I'm a pretty private person and don't typically share like this over the internet, but I really need to get some stuff out of my head. I warn in advance this will probably be long and a little incoherent, but I would really appreciate it if some folks here took the time to read it, especially if you can relate.
A little background on me: I'm a really quiet person. I don't like the term shy, because that to me has a negative connotation. I am quiet in that I don't talk much, especially in group situations. I can talk your ear off in a one-on-one situation (as long as I have something to talk about...or you're someone I know really well), but when there is a group (even 3 or more) people, it's like I just would rather listen than talk. If I have something I feel is important to say, I'll say it. But, I just don't need to talk that much. And I really don't do well in group situations, or when I'm put on the spot by someone (and I don't do small talk well). I have been like this my whole life. I was a quiet kid who got along with everyone, but never really felt I had a place. Here and there, I would find someone I would really "click" with and that is all I needed. I remember going to "parties" when I was in the middle school grades and I would seriously hide in the bathroom and cry. I just didn't handle the group dynamic well and always felt out of place. I would say that I was probably clinically depressed from Grade 7-9. Finally, in Grade 10, I found a group of girls who I felt I fit with, and didn't struggle so much socially. However, when I went away for university, I had a hard time again (not good at meeting new people and I'm not someone who makes an impression). It passed, I made a great group of friends....although I always had periods, even with my closest friends, where I felt I didn't quite fit (depression/spiral thinking was a part of that).
Flash forward a few years. I live with my boyfriend, have two cats, spend time with my family, and am pretty happy in that regard. I thought all this awkward forced-social stuff was over. I was wrong. I am a teacher. I'm not sure what teaching is like in other areas, but here, it is VERY hard to get a full-time teaching job. I have been covering maternity/sick leaves for 3 years now, which is pretty normal around here. I've spent most of those 3 years teaching at my current school, and like the school a lot. I like the people I work with for the most part, love the students, and like that I know where I'm going and who everyone is (including most of the students' names).
However, as comfortable as I am, I am still me. I am still quiet, and I go to school to teach, not to socialize. I have a great relationship with my grade partners (Kindergarten teacher), a friendly relationship with other teachers I see regularly, and a casual relationship with people I mainly see in passing (exchange the regular pleasantries, but as I said, I'm not one for small talk and I'm usually quite busy during the day). I've worked at the school half-time (every other day), so I haven't had any real opportunities to coach any teams or run any clubs (difficult when you're not there everyday, and when you're supplying at other schools). This year, I have helped out with a few things, but things that are lower-profile and easily go unnoticed (which is fine with me). As a new teacher, I'm at the school to 6pm a lot of nights as it is.....it is more important to me that I be a good teacher IN the classroom....I would love to get involved in more extracurriculars, but not if it takes away from my teaching.
However, I'm finding that my quiet personality is really effecting my job opportunities. I go about my business, and am not one to "toot my own horn" about all the wonderful things that I do. I am confident that I do a good job in the classroom, and know that the colleagues I work closely with feel the same way. I enjoy working with the children, and they make good progress. But, I'm also not the type of person to go on and on about how cute the children are, how much I love them, how attached I am to them, etc. I am not a "rainbows and butterflies" type of person...I don't go ga-ga over babies in the mall. I may think things....but I just don't feel the need to put them into word....I couldn't even if I tried.
Continually, I see people with those social, "rainbows and butterflies" personalities be chosen for jobs, etc over me based not on their teaching abilities or qualifications, but on their personalities. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. People tell me that I need to "play the game" and be more "in your face" when it comes to principals/vice principals, but they might as well be telling me to grow a third arm. I can't change my personality - if I could have, I would have many years ago. I'm fine with who I am....but I wish principals/others would judge me based on my ability and knowledge, not the fact that I don't chit chat with people.
Sigh, I just wonder if I'll ever be able to be completely happy with my quiet personality. I'm fine with it as a person, but it feels like a handicap when I am forced into social situations that I would just prefer not to be in in the first place - or when people judge me about it.
The funny thing is....teachers love students like me...the quiet kids do what they are asked and don't cause anyone any grief...too bad they don't love when those kids grow up to be colleagues.
If you made it this far, thank you
. I'm not sure that I got everything out to make this completely clear, but it feels a bit better to at least get some of my thoughts out.
A little background on me: I'm a really quiet person. I don't like the term shy, because that to me has a negative connotation. I am quiet in that I don't talk much, especially in group situations. I can talk your ear off in a one-on-one situation (as long as I have something to talk about...or you're someone I know really well), but when there is a group (even 3 or more) people, it's like I just would rather listen than talk. If I have something I feel is important to say, I'll say it. But, I just don't need to talk that much. And I really don't do well in group situations, or when I'm put on the spot by someone (and I don't do small talk well). I have been like this my whole life. I was a quiet kid who got along with everyone, but never really felt I had a place. Here and there, I would find someone I would really "click" with and that is all I needed. I remember going to "parties" when I was in the middle school grades and I would seriously hide in the bathroom and cry. I just didn't handle the group dynamic well and always felt out of place. I would say that I was probably clinically depressed from Grade 7-9. Finally, in Grade 10, I found a group of girls who I felt I fit with, and didn't struggle so much socially. However, when I went away for university, I had a hard time again (not good at meeting new people and I'm not someone who makes an impression). It passed, I made a great group of friends....although I always had periods, even with my closest friends, where I felt I didn't quite fit (depression/spiral thinking was a part of that).
Flash forward a few years. I live with my boyfriend, have two cats, spend time with my family, and am pretty happy in that regard. I thought all this awkward forced-social stuff was over. I was wrong. I am a teacher. I'm not sure what teaching is like in other areas, but here, it is VERY hard to get a full-time teaching job. I have been covering maternity/sick leaves for 3 years now, which is pretty normal around here. I've spent most of those 3 years teaching at my current school, and like the school a lot. I like the people I work with for the most part, love the students, and like that I know where I'm going and who everyone is (including most of the students' names).
However, as comfortable as I am, I am still me. I am still quiet, and I go to school to teach, not to socialize. I have a great relationship with my grade partners (Kindergarten teacher), a friendly relationship with other teachers I see regularly, and a casual relationship with people I mainly see in passing (exchange the regular pleasantries, but as I said, I'm not one for small talk and I'm usually quite busy during the day). I've worked at the school half-time (every other day), so I haven't had any real opportunities to coach any teams or run any clubs (difficult when you're not there everyday, and when you're supplying at other schools). This year, I have helped out with a few things, but things that are lower-profile and easily go unnoticed (which is fine with me). As a new teacher, I'm at the school to 6pm a lot of nights as it is.....it is more important to me that I be a good teacher IN the classroom....I would love to get involved in more extracurriculars, but not if it takes away from my teaching.
However, I'm finding that my quiet personality is really effecting my job opportunities. I go about my business, and am not one to "toot my own horn" about all the wonderful things that I do. I am confident that I do a good job in the classroom, and know that the colleagues I work closely with feel the same way. I enjoy working with the children, and they make good progress. But, I'm also not the type of person to go on and on about how cute the children are, how much I love them, how attached I am to them, etc. I am not a "rainbows and butterflies" type of person...I don't go ga-ga over babies in the mall. I may think things....but I just don't feel the need to put them into word....I couldn't even if I tried.
Continually, I see people with those social, "rainbows and butterflies" personalities be chosen for jobs, etc over me based not on their teaching abilities or qualifications, but on their personalities. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. People tell me that I need to "play the game" and be more "in your face" when it comes to principals/vice principals, but they might as well be telling me to grow a third arm. I can't change my personality - if I could have, I would have many years ago. I'm fine with who I am....but I wish principals/others would judge me based on my ability and knowledge, not the fact that I don't chit chat with people.
Sigh, I just wonder if I'll ever be able to be completely happy with my quiet personality. I'm fine with it as a person, but it feels like a handicap when I am forced into social situations that I would just prefer not to be in in the first place - or when people judge me about it.
The funny thing is....teachers love students like me...the quiet kids do what they are asked and don't cause anyone any grief...too bad they don't love when those kids grow up to be colleagues.
If you made it this far, thank you