Please help

[smitten4kittens]

Hi Dan!  Well done for wanting to repair your relationship(s).  

This blog is where I go for all my cat understanding: http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/

 It's a little hard to search, and I usually end up reading addictively as this lady has both great empathy, great writing, and an amazing understanding of cat psyche.  She has the ability to open a window on a problem that has your feelings all high and twisty, and speak in a new language that will transform your understanding and give you hope.  I searched these ones out for you as a start: 

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/where-did-i-go-wrong/6364

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/friends-cat/1366

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/my-boyfriend-teases-my-cat/8061

Also, since you are interested in understanding cats, Jackson Galaxy has some shows you might like - they are entertaining as well as informative so you won't feel like you're doing homework!  His 'My cat from hell' shows have been running for a year now.  I'm in Australia so I find it difficult to get a stream that will show here, but this works all the time (you'll probably have better options than me):  http://watchseries.li/serie/my_cat_from_hell.

You may find some shows perfect to your situation, as it is quite common for the new person to the relationship (the human-cat one) to need some help.  In fact, the very first show is 'He hates my boyfriend'.   Again, Jackson is a very respectful and empathetic person, as well as knowledgable.  It might be a nice activity to watch the shows with your girlfriend?  You'll want to enlist her help in making amends and she'll love you for it.  (I do this sometimes with my husband, as it helps us BOTH get up to speed with cat knowledge and neither of us then feels like the other is 'telling' us what to do).

Best wishes and please let us know how you go

 I think one of the tips from the show that might help you is the bedtime routine. Have a 15 minute play session with a toy like Da bird, then feed her. She will bathe herself and most likely go to sleep. Cats like the hunt, eat, bathe and sleep routine. You might all get a better night's sleep.

 

[jennyr]

I think for a non-cat person, you are doing extremely well. ANd you have received some excellent advice. Just a couple points I would add - From now on, do not force anything - let the cat dictate the growth of the relationship. You could get her to associate you with good things by putting some treats on a Tshirt that smells of you, and leaving her to get them. Basically, you can do everything that we normally do when we have a frightened feral cat in the house - get it used to your smell and voice without being in any way intimidating. If you don't find it silly, sitting on the floor reading out loud with a handful of treats is a good exercise. Throw the treats around gradually while reading - the cat will learn that your voice means something good, and also will enjoy the game. At this stage I would not try any rougher games like wand toys as the cat may find them a bit too aggressive. But I am sure the time will come. And all cats can learn not to be nocturnal - it just takes a bit of time and keeping them active in the daytime. Good luck, you are doing great.

 

[dan roth]

I appreciate all the advice. Smitten I will copy down those addresses. I am going to see her brothers dog today a jack russel That I love. Then going back to her place. I plan on continuing the progress. I am specifically intrigued to see if that eye trick works. I have to admit I sat in bed and tried to see how to blink slowly. It is not something you ever think about.

One other thing, I realize it is a bit ironic for me to have a picture of my former dog as the icon so if i offended anyone my apologies.

Thanks to everyone who has given their support and will continue to help. I have learned that even though I am near 30, something new is something new, I guess I kind of now understand how my grandmother reacted at the advent of computers or what bill clinton realized when someone whispered in his ear 'tell the truth about extramarital affairs'...bad joke.

Ill let you guys know how it goes.

 

[p3 and the king]

There is really no wrong way to do the "eye trick"!  It does work.  If she blinks back at you, or I should say WHEN she does, you know that you are true friends now and it's all cool. 

I am not offended by the dog photo.  I don't think anyone else would be either?

 

[smitten4kittens]

We love dogs around here. There is a thread in the Fur pictures forum about dogs and their cats, called Pitties and their kitties. Very cute.

Glad things are going well for you.

 

[dan roth]

Ok so I am not so happy right now though I understand things take time. I went over there did the eye thing and got no response. Chloe isnt running away as low to the ground as she used to which is good but too much bad. I stayed over two nights ago (sunday)_ and the cat refused to sleep in the same room as me. She would go in the living area and then constantly scratch the roommates door to get in. It got so bad that my girlfriend had to go and sleep on the couch (i offered to do this). When she went to the couch, Chloe would wait for her to get settled and then immediately jump and lay between her legs and fall asleep. I am leaving the cat alone, it's just very rough going.

My fault? Yes but does this severely suck? YES
 

 

[p3 and the king]

Just give it time.  The eye thing is a sign of trust and complete love.  She is not ready yet.  Give her time, she will be there.  Just keep doing as you're doing.  It'll get better and easier.  Does Chloe like to play?  Try Da Bird or a laser light with her.  Interactive play is also very bonding for humans and cats.  You'll laugh, Chloe will have the time of her life. 

 

[dan roth]

she likes to play and i actually got her a toy i will start working on that. Right now i am offering her treats and if she wont come to me i leave them for her and slowly back away. ITs one way of doing it i guess
 

 

[p3 and the king]

Just remember, with cats... Much like with people, earning their trusts and friendship is one step forward, 2 steps back, a lot of the time it seems.  But it will get easier.  Just don't get discouraged and give up.  Your gf will see your effort too and it will improve that relationship.  I am sure she will be impressed by your efforts.

 

[Willowy]

I wonder if you're expecting too much? Even when a cat likes you, most don't lavish attention on you constantly like some dogs do. As for refusing to sleep in the same room with you. . .I don't know how that could be confirmed. Maybe she just felt like annoying the roommate that night, or she wanted someone to sleep on the couch :lol3:. Cats are weird that way.

 

[sivyaleah]

I've been following this thread but haven't responded yet, but will now.

I just wanted to say that my BF, who every cat adores, has recently come up against a small brick wall with our recent adoptee; Cocoa who is around 4 years old.  Basically, she hadn't been responding to him quite the same way she has with me.  I kept telling him there were various reasons why this might be and that none of them had anything to do with him specifically (although I did suggest he stop walking around the house in his big ole' shoes!) and that in due time, she would warm up to him as well, that he just needed to be patient and that she had her own time frame for trusting him which could not be rushed.  She loved him when he finally was holding her, but just would not come out for him without him bribing her with treats and ran off if he looked at her even for half a second!

To say he was distraught is putting it mildly.  Things were getting somewhat tense with us because of it; like at times he was saying we got the wrong kitty.  Although again, when he had her in his lap he felt otherwise because she's such a love bug.

She will be with us 4 weeks this coming Saturday.  It took me 2 weeks to get to a point where she felt more comfortable with me, nearly 3 before she would come out on her own to greet me.  Finally, just this week he had a breakthrough with her and she now isn't bolting off when she sees him.  She really did test both of our patience, his more than mine but it has been worth it because now that she's coming around, you really do know that she is bonded to you because she wants to be.

Keep up the good work and don't lose hope.  It sounds like you're doing everything right.  It really does just take time for some cats to let go of the anxiety they hold but once they do, it makes it all that much more worthwhile.

 

[meeka11]

Hi there,

While I think you were trying to help the cat overall and think it's nice that you will sit with it when it is upset, it (sorry for calling kitty an it, just can't remember if you said he or she) they just got a little freaked out  by both incidents which is understandable. Cats think differently from dogs in all areas lol!

Great advice on these forums, so read it all but please do stop feeling bad, you were just trying to take care of the cat and I give you credit for taking the time to find out more information!

There are times when I've had to hold down my kitties too, trying to brush out a snarl on my long haired cat, trying to see if something is in a paw...giving medication.... you just ended up in a vunerable spot and you didn't realize it...dogs love their bellies scratched so it would be easy to think you were doing the cat a favor by brushing it, but again that really is something they offer you on their terms. Kitty will be just fine I'm sure : )

Leave future baths to your girlfriend as she best knows the cat. Sorry you got scars! I think sometimes (and maybe this doesn't apply to you)..but maybe some people's idea of how to give a cat a bath may be more like how they would give a dog a bath...especially if they have only had dogs. Cats really have to be reassured and pampered and taken lots of time with when it comes to water. It's a natural instanct to be very fearful. Mine get bathed and sung to in the kitchen sink where I have more control over the water, its not so noisy, and I can lean in close to them for reassurance. I make a big deal of getting all toweled off and cozy and one loves to come sit on my lap under a blanket for an hour or so after his bath. Our dogs just don't seem to mind and rather enjoy the experience. (they don't fit in the sink!)

Just give it time and play with it with a cool cat toy, maybe a bit of catnip..all well work out. I think it's nice you care enough to ask for advice and I think this is a great place to find it, good luck! : )

 

[GoldyCat]

It sounds like you're headed in the right direction. I just wanted to add that you shouldn't be too concerned if kitty doesn't blink back at you (BTW, what is kitty's name?). I have seven cats, some that have been with me since the day they were born, and none of them ever blink back at me. They mostly just stare at me like "are you nuts, lady?" One will stretch out and lick my nose if I blink at her too long. :lol3: The point is, you shouldn't be depending on the blink response to tell you when kitty has accepted you.

 

[dan roth]

Thanks everyone. It continues to be a serious issue. Last night I went over and gently layed on the bed with my girl and the cat, Chloe, She seemed fine and didnt clench and i left her alone. However after a while she got up I let her out and she immediately went into my girlfriends roommates room. She refused to sleep in my girlfriends room for half the night until she realized I wasnt there, Its been nearly three weeks since I bathed her. I know things take time but I wish I had an idea of how long.
 

 

[jcat]

Her not sleeping in your girlfriend's room all night may have nothing to do with you. A lot of cats like to switch sleeping places periodically, i.e., this month's favorite spot might be shunned next month, and others will switch spots throughout the day or night. That's especially true if you have several people in the home; the cat(s) might try to spend a little time with each person.
She might even figure your girlfriend is "taken care of" while you're there, but her roommate needs company. :lol3:

 

[jennyr]

It does take time. And she can probably sense your tension and may mistake it for something aggressive. So chill out a bit, try never to look at her or to approach her, and see what happens. Leave the treats for her on something that smells of you - that is a very good way of getting them used to your smell as a 'good thing'. But don't panic, it will happen.

 

[sivyaleah]

Dan, my BF has been having a tough time with our newly adopted cat also.  It's been 2 steps forward, 3 back now for weeks.  He thought he had made really good progress with her a few days ago and then yesterday, well it was a BAD day (see my thread about "Hissy Fits" and how it dissolved into a day of him thinking the cat had escaped from the house).

He's been taking it all pretty hard, but I'm hoping that yesterday was a wake up call for him.  I hope you come to realize also, that cats just really have their own time table and can not be rushed into trusting some people completely, for whatever reasons they have.  If they could talk, it would be so easy, but all they can do is use their body language which we as humans are still imperfect at reading.

As for her moving to sleep elsewhere, that seems normal to me also.  Our other cat, who has been with us for a while and, is my BF's best buddy, will come to bed with us but most of the time will leave at some point in the night.  Maybe he'll come back, maybe not.  As the saying goes, he has places to go, things to do, people to see.  

Or a big bag of my mail and receipts to tear up and chase, as the case was this morning 

 

[otto]

Thanks everyone. It continues to be a serious issue. Last night I went over and gently layed on the bed with my girl and the cat, Chloe, She seemed fine and didnt clench and i left her alone. However after a while she got up I let her out and she immediately went into my girlfriends roommates room. She refused to sleep in my girlfriends room for half the night until she realized I wasnt there, Its been nearly three weeks since I bathed her. I know things take time but I wish I had an idea of how long.

 

Cats sleep where they want to sleep. It's not personal when a cat gets up from a sleeping spot and goes somewhere else.

You are to be commended for wanting to repair things, but stop trying so hard. If she was on the bed with you and GF, she is comfortable in your presence. She left because she had other cat business to attend to. Had nothing to do with you being there.

Just let her call the shots from now on. Don't go toward her to pet her. Let her come to you for pets. Never reach your hands out to her. Your hands have an unpleasant connection now. Let her come to you, only.

Talk to her in a soft voice, and use her name when you talk to her, constantly. Hi Chloe. How's Chloe? Such a prrrretttyyy kitty Chloe!, Chloe, how about a treat? But don't force your physical presence on her. Meaning, move around naturally, but don't make any deliberate moves toward her.

Some shelter and rescue people use the feliway spray to work with skittish cats. They spray the feliway on their hands.

I just read where you gave her treats on the tree. That's great, and you stopped before she told you she'd had enough, even better. When she is elevated above you is a very good time to try things like that Otherwise, let her come to you.

I don't know what those "pills" are, but I dislike the sound of it. Cats should not be given sedatives. Sedatives make a cat feel "funny" causing the cat to feel even more vulnerable and frightened. If she is being drugged, it's no wonder she is frightened. I would work on convincing Chloe's mother to stop giving her "pills to make her sleep".

I think things will go much better, if the cat is not drugged up.

 

[otto]

I agree that bathing cats is, in general, unnecessary. I do not agree that Persians and other long haired cats, in general, need monthly bathing. Grooming, absolutely, and some cats, such as Persians may need daily brushing, but cats ARE self cleaning and unless they get into something that they cannot wash off, or it would be dangerous for them to wash off, or they are soiled from illness (uncontrollable diarrhea for example) or in other extreme cases, cats do not need baths.

 

[p3 and the king]

Appearantly you do not own Persians.  The thicker the coat, the harder it is for them to clean themselves.  They need bathed and thoroughly dried and groomed after to keep from contracting skin parasites.  Look it up.  If you don't know, don't disagree..... Because you don't know for sure.  I have Persians and if I don't bathe them, like if I miss a month or 2, I end up having to get rid of ringworm or something.  Not fun.

Look at this link, toward the bottom of the descibtion right above "Other Quick Facts"

http://www.vetstreet.com/cats/persian