Not grieving hard enough, why?

[myrlien]

I had to put my cat to sleep a few days ago. The day of and the day after, were devastating. Now I'm almost okay, it feels too easy?

She was very old when she passed and had CKD, and a lot of other issues. The passing itself was traumatic. It was horrible, it didn't look like the peaceful passing that I wanted for her, but I believe she didn't feel the bad parts. I read ahead of time that some things can happen (convulsions and things like that) and that they don't feel it, but I will talk to our vet about what I saw. The vet who did the home euthanasia was not our usual vet and it felt kind of rushed. I had it done as an emergency, called them and they came same day. And at some points, I didn't say anything at the time, but he could have been more gentle with her. Like when she was sedated and he was tying the thing around her leg to put the needle in, the back of his hand accidentally smacked her on the head. And when it was over, I was coming back to fill out a form after washing my hands, and I could hear her body hit the bottom of the carrier when he put her there.

I prepared months in advance, anti-nausea and gabapentin ready, and a plan. I thought a lot about being objective and not dragging it out when it was time, so that she didn't suffer needlessly. There was a lot of anticipatory grief, not just in the final months but for several years, with terminal diagnosis and all the issues that came up along the way. I couldn't imagine a world after her. At the end I think I did everything right and made the call at the right time, not early not late. And I gave her a good peaceful life for the part of it she lived with me, never yelled at her or anything like that, so I don't have those kinds of regrets (except I wish I kept the home cleaner so that she lived in a clean place... but nothing about the way I treated her, it was always with love).

When she was gone I was very clinical about things. Took melatonin to get sleep to help my brain process the trauma. The day of I didn't eat, but the day after I made food for several days. Cleaned a lot and kept my mind busy. I cried a lot on the day of and the day after, now I still cry some but I don't feel the grief as deeply as I thought I would. I even walked around my apartment thinking of how I would arrange it for fostering.

I'm just really confused about my reaction and why I'm not feeling more, and guilty for not feeling more. It can't possibly be that I didn't love her enough. I loved her very much, she was my best friend and baby. So I don't know why I'm not more devastated right now. Maybe it's some kind of trauma response to the euthanasia, I don't know. Has anyone else experienced this? I was googling but most pet loss articles describe grief a lot harder than this.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

Don't beat yourself up about how you're reacting to this. We can't direct our emotions. My guess is that prolonged anticipatory grief pretty much drains one. I've felt this reaction (or lack of it) when beloved cats have had to be euthanised, too. Three years ago Maddie, who was only thirteen, became ill very suddenly. The vets misdiagnosed it as IBD, then picked up that it was cancer and palliative care was all that was left - and she didn't get long on that, because trying to get her to take medicine was a huge battle every time, and she would vomit it up. It wasn't very long before I decided to end it for her.

There'd been so much stress and worry and grief for her leading up to this that no, I didn't grieve hard or for long when she'd passed. Partly this was because Phoebe was crying a lot and obviously lonely (they weren't a bonded pair, far from it - Mads didn't even like Phoebe much!). It was less than a week after Maddie's passing that I adopted Daisy. I didn't feel instant love for her (it took a while to develop) but the whole introduction business and getting to know a new cat absorbs so much attention.

You did everything you could for your darling, and whatever the reason it hasn't hit you as hard as you would expect, you have no cause for guilt.

 

[Kris107]

Grief is never a one-size-fits all sort of thing. I think what stood out from your post is

I prepared months in advance

Sometimes you grieve a lot ahead of the actual passing. It's called anticipatory grief. I had a cat who had be on a long decline for quite some time and it was hard. After she passed though I knew she was finally resting, didn't have to fight anything and felt a lot of similar things you did. Sometimes it's just like that. I still love her so much, think about her and miss her, but I didn't grieve super deeply or for a long time. I've had others who have been harder for sure. So, I guess what I'm saying is - just let your love and grief be what it is and don't judge it (we're so good at judging ourselves!). You knew your love and relationship with you baby. Our babies would always want us to live more and love more, so you just do that!

 

[annabee]

My grief varies far and wide. There are so many factors from situation to situation. I'd imagine this is the case for everyone, including you. And grief never looks the same (in my experience), case-by-case.

"Not grieving hard enough"--impossible. You're grieving as hard as you need to. As long as you allow yourself to grief (because that should never be pushed down) and you're not hurting anyone (including yourself), you're grieving just fine.

"I prepared months in advance, anti-nausea and gabapentin ready, and a plan." Your grieving process began months ago. " There was a lot of anticipatory grief, not just in the final months but for several years, with terminal diagnosis and all the issues that came up along the way." Wow! See, this plays such a huge role, as well. It doesn't mean you can't grieve for months on after death, but this entire journey has been a sort of grieving process for you.

There's no right way to grieve; it's a very personal process for you and you alone.

Rest in love to your sweet cat.

 

[myrlien]

Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad that this is not abnormal. A friend had described the first 4/5 days as extremely difficult, and the following months as hard but gradually getting easier. So far this isn't my experience. I think I needed to hear that this isn't wrong or abnormal.

As long as you allow yourself to grief (because that should never be pushed down) and you're not hurting anyone (including yourself), you're grieving just fine

There might be some suppression. I looked at a couple of her photos yesterday and didn't feel deep sadness but it was like a weight was on my chest that got heavier the longer I looked. But my emptions were pretty stable. So maybe I'm suppressing and it'll hit later.

 

[FeebysOwner]

FWIW, I never felt overwhelming long-term grief when I lost my first two cats - Tawny at 15 to FIP and Gracie at 12 to cancer. But they were both diagnosed with terminal, unrecoverable illnesses, and sometimes I think having those conditions somehow makes you grieve as you said - anticipatorily. They were both heart-wrenching, but in a different sort of way, knowing that I was going to lose them no matter what I did.

I am now dealing with Feeby, 19+yo, with a whole host of health issues, and for the most part, they too are pretty much terminal. She has been with me for so long that I worry about what it is going to be like when I have to let her go. I am almost hoping that the anticipatory grief I am currently feeling will somehow offset some of what I might experience at the time of her passing - and beyond.

 

[myrlien]

FWIW, I never felt overwhelming long-term grief when I lost my first two cats - Tawny at 15 to FIP and Gracie at 12 to cancer. But they were both diagnosed with terminal, unrecoverable illnesses, and sometimes I think having those conditions somehow makes you grieve as you said - anticipatorily. They were both heart-wrenching, but in a different sort of way, knowing that I was going to lose them no matter what I did.

I am now dealing with Feeby, 19+yo, with a whole host of health issues, and for the most part, they too are pretty much terminal. She has been with me for so long that I worry about what it is going to be like when I have to let her go. I am almost hoping that the anticipatory grief I am currently feeling will somehow offset some of what I might experience at the time of her passing - and beyond.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I got mine when she was 17 and in bad condition, and after the first vet visit she was diagnosed with CKD. When I first got her I thought she would maybe stay a few days or weeks, with how skinny and she was. But she bounced back and we had 5 more years together. So maybe I was preparing from the start and it kind of softened the blow.

I hope you have many more happy years with Feeby.

 

[Kris107]

That was kind of you to adopt a senior cat! That could also be part of it too - going into it knowing time would be limited.

 

[di and bob]

After being through MANY deaths, I found out there is no set pattern on how you grieve. My Chrissy was killed by a car, it was very traumatic, I fell apart, and i still grieve ten years later. Two senior cats I had were very much loved, but suffered so much at the end and I was actually relieved when they died, they went way too long. To see them finally at peace, to have no more suffering, was a balm for my soul. Every death is treated by people in different ways. If your little one was not young, and had several problems, i think our job is to just love them and be close by when they pass. That is what they want most. It sounds like you gave that sweet baby exactly what she wanted and that is why you are at peace. You may have a delayed reaction, but don't delve too deeply into her end, it is not what she would want.
My heart goes out to you for the loss in your life. Your bond of love is a strong one and her own path will always parallel your life's journey. Love is spiritual, so eternal. Giving comfort and love to another little one would complete her legacy of love. she would like nothing more. You are so lucky to have had her in your life, i salute you for giving her another chance in life and for the happiness she experienced because of you......RIP sweet girl. You will always be remembered, you will have a secure place in a loving heart fro eternity. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[allmykitties]

I am sorry for your loss.

There is no one true way to grieve. Every grief path is different, and there is no 'too little'.

 

[Caspers Human]

There is no one true way to grieve. Every grief path is different, and there is no 'too little'.

Here! Here! I agree!

Comparing your own feelings to what you THINK they should be often leads nowhere. Your feelings are yours and nobody else's. Nobody else can tell you how to feel and you shouldn't let your perception of how other people might think you should feel get in the way.

Feelings can also change, as well. One time, you might feel sad. Another time you might feel angry. The next, you might not feel anything at all. These cycles often repeat, ad-infinitum.

My father died when I was a teenager. He was an alcoholic and he was often abusive. When he first died, I felt nothing. When the funeral came, I cried. Shortly after the funeral, I got angry. I spent several years hating his guts for the way he acted. Nowadays, decades later, my feelings can range from recalling fond memories, to being angry at the abuse he laid on his family or feeling sad about his death.

Whether it be a family member, a friend or even a cat, our feelings about death are often the same.

You can't tell a person how they should feel about death and you shouldn't let other people tell you how to feel, either.

 

[Mighty Orange]

It is what it is. No proper way to grieve. Some are worse than others. Some delayed. Others take a lifetime.

 

[myrlien]

I just spoke to our vet (not the one who did the euthanasia) and they walked me through what we experienced. It wasn't ideal and they would have wanted to do things differently, but they said that my cat wouldn't have felt the convulsions, and that the twitching after the sedation was not from pain. Still absorbing this conversation but that was good to hear. I read that it can happen but I trust their words more than random articles online.

Also I found a rescue that takes on cats with medical issues, have special needs, or if they're at risk of euthanasia, cases like that... my cat would have fit right in. So I'll think about it and most likely will apply to foster, as long as my landlord is on board. My vet offered to be a reference. I learned a lot from caring from my cat so this would be her legacy.

I'm glad I reached out and not just stewed. Thanks for your reassurance.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

Also I found a rescue that takes on cats with medical issues, have special needs, or if they're at risk of euthanasia, cases like that... my cat would have fit right in. So I'll think about it and most likely will apply to foster, as long as my landlord is on board. My vet offered to be a reference. I learned a lot from caring from my cat so this would be her legacy.

That's a wonderful, generous thing to do.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Not only does each person grieve differently, each person tends to grieve each loss differently. There is no right way to grieve. And yes, anticipatory grief is a real thing, and in many cases, can mitigate the actual grief at the time. Added to that, there is sometimes a period of almost numbness, which is a thing the brain does to protect us. But in the end, you will grieve exactly as YOU are supposed to grieve for THIS loss. Do not let anyone tell you differently. And I applaud your decision to look into fostering another cat with special needs/end of life needs to honor your girl. She approves.

This is the Deepest Truth I know, that love never dies. It is purified and translated into Love, and continues on. You walked beside your girl up to the Gate between This Adventure and her Next Great Adventure, and sent your love with her to light her way. Now, from her home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you for five years of devotion, and she sends her Love back to you, to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[nurseangel]

I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in different ways. I tend to throw myself back into my life after something bad happens. I tend to be what I think of as a "before" griever. Sudden death is a bit different. I remember being in the delivery room after the emergency vet called at four in the morning to let us know that Garfield was dead and was very upset that he'd done CPR on him. I just hope he didn't feel that at the end. Anyway, when the baby was delivered, I cried and cried. I am sure the patient thought I was a nurse overwhelmed with great emotion. I think a birth is beautiful and was really happy for a healthy baby, but at the same time I had all these pent-up emotions that had to released. The next day, I felt better.