- Joined
- Dec 31, 2014
- Messages
- 1
- Purraise
- 1
I am here to reach out. I guess I dont know what else to do. I feel like at the very least I can write everything out and get our story off my chest. This will be long, so thank you to anyone who reads the whole thing. I cant really talk about all this with my SO because I dont want to further upset him. My boyfriend of 3 years and I had to put one of our cats to sleep on Friday. We have 3 others and a dog, which is very helpful in the healing process. Mogwai, the deceased, was about 13-14 years old. We miss him very much and I know he is not suffering and time will make it easier. I have had many other pets pass away as I had lived on a farm as a child, but never a cat so far, and never a need to euthanize.
However, I feel so much guilt over making an active choice to end his life. Mogwai had always been overweight since I had known him and kind of had a "shorter" face. He had always had a heavier breathing noise and snored when he slept. Earlier this year I had switched him over to a weight control food. I never would have thought weight loss was a symptom of something else. He would beg for us to turn the bath tap on, he did this sometimes anyway, so just thought he was being more persistent with a behavior of his. A few months ago, his breathing seemed slightly more noisy, but so tiny of a change that I didn't think much of it. The downward spiral was so slow at first. Looking back I feel like I should have known, but his health seemed normal and he was always acting like himself. Now that it is too late I can see all the signs were there so clearly, but at the time I barely remember noticing them at all.
Then out of nowhere a rapid decline happened. A couple weeks ago his breathing was way noisier, very noticeably this time. His weight seemed to drop so fast, and we could feel his backbones. He would just be laying there sleeping, walking up the hall, being petted or anything small and he would have a loud snorting noise. That's when we noticed the lump in his neck. I made an appointment to the closest vet. He said the lump was right where his thyroid was, so did some bloodwork for hyperthyroid. He did mention the lump was massive for its location. But we had hope, we hoped so bad it was hyperthyroid so we could at least do something. Maybe get a couple more years with our furball? The vet said it was not something he would operate on, that it would be a very dangerous and unlikely surgery due to the location and our cat's age. He gave him a cortisone injection for inflammation and hopefully to start possibly shrinking the lump.
That night, Mogwai seemed noticeably more comfortable. He was more active, his breathing was way better. I felt like the steroid gave us a false hope. The next day the vet called me with the news - it was not hyperthyroid. It was just an unknown mass. Most likely malignant. Over the weekend the symptoms reared their ugly head again. He probably had cancer. He gave me oral steroids to try to help (prednisone). We only got a couple pills down within two days. They did not seem to be helping and he got very upset for this. He could barely eat at this point. We tried wet food the previous week, but now it would just make him cough and gag and throw up because of the mass being so obstructive. He was drooling blood. His tongue was purple.
We knew he was in his last days. It was just waiting to either take him to his final vet trip ever, or waking up to finding he had passed on. That's how we hoped it would be. But this was unrealistic. He would not die of his illness peacefully. Friday, on December 26th, my boyfriend made the appointment. Mogwai had so much trouble breathing, he could barely take a couple bites of food before going into a dry-heaving, drooling fit. The vet we had been seeing said they closed at noon and there was nothing they could do. So we had to go to a different vet. I rushed home from work. Barely 15 minutes and went over. He was never a cat afraid of car rides, so my BF let him wander around my truck cab while I drove. Mogwai was alert. He looked out the window, and watched everything go by. Then we got there. I didn't know what to expect. We hugged our baby and the tears started flowing. Then we went in. I signed the papers. A paper authorizing me to euthanize our beloved cat. My hand shook and I reluctantly signed my cat to his death. I had one more glimmer of false hope, perhaps the new vet would examine Mogwai first and tell us it was miraculously something that could be cured! I felt stupid for thinking such a thing. Our vet was Jamaican I think. Nice guy I guess but not the best with what I would consider comforting. I almost needed to hear some fake condolences from a vet at this point. But he did not.
No one was in there but us. It was so quiet. The vet just came in and asked how long he had been breathing that way, but not much else. He came right in and gave Mogwai a sedative. We held him on the table while the vet and tech prepped everything. We only had minutes for the sedative to kick in and we just petted him until he layed his head down. Then the vet came in (he did explain everything his was doing and what to expect while he was doing it), he shaved our cats arm and put the catheter in. Then he put the needle in. He asked us if we were ready. Everything inside of me screamed to say no, that we couldn't go through with it. But we said yes. In seconds it was over. I watched the life drain from his eyes. That was it. Our baby was gone forever.
Then the vet said words that echo through my mind. I know it was just a cultural difference, or at least I hope. But asked if the other vet took xrays or anything. Was he suggesting that not everything that could have been done actually wasn't? After it was too late? I think I am just being overly sensitive and that's not what he was implying. Then he proceeded to poke around in our deceased cats mouth a tongue depressor right in front of us. I know he just wanted to see, I kind of did to. But not sure if it was the most appropriate thing to do. He said the discoloration of the tongue was a bad sign and we did the right thing, that it would have been cruel to let it go on any longer.
Then we left with our cats body. (chose to do a home burial). I went right home and cried and cried while my BF dug Mogwai's grave. Now its time to cherish our remaining pets. But I feel so bad for what we did. There are key points in this story that made me second guess it. But its too late to change my mind. If anything, I will be taking my others in for check-ups more and hopefully will be more in-tune with any changes in health or behavior.
Thank you so much to whoever reads/responds. Like I said, I know its long but I had to get it out. Even if its on the internet with people I do not know.
However, I feel so much guilt over making an active choice to end his life. Mogwai had always been overweight since I had known him and kind of had a "shorter" face. He had always had a heavier breathing noise and snored when he slept. Earlier this year I had switched him over to a weight control food. I never would have thought weight loss was a symptom of something else. He would beg for us to turn the bath tap on, he did this sometimes anyway, so just thought he was being more persistent with a behavior of his. A few months ago, his breathing seemed slightly more noisy, but so tiny of a change that I didn't think much of it. The downward spiral was so slow at first. Looking back I feel like I should have known, but his health seemed normal and he was always acting like himself. Now that it is too late I can see all the signs were there so clearly, but at the time I barely remember noticing them at all.
Then out of nowhere a rapid decline happened. A couple weeks ago his breathing was way noisier, very noticeably this time. His weight seemed to drop so fast, and we could feel his backbones. He would just be laying there sleeping, walking up the hall, being petted or anything small and he would have a loud snorting noise. That's when we noticed the lump in his neck. I made an appointment to the closest vet. He said the lump was right where his thyroid was, so did some bloodwork for hyperthyroid. He did mention the lump was massive for its location. But we had hope, we hoped so bad it was hyperthyroid so we could at least do something. Maybe get a couple more years with our furball? The vet said it was not something he would operate on, that it would be a very dangerous and unlikely surgery due to the location and our cat's age. He gave him a cortisone injection for inflammation and hopefully to start possibly shrinking the lump.
That night, Mogwai seemed noticeably more comfortable. He was more active, his breathing was way better. I felt like the steroid gave us a false hope. The next day the vet called me with the news - it was not hyperthyroid. It was just an unknown mass. Most likely malignant. Over the weekend the symptoms reared their ugly head again. He probably had cancer. He gave me oral steroids to try to help (prednisone). We only got a couple pills down within two days. They did not seem to be helping and he got very upset for this. He could barely eat at this point. We tried wet food the previous week, but now it would just make him cough and gag and throw up because of the mass being so obstructive. He was drooling blood. His tongue was purple.
We knew he was in his last days. It was just waiting to either take him to his final vet trip ever, or waking up to finding he had passed on. That's how we hoped it would be. But this was unrealistic. He would not die of his illness peacefully. Friday, on December 26th, my boyfriend made the appointment. Mogwai had so much trouble breathing, he could barely take a couple bites of food before going into a dry-heaving, drooling fit. The vet we had been seeing said they closed at noon and there was nothing they could do. So we had to go to a different vet. I rushed home from work. Barely 15 minutes and went over. He was never a cat afraid of car rides, so my BF let him wander around my truck cab while I drove. Mogwai was alert. He looked out the window, and watched everything go by. Then we got there. I didn't know what to expect. We hugged our baby and the tears started flowing. Then we went in. I signed the papers. A paper authorizing me to euthanize our beloved cat. My hand shook and I reluctantly signed my cat to his death. I had one more glimmer of false hope, perhaps the new vet would examine Mogwai first and tell us it was miraculously something that could be cured! I felt stupid for thinking such a thing. Our vet was Jamaican I think. Nice guy I guess but not the best with what I would consider comforting. I almost needed to hear some fake condolences from a vet at this point. But he did not.
No one was in there but us. It was so quiet. The vet just came in and asked how long he had been breathing that way, but not much else. He came right in and gave Mogwai a sedative. We held him on the table while the vet and tech prepped everything. We only had minutes for the sedative to kick in and we just petted him until he layed his head down. Then the vet came in (he did explain everything his was doing and what to expect while he was doing it), he shaved our cats arm and put the catheter in. Then he put the needle in. He asked us if we were ready. Everything inside of me screamed to say no, that we couldn't go through with it. But we said yes. In seconds it was over. I watched the life drain from his eyes. That was it. Our baby was gone forever.
Then the vet said words that echo through my mind. I know it was just a cultural difference, or at least I hope. But asked if the other vet took xrays or anything. Was he suggesting that not everything that could have been done actually wasn't? After it was too late? I think I am just being overly sensitive and that's not what he was implying. Then he proceeded to poke around in our deceased cats mouth a tongue depressor right in front of us. I know he just wanted to see, I kind of did to. But not sure if it was the most appropriate thing to do. He said the discoloration of the tongue was a bad sign and we did the right thing, that it would have been cruel to let it go on any longer.
Then we left with our cats body. (chose to do a home burial). I went right home and cried and cried while my BF dug Mogwai's grave. Now its time to cherish our remaining pets. But I feel so bad for what we did. There are key points in this story that made me second guess it. But its too late to change my mind. If anything, I will be taking my others in for check-ups more and hopefully will be more in-tune with any changes in health or behavior.
Thank you so much to whoever reads/responds. Like I said, I know its long but I had to get it out. Even if its on the internet with people I do not know.