Problematic teenagers? (sorry long...)

[lillekat]

Well that's got to be a positive thing if he recognises that his behaviour is not right. Perhaps he's not all as bad as I've sort of pictured him. There does seem to be a lot inside him that he doesn't seem to be able to control or vent constructively, and then from the looks of things, he feels guilty after he has finally blown. I wonder if it would be a good thing for the entire family to sit down together if possible and see if there's some system you can ALL take part in to help him overcome it? That way he can get to see that you all really care about making things right and that you're all willing to help support him through it.... I think that would be a bit of a confidence booster for him there as well. The bad behaviour and then the apologies will be knocking him down all the time. He does need help, and I think this might just be his way of asking for it.... it's screwed up, yes, but at least it's there.

 

[stampit3d]

Certainly every 15 year old male adolescent is expected to be struggling between being a boy that`s in the process of becoming a man....but this amount of ANGER and LYING and even stealing (if he`s taking things from others without asking) seems extreme to me. I`d certainly get some counseling for him. Something is either going on, or has gone on, in his life that is affecting him.
I think that often parents are reluctant to get professional help because they are afraid that it is going to end up pointing out that maybe they are not the best parents.....In the first place NONE OF US ARE PERFECT PARENTS, and in the second place, things can happen to our kids when they are away from us that we do not know about (and often they won`t tell, because they feel ashamed, when most of the time those issues are not their fault at all...they just don`t know it!) And thirdly, and most importantly....if he`s needing some help and you can`t figure out what the problem is....it is time to pull out all the stops and find a way to get him the help he needs. This sort of thing is not going to get better or go away on it`s own....and will probably just get much worse if he is left alone to try to deal with it. The way he is dealing with it at present is not working for him or anyone else around him....but it`s the only way he knows to ask for help.
Linda
Linda

 

[pombina]

I just spoke to my Mum who says that despite him saying last night he knew he needed to apologise, he didn't actually do it. He had ample opportunity as my Mum was in on her own, so he can't feel too bad about it.
So this morning she went to the kitchen when she got up and he was sitting eating breakfast. She asked him if he had let the puppy out for the toilet and he said 'if you want him to go out, you get up'. So thats just his attitude all over. She then said you are the first up so please let him out to the toilet, its not fair on him otherwise. He then started saying he didn't care and how was she going to make him do anything...
Then my stepsister walked in and asked what was going on, so my Mum told her what had been said and he started saying my Mum was a liar and he hadn't said that any of that.
He then told my step sister where to go, in a very nasty way and told them he wanted to move out because they were all liars.
I don't know what to do. One minute he has you feeling sorry for him because he has issues, the next he's just nasty.
The arguement got so heated this morning that my Mum had to lock herself in her bedroom because she is so indimidated by him.

 

[ashleyjade]

Teenagers are tough. I was a hard teenager, a lot like your brother it sounds like. Everyone's suggestions of counceling is right on. If you are having a hard time getting him to go, i suggest this little "trick" that we used on my sister. My mom said to her "Will you please come with me, to help support me", and it worked, and now she is going on her own. She had to realize it wasn't about placing blame.

Just remind her to be patient. Actual reality doesn't mean a whole lot to teenagers, only their percieved reality, because that is all that they live in. You have to bring yourself to that reality if you want to reach them.

Good luck, and tell your mum to keep her chin up, they outgrow it eventually.

-Jade

 

[annabelle33]

I actually don't see anything that abnormal. I mean people deal with the growing up process in different ways... My brother was much the same, and though I hate to admit it, I had a lot of faults as well. It doesn't mean they are out of control or dangerous.. I thought it was going to be like he beats your mother or uses drugs or tried to stab his teacher or something, now those are warning signs. But everyone you said seems in the standard range for 15 yr old boys, and yes it is tiring but take heart that it doesn't last forever, and eventually he'll grow up, we all do.

 

[pombina]

Originally Posted by annabelle33

I actually don't see anything that abnormal. I mean people deal with the growing up process in different ways... My brother was much the same, and though I hate to admit it, I had a lot of faults as well. It doesn't mean they are out of control or dangerous.. I thought it was going to be like he beats your mother or uses drugs or tried to stab his teacher or something, now those are warning signs. But everyone you said seems in the standard range for 15 yr old boys, and yes it is tiring but take heart that it doesn't last forever, and eventually he'll grow up, we all do.

Just because he doesn't beat my mother doesn't mean his behaviour should be ignored. He is causing emotional trauma in my Mums house. I didn't say it wasn't the behaviour of a normal 15 year old boy, I was just asking for help on how to handle it.

 

[beckiboo]

One thing that may help your Mom is to try to remember not to expect what he isn't going to do. So to have him say he will apologize is very different from him doing it. If he has never apologized before, he isn't likely to start now.

The more she can take the emotions out of it and just look at the facts, the better it will be for all. If getting him to think of others is nearly impossible, expecting him to care for a puppy doesn't make sense. Just because many other kids would be thrilled just to have a puppy doesn't mean he will help care for it.

Coming to grips that my dd Jess was not who I wanted her to be was a big part in accepting that she is different. And remembering that she has always been difficult helped, too. She is very pleasant when things go her way, but gets ugly when told "No", or to do some chore. So she did less chores than my son has to do at the same age, but what she did, she got praised for. Sometimes these cranky disagreeable kids are so accustomed to being in trouble, that it doesn't seem to matter to them any more! But it does, they just don't let you see it.

For punishments, you have to be so creative. Make the punishment brief, and be sure it can be enforced. Getting away with stealing someone elses things because you are grounded from yours is not a very good reinforcement! Wen my dd was home, we actually put a lock on our bedroom door, so she couldn't go into the master bedroom if we were gone, and watch TV, etc. She just didn't have much self contol, and we had to work around that! She had stolen money from the little kids piggy banks, so we put them in our room out of her reach.

If your Mom and Dad start with a good therapist, and they get him to go along, they will get lots of useful advice!

 

[rockcat]

Originally Posted by annabelle33

to be like he beats your mother or uses drugs or tried to stab his teacher or something, now those are warning signs.

We don't know he is not using drugs. While the behaviors you mentioned are certianly more serious, I think his behaviors should be addressed to prevent them from getting worse.