Pregnancy--who else is discouraged by the impossibility?

[calico2222]

Originally Posted by lookingglass

Please go to www.purplewomen.org

If you want a baby then it's your choice. If you don't then that is also your choice. Anyone who tries to force you into it needs to back off.

I've been married for almost 6 years and am childfree. In the past few months as I rapidly approach my 30th birthday I've found people getting really upset that I haven't had a child yet. Most say, "You'll make a great mother!" (Really, how do you know that?) "That's selfish!" (Really, is it?) "You'll die alone." (Um. Okay. How do you know that?) "Who will take care of you when you are old?" (An old folks home.)

Don't take on other people's issues. You have an obvious medical problem and that should be cared for first.

EDIT: You asked if it breaks my heart to hear if other women are having a baby. No. It doesn't. I'm happy for them, but having a baby isn't something that I want to do, or should do. Coming to terms with that was really freeing for me.

Ok, I don't think this thread is about the decision to have kids, it's about the fact she WANTS to have kids and can't because of medical issues. Maybe those of us that aren't expecting children, for whatever reason, may have hijacked this thread...me included.

Not everyone has the "mothering" gene...me included. But, I can't imagine the pain of someone that wants a child so bad and can't have one naturally because of her own health. It would be like not owning cats because they would kill you.

 

[jack31]

Thank you.

The post was started because I WANT kids. Not because I'm being forced to have them with my health issues.

I dont' want to be rude but could we stick to those who want kids and can't have them. I started this trying to provide perhaps some emotional support between women who want something and can't have it.

Thanks you

Leslie

 

[lookingglass]

I deleted my posts out of this thread. Sorry if it offended anyone.

 

[swampwitch]

I understand what you are going through.

I wasn't able to get pregnant until I was 38 but it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. During the surgery it was discovered that I had severe endometriosis. My doctor said the endo was probably the cause of the ectopic pregnancy. I had one Fallopian tube removed and part of my uterus was cut away.

Miracles do happen and we had a happy ending!

Six months after the ectopic pregnancy I became pregnant again, and had a healthy baby girl. We knew we could have only one child. Initially, we would have loved to have more but realized how fortunate we were to have our daughter!

To answer your questions, I never had bad feelings when I saw someone else's baby... I did go back to school and got a masters so I could teach special ed and be around children when I thought I'd never have one.

I wish you well and know things will work out for you! You are still young and have time on your side.

 

[swampwitch]

Originally Posted by Jack31

...It's just been a dream of mine to carry a baby. I've already made a pact with God that if he gives me the chance I'll enjoy every second of it--even morning sickness....

Watch what you wish for. I had nine solid months of feeling like I had food poisoning, the nausea was SO BAD, LOL! It hit me the second I opening my eyes in the morning and didn't quit until I fell asleep, usually around 7:30 p.m. I was so exhausted.

 

[oscarsmommy]

Originally Posted by Bijou's Mom

For me, it's not a personal choice of NOT getting pregnant, it's just turning out that way. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for five loooong years. We have been doing fertility drugs for the past two and a half years. I'm almost 33, and my time is running out quickly. I don't want to be pregnant in my forties. When you turn 35, the chances of something going wrong are greatly increased.

It's hard when you go through multiple surgeries to try and help getting pregnant, gain weight from the fertility drugs, having to keep basil temperature charts constantly, and have horrid mood swings from the drugs, only to be disappointed month after month. I just keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end. I just had a miscarrriage, and the only other time that I was pregnant (two years ago) turned out to be a tubal. I just started seeing another doctor, and in a couple of months I will be having my first round of artificail insemination done. I really hope this works.

As far as adoption, that isn't in the cards for me, for financial and personal reasons. I want the whole pregnancy experience. I want to see myself with a big tummy, feel the baby kick, have morning sickness, the works. I want it so badly that I can almost taste it. So if this artificial insemination doesn't work, I don't know how I will handle it.

It's hard when you see posts with everyone getting pregnant and having babies.... even harder when it's happening with your real life friends and family. I DO get bitter about it sometimes. I just try and spend time with my hubby because it's easy to get lost in yourself, and I know this is hard on him too. My SIL had her baby boy five days before I was diagnosed with the tubal. Now THAT felt horrid to me. Everyone expected me to be all sunshine and flowers about her baby, but I just couldn't when my own baby died. None of them understood. It was hard to be around her baby, sometimes it is still difficult for me to be around him. Sometimes I feel like life just isn't fair....I mean look at all of these horrible mothers that didn't even want their babies to start with. Mothers that abuse their children.... it's horrid to see them basicly throw away their children when I would do ANYTHING to have one.

I don't have any profound advice about handling the disappointment, I have a hard time when it comes to that part. I usually go into the bathroom and have a good cry by myself. Then I pull myself together, and face the world and try again for next month. It's an emotional roller coaster, that's for certain.

I not only have problems with being infertile, I am also on medications for migraines and seizures. I know what you mean about getting off of the drugs. I am disabled. I have debilitating migraines, tri geminal neuroalgia, and seizures. I had to go off of my beta blockers, and it has NOT been fun. I even had a head surgery last summer to help my migraines. They went in through my eyes, and stripped away a bunch of nerves and muscles in my head so I can't feel the pain as badly. It helped at first, but the weather fronts in the fall and winter are still rough on me. I still get at least 4 migraines per week. I still take my imitrex. When that doesn't work, I go to the ER and get an IV medication done. I can't go off of my anti convulsant yet. My doctors will probably start weaning me off to see what happens soon. There are days when I ask myself, is this even worth it? But then I think, if you want something badly enough, sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal. I will go off of my remaining medications when I am actually pregnant. My doctor knows what I'm on, so it's all done under medical supervision. When I was pregnant with the tubal, my headaches were actually MUCH better. My doctor told me that this happens with alot of women. Either their headaches will stop all together, or if they have never had headaches to start with, they might start getting them. Just something to think about when you are scared to quit taking you migraine drugs.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I know how it feels. Other people will say they understand, and might tell you to get over it, (my Mother) but if they don't actually go through it themselves, they can't POSSIBLY understand the misery of it all. If you ever need to talk, or just need a shoulder to cry on, PM me anytime. I've been dealing with this crap for five years now, so I know what you are going through.
~Rosemary

First of all, don't give up! My cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for 13 years-they tried right after they got married. Last April of 2007(she's 34 and he's 35) they found out they were expecting. They went to fertility specialists and everything and when they found out they were pregnant my family has never been happier! They were hoping that it was more than one so they didn't have to go throught this again. On January 6, 2008(my cousin birthday at that

)Landis Michael was brought into the world

So don't give up!


You are still young. Don't give up hope! If it's meant to be, God will bless you with children of your own.

 

[jack31]

Go Steelers!!

I agree in never giving up. My cousin and her husband tried for 16 years before God blessed them with beautiful twin girls. They are happy healthy beautiful amazing special two year olds.

I know I sound nuts about promising to love every minute--but honest I will regardless of how sick it makes me. Nothing will make me not be thankful for the miracle inside of me.

Leslie

 

[brandi]

Originally Posted by Jack31

For those women dealing with infertility or perhaps a situation like mine (which I have not found many) how do you deal day to day?

Does it break your heart every time you hear someone is pregnant? Do you question whether or not there is a bigger reason and that perhaps you just aren't meant to give birth? Do you like me feel like you are letting your husband and/or family down?

I felt that I was letting people down--especially my husband, but I'm slowly getting past that. I do know one person who thinks less of me, my mother-in-law. She thinks I should just go off the medication and deal with what comes.

Leslie

For one Id tell your M-I-L to bug off...I had to tell my F-I-L to do it. It was the first time DH and I had talked about the possibility of adopting DH parents. His dad spoke right up and said "That would be stupid you would never or could never love that child as much as you did one you naturally produced. I think you all should have one naturally and not adopt because what happens if youve adopted and then have one naturally...the adopted child wont be loved by its grandparents or by you like the real one will" I was steamed

I have never been more angry at anyone in my life...At that point I told him..."You will treat the adopted grandchild like the biological grandchild or you will NEVER see either of them" and we left! Before anyone says I dont mean that let me explain a little bit. My mom left my biological father when I was a few months old. When I was 18months old she met and married Jim he legally adopted me. Jims mother Lucy doted over me and spoilt me rotten as did his parents until my brother was born...at that point I was forgotten. Lucy started introducing me to people as her step
-grandchild and my brother justin as her real grand child. As Justin got older he could see the favortism at Christmas they would give him $100ºº and a card all I got was a $5ºº and a dont spend it all in one place...Dad(Jim) got so mad that he told them either you treat them fair and right or you will not ever see them again. I got that treatment from his mom and his dad and step-mom. I was never treated fair or right. His parents just started doing things behind his back. I swore that if I ever had children that were put in that situation that they would be better off without their grandparents. It really bothered me.

You asked if it broke my hear that someone is pregnant...It does everytime I cry...Im happy for them but bitter at the same time...I want one more then anything in this world as does my husband...there have been times that I have said leave me and find someone who can give you children...His dad told him before our wedding that Kevin(DH)would be better off marrying someone who could give him children and that it wasnt too late to stand me up at the alter...and get this his dad is a preacher. I would have been due this month with a baby that I lost in August...I also lost one towards the end of last month...I am still very emotional and heart-broken...I just want to be a mommy! Its been over a year now without any thing to prevent pregnancy...and while part of me says just give it up and move on there is a part of me that wont move on until I am holding my healthy new-born!! I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do and send you many vibes that go either way pregnancy or adoption!!

 

[sarahp]

My situation is a little different. I had no problems getting pregnant the first time around, but I lost my baby 2 weeks before my delivery date, which was 6 months ago now. It's going to be at least another 6 months before we start trying again, and I definitely get upset about other people who are pregnant. I am so ready to be a mother, and have another 1 1/2 years to wait before it actually happens (provided we don't have any problems next time), when it should have happened 6 months ago.

Sometimes it feels it's never going to happen, and I've had so many friends get pregnant since we lost our baby which has been heartbreaking. I can certainly understand how hard it must be if you're having trouble getting pregnant and see others going through it.

I have a good friend who has tried for years including multiple tries at IVF, and is now going down the adoption path. I think if we have another failed pregnancy, I would feel very discouraged, but would look into adoption - I know I want children, and am happy to adopt if need be, and the group my friend is going through seem wonderful.