Putting my parents into assisted living, very tough last few weeks

[les26]

My parents are 82 and 83 and I have seen their health fading but they were still okay enough to live at home, but back in February I "discovered" a lot of issues wrong at their place and with them, cleaned things up the best that I could, it was better over the Summer but got bad lately. I tried to keep them in their home as long as I could, had things installed but they were getting bad fast, their sleeping habits were horrible as well as their eating and bathing habits, my dad has Aphasia and Dementia, my Mom has mild Dementia but she could barely walk anymore, she got bad really fast but they didn't do anything, just laid around in bed sleeping and watching tv, waking up and eating tv dinners and other things at odd times, I would bring good food over but throw it out days later because they didn't eat it, my Mother was HORRIBLE at taking her meds at the wrong times even though I bought a pill box and would only give her a week's worth at a time.

It became very clear to us that they could not stay in their home nor take care of themselves or each other anymore so a few weeks ago I followed the advice of the guy who runs the assisted living place that we toured about 5 weeks ago and took them to the Emergency room so they could get admitted and sent to short term rehab so they could get physical therapy and get better and then go to that assisted living place which is right next door, they have been in rehab for about 12 days now and are getting and looking better because they don't let them sleep all day, they work rehab with them, they eat 3 times a day like normal people do, they work with them and they look better and are set to move next door next Tuesday.

It was some of the toughest days of my life, trying to keep them afloat and do the right thing although it was so so hard to do, but they are slowly starting to accept it but they have no choice, they need care and can't do steps like they had in their house, but it is so so tough knowing that they won't be coming home again. And the problem is, they didn't just have the house that they lived in, they had other properties and land and things that they paid taxes and upkeep on but never lived in or rented out which is CRAZY.

We finally got my mom's "permission" to talk to a realtor about the biggest place that they owned, I did weeks ago and we got a great deal on it, closing is next week, I didn't tell my Mom yet even though she suspects we are selling it, we have to sell it all eventully, it's crazy to own these places when you will never move into them, they won't leave assisted living so me being the only child and Power of Attorney am now in the position of slowly selling things off.

2 years ago when I was laid off because of Covid she agreed to sell some properties she had, I helped her, we got a great price and she felt better getting rid of it, I said we should keep going but she didn't want to, I begged her to sell some of these places and cars while she is still here but she didn't, now I am responsible for doing it but I feel VERY strange selling their things, even though I know they will never use them or be able to use them I feel strange, sad, upset, but I have to get rid of them, they paid the taxes and upkeep on them for years because they could afford to do it as crazy as that was, but we aren't going to do that, we don't have the money to and now that they will be in there I must slowly proceed, but I feel strange doing it but know it must be done.

About 8 years ago I sat with them and asked them why they didn't move into this house that I am selling that they bought 12-YES, TWELVE- years ago. My Mom blamed my Dad, he had some crazy reasons why and kind of blamed her, but I remember saying "I just want to see you both happy and enjoy yourself before something bad happens."

They didn't move and something bad happened to both of them, plus they used to take pain meds for migraines like candy, I used to talk to them about it and said "you are probably getting rebound headaches from the meds" but they said no, they knew what they were doing, and I swear that screwed them up and is responsible for the health mental issues they are having now. 5 years ago my Mom had a seizure and I told the doctor about the pills she took, he said he was onto it and said to her "didn't anyone ever suggest medicine to PREVENT the migraines instead of taking pills for them?" and she said no, he put her on different meds and she really hasn't had one since, but the damage is done, plus she has AFIB and their age is against them.

The best that I can do is make sure that they are taken care of now the best they can be, and deal with all of their stuff but it is so very emotional for me in many ways, I get sad that they never did follow my advice on anything and didn't move, but many people told me "if they were really that unhappy where they were they would've moved" which is true, they had the means to do so but never did despite me saying I would help them.

It is very strange, and very sad, I knew this day would be coming but I guess you never are prepared for it, you just have to deal with it the best that you can and do the best that you can with what you have to work with at the time, but these last 3 weeks have been some of the hardest of my life if not THE hardest, but that's life I guess. I can't go back in time with a magic wand and change them, I can only take care of them the best that I can from here on out, but it is so tough and emotional but it's now my "job".

 

[susanm9006]

It is just so hard, you have my sympathy. My sister and took care of my mother at her home and I did all of her financial and home maintenance work. It always felt like I was living two lives and it was exhausting. She died a year ago and we are still dealing with her things and estate. Still emotional and exhausting And I imagine doubly so for you because you have to do it all.

 

[game misconduct]

tough choices you made hope you have many more years with them still. we all been there or will be there soon so we share your pain in some ways. feel free to let it out or vent we all understand here

 

[Margot Lane]

Pace yourself with it, appreciate the little gem memory moments you will carry in your heart down the line. It helps to makes lists and not try to accomplish everything at once. If you can get folks to help you w/ any of the caregiving, not a bad idea. Step back, breathe, and then dive in again. Poco a poco. PS: Get the car keys now, if you haven’t already.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

You have my sympathy, I am my mother’s carer and have PoA for her. We’re both in a retirement village now (though as my sister says, she’s not a poster girl for independent living!) I just wish we could look forward to a decent amount of money when my sister sells the granny flat we had built on her land. We’ll get less than half what we paid for it. I hope you get really good prices for all your parents’ property, it makes such a difference to not be afraid of not having money for essentials.

 

[les26]

Pace yourself with it, appreciate the little gem memory moments you will carry in your heart down the line. It helps to makes lists and not try to accomplish everything at once. If you can get folks to help you w/ any of the caregiving, not a bad idea. Step back, breathe, and then dive in again. Poco a poco. PS: Get the car keys now, if you haven’t already.

We sold the car before they went into the hospital and rehab so we are good there!

 

[debbila]

Before you decide to move them to the place you're talking at, look for a place that has a Life Care Plan. There's a buy in fee in addition to the monthly fee. The great thing about it is if your parents' money is spent down they won't have to leave. Their contract covers them as long as they live except tor personal expenses.

I have this plan in my independent living center and I don't have to pay more than I pay now if I go to assisted living, memory care, etc. if I need it in the future.

 

[Winchester]

We went through this with my parents and then, after my FIL passed away, we did it again with my MIL. It never gets any easier. You have my sympathy. You just do the best you can do. It's difficult.

 

[di and bob]

Yes, it is so hard to come to the conclusion that the parents that loved you and raised you with care, are no longer able to care for themselves. My mother is in assisted living with dementia, we were too afraid she would cook and leave the stove on like my grandmother did, or start a fire in the fireplace which she did for years. After my father died we found he had been protecting us from her memory loss, he had to have been, because after we were around her more we found she just couldn't cope with everyday living.
You did the right thing. I worked in a nursing home for years and have seen the exhaustion and mental distress that comes from trying to live your own life and care for ageing parents too. Don't do that to yourself. My mother is happier now then she has ever been. She watches her beloved TV, has three meals a day and company when she wants it and a nice room when she doesn't. It does work out. When they become a danger to themselves, you can't be there 24/7, especially with medications, you need help.
I will pray for you all, hang in there. Remember, just one day at a time.

 

[les26]

Before you decide to move them to the place you're talking at, look for a place that has a Life Care Plan. There's a buy in fee in addition to the monthly fee. The great thing about it is if your parents' money is spent down they won't have to leave. Their contract covers them as long as they live except tor personal expenses.

I have this plan in my independent living center and I don't have to pay more than I pay now if I go to assisted living, memory care, etc. if I need it in the future.

They are already in assisted living, there's no way they can be independent anymore, so they are still in the rehab and Tuesday move next door to the assisted living part.

 

[les26]

Yes, it is so hard to come to the conclusion that the parents that loved you and raised you with care, are no longer able to care for themselves. My mother is in assisted living with dementia, we were too afraid she would cook and leave the stove on like my grandmother did, or start a fire in the fireplace which she did for years. After my father died we found he had been protecting us from her memory loss, he had to have been, because after we were around her more we found she just couldn't cope with everyday living.
You did the right thing. I worked in a nursing home for years and have seen the exhaustion and mental distress that comes from trying to live your own life and care for ageing parents too. Don't do that to yourself. My mother is happier now then she has ever been. She watches her beloved TV, has three meals a day and company when she wants it and a nice room when she doesn't. It does work out. When they become a danger to themselves, you can't be there 24/7, especially with medications, you need help.
I will pray for you all, hang in there. Remember, just one day at a time.

This is what is going on exactly. Back in February I discovered that my Mother took 3 MONTHS of blood pressure pills in 3 WEEKS!!!! When I discovered it and confronted her about it she said "your father was driving me crazy, I didn't want my blood pressure to go up". She had been fine before that taking her meds, but of course I then stepped in and started dividing her pills a week at a time in the pill case and I took the rest home, but at times she still tried to "switch" pills around. The pharmacist said "you probably saved her life", and this wasn't the first time I did that, but before this they were okay enough to stay on their own, but what really topped it off was about 2 months ago she had fallen in the bedroom, put her hand out to brace the fall and really bruised it but thank God didn't break anything. The ER doctor wanted to keep her overnight and have the PT doctor look at her the next day which would've been great, but I couldn't leave my dad alone nor could he come stay with us, we aren't set up for that plus he's allergic to cats, so this is what spurred me to tour the assisted living place to get our foot in the door so IF something happened to my mom we could put my dad in there.

Well, a few weeks ago I went over to make sure that they were up and able to let a guy from Bath Fitters come in to check on the measurements that the salesman made, I was going to have them put a walk in shower in for them and when I got there my Dad was up and ready which was a miracle but I said "hi Pop, how are you doing?" he said "terrible, Mom fell, she's been laying on the floor all day", and this is exactly what he told me on the phone that time before when she fell and hurt her hand, so I went upstairs and she was lying on the floor with a pillow behind her head.

I said "you fell again" and she said "I didn't fall, I'm laying on the bed", so I repeated it again and she did too and I pounded on the bed and yelled "this is the ******** bed, you're on the floor!!", lifted her up and put her in bed and of course now the guy from Bath Fitters comes in and said "I guess this isn't a good time?" but I told him to do his thing and he left. So there I am, on break from work which means I have to leave them there like this and go back to work and drive visually impaired people in this crazy world of stressed out drivers, worrying if she would fall again...but while I was there she said to my Dad "did you bring me that pill?" and he brought the pill box in and was handing her a pill so I said "wait a minute, let me see that", and I noticed she took her 4 morning pills and had taken two of the evening pills already and was going to take the third one then and it was only a little after 11:00 in the morning!!

I called the pharmacist, told him what she took, and he said "she won't feel right until tomorrow", so I made her eat and drink to get something in her system, went back to work worrying like crazy, and came back after work to check on her, she was somewhat better, I made her eat and drink again but knew that this was it, they couldn't take care of themselves or each other anymore, so I called the guy at the assisted living place and asked if they had at least a week or two respite stay, told him what happened and he said to take them to the Emergency room, the doctor will see how they are and admit them, then they will be placed into short term rehab and then they will get into his assisted living place faster because a doctor is suggesting it, so that's where we are, that's what I did and it is working out like he said.

But it is so sad, seeing them that bad, my father couldn't even pick up the phone to call me or 911. For months I was taking them their groceries, they mostly ate tv dinners, I said "this isn't the best but at least you're eating", I would buy different ones for them, also bought other foods, some they ate, some not, took her pills every week and honestly that was wearing on me but I did it for months. We talked about having someone come in to help them at home before this last fall, a woman did come in but my Mom of course wasn't happy with it, but we also found out as someone else told my wife "many times in home care is just a band aid" and for us it would've been true, so this is how it has to play out and like I said we see a huge difference in them in these last two weeks since they are taking their meds correctly and eating better and the rest of it, they still need a lot of help especially with bathing and going to the bathroom but they told me there is a nurse there 24/7 everyday and they know what shape my parents are in, so I just have to trust that the staff will get to know them and help them with what they need, that's their job and I'm sure they will do it.

But I struggle with the emotions of it, not only seeing them decline but also knowing that they bought these other properties but never moved in, why??? The house that I am selling next week was beautiful, they had taken care of my Grandmother who lived across the street from them (they STILL have her house, never sold it either??!!!) but when she passed in 2009 the next year they said they bought a house and would be moving to which I said "that's great, you took care of Nana all these years, you deserve it!!" and we thought they would move. Well, they slowly moved some things up there, but time was going on and I asked them "how's it going, are you moving, do you need help?" buthyh I always got some excuse.

Then it turned into longer and longer and that's when I had a heart to heart talk like I said but it did no good, and as I feared something bad happened to both of them and they never got to enjoy the place. When we went up there with the realtor 2 months ago we were SHOCKED to see how much stuff they had up there, kitchen ware, washer/dryer, furniture, a Sleep Number bed, all kinds of stuff, all they had to do was move in but the NEVER DID!!!!! The realtor said "I think they just used this to store their stuff, maybe intended to move in but then got overwhelmed and then the health issues set in" which might be true, but I can't believe that 12 years have gone by and they never moved in, yet paid the taxes and upkeep on the place, they had the money to do it but it still was/is ridiculus, but now I am running the show as they are obviously not capable of it anymore and are not moving except on Tuesday into assisted living.

And I recall two years ago I drove up there to see what shape the place was in and was HORRIFIED to see the grass and weeds at LEAST 3 FEET TALL and I'm talking on a property with 3.6 acres!!!! I jumped all over them questioning why they let it go like that and told them "this is a beautiful property in a nice neighborhood, you can't do things like this!!!" and lucky for them it was surrounded by trees and the one side where they did have a neighbor he used to run his riding mower over the part that bordered him and he understood and never reported them. I called SIX lawn places and only 1 took the job on, cleaned it up and kept it nice since then which was 2 years ago, so they have several places that they pay to have oil put in and yard work and snow removel yet only ghosts live there, and this has driven me crazy for years, I talked to them about selling them off, begged, pleaded, yelled, tried every angle these years but only that one place 2 years ago did she agree to sell and we did, but I had to walk a fine line of not getting them upset since it was their property but knew I couldn't let this go on much longer.

But now it has come to the point where they cannot make any decisions on it anymore, I have to sell them off but yet I still struggle knowing it IS their stuff, I feel badly that they never enjoyed it but then the "rational" side of me reminds me this is CRAZY, it can't go on like this so I am slowly proceeding a little at a time, starting with selling this big, beautiful home that they bought 12 years ago but never moved into. I contacted a lawyer to help me with the legal ends of it, she said I am Power of Attorney and Executor as I knew, am the only child, no one can contest anything so I can do what I see fit, but I still feel weird doing it but know that I must. I asked both her and the realtor "did you ever see anyone else in this situation with lots of properties and such?" and they did but they said "not to this extreme". I wish there was someone else that I could talk to that has lived through something like this as I'm sure it would help me, but I have to find my way and do what is needed as well as take care of my parents and all of the emotions that will come with dealing with all of this.

THANK YOU for reading this "novel" and for your replies and support, it really does help me! I have been wanting to sit down for weeks and pour my heart out but just didn't have the time until now. And I also have to remind myself that we lost Sabrina in May and our beloved Sugar, the "Miracle" cat that survived that horrible reaction to anesthesia 4 years ago in August, we are still grieving their losses and then this now on top of it, so 2022 has not been an easy year for Deb & I, but that's life......

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I said "you fell again" and she said "I didn't fall, I'm laying on the bed", so I repeated it again and she did too and I pounded on the bed and yelled "this is the ******** bed, you're on the floor!!"

Gods, I hear you! My mother has had so many falls since her stroke five or so years ago and has the same response. One time I came to get her in the morning and she was sitting on the bathroom floor next to the toilet, and absolutely denying that’s what she was doing. I called the ambulance because I cannot lift her up and there was nobody I could ask. Her reaction? “I don’t need an ambulance, I just need to go to the toilet.” “You can’t, you’re sitting on the floor.” “No I’m not” (while leaning on the toilet pedestal for crying out aloud). I ended up taking a photo to prove to her that yes, you are sitting on the floor, and yes, you will have to have ambos to haul you back up, and yes, if you can’t hang on you will be sitting in a puddle of urine, but better here than in the bedroom.

Ironically it’s been better since she fell and broke her hip IN A NURSING HOME where I’d sent her for a couple of weeks respite. They had ONE staff member on at night and concrete floors in the bedrooms! She was in hospital and rehab for a month and managed to have another fall while there. Oh, and they lost her dentures, which turned out to be a blessing because she got free, long-overdue replacements since it was the hospital’s fault. But since the break she’s had a bedside commode, which, gross as it is to empty, is better than finding her on the floor. I lock her bathroom door to stop her trying to get in. The problem isn’t just her balance is shot, her memory is too - vascular dementia. It’s not like Alzheimer’s, there’s no personality changes or aggression, she just can’t retain any new information. “New” meaning anything in the last few years!

 

[les26]

We stopped in yesterday to set up their room the best that we could, still some changes to be made but it'll be nice for them. I'll be there with them when they move in so that will help, my boss is covering for me at work.

We then visited with them and they both seemed better than they were Friday night, they were a bit agitated Friday but they also had a guy come in to give them their hearing aids that we bought right before this all went down, and it seems like he wasn't the best at explaining how to use them, but one of the nurses there helped them out so they understand it better. Plus I'm sure they are tired of being in the rehab setting, so we keep stressing to them that they will be more at home and it will be quieter and calmer for them once they move, and they both seem to understand it and realize this is what they have to do, they cannot go back home again because they have steps but mostly because they need care and they are getting that here. It is so tough to say "you can't go home, it's not safe", but that is the truth, and we just deal with things head on as they come and do what is right for them.

THANK YOU for sharing your stories and support, it REALLY helps me understand and navigate this journey better!!

 

[Jem]

My Grandmother recently got into assisted living. While she's in the "can still live alone" part of the facility, and has an actual little apartment, she needed help with everyday tasks. So she has the meal plan, cleaning and laundry services, things like that. It was the absolute BEST thing for her!
My Grandmother, who's 90, has advanced COPD, is almost blind and has diabetes. She has lived alone since my Grandfather passed, but my Mom would go there every couple days to bring easy to cook/warm up food and help with cleaning. During covid, my Grandmother really started to decline, because she couldn't really go anywhere and people couldn't really visit much out of fear that they would bring her a virus. She is a social person, so being alone wasn't good for her. We seriously thought that last Christmas was going to be her last because her decline was so rapid.
Now? Totally different person! She made friends right away, she goes to many of the exercise programs they have, goes to the social functions like bingo and what not. Her and her new friends play cards and games all the time. It's awesome to see her happy again.
And because of all this, she no longer has to use her walker as much, and is walking and moving so good. She still needs it if she's walking far because of her COPD, she has to take a break to catch her breath, but her body is so much stronger! She has lost weight, which has also helped with her diabetes, her sugars have been stable which of course makes her feel better too.
All the staff love my Grandmother too, so that helps I'm sure. She's a spunky little creature though, and has never had a hard time making friends.
It can be hard to lose your independence, but I hope your parents can take advantage of all the good things that can come from assisted living.

 

[Furballsmom]

I am just now catching up with this (Poppycat is having a tough time lately).

Thank you to everyone on this thread for sharing your experiences and tips, as les26 said, it's so very helpful.

And thank you les26, for opening your heart about all this.

 

[AbbysMom]

Les26, I'm not going to go into all of the awful details, but I feel your pain and sympathize more than you know. I've been going through my own personal hell with this for over two years. My mother is currently in an Assisted Living facility and is very unhappy. I am in the process of selling her home. Good luck.

 

[fionasmom]

Les26, I just want to add that I was an only child, so I understand those emotions and complications. My parents were elderly when I was born,TBH, and I suppose that the only saving grace to that was that I went through all of this when I was much younger.

The good part is that you have no one to challenge you or contest you, which is huge, but you are also doing this alone. You are doing an amazing job (it often does not feel that way when you are faced with all the issues) and have shown extreme concern and care for them.

It feels strange to make decisions for those who we always viewed as the decision makers in our lives, especially as they become more difficult or would disagree with what has to be done. You will get through this and then be able to look back and see how much you did to help your parents.

 

[les26]

Les26, I just want to add that I was an only child, so I understand those emotions and complications. My parents were elderly when I was born,TBH, and I suppose that the only saving grace to that was that I went through all of this when I was much younger.

The good part is that you have no one to challenge you or contest you, which is huge, but you are also doing this alone. You are doing an amazing job (it often does not feel that way when you are faced with all the issues) and have shown extreme concern and care for them.

It feels strange to make decisions for those who we always viewed as the decision makers in our lives, especially as they become more difficult or would disagree with what has to be done. You will get through this and then be able to look back and see how much you did to help your parents.

So many people have said two things to me lately, "you did the right thing" and "you are doing great". I always say "the first part, yes, I'm not so sure about the second part", but many including my boss point out just how much I have already done for them, and I am slowly seeing it so I guess they are right. But it is so, so hard.....

Today I went over to their new room and bought a 32" HD flat screen tv for them, I had taken their old style tv over since they were used to it and that's all they had, but the guy at the assisted living place said they couldn't hook it up, it was so old that it had different attachments lol! So I got them a nice new one, I think that'll make them happy and take their minds off of the move and other things so I hope it works!

Tomorrow is the big day, I'll go over there to help them get adjusted and spend some time with them, maybe eat lunch with them and stay awhile until they feel comfortable. But we already took some things over yesterday from their house, and we can always add more. Just getting them out of the rehab part of the place will help too as it is kind of like a hospital setting, but their room reminds us of a nice hotel room when you are on vacation, so I hope they feel comfortable and they should being away from rehab and all of the noises and people. They still will get rehab in this area but it will be in a different room, or maybe in their room, but it will be THEIR room.

At times it still hits me that this is it, they cannot be at their home that they were in since 1977, but they need care and they are getting it here and we see great improvements and I think they do too.

But it is tough, very emotional and draining, but it is the right thing to do.

THANK YOU ALL for your input, it really helps!

God Bless.....

 

[MoochNNoodles]

My grandparents have been through this to varying degrees. My grandpa was the only one to initiate it and ended up being happy there. He’d say it wasn’t home; but they treated him like family and took good care of him. He had been stuck in his house alone unless someone came to visit; so just the social aspect was a huge boost to him. He had neuropathy in his feet and fingers so a few times a year he’d go over to the nursing home that is part of the place and do rehab to keep his strength up.

My grandma had to go straight to the nursing home. That was hard for everyone but it also showed me that there are people in this world who are called to these jobs. (My aunt worked for them in the office too.) I got to see them interact with my grandparents and make life better for them. The change was so hard but not as hard as accepting their declining health. They were the rock our family was built on. But it was good and right. It gave them a quality to their final years that being isolated at home could not have given.

 

[AbbysMom]

At times it still hits me that this is it, they cannot be at their home that they were in since 1977, but they need care and they are getting it here and we see great improvements and I think they do too.

But it is tough, very emotional and draining, but it is the right thing to do.

I totally get this. I keep getting hung up on that most of my mother's possessions are gone. 89 years of gathering things and all that's left is what is in her AL room and what my brother and I took. She was in the house since the 60's.

You are doing the right thing. Try to keep telling yourself this. I know I am, but as you said, it's so so hard.

Good luck today!