Please help with clingy kitty

[scookie]

Thanks in advance for reading this long post! I'd like your perspective on how to help my kitty. I adopted a one year old female cat in Nov. and I have to say, she is a very unusual cat. [emoji]128568[/emoji]

On the plus side, she is extremely outgoing. She loves new people, runs to the door to meet the mail man and has a blast helping us entertain guests whenever we have a gathering. I don't think she would run from Godzilla. LOL! She's very affectionate, loves to play and yet still loves to be a lap cat. So it those ways, I couldn't ask for a better cat.

However, the problem is that she is VERY clingy. She has bonded with me and can't stand for me to be out of her paw reach. I work from home and she is a constant bother during the day - trying to crawl on me or my desk, jumping into my lap, licking my hair... I set up a lounging spot on my desk and have also set up a cat tree, a warming pad and toys in different spots in my home office but she wants to be on me / bothering me. When I have a conference call and must put her outside the closed door she yowls - even up to 2 hours. She will not go to one of the cat trees or myriad of toys I have set up for her around the house (including hunting / treat toys).

During my non work hours, she always wants to be in my lap. If I am standing or moving she is there and pawing at my legs for attention. These behaviors aren't a problem, they're very cute! But it speaks to how she always wants to be around me.

When I feed her, I leave the room to go back to what I'm doing. Then she yowls in the great room "looking" for me even if she knows where I went (during the week, after her morning feeding I'm always back in my office) We don't feed her from our plates but she will sit at our feet and yowl for food. I don't let her sleep with me. Yet she yowls outside the door at night for hours keeping me up. And it's been months since we adopted her. So consistency (eg. it's night time, here's your bed with a treat) doesn't "train" her to behave. I tried squirting her with a spray bottle at night per advice on a pet forum for about a week but neither she nor I was crazy about that solution. I'm not sure what the rituals were in her previous home but I would have thought that by now she would have given up on dinner scraps and getting in our room at night.

On one particular day, I had some work to do and then some of my team over for a long meeting so Remy had to stay out of the office (and away from me) for over 8 hours. Other family members were in the house at different times but she ignored them and stayed outside my office door yowling. That evening she was so upset she was moody (didn't want to interact, seemed to be hunting me if that makes sense?) and then jumped on the sofa and bit me as if to punish me for being away from her so long. That sent me through the roof. This happened two other times that I left town for business travel. I love the cat but I'm not willing to be bitten because she is needy. I talked to the vet in specific about this behavior and her suggestion was to try medicating her. I would strongly prefer not to do that.

So, I love my kitty. I love giving her attention. Everyone in the family does. She gets play time and cuddle time daily. But she is not responding to routines and boundaries. I want to keep her happy and bouncy. But she has to be able to entertain herself during the day and not be a brat if I have to be away for travel.

I'd love your advice but let me say up front. I am not open to any solutions that require me to interrupt or modify my work. If I was in an office all day, she would have to "cope" without me for those hours. So, if she can be in my home office happily prowling around and getting the occasional head pet and cuddle, that's great. I'd love for us to keep each other company. But she can't interfere. I'm also not open to letting her sleep with me / in my bedroom. Other than that I'm open to trying new things.

Thanks for your help!

 

[catman513]

I have an overly bonded cat also. Every minute he would be on me if he had his way.

It was hard at first, putting him on the floor. but, its about us, not them. he will try and try and try again. But, eventually, he finds another thing to do.

No squirting or loud noises, or spanking. That is not who you are, right?

Just be as persistent as your cat is and eventually, it will work.

 

[defanged]

My cat also displays behaviors indicative of an unusual dependence on my undivided attention manifested by maladaptive coping strategies having to do with being left alone or just being ignored. However, in Toki's case I am relatively certain that this "pathology" stems from spending a large portion of her formative years in a shelter. Like your cat she has an irritating habit of jumping up and walking on my keyboard or computer (she's even figured out where to step to turn it off). She also does the licking thing (which I don't mind) and the pouncing/tackle move (she weighs 9 lbs - - i don't think I'm in any danger), but I have to say that these things don't bother me because a) it takes time for a cat (or a dog, etc.) to settle in to a home and learn to read the signals given off by a completely different species and b) part of taking care of an animal is knowing when to compromise and meet your ward halfway. Your cat isn't deliberately trying to piss you off; he/she is feeling insecure and confused. You can't attribute human comprehension or motivation to an animal.

If you are this upset by your cat's "neediness", perhaps - and I don't mean to sound harsh - both you and your cat would be happier if you found another caretaker who doesn't get quite so upset by feline behavior.

 

[scookie]

Your response is typical of what I find from unthinking people on pet boards. Condescending and quick to suggest that anyone having an issue / not happy with a behavior is somehow unsuitable to keep the animal and should rehome him or her. You don't sound harsh. You sound unhelpful and silly.

I'm a pet owner asking for help in nurturing my cat so that she is confident and has the healthy skill of self entertainment. Only a needy human would want to keep their cat dependent on them and view that behavior - which you yourself point out is likely a maladaptive one from a scary, lonely situation - as positive.

Additionally, to jump to the insane idea that a well loved and spoiled cat should be rehomed because I get upset at being bitten or because I want to stop hours of yowling is quite heartless. I need to try a number of techniques to solve the root problem so the cat doesn't display the behaviors - not rehome. I pity any cat that comes into your life and doesn't meet your specifications early in their time with you if you believe rehoming is an appropriate response to an upsetting, inappropriate behavior.

I'll wait for constructive feedback from sensible and thoughtful people who are interesting in helping me care for and nurture my kitty into healthy independence and loving coexistence. Take your heartless viewpoints elsewhere.

 

[scookie]

I have an overly bonded cat also. Every minute he would be on me if he had his way.

It was hard at first, putting him on the floor. but, its about us, not them. he will try and try and try again. But, eventually, he finds another thing to do.

No squirting or loud noises, or spanking. That is not who you are, right?

Just be as persistent as your cat is and eventually, it will work.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'll keep nudging and hopefully she will get the point. :-)

 

[sprin]

I agree that consistency is probably going to be the key. I know it's a hassle, and you'll probably deal with a bunch of yowling in the middle before she understands, but if you consistently move her to the floor and ignore her outside the door then she'll get it. Also when you move her, be sure not to give any other kind of attention or response. No quick pet before you put her down, no talking to her, not even negative attention. Just pick her up and put her down. One of my cats was a bit of a clinger, and anytime I wanted her to stop doing a behavior moving her off my lap and ignoring her was the way to teach her that I didn't like that particular behavior.

I know cats can definitely just be bonded to one person dispute anything else, but you can maybe get your family to help with feeding and playing with her to see if she'll bond with them more and learn to go to them for attention too. Maybe when you shut the door on her, you can get someone else in your family to redirect her for a play session with a wand toy to see if that helps break her focus. Also, it's kind of hard, but if her yowling is keeping you up or disrupting work calls then you can put her in a room with food, water, litter, soft stuff to lay on, and toys sometimes while you're sleeping so she can't yowl right outside the door. I can't tell you how much my cats have grown in the years I've had them, so 4-5 months is still early in your relationship with her.

Edit: How do you play with her, and how much time do you actively play with her? It's possible that some of the attention seeking behavior is because she's bored, especially since she's so young. At night a nice long play session might help her settle down. It's hard for a cat to go a long time without seeing people or being able to be with anyone.

 

[defanged]

the truth hurts, huh?

 

[natalie_ca]

Animals have different personalities, just like people do.  Some are extroverted, others introverted. Some are clingy and needy, others more aloof.  The "problem" you have of a very affectionate cat that enjoys your company is one that many people on these forums would kill for.  IMHO you are very lucky.  My cat Abby was very clingy and needy as she got older. I admit that I grew frustrated at times when she would want attention when I was trying to do something at the computer, or trying to crochet while watching TV.   I made a space for her on my desk with a soft towel, and I would rub her head and scratch her chin/neck periodically to let her know that I was here and hadn't forgotten about her.  Having a clingy, affectionate cat can be overwhelming sometimes, but in the end you know what?  One day she won't be there, and you will be desperately wishing that she was.

Perhaps you should get a second cat so that they can be buddies and entertain one another.  You cat sounds like she's lonely and you are her cuddle buddy.  A second cat might be the answer.

Also, please don't spray water at your cat to correct behaviour. That is equal to someone turning a garden hose on you when you do something they don't like. it's mean and considered abusive, which I don't think is what you intended to be; you just received some very bad advice.

Why don't you let her sleep with you?  Some of my best sleeps have been when my cat has snuggled up near me and purred me to sleep.  I had my 18 year old, Abby, put to sleep last Friday. She loved to cuddle with me in bed and she purred up a storm.  It was so nice to fall asleep to her warmth and purring, and wake up the same way.  I miss that so much.

 

[scookie]

the truth hurts, huh?

Trolls should stay under bridges.

 

[scookie]

I agree that consistency is probably going to be the key. I know it's a hassle, and you'll probably deal with a bunch of yowling in the middle before she understands, but if you consistently move her to the floor and ignore her outside the door then she'll get it. Also when you move her, be sure not to give any other kind of attention or response. No quick pet before you put her down, no talking to her, not even negative attention. Just pick her up and put her down. One of my cats was a bit of a clinger, and anytime I wanted her to stop doing a behavior moving her off my lap and ignoring her was the way to teach her that I didn't like that particular behavior.

I know cats can definitely just be bonded to one person dispute anything else, but you can maybe get your family to help with feeding and playing with her to see if she'll bond with them more and learn to go to them for attention too. Maybe when you shut the door on her, you can get someone else in your family to redirect her for a play session with a wand toy to see if that helps break her focus. Also, it's kind of hard, but if her yowling is keeping you up or disrupting work calls then you can put her in a room with food, water, litter, soft stuff to lay on, and toys sometimes while you're sleeping so she can't yowl right outside the door. I can't tell you how much my cats have grown in the years I've had them, so 4-5 months is still early in your relationship with her.

Edit: How do you play with her, and how much time do you actively play with her? It's possible that some of the attention seeking behavior is because she's bored, especially since she's so young. At night a nice long play session might help her settle down. It's hard for a cat to go a long time without seeing people or being able to be with anyone.

Thanks for this insight. As I think about your comments in the context of what I've been doing, I think I may have inadvertently been giving her additional attention when I want her to stop the behavior. For example, at times I want her to stop yowling I'll try to distract her with a treat or a toy and put her in another place. But she is likely seeing this as a reward for the yowling. I'll remember to simply remove her and ignore.

And I have put her in another room with her toys and one of her litter boxes for short periods of time when I've really needed to not hear the yowling. But I try to limit that time because if this is an abandonment issue, I don't want her to take "mini" abandonment from being removed.

I play with her for a half hour in the morning and for a half hour in the evening. That doesn't count grooming time each evening which she loves or any spontaneous play time during the day. My son will often play "chase" with her but she'll lose interest after 5 minutes or so and either plop on the floor or if I'm sitting nearby, walk over and sit on my lap. I also moved her meals to noon and 10pm on the recommendation of the vet so that she has a full belly at night time. I've thought about getting her a playmate which was another suggestion by the vet. (And it would be great to rescue another sweetie) But that would have to wait until the summer when I have a bit more time to ensure a good, slow introduction so my current kitty doesn't feel invaded.

 

[scookie]

Animals have different personalities, just like people do.  Some are extroverted, others introverted. Some are clingy and needy, others more aloof.  The "problem" you have of a very affectionate cat that enjoys your company is one that many people on these forums would kill for.  IMHO you are very lucky.  My cat Abby was very clingy and needy as she got older. I admit that I grew frustrated at times when she would want attention when I was trying to do something at the computer, or trying to crochet while watching TV.   I made a space for her on my desk with a soft towel, and I would rub her head and scratch her chin/neck periodically to let her know that I was here and hadn't forgotten about her.  Having a clingy, affectionate cat can be overwhelming sometimes, but in the end you know what?  One day she won't be there, and you will be desperately wishing that she was.


Perhaps you should get a second cat so that they can be buddies and entertain one another.  You cat sounds like she's lonely and you are her cuddle buddy.  A second cat might be the answer.


Also, please don't spray water at your cat to correct behaviour. That is equal to someone turning a garden hose on you when you do something they don't like. it's mean and considered abusive, which I don't think is what you intended to be; you just received some very bad advice.


Why don't you let her sleep with you?  Some of my best sleeps have been when my cat has snuggled up near me and purred me to sleep.  I had my 18 year old, Abby, put to sleep last Friday. She loved to cuddle with me in bed and she purred up a storm.  It was so nice to fall asleep to her warmth and purring, and wake up the same way.  I miss that so much.

e
Her being affectionate is not an issue. Her being affectionate is one of the many great qualities she has - along with being social, brave, intelligent and more. So I want to encourage her to continue to be the happy cat she is while putting an end to her unhealthy / anti social behaviors. The problem is that she has an overdeveloped need for attention that results in biting and yowling for hours. So I'm looking for ways to train her so that she knows those behaviors are inappropriate while also building her confidence and the ability to self entertain.

And I understand you don't want to spray your cats. But the animal behaviorist I had to visit the house agreed with the vet that it was an appropriate technique to curb unwanted behavior. I didn't like doing it and felt it wasn't right for me any my cat but it seems that there is support for it being a valid approach.

 

[gareth]

You mean you found someone that said its ok. My wife is a vet and can't stand people doing it. I am a psychologist and think it's inappropriate. Aversion therapy has its uses, but spraying an animal in the face that just wants to demonstrate its love for you seems perverse.

If you find this response typical from people on pet forums, perhaps you should stop and ask yourself why.

 

[catman513]

Yea, it is tempting to use aversion for animals if it works well. But for cats it really doesn't, IMO.

Vets tend to sublimate what works for dogs with what works for cats because they have so little experience in cat training. I think that dogs will associate the punishment with their own act while cats will associate the punishment with the person administering it. I say this from a whole lot of experience. With children, household employees, visitors, former spouses, etc. I fired a cleaning lady because the cat hid whenever she came in compared with his greeting strangers at the door.

I think cats care about the person's character and have an uncanny sense of it.

Showing, once again, how much smarter cats are than dogs.

 

[sprin]

I don't think they went out and searched for someone who will tell them it's OK to spray the cat. A lot of vets and articles online do recommend the spray bottle method, so it wouldn't surprise me if the OP was told by people they trust to spray their cat. I'm glad that they decided on their own that this method didn't sit well for them and they decided to stop.OP, I think you sound like a loving cat owner who is asking us for help with a cat who has a few negative behaviors. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your cat to stop biting and yowling for hours while you're working.I'm glad my advice was helpful. It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right already.