Please help... my kitty best friend hates my boyfriend

[chloeolivia]

Hi everyone! I have two cats and they mean the world to me. Churro and Kiki are both 6 and have been with me since they were kittens.

Kiki is my best friend, we're very close. For years I made the mistake of feeding her when she asked me for food, so she put on weight. It's been our goal to get her to shed a few pounds and I've been feeding her less since February of this year. She certainly doesn't appreciate being on a diet.

I've been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. He is my favorite person ever and we made the decision early on that he'd move in in Aug 2020 (which he did).

Kiki is timid with people at first and it takes her a long time to warm up to people. I was surprised when she warmed up to my boyfriend seemingly quickly for her (around 2 months). From about November to February, she really liked my boyfriend. She'd lay on him and lick his nose, fall asleep on him, etc.

Then things took a turn. Since about March or something, she's been hissing at him when he walks by, and it's gotten worse. Now she will snarl and swipe at his feet. It usually only happens in certain places, like the dining room/kitchen and this one specific portion of the sectional sofa (lol). (She will *very occasionally* lay on him and take a nap still, but it's very rare.)

My boyfriend and I are determined to fix their relationship because it's causing everyone a lot of anxiety. Kiki and I are a package deal, she's not going anywhere, so we need to figure it out but I really, really, don't want to medicate her. (I will if I have to, but that's a last resort.)

Here are some theories I have why she's become aggressive toward him:
- she's jealous (she's lived with me and two other boyfriends, but I'm much more invested in my relationship with this boyfriend)
- she's associated the reduction in food with him
- she doesn't like that he's been in her space so much since we started quarantining
- he has a loud voice and can sarcastically fake fight with me

Some things we've tried to solve the issue:
- we've been feeding her outside of the dining room (where she used to exclusively be fed)
- clicker training, she gets rewarded when he can approach her, put her hand near her and she doesn't act out (been doing this for a couple weeks)
- when my boyfriend gets frustrated with her hissing he'll sometimes either force a pet on her (not too aggressive obviously, but I don't like this method) or just stands his ground (this also makes me uncomfortable bc he's 6'1" and I'm afraid he's intimidating to her)

Please please please give me advice if you have been in a similar situation! I really don't want to resort to medication and I want Kiki to feel safe and happy! Thank you <3

 

[susanm9006]

A few thing that need to be done to mend their relationship. It may take some restraint in his part but he needs to always be quiet and gentle with her. No fake fighting, no forcing a pet on her, always backing off when she hisses and not making eye contact. Those hisses mean that she is, for whatever reason, fearful of him and when he doesn’t leave it just frightens her more.

He can also try winning her over by being her primary caregiver. Since she enjoys food, he should be the one setting her food out. Not forcing any kind of interaction, just placing it down for her and if he is willing he should aLso clean her litterbox. I suggest he alsospend some time every day sitting on the floor where he is less intimidating and trying to engage her in some play with a wand or laser. If she doesn’t want to play with him, then he should still just sit there for a while.

 

[Jcatbird]

All the advice already given is excellent. It sounds like he has frightened her or maybe he unknowingly stepped on a tail or sat on it? Since she associates the dining, kitchen and sofa with a place to hiss, it makes me wonder if whatever started this happened in those spots? It’s easy to miss a kitty that slips behind you or runs under a foot. Perhaps those are the places she saw him play fighting with you? He really can’t force a truce. It must be earned. Her trust has taken a turn. Using the methods mentioned above should make a difference. I definitely would solve the trust issue rather than medicating her. You need to figure out what is scaring her in order to prevent her from having a continued life of fear. Even medication can’t fix that if you don’t repair the trust. He sounds like a good guy since she took to him so quickly. Hopefully he will understand the importance of repairing their relationship. It’s hard to change playful habits of teasing you with play fighting but a cat may see that as a threat to you. She is your BFF and I think she may just be thinking she is protecting you. This can be solved as long as BF shows her his love. Please do let us know how things are going.

 

[ArtNJ]

Agree with all of the above. The only one of your listed reasons that makes sense is loud voice and fake fights with you. And as you already seem to know, forcing a pet on her is the absolute worst thing he could do. susanm9006 nailed the solution -- he needs to treat her as though she is emotionally fragile because he did something bad to her (even though he didn't) and try to win her back over with patience and close attention to what she wants and doesn't.

Keep an eye out to make sure that she isn't sick or injured which increases the chance that cats will change their attitude about a human.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

And, since this only happens in two specific places, it might be that she heard something outside (or in the house) that frightened her when you boyfriend happened to be in those places, and she now associates that fear with him. Cats are incredibly emotionally complex little creatures, and this is an example of that. He may not have done a thing, just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That said, you have gotten excellent advice on how to move forward. If the boyfriend is as committed as you are, this can be fixed with time and patience, and patience, and a little more patience.

 

[di and bob]

Ther fake fights and loud voice will definitely scare a cat into fearing someone. She will eventually get used to it, but for now, I would try to eliminate some of this so she doesn't escalate into full-blown attacks. Him 'fighting' with you would definitely cause her to fear him. Cats are often afraid of men, they are louder and more intimidating. It takes many months for cats to get used to change and you have brought in a lot for her. NEVER try to force a cat to do what you want to do, like cornering her to pet or hold her. She WILL attack if she feels threatened. Females are more likely to feel threatened and uncertain about change, they instinctively have to be to protect their kittens/place in the hierarchy. They are independent, proud creatures and unlike dogs, do not strive to fit in or be submissive to an alpha. Your boyfriend is just reinforcing her fear by approaching her. A cat often comes around if they are ignored, they don't feel threatened. I would have him ignore her unless she approaches him. She will be observing him closely now, trying to make up her mind. Have him offer her treats, but just leave them there and leave. You can have low-calorie treats like shaved turkey breast, this way she will associate good things with him. Just try to remember cats absolutely hate any change in their world, and it takes them many months to adjust at times. She will come around in time.......Animals are excellent in the way they can sense humans' motives and feelings. Keep that in mind. If the boyfriend really wants to please you or her he will try to change a little, for at least a little while during this transition time. I can tell him one thing about cats, you earn a cat's trust and love. and once you do it is a lifelong treasure!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

di and bob brings up a very good point. Often, all you have to do to win over a cat is utterly ignore it. If she does approach your boyfriend, have him slowly and gently extend a single finger out to her. If she "bumps noses," she is beginning to trust. If she backs away, lower the arm, and try again another day.

 

[chloeolivia]

Hi everyone! I cannot tell you how grateful and encouraged I feel to wake up to all of your replies! Thank you all so much for taking the time to send us your advice. My BF and I are really excited to try the methods you mentioned. He's a super kind and patient person, just hasn't been around cats as much as dogs, so I think his instinctual approach is better suited for dogs than cats.

I forgot to mention two points that actually lead me to believe it has more to do with food than my BF's sarcasm or volume:
- Kiki also attacks my other cat in the kitchen/dining room when he walks by and she's hungry. And on occasion she'll swipe at me, too! (Again, only when she's asking for food in the kitchen and this only started happening like 6-8 weeks ago.)
- My BF has had a loud voice and has been sarcastic since Kiki met him and she initially did take to him. (But maybe she changed her mind about that?)

In any case, I love all the ideas you all mentioned and we're starting them all today! Thanks again for your time and for caring about our situation.

 

[chloeolivia]

Oh and PS -- if anyone has ideas of what we should do when my BF *has* to be in the kitchen to cook? Kiki just sits in the middle of it and hisses at / swipes at / sometimes stalks him. Our plan is to give her plenty of space when she asks for it, but that can't happen when she sits in the middle of everyone's path in the kitchen and we're making food.

 

[Jem]

When BF is cooking...is it always around the same time? I mention this because IF this is food related, and she responds to food. Perhaps make your BFs cooking time one of her meal times. He could present her with the food right before getting his cooking going. This way Kiki will be distracted, with something she loves, given to her by someone who's trying to win her over....
You can also, to give your BF more time in the kitchen without being stalked, feed her with a puzzle feeder. It would slow her down, and could also help enrich her cat like tendencies by having her play/work for her food.
Here are some examples....

AND you can also see about making your own!!

 

[flybear]

your cat is being a stinker ... cats are really smart and socially competent - maybe it is time to set some ground rules and - eeehhm ... loving discipline ... Put your baby in another room if someone is cooking ... especially after a swipe ... cats get used to almost any routine and if smelling food and people making it is too stressful ... maybe it is easier to have Kiki somewhere else. Cats lash out when stressed - reducing the stress and creating a space for them to feel safe can help. Making sure she has plenty of spots in the home where nobody will approach her might help ... cat shelves , play trees, boxes ( you can make great play mansions with free boxes ) ... whatever your floorpan allows. Have your boyfriend play with her ... Dabird, anything your cat is crazy about ... have him give her a treat when she is being nice , have him feed her. And most importantly ... have him ignore her most of the time ... for whatever reason ... this has worked best with all fearful cats or little sinkers we got through the rescue ... try less to make things right ... keep your routines and ooze confidence ... try not to take it personal - cats are experts at picking up their owner's anxieties ... if you worry ... your cat worries ... she'll be ok ... she will adjust to boyfriend in time ... and boyfriend will find his own way to connect with Kiki ...

 

[chloeolivia]

Thank you so, so much! That is so helpful. Great tips to help during our time in the kitchen and beyond.

 

[lollie]

Is your boyfriend around any other cats or dogs during the day? There is always the possibility there is a smell component going on. An animal he's encountering, a new cologne, or a smell from another environment while he's away.

 

[ArtNJ]

How is the cat's weight? How often and what do you feed?

If this is food-related, there might be other ways to tackle it. Jem 's idea of a puzzle feeder is one good idea. You can go to amazon and put in "puzzle feeder" and "slow feeder" and you'll see the high rated ones. The main difference would be that puzzle feeders are meant to be a game and slow feeders to stretch out the eating experiece by making them work for it, but the concept is the same and some of the products may fall into both categories. But there might be other/better ways depending on the specific feeding situation you have going on right now.

 

[chloeolivia]

Hi! Thanks for your questions... My boyfriend isn't around any other animals during the day, just my cats.

She's a little heavy (not super heavy, but she's on a diet). We feed her 3-4 times a day depending on how many little snacks she gets here and there. Those main meals consist of one Small Batch chicken slider. She'll get small helpings of Orijen kibble throughout the day if she gets jealous of her brother eating (never more than 1/4 cup in total).

She does have a food puzzle but since her main source of food is raw sliders, she typically eats that in a bowl. I've never thought of putting her wet food in the puzzle because it seems like a pain to clean, but maybe we'll try that!

 

[ArtNJ]

Hmm, I'm not expert on this, but petmd says cats get 24-35 calories per pound for weight maintenance, and the sliders are apparently 34 calories each. So four of those plus a random amount of dry might be the problem -- i.e. the sliders alone are not enough, and since you are not apportioning the dry, she is maybe not consistently getting enough. I realize she is a little chunky, but I'm thinking consistency could just maybe be an issue.

In addition to the possibility of actual hunger now and then, it sounds like she gets fed extra (you mentioned snacks and dry) on a (to her) random basis, which can encourage behaviors to try and get more out of you. With some cats, that might be excessive meowing. With yours, it might explain the swatting. Swatting can definitely be attention based, or goal based (here the goal is to get fed).

So my overall suggestion is getting more rigorous about feedings in terms of specific amounts and times to address these two possibilities. Maybe neither is your issue, (I don't have an explanation for why its focused on the BF unless he is the primary or more manipulateable cat feeder) but it makes sense to try and rule them out when you have a kitchen-centered problem.

 

[chloeolivia]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice! I was following the guide on the back of the Small Batch bag and they said to feed 4 sliders a day to a 10 pound cast (we're trying to get her down to 10 lbs). A 1/4 cup of Orijen is around 100 calories, so if she gets that whole 1/4 cup, she only gets 3 sliders. But like you, when I google how many calories to feed her it seems like I'm underfeeding her!

I'll increase it to 5 sliders plus a little kibble, at regular times and we'll see what happens!

 

[Kat0121]

I agree that he should feed her and engage her in hands free play with a wand toy or laser pointer. This will help her associate him with good things. He should also talk to her. Cats are very intelligent, intuitive animals and I firmly believe that they understand far more than some people give them credit for. Without making eye contact, have him quietly tell her that he's sorry that she's so upset and he wants to be friends again. When he looks towards her, have him close his eyes and keep them closed for a few seconds. This is the slow blink. All cats know this. It is one way they communicate with each other. This is how they greet one another and show affection. If he does this frequently, he will see that she will start to do it back and soon, she will do it first. Like others have mentioned, it is important that he give her control over the relationship. This friendship can be fixed. He just needs to be patient.

 

[chloeolivia]

Hi everyone! Just wanted to update you all that we think we repaired the relationship. Having my bf feed her more often than me and having him ignore her really did the trick! Thank you all so much for your help -- it made a world of difference.

 

[Kat0121]

Hi everyone! Just wanted to update you all that we think we repaired the relationship. Having my bf feed her more often than me and having him ignore her really did the trick! Thank you all so much for your help -- it made a world of difference.

That's great! I hope things continue to get back to normal. Yay friendship!