New Kitten, Grief, and Wanting Advice

[whittwhitt]

So I have an issue I would love some advice on if you guys don't mind. I'm currently struggling with what the right thing to do is and and if there even is a "right" thing, maybe it all just comes down to preference and how you're feeling.

*Also if this is the wrong thread please let me know, I wasn't sure where this question would fit in as it does deal with grief but also general cat advice*

So I lost my baby of 12 years to cancer in late July this year. I still think about him every day, and always at night before bed. I still cry sometimes, I remember for the first 2 months after I cried every single day. It hit me extremely hard as he was my best friend and he had been with me since I was a kid - we went through college together, my first apartment, my first airplane ride, me getting married, my first house... he was truly my best friend. Tearing up while typing this now, also if I happen upon a picture of him I start to bawl... so I still miss him terribly.

To my surprise, I happened upon a kitten that needed a home just a week after putting my baby to sleep. He looked exactly like my baby, and while dealing with immense grief, I thought that maybe this would be a good coping mechanism for me. I'd never been without a cat before, I've had them around my entire life, and life felt pretty empty with just a dog. I knew I wanted a new kitty but I wasn't sure on questions like, when is it the right time? When do you know? Is it insulting to my baby's memory to get a kitten so quickly after? But I decided to adopt him and it felt great.

So my dilemma now is that this kitten isn't necessarily working out for me? I've had him for 5 months now and there's not really a connection. Sometimes the whole look-alike thing backfires and it just makes me hurt, really, really badly. It's like seeing my baby again but not really... especially when he acts out or knocks things over, y'know typical kitten things that are going to happen, because my baby would never act like that. I was thinking, in getting a kitten (and I know everything won't be the exact same of course), that I could train him and raise him up to be just like my baby, and I'm sure that can still happen, but the whole energy in the house has changed and I'd just like it to be quiet again. In having an older cat, they have their 'routines', they love to sleep and sometimes cuddle, there's no worrying about them tearing things up or knocking plants over, they know your routine... we adopted an older dog instead of a puppy for this same reason. My husband is also very stressed dealing with the kitten during the day since he works from home, we like our quiet, lazy, cozy house.

So I'm not saying he's a terrible kitten (well sometimes ), but I just wish I had a lazy best friend again. My baby would always calm me down whenever I was around him, it was extremely therapeutic, and I don't have that anymore. So does anyone have advice for me? Been through a somewhat similar situation? I'm thinking there isn't a right or wrong here, it's just preference, but I still feel baeven thinking about rehoming our kitten and you could also get an older cat that isn't a good fit either, so I'm looking for guidance. I also feel like there should have been a connection so far and there's not much, then again I went through what I'm going to call the worst time of my life, so that very well could have left me pretty numb or scared of forming such a strong connection again.

 

[silent meowlook]

You have to do whatever is right for the kitten and you. I don't know how long you have had him or how old he is, but you must remember that once that kitten in out of your house and into another home, he is gone. Meaning you no longer have any control over what happens to him. He could be lost, let outside to untimely death or much worse. There is nothing you can do to prevent that no matter how well you screen the home or if you know the people. When he is gone, he is gone. I say this from experience.

I will tell you a personal story that maybe might help or not.

I had a horse. The best horse in the world. She was beautiful and kind and intelligent and made me a good person. She was brave, and did tricks. She would come running when she saw me. I could ride her with only a halter on. She was perfect in every way. She was safe. It didn't start out that way but after years of learning each other she and I were great.

I had to euthanize her after a lengthy illness and an injury that couldn't be repaired. She was 26 years old. There aren't words to describe how I felt. But I am sure you understand.

Not a week later I somehow got stuck with this beast. He was the opposite of her. He was crude, and stubborn and not in a cute way. I was only supposed to be helping him get sold because as spoiled and dangerous as he was, the kill buyers would be the only one that would want him. Anyway, here I was stuck with this spoiled untrained bastard of a horse that I couldn't stand. I didn't bond with him at all and found myself wanting to cry when around him because he was nothing like her. He was the same color. That is where it all ended. Horse blankets cost around $150.00 plus, fly masks cost $30.00 plus. My mare always wore her clothes well and never even got them dirty. This jerk was destroying everything. My mare was clean, this pig pen was filthy every day. I never fell off my mare. This beast full on did a bucking bronco imitation and I ate dirt hard. He would try to bite and kick. Just a stupid jerk. But I didn't want him to die so I kept him. I still have him. Its been 2 years. He is ungodly expensive and is currently recovering from an injury that will take about a year to recover from. Just yesterday I went to the barn and he has a cut in his leg. So, another vet bill and more work for me.

Anyway, I think you get the idea. I still have him. I like him now. Maybe more. It is hard to say. He has bonded to me and whinnies like a baby when he sees me. I will never bond with him like I did my mare. I do like him now and that is enough for now. I keep him because I couldn't live with myself if I rehomed him and something bad happened to him.

I don't know if this will help or not.

 

[solomonar]

I am very sorry for your loss. Being together so much time is a gift, not many people have such a furry buddy.
Every Creature has a Beginning and an End.

===
Every cat has a distinct personality, and kittenhood is well different from senior age.
Our life perception also changes with the age: we trend to remember the pleasant events and forget the others.
To re-create the past in the same way we remember - we all wish that, but it is possible in our imagination only. Past has goods and bads. Sometime our mind involuntarily correct the memories to match our wishes. What we remember is sometime not what happens.

===

But lets think to the cat's perspective. Is your new kitten aware about the other cat in your life? Is he/she happy with you? Is he/she responsible for not being as we expect he/she to be? You discussed about your feelings, but what about kitten ones?

===

Lets thing now in terms of prospects. The new furbaby has a particular behavior today. He/she is young, curious and wants to explore. A period of 6 months is not to much for a cat to learn a new environment and to understand a human companion. Think about families, how much time needs a new pair to learn each other? 6 months? 12? I bet it is even more. And they are of the same species :-)).

Should the new baby go on the same path as the former Cat? Think to the brothers: are they obliged to follow the same path in life just because they have the same mother and the same father? Sometimes they are similar, but many times they are not, but they still love each other and their families loves them (applies to the sisters as well).

===
Lets think now in practical terms. Do you need a cat? I guess you do, since you brought home the kitten. So, what type o cat do you really need?

One to comfort you, if I got you well. But what does it mean, to comfort you? To sit on your lap and purr?

Ask yourself: Do I really need such a cat? What about a dynamic one, to challenge my brain and to make me smile? Remember that even from age of 40-50, humans need a broad range of brain challenges to prevent dementia. And this is not a joke! The more brain paths one activates, the less the risk of dementia.

My cat also breaks my worktime. However, for me this is a good thing, because it prevents me to immerse myself to much in my work, which would be extremely bad for the psychic health. So he does a very good job, even better than my doctors ! :-)).

 

[whittwhitt]

You have to do whatever is right for the kitten and you. I don't know how long you have had him or how old he is, but you must remember that once that kitten in out of your house and into another home, he is gone. Meaning you no longer have any control over what happens to him. He could be lost, let outside to untimely death or much worse. There is nothing you can do to prevent that no matter how well you screen the home or if you know the people. When he is gone, he is gone. I say this from experience.

I will tell you a personal story that maybe might help or not.

I had a horse. The best horse in the world. She was beautiful and kind and intelligent and made me a good person. She was brave, and did tricks. She would come running when she saw me. I could ride her with only a halter on. She was perfect in every way. She was safe. It didn't start out that way but after years of learning each other she and I were great.

I had to euthanize her after a lengthy illness and an injury that couldn't be repaired. She was 26 years old. There aren't words to describe how I felt. But I am sure you understand.

Not a week later I somehow got stuck with this beast. He was the opposite of her. He was crude, and stubborn and not in a cute way. I was only supposed to be helping him get sold because as spoiled and dangerous as he was, the kill buyers would be the only one that would want him. Anyway, here I was stuck with this spoiled untrained bastard of a horse that I couldn't stand. I didn't bond with him at all and found myself wanting to cry when around him because he was nothing like her. He was the same color. That is where it all ended. Horse blankets cost around $150.00 plus, fly masks cost $30.00 plus. My mare always wore her clothes well and never even got them dirty. This jerk was destroying everything. My mare was clean, this pig pen was filthy every day. I never fell off my mare. This beast full on did a bucking bronco imitation and I ate dirt hard. He would try to bite and kick. Just a stupid jerk. But I didn't want him to die so I kept him. I still have him. Its been 2 years. He is ungodly expensive and is currently recovering from an injury that will take about a year to recover from. Just yesterday I went to the barn and he has a cut in his leg. So, another vet bill and more work for me.

Anyway, I think you get the idea. I still have him. I like him now. Maybe more. It is hard to say. He has bonded to me and whinnies like a baby when he sees me. I will never bond with him like I did my mare. I do like him now and that is enough for now. I keep him because I couldn't live with myself if I rehomed him and something bad happened to him.

I don't know if this will help or not.

Oh wow, so you definitely went through a similar situation. Sorry for your loss. So I've had him for about 5, going on 6 months now. He's around 8 months old. I feel like the good home/bad home thing goes both ways - he could end up in a bad home or he could go somewhere where he is loved just as much, if not more, and maybe even to someone better off financially. I know I felt extreme guilt when I put my baby to sleep because I couldn't afford the treatments. I had doubts for awhile that I was even 'worthy' to adopt again. My sister talked me out of thinking like that though and told me that my baby was loved unconditionally, and I deserved to love another cat and not to think like that.

 

[whittwhitt]

I am very sorry for your loss. Being together so much time is a gift, not many people have such a furry buddy.
Every Creature has a Beginning and an End.

===
Every cat has a distinct personality, and kittenhood is well different from senior age.
Our life perception also changes with the age: we trend to remember the pleasant events and forget the others.
To re-create the past in the same way we remember - we all wish that, but it is possible in our imagination only. Past has goods and bads. Sometime our mind involuntarily correct the memories to match our wishes. What we remember is sometime not what happens.

===

But lets think to the cat's perspective. Is your new kitten aware about the other cat in your life? Is he/she happy with you? Is he/she responsible for not being as we expect he/she to be? You discussed about your feelings, but what about kitten ones?

===

Lets thing now in terms of prospects. The new furbaby has a particular behavior today. He/she is young, curious and wants to explore. A period of 6 months is not to much for a cat to learn a new environment and to understand a human companion. Think about families, how much time needs a new pair to learn each other? 6 months? 12? I bet it is even more. And they are of the same species :-)).

Should the new baby go on the same path as the former Cat? Think to the brothers: are they obliged to follow the same path in life just because they have the same mother and the same father? Sometimes they are similar, but many times they are not, but they still love each other and their families loves them (applies to the sisters as well).

===
Lets think now in practical terms. Do you need a cat? I guess you do, since you brought home the kitten. So, what type o cat do you really need?

One to comfort you, if I got you well. But what does it mean, to comfort you? To sit on your lap and purr?

Ask yourself: Do I really need such a cat? What about a dynamic one, to challenge my brain and to make me smile? Remember that even from age of 40-50, humans need a broad range of brain challenges to prevent dementia. And this is not a joke! The more brain paths one activates, the less the risk of dementia.

My cat also breaks my worktime. However, for me this is a good thing, because it prevents me to immerse myself to much in my work, which would be extremely bad for the psychic health. So he does a very good job, even better than my doctors ! :-)).

For me personally, I definitely need the stress relief that my previous baby brought me. I found that whenever I had a bad day or was stressed about anything at all, I could find him and he would calm me down. Work is very hectic and stressful, so when I'm home I like the quiet and peace, so sitting in my lap and purring would be amazing while I'm watching tv or working from home. I have enough outside stress in my life to help with keeping my brain active!

 

[di and bob]

I know exactly what you are going through, it took me years to get to a place where I could live with myself and those around me. I resented my remaining little ones just for being alive. I resented EVERYONE, including me, for being alive and having any enjoyment at all in a world, that for me, had stood still. I now try to empathize with others for their losses and found that giving what comfort I could actually brought comfort to me too. It took me finally realizing my Chrissy was horrified to know how I was spending my remaining life, in tears and grief so deep I couldn't get out. She loved life so much, and we shared a love so deep, she would want for me to go forward into my future and seek life's beauty and happiness. Life is too precious to spend it in sadness. Tommie would never want for you to be so sad because of him, he loves you too much. Live your life as you would want him to live if you were the first to go.
The bond of love you share was built over years of happiness and enjoyment. Nothing can ever take that away from you, not even death is strong enough to break that bond. Love is spiritual, so eternal. Like a broken bone, a broken heart needs two things before healing can happen, proper attention and sufficient time. People do not enjoy pain, and this is hurting and is going to hurt a lot. Worse, others don't understand your pain because it is not THEIR love, their pain. Your love is unique, special, and one of a kind. No one can offer you a detour around pain. As you are finding out the only way past it is through it.
I have found keeping busy helps, it keeps the pain at bay for a moment, but it comes screaming back at quiet times and especially anniversaries. After my little girl was buried I cried when it snowed the first time, she hated being cold so much.....but after a few years passed, I remembered how much she loved jumping into snowbanks and plowing through drifts. It helps to try to remember the good, not the sad past.
Although intense emotions will assault you for a long time, grief itself is not a feeling. It is a process, a very slow journey toward acceptance and peace. It is a long letting go of soemone who was so important to your life, and all these feelings sap your ability to function, your ability to live, and love, again. Don't let grief take over your life. A tomorrow is guaranteed for no one. No one is perfect either, and decisions made under stress and grief are often not the right ones, sometimes they seem to be the only ones. It is not until we are thinking more clearly that we begin to doubt ourselves when all the should haves, could haves come crowding in.
As for that little one that entered your life so early on in your grief. He is unaware of your feelings, he is just trying his best to get you to love him, to get a home and a family. To me, him showing up, especially with looking like your Tommie, makes me think he was sent, it was ordained, he is a special little angel that is a gift to you for all your love and devotion from Tommie. Of course, he's not Tommie, but he could be sent because Tommie taught you what a cat's love could be and wants for you to have it in your life once more. Do not expect calm and laziness from a kitten, a kitten will always be a whirlwind of activity and need. Find that in a quiet walk, a good book in a quiet place, enjoying quiet time with your husband. With the kitten, just accept what he is offering, something that Tommy gave you, one of life's most precious gifts, a cat's love. Don't expect love to just happen, even acceptance. Just let it build, that will come in time. you can't command love, any more than you can command peace. Know that the new kittens' love will reside right next to Tommie's, never replacing, building upon and even making that love stronger. It will come in time, I know it will, and right now the care and the attention a kitten needs is something you may need too, to start on that path to healing. Routine brings its own comfort. Kittens grow up, in a year that little whirlwind will calm down and become the cat you want. Right now concentrate on yourself, doing something that makes you feel better about yourself, maybe comforting someone else who lost their little one, just by acknowledging their pain. Give a small donation to your local humane society, and do it in your tommie's name.
My thought and prayers are with you all. I pray for you to find the strength to get through this, to accept that new kitten as a family member, an angel sent from above, and most of all for you to find the strength to open your heart again. Remember, Tommie's love is with you now, it will be forever as close as you thoughts and prayers. Life IS wonderful, you just have to start living again.......RIP beautiful Tommie. You will be dearly missed, you will forever have secure places in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[strider rose]

im sorry for your loss and hope that things get better soon with your new kitten

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I adopted Mooch and Noodles when DH and I were still a young married couple. My last childhood cat passed away 3 weeks after he and I got married and my soul-kitty passed while he and I were dating. I was without a cat for almost 2 years and I missed them SO bad. DH would be gone for work for months at a time back then so I was alone in the house and I didn't always handle it well. (DH used to be allergic to cats; he had a negative test last year, but that was what kept us from adopting a cat earlier.)

My girls were the last 2 of their litter at the shelter so we adopted both. It was right before DH left for 4 months. Having 2 kittens and a job made that time much better. But I remember often thinking that I was looking forward to when it was that comfortable companionship again. The girls would get in my lap; but they were typical kittens too. We didn't "know" each other like that yet.

One thing that helped was realizing that it was just going to take TIME to get that. 3 months after my old cat passed my Mom fell in love with a little orange kitten at the shelter where she had a client doing a job shadow experience. I tagged along when she went back to adopt him and we fell in love with a 2 year old cat who had been surrendered. She was such a love bug! We brought her home 3 days later. So she was an adult cat, very affectionate and all that. But it still took time to get to that comfortable companionship with her too. It's helped me learn to look for the good in each season of life and to be intentional about not dwelling on the hard parts. Seasons change. I've taken that into parenthood with me and it's helped me get through the hard stages with my kids too. I just try to enjoy where I'm at. Noodles crossed The Bridge almost 2 years ago and Mooch is going on 17 in late February. So sometimes I have the thought that shes old and won't live forever. But that's just not productive or healthy thinking. I'm going to enjoy her as she is for as long as I have her. And someday we will open our home to young ones again and it won't be the same; but that's ok. It's a phase that passes. I'll get to know a new cat or two and learn to love them for who they are too.