Racked with guilt

[Tlaski]

We lost our friend of over 20 years on 1/29/22 and I still feel a sense of guilt for not trying more.

Almost like we abandoned her at the first sign of a problem and gave up on her.

She suffered a stroke and couldn’t not walk without falling over but had her wits about her still. Within 6 hours we had made the decision to put her to sleep and I have regretted it ever since. I feel like I’m not the friend that I thought I was.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I - and so many others on this site - know how you feel. But you have to let it go - how would you continuing to torture yourself change anything?

I had one cat die from FIP - many, many years ago, and we were the opposite of you in that we let it go on way too long before we recognized he needed to be relieved of his suffering. What if there had been better treatments back then and I could have helped him? What if I hadn't let him suffer so much at the end? Another one of my cats who had cancer. What if she could have had treatments to help her that weren't researched enough by me to find some possible help? I currently have a cat that has a number of ailments that I am struggling with, and I know no matter what I do to help her, I will wonder if I did enough - when the time comes. But I also know that I will need to remind myself of all the great years we have had together, and that death is inevitable no matter what.

There will always be 'what ifs' in most scenarios. The thing about the what ifs is that they really don't matter in the long run. What matters is the life you were able to enjoy with your girl for as long as she was with you. You very much cared for her, or she wouldn't have lived as long as she did.

Let it go, please - for your own sake and for the sake of all of us who need to do the same.

 

[fionasmom]

I am very sorry for your loss. Having owned this cat for 20 years certainly speaks to the fact that you did something right. In her pic, she looks lovely, clean, and comfortable...definitely well cared for.

Any animal who has suffered a stroke and cannot properly use their legs, even a small animal like a cat, presents much more difficulty in caring for them than you are allowing yourself to believe. Problems with elimination themselves present huge complications as you have to make sure that the cat remains clean, that urine burns don't develop, and that elimination continues to happen properly. Depending on other complications caused by the stroke, you possibly did not know if it had shut down her ability to pee/poop which would have put you in the position of having to express her bladder or stimulate her bowels. Pressure sores develop quite quickly when a cat or dog can no longer right themselves and even body harnesses will not help in the long run.

The fact that she seemed like herself is not the only consideration. You need to try to work through this and remember the great life that you gave her. When you are ready, maybe bringing another cat into your home would be a lovely thing to do.

 

[Tlaski]

Thank you for the kind words. Yes we did try to take very good care of her and she would’ve been 21 this June.(I had a typo of 2022 for passing).

This is the first animal I’ve ever owned outside of the kind that don’t really have attachments like fish and such.

So quite a new experience, having gone through that day with everything as quickly as it transpired.

 

[AbbysMom]

I’m so sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful girl.

Anyone who has ever had to make that decision second guesses themselves. I did. You run through every “what if” scenario in your head. Twenty years is amazing. That is a testament to your love and care. I don’t think it was a rash decision. I know it’s easy for us to saying when we are looking in from the outside, but it’s true. It really comes down to her quality of life. That’s truly the most important thing.

I have an almost 19 year-old girl and I hope I can make the right decision at the right time as you did when her time comes.

 

[NekoM]

I’m so sorry for the pain of loss. Grieving doesn’t have a timeframe and I can tell your still processing it which is completely ok. I’ve been where you are many times, missed signs that I should have caught. Having her in your life for 20 years is a serious gift from God. Try and smile a bit more every time you think of her, it will get better. I firmly believe this is only part of our stories and there’s more to come

 

[Margot Lane]

For a first time owner, the fact that your cat made it to 20 is HUGE. Please don‘t berate yourself. This beautiful, obviously well loved kitty lived just about as far as any kitty can, and I believe, painful though it was, you made the right call. We all have to dig deep and make that call at some point—- you’re not alone. It’s always a balance between quality of life and the tipping point of beyond.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

 

[catloverfromwayback]

You have all my sympathy. My Freya passed at 19 from a stroke, and I also had her euthanised the same day - I originally asked for the next day, but it was soon clear that letting her go on another 24 hours wasn’t doing her any good at all, it was only for my sake. I rang again and the vets came out very quickly.

A stroke isn’t the first sign of a problem in a cat that age. Your darling girl couldn’t walk, and as fionasmom said, there would be many other health issues in the wake of it - all of which would basically eliminate her quality of life. She had twenty years of love and obviously very good care from you. At the end, you prevented her from suffering more, and let her go - that is the unselfish path. The doubt and self-questioning are normal parts of grief, but I will say this: far better to have let her go a little early (if indeed it was) than not soon enough. I have had cats whose terminal illnesses went longer than they would have if I’d understood better. You did right by your darling.

 

[Tlaski]

Thank you all!

 

[lesleigh]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Strokes are usually caused by underlying issues that may have been impacting your kitty's health and happiness. Cats are masters of disguising their discomfort, so it can be easy to miss anything suble, especially if you're unaware of health problems.
You and this cutie had 20 great years together, but I know it's never long enough- we all want them to live forever. Give your grief the time it needs; your little girl is worth every tear.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

~ I believe that most cats never get close to 20 years old in good health. We were very lucky and had a few that did .

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Twenty years is a remarkable age for a cat, and a testament to your love and your care for your girl. However, where there is love, an eternity together would not be long enough. I agree with those who have mentioned all the issues that would certainly have arisen. And you did the most unselfish thing we can ever do. You put your baby girl's wellbeing ahead of your own heartbreak, and did not leave her to languish in a sort-of half life. Now, from her home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[di and bob]

Living to the remarkable age of twenty is like a 100+ year old human.........
Guilt is a strange emotion. It comes with the death of a loved one, NO MATTER how long the loved one lived or how peacefully they die. It is always there, ready to pounce at every opportune moment. it will take over your life if you let it, it will fill you up with sadness and despair. I let it run my life for way too long, and though I have chased it from my life, it is always there, in the background.
Your girl was suffering. there likely was more to come. You could not let that happen. you took on her pain as your own and gave her peace. You really had no choice. She was suffering from something that could not be cured.
Not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow, but the sun still comes up, the tide still comes in. There is hope when the sun rises and gives us a new day. Grieve for your loss because it left a huge hole in your soul. but as time goes by, that hole will fill in. time brings a dulling to the sharp edges of grief. Especially if you help to fill it with more love, fill it with the legacy she left you, how to love another soul. Her love will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers, it is spiritual, so eternal.
She would never want you to be so sad because of her. She loves you too much. Go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted for her to go on if you were the first to go. Not in perpetual guilt and sadness. But be thankful for having known known her in your life, thankful for the time she DID spend with you. "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened".
We are here to help you through this. We cannot make the pain go away, but we can help you endure it, stand by you and help you cope. Because we too have known grief, and though every love is as unique as a snowflake to the soul it occupies, and no none can ever understand the depth of your love, or your sorrow. We have lost our own loves and can empathize with you. So know we are holding you both in our thoughts and prayers, and just get through the next minute, the next hour. One day at a time......RIP precious girl. You will never be forgotten, you will have a secure place in loving hearts for eternity. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[lowtech]

So relevant for grieving a loss, which I understand from the passing of our tabby George some time ago, but relevant too, in the loss of any loved near-one, which I undertsand and can relate to deeply, sadly, in the the passing of Nick, our precious son, at his so early human age 29. Thank you for these words.

 

[di and bob]

my heart aches for you, I will pray for your son.......