Please help, aggressive cat

[bailzcourt]

Hi there,
Here's the story. My boyfriend and I just moved in together about a month ago. Before that we have been dating for a year. Anyway the move included two kitties, one (we will call her Betsy) who is already crazy-ish but generally well behaved, and the other, we will call her misty, who unfortunately we had to put her down due to a serious condition she was born with that we had no idea she had. Anyway, Betsy had never exhibited aggressive behavior toward anyone. She has also not been spayed, and I'm hoping this will be the answer but bear with me. Since we moved in together, at first Betsy and Misty would both explore,and then hide. Shortly before Misty had been put down, Betsy would start to act fearful of me and aggressive. Then, she went into heat and was VERY affectionate. We had a very affectionate cat until about a week after misty had been put down, when we adopted another cat, mainly to keep her company and because we both fell in love with this new cat. (bear in mind please that our new cat is in no way a replacement for Misty, we had planned on adopting anyway.) Since then, Betsy has been overly aggressive toward me... I feel like its jealousy but I'm not at all sure. She is making it to where I am afraid to go into the same room as her,because when I walk in she will hiss at me or swat at me when I'm near. Before the move she has NEVER done this to me, she's always been generally loving to me, the only time she misbehaved previous to this was when she peed on me, and that was a one time thing. This time, she picks fights, and cowers behind our coffee pot and microwave and will do business there, or hide in our kitchen cabinets when she's not out seemingly trying to intimidate- all of which are definite no-nos, but since she is a walking chainsaw we don't really do anything but just let her hide. I've seriously tried everything- calming collars,scent diffusers, giving her treats, trying to use a laser pointer to play,given her cat nip.... Tried to show her I am safe, everything... Shedoesnt act this way around my boyfriend,unless I'm near him and he tries to shoo her from somewhere.

Its gotten to the point where it's caused stress on our relationship. We arguing and losing sleep. Very stressed out. Rehoming the cats is NOT an option and neither are break ups or moving out. Has ANYONE experienced this before? What should I do?

If it's not jealousy, we think she may have been abused by her previous owner when she was a kitten. We were told that one of the other cats she had had knocked her over and she hit her head, but given the violent and unpredictable temperament of her background, there is almost no doubt in our minds that she might have hit Betsy herself. I'm thinking maybe she hates all female humans for that reason, but like I said she's NEVER been this way to me until we moved in so that's why I also kinda doubt her previous owner did anything. There's no way to be 100%certain. And for the record, I have never hurt this cat in any way, I've only tried to bond for the sake of a happy house, but I do admit I've vocally expressed my frustration... I mean the cat is a bully.

What do I do?

 

[swampwitch]

I really hesitate to say this, but it sounds like Betsy might still be receiving abuse from someone. That's what kept popping into my head as I read your post… I'm sorry.

I'm sure you will be getting some good advice here. 

 

[mollyblue]

I am a little confused.  First let me say I am sorry for your loss.  Second, its sounds like there are a lot of changes going on with your kitty in a short time, you and your boyfriend moving in together, and getting a new feline roommate being two big ones.  Not sure how many overnights you and your boyfriend had prior to living together, maybe it wasn't that big of a change, but her doing her business behind the coffeemaker and microwave could be territorial issues.  Not being spayed I am pretty sure plays a role too... surely you can be sympathetic to the rollercoast PMS can be.  Have you already adopted the new cat, and are Betsy and the new cat getting along, sharing space, food, etc.?

I think the first thing I would do would be to have her vet checked, and spaying is always a good idea.    If she has a urinary tract infection, that could be causing her pain and making her cranky, and cause her to urinate in places she is not supposed to.

 

[bailzcourt]

I can understand you thinking that, but it's definitely not that. I've been avoiding her because of her sudden onset of aggression, and my boyfriend treats her like royalty. If there is any abuse its from someone outside of the home, and we've not had visitors.

 

[bailzcourt]

Thank you Molly. All of that was what I figured. My boyfriend did say she could be depressed from losing her best friend on top of this. And you're right, lots of changes going on. I just needed to hear from someone else. I've been feeling so guilty like I must be doing something wrong for the cat to suddenly hate me, and of course I'm not, but to her I guess I am, invading her territory (my boyfriend) our overnights were once a week previous to that. And she and the newbie cat are slowly being introduced, he's very non aggressive and sweet. He backs off when she does give him her warnings and my boyfriend said she acted the same way when Misty was introduced. I just needed this put into perspective. So again thank you. Is her attitude toward me going to ever change?

 

[Columbine]

It sounds like Betsy is highly stressed - and no wonder. She's had a hell of a lot to deal with in such a short time. Moving house is always really stressful for cats (much more so than for humans), and losing Misty will have hit her really hard too. On top of that, you've brought a new cat into the house. Betsy's raging hormones from cycling in and out of heat won't be helping her either.

Basically, I think Betsy's gone straight into fight-or-flight reactions because she simply can't cope with or process everything that's been going on in her life. I don't think she's a bully at all - she's just scared and not coping. The fact that she's been abused in the past explains some of her reactions too. You say it was a woman who abused her. That in itself explains why she reacts so differently with you than with your BF. She simply see women as dangerous or threatening. It takes time and patience to teach an abused animal that they're no longer in danger and that they can trust those around them. Please try not to get frustrated or defensive with Betsy (however hard that might be), as she needs you to be calm and quiet so she can learn that you're safe to be around.

Do bear in mind that all the stresses that Betsy's been through recently could easily have triggered memories of her troubled past and caused her behaviour to regress.

I think Betsy would really benefit from Composure, and maybe Spirit Essences too. Feliway is always a great first step, but I think Betsy need more than Feliway alone to get back on an even keel.

Avoid catnip for now, as it could be exacerbating her behaviour - catnip can actually intensify the emotional state the cat is in at the time.

Lastly, please do get Betsy spayed asap. She'll be calmer, happier and healthier for in.[article="30274"][/article][article="30307"][/article][article="30316"][/article][article="32758"][/article][article="29673"][/article][article="32390"][/article][article="32680"][/article][article="29726"][/article][article="0"][/article][article="0"][/article]

 

[mollyblue]

Well if you are stressing as much as the cat is (and I am sure there has to be a certain level of stress with wanting everything to work out without any bumps) you can also be putting off your own hormones.  You and Betsy just need to step back, take a couple deep breathes, and give it a little time.  Tell your boyfriend you think he needs to clean up the pee.  Get the cat vet checked to make sure its not medical... and with Betsy, slow down a little.  She accepted you as a friend when you were dating and that is all good... but now you are friend that doesn't leave.  Avoiding staring directly at Betsy, give her some slow blinks if you catch her staring at you.  Offer friendship or treats or whatever, but don't insist... wait and sort of follow her lead. I really do think things will get better.

 

[Columbine]

Just realised I missed the pee issue. Be sure to clean thoroughly with an enzymatic cleaner, and then block off access to these areas. The goal is to remove anywhere that Betsy can trap or corner herself. She's clearly feeling territorially insecure, and the peeing is all part of that. It's also possible that she's been spraying - something that's much more common in unspayed girls.

I'd also suggest that you get her checked out by a vet -urinary tract issues are a common reason for inappropriate peeing, and they can often be triggered by stress.[article="32366"][/article][article="29684"][/article][article="32341"][/article][article="32493"][/article]

 

[bailzcourt]

Thank you so much Mollyblue and Columbine. Your advice has been helpful and eases my mind.

 

[mollyblue]

Keep us posted... we hope to hear good news soon!

 

[bailzcourt]

So here is a small update.

Betsy is still hiding in her cabinet, although not AS much.  Last night I cleaned my house really good, lit a candle and an incense (she seems to like the lotus scent by a brand called Maroma) and left some light classical music on. I was waiting on my couch for my tea to heat up and she walked in to the room, looking away at first and then saw me. Her reaction was priceless. She stared me down so I took the slow blink advice and looked at her, slowly blinked and looked away. I repeated that a few more times before grabbing my tea and leaving the room. Before I left I sat some treats on the ground, looked at her and said calmly, "see? Good kitty. Thank you for not hissing at me." And left. About 15 mins later She then jumped on my counter and knocked down and broke my favorite incense holder. I was mad... But I was calm. She ran into her cabinet hissing the entire time but I then said, "itsokay, you didn't mean it. I'm not mad."

She spent time today kinda staring at me in the living room and I just kinda ignored it. So far the blinking method is working. Now... My dog is coming over for a few days so my parents can go out of town.... Uh oh... Separate room time and continue to keep calm I guess?

 

[grizzlysapien]

@bailzcourt  Hello and welcome!

I had a similar experiene with my cat. He is male.. And he wasn't neutered when he displayed this inexplicable behaviour..

I won't say much, cause the members who posted above are surely more experienced..

But I will give you the advice that the animal behaviorist gave me, when I hired him to train my little monster:

Betsy, will need some time away from you. If you have a spare room, it will be great. If you don't, try to confine her for a few days in a space inside your house/appartment where you won't enter everyday.

For as long as this will go on, try to have some regular "dates" with her 

 I don't know how to put it exactly.. I'll give you an example:

If you two (you + Betsy) haven't seen each other for, say, 2 days, try (on the 3rd day) to enter the space she is confined in and just sit there.. Don't try to play with her, or seek her attention. You will have to let her make the 1st move.. If she starts biting you or attacking you, look the other way and ignore her. If she continues to act out, leave the room.. Repeat again the next day.. You'll do that, until you reach to a point where you'll enter the room and 1. she is wandering around the room, doing her thing, without giving you much attention (this will mean that you pose no threat to her), and/or 2. she approaches you and asks you to pet her..

We did this and it worked. The circumstances were different and the case was far worse.. But it worked.

You might have noticed that I didn't suggest you play with her, during your "sessions".. Don't play with her, at first. Playing wakes up a multitude of insticts and they might lead her to get over-excited and try to test your limits.. This will make you go 2 steps forward 10 steps back, and you don't want that. You'll play with her, properly when the time is right..

Also, spaying her will give you two the chance to spend some time together.. She will be under a recovering process and won't have the strength to attack or act out.. And YOU will be the one who will take care of her and ease her discomfort.. It might be a good time for you to show her some TLC and for her to see that..

I have faith that you'll nail this down. I am so sorry that this has caused problems with you and your BF, but I'm sure it's temporary and will go away. You guys need to work together to make this happen. I'm sure you will make a great team 

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Sounds to me like you have some territorial insecurities along with other stressors.  She's lost her best bud, moved, and had a total stranger thrown in her already-new-and threatening territory.  She may be a timid kitty who would have done better as an only child, but it can get better.

If part of this is territorial, I'd suggest one litter box, food dish and water bowl per cat, PLUS ONE.  Spread these out.  That will make sure that there is no guarding of resources, and both cats can eat, drink and tend to their personal business without stress.  IF the new cat is guarding the box, it's no wonder she's going elsewhere.

And do get her spayed ASAP.  Raging hormones are not going to help a thing.

Give her time.  And I second everything that everyone else has suggested. 

 

[grizzlysapien]

 
So here is a small update.

Betsy is still hiding in her cabinet, although not AS much.  Last night I cleaned my house really good, lit a candle and an incense (she seems to like the lotus scent by a brand called Maroma) and left some light classical music on. I was waiting on my couch for my tea to heat up and she walked in to the room, looking away at first and then saw me. Her reaction was priceless. She stared me down so I took the slow blink advice and looked at her, slowly blinked and looked away. I repeated that a few more times before grabbing my tea and leaving the room. Before I left I sat some treats on the ground, looked at her and said calmly, "see? Good kitty. Thank you for not hissing at me." And left. About 15 mins later She then jumped on my counter and knocked down and broke my favorite incense holder. I was mad... But I was calm. She ran into her cabinet hissing the entire time but I then said, "itsokay, you didn't mean it. I'm not mad."

She spent time today kinda staring at me in the living room and I just kinda ignored it. So far the blinking method is working. Now... My dog is coming over for a few days so my parents can go out of town.... Uh oh... Separate room time and continue to keep calm I guess?

You'll have to be calm and mean it. Don't be mad in the inside, but "mellow" on the outside, cause cats know exactly what's going on inside 

What I wrote above, about your time apart from one another, serves this purpose, as well.. It'll give you time to unwind, organize and become more determined to solve this once and for all. This way, you will keep your calm and you will mean it.. And she will see it. This will be progress..

Right now, you get a bit nervous.. you feel puzzled.. I know all those mixed feelings, believe me.. They will remain mixed if you don't spend some time apart..

Regarding the dog, I would suggest that Betsy gets the spare room.. Not the dog.. But that's my opinion. Maybe we should wait and see what the others have to say. 

 

 

[bailzcourt]

 
@bailzcourt  Hello and welcome!

I had a similar experiene with my cat. He is male.. And he wasn't neutered when he displayed this inexplicable behaviour..

I won't say much, cause the members who posted above are surely more experienced..

But I will give you the advice that the animal behaviorist gave me, when I hired him to train my little monster:

Betsy, will need some time away from you. If you have a spare room, it will be great. If you don't, try to confine her for a few days in a space inside your house/appartment where you won't enter everyday.

For as long as this will go on, try to have some regular "dates" with her 

 I don't know how to put it exactly.. I'll give you an example:

If you two (you + Betsy) haven't seen each other for, say, 2 days, try (on the 3rd day) to enter the space she is confined in and just sit there.. Don't try to play with her, or seek her attention. You will have to let her make the 1st move.. If she starts biting you or attacking you, look the other way and ignore her. If she continues to act out, leave the room.. Repeat again the next day.. You'll do that, until you reach to a point where you'll enter the room and 1. she is wandering around the room, doing her thing, without giving you much attention (this will mean that you pose no threat to her), and/or 2. she approaches you and asks you to pet her..

We did this and it worked. The circumstances were different and the case was far worse.. But it worked.

You might have noticed that I didn't suggest you play with her, during your "sessions".. Don't play with her, at first. Playing wakes up a multitude of insticts and they might lead her to get over-excited and try to test your limits.. This will make you go 2 steps forward 10 steps back, and you don't want that. You'll play with her, properly when the time is right..

Also, spaying her will give you two the chance to spend some time together.. She will be under a recovering process and won't have the strength to attack or act out.. And YOU will be the one who will take care of her and ease her discomfort.. It might be a good time for you to show her some TLC and for her to see that..

I have faith that you'll nail this down. I am so sorry that this has caused problems with you and your BF, but I'm sure it's temporary and will go away. You guys need to work together to make this happen. I'm sure you will make a great team 

Oh man I'm sorry your case was far worse... But in a way it makes me feel better. Much of the advice you've given, I'm currently doing. I refuse to play w her right now because as I said, she's a walking chainsaw. But... The breaking her stare/blinking thing is working.  This will be slow but thanks to this thread I've already calmed down a lot, which in itself is helping the situation... I had no idea I was THAT stressed! and yes. Spaying is next on the list.

 

[bailzcourt]

And.... YES of course she will get the spare room. My dog will be in here with me!

 

[bailzcourt]

 
Sounds to me like you have some territorial insecurities along with other stressors.  She's lost her best bud, moved, and had a total stranger thrown in her already-new-and threatening territory.  She may be a timid kitty who would have done better as an only child, but it can get better.

If part of this is territorial, I'd suggest one litter box, food dish and water bowl per cat, PLUS ONE.  Spread these out.  That will make sure that there is no guarding of resources, and both cats can eat, drink and tend to their personal business without stress.  IF the new cat is guarding the box, it's no wonder she's going elsewhere.

And do get her spayed ASAP.  Raging hormones are not going to help a thing.

Give her time.  And I second everything that everyone else has suggested. 

This is great advice. We are already on all of it but a third litter box is great. And our newbie cat... Well just call him newbie... Hes SUPER docile. He knows her warnings and walks off, knows where his litter box and food is, and won't go anywhere near hers. I feel like she will respect him because of it, as she is being observant of him and giving little warnings when he gets too close to her. So far were taking every step in the introduction process and its working well. It's just me that is her problem, one I will nip in the bud

 

[bailzcourt]

Omg... She's being calm again! She saw me just now and started to hide, but I went to feed her and talked to her like she was a small human "what do you want for dinner? Chicken? Turkey.... Salmon....chicken.... I guess chicken" she came out and looked at me like "what are you doing?" I mixed her food with uti food and put it down for her and she walked out and kind of around me... Looked at me (not stared me down just looked at me) and I said "there is your food kitty." She went toward the closet and sat in front of it for a minute, and I calmly said "i need to open the door to put your food back... I'm safe kitty. I just need to put your food back." And she slowly walked away, non threatening. I was so happy that I put treats down, looked at her and broke her gaze by blinking slowly again. As she was eating the treats I was like "yaaay! Such a good kitty! Thanks for being nice to me!" And walked out. She's doing less hiding and coming out more when I have food or am just sitting there. Lots of progress in 24 hours, because of all of your advice. Thank you guys so much!! [emoji]128513[/emoji][emoji]128513[/emoji][emoji]128513[/emoji][emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]128062[/emoji][emoji]128049[/emoji][emoji]128049[/emoji][emoji]128049[/emoji]

 

[Columbine]

Fantastic news Definitely proves that calmness and patience will win the battle! :high5:

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I'm so very happy that she's beginning to adjust to her new environment..  I'll bet you are friends again in no time.  Cats are such creatures of habit.  Honestly, Hekitty sometimes won't have anything to do with me for a day or two if I move a piece of furniture.