Need to get a few things off of my chest *Vent*

[ugaimes]

Lacey, I am so sorry you are going through this right now

. It is very true- many of us TCS-ers have been through this as well.
I am not going to offer advice only because this is YOUR relationship and only you know what is 100% right for you (though the answer may not seem clear at the moment).
I know you will make the right decision at the right time. Just remember- the right decision is not always the EASY decision.
I'm here for you though, whatever you do decide

.
Amy

 

[hannahj]

Something similar happened with a good friend of mine when her relationship fell apart. She had lived w/ her BF for three years, things were great between them, and then he started spending ALOT of time with a friend of his named Allison. Soon he was over there all the time, day and night. My friend claimed that nothing was going on between them, and that her BF told her that he was not attracted to Allison at all. My friend tried really hard to not let it bother her that he was spending all his time and energy on this friendship with another woman, but when he forgot her birthday and anniversary and started moving his musical equipment over to Allison's she had enough. She threw down the gauntlet: either stay with her, his girlfriend of three years, and come clean about his real feelings toward Allison or leave. He left.

Then he came back. Then he left. Then he came back. That went on for months until she had a nervous breakdown and had to go to a center for treatment. Then he left for good (I guess he thought she was damaged goods after he caused her breakdown). And the thing is, he's never ever come clean about his relationship with Allison--he has always been vague and indecisive about that. And my precious lovely friend lost her mental balance because of this guy's indecision and has never been the same since--it is impossible to reassure her now: she doesnt trust my friendship or even her family's love for her. She will find happiness someday, but he's so seriously undermined her confidence he has set her back YEARS.

Do not let yourself get to this point. Whatever you decide--whether you go to your parents or ask him to move and change the locks--make that decision and stick with it. You wont regret it.

 

[deb25]

Ugh. I am not going to repeat what so many others have said, except that he needs to get out of your life NOW!. Look at all you have ignored in your own life on his behalf. Your student teaching is the stepping stone to your career. I know it's hard to start over, but nobody deserves to be treated like this.

 

[carolcat]

Dear Lacy, either ask/kick him out or leave yourself. You are in an impossible situation and YOU will be the loser if you stay with him any longer. I know that you love him and want things to work out, but it takes TWO to make a relationship work and you are the ONLY ONE in it, he is just using you! He might have loved you in the past, but he is just using you now. The longer you stay the worse it is going to be for YOU, it doesn't affect him because he doesn't really care about you, just what he can USE you for! Be strong and brave and do the hard thing and END THIS NOW! In a shorter time than you imagine you will be SOOOOO happy that you did. Hugs and sending you lots of "strong woman" vibes.

 

[sofiecusion]

Scott has admitted to having "crushes" on two girls he works with (not that Katie girl) because he thought they were "cute", but then didn't like their personalities.

I still do a lot for him, not all because I'm being nice, but honestly the place would fall apart if I wasn't around! We have been fighting a lot less, but I still have a need for affection, and he provides almost none. Our lease is up in August. He has been confused for the past few months about whether or not we should continue living together. One day, he says he does, and if we even have one disagreement in a week, then he doesn't want to saying we fight too much. I asked him what he wanted out of this relationship and where he wanted things to go a few times, and he never answers me except to say he's deadset against marriage and that he "loves" me. He says he would miss Summer and me etc and seems to want a relationship with me and sleep over at each other's places if we do move apart. I know myself well enough to know that I would feel as if I were not good enough to live with if I continued to see him after we move apart. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with this after living together for so long? Do you think he will ever wake/ grow up?


Sorry for the long rant again. Thanks for all of your support. It means a lot to me.

 

[beckiboo]

Sofie, please go back to the beginning of this thread and read your original post, and every post after it. Think about what your friends are advising. Then do what you think is best.

Hugs to you and your kitty!
Becky

 

[sofiecusion]

I know but this is so hard! If I didn't clean up after him, this place would be a dump! I have tried pointing out these things that need to be done that he is oblivious to, but he keeps right on being oblivious. He has told me that he is even unaware that he needs to shave! I will miss him in the sense that he is company, but I will not miss his childish antics! The rest of the family think his mom babied him and his brother a lot after their dad died. They had absolutely no chores or responsibilities around the house growing up. His brother still lives at home, and Scott is VERY much dependent on me. I let his mother know in advance the road that might be ahead when the rude awakening of having his own place hits. He has received a job offer, but will not know when he's going to start. He thinks that we should live apart, and that he will probably decide in a few months that he really does want to live with me again anyway. What's the point of moving apart? I pointed out how leases are usually 1 year leases and stuff, but he doesn't seem to hear me when I say that. I do know that if we move apart, I want to be a reasonable distance away from him as he is so dependent on me.




I realize that I DO argue with him, like after I found out that he used MY car to take one of his guy friends to a greyhound bus station, but it was okay in his eyes because he put gas in it. He didn't see it as a big deal especially since we live togetherand said as always that I was blowing things out of proportion, but I would never think of taking his truck without asking. I gave him the hypothetical about me using his truck in the reverse situation, but it didn't work because he said that he wouldn't care. His excuse was that I was sleeping, and that he didn't ask because he knew I would say no. This made me livid, and I went in the other room before laying some real nasty words on him. A few minutes later he came in and told me I was right and that he should have asked. Truth be told, he never planned on telling me about taking my car, I found the map to the greyhound station in my car! He never wants to take me in his truck anywhere! It's always MY car! His excuse is that my car gets better gas milage than his truck, however, my car DOES have more than twice as many miles as his truck, and his truck is older! GRRRR...I'll stop with the vehicle rant now! LOL

 

[ricalynn]

OK Lacey I'm going to highlight a couple things for you:

RED FLAG #1:

whether or not we should continue living together. One day, he says he does, and if we even have one disagreement in a week, then he doesn't want to saying we fight too much

Indicates total immaturity on his part with regard to relationships. Couples fight, period. Couples who CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER work thru them. If he thinks once a week is too much and wants to cut and run, hold the door open for him, honey. You'll never regret it.

RED FLAG #2:

I asked him what he wanted out of this relationship and where he wanted things to go a few times, and he never answers me except to say he's deadset against marriage and that he "loves" me

Does he say he "loves" you any other time than when pressed? Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are SCREAMING "I don't respect you and I'll do anything and everything that I can get away with" Pardon the canned expression but it fits here - he ain't gonna buy the cow because he's gettin the milk for free!!! If YOU want to be married, you need to find someone eventually who believes in matrimony as much as you do. That's not something he will ever change his mind about, it's one of those things that you're raised to believe.

RED FLAG #3:

If I didn't clean up after him, this place would be a dump! I will not miss his childish antics! Scott is VERY much dependent on me

You are not his mother and you are not his maid. IF you were just roommates, he'd be a pretty lousy one at that, and the sex doesn't even begin to make up for this level of disrespect.

RED FLAG #4:

I gave him the hypothetical about me using his truck in the reverse situation, but it didn't work because he said that he wouldn't care.

Well of course he said that, he was trying to keep himself out of trouble!! How old is he???? TWO???

His excuse was that I was sleeping, and that he didn't ask because he knew I would say no. This made me livid, and I went in the other room before laying some real nasty words on him. A few minutes later he came in and told me I was right and that he should have asked. Truth be told, he never planned on telling me about taking my car, I found the map to the greyhound station in my car!

So he's lying to you? What does that tell you about when he says he "loves" you??

RED FLAG #5:

He thinks that we should live apart, and that he will probably decide in a few months that he really does want to live with me again anyway. What's the point of moving apart?

The POINT, my dear, as all of your faithful TCS friends have said so well already, is that you are not a doormat, and that's how badly he's using you. If he choses to move out, that's it, game over, so what if he decides later on he "really does want to live" with you? Tough dog-hockey, as my dad would say. By the time he decides that, if ever (and that's your mind trying to rationalize this relationship), you will be a little older and a LOT wiser, and will most likely have already found the MAN you're meant to be with, and he'll be SOL anyway.

Do you think he will ever wake/ grow up?

No. Lacey, we know it's hard - many of us have been in your situation, myself included, and we know the fear of being alone is very, very real. But your self-respect is taking a beating at the hands of this child-in-a-man's-body. Send him back to his momma when the lease is up in August, and see if she can figure out where she screwed up and fix it before he does it to someone else. My very best friend told me what I am about to tell you:

You do NOT have to put up with being treated this way. You deserve better.
We all believe that, and we are here for you.

 

[katachtig]

Lacey,

Right now, he is draining you. You are not getting what you need. Ultimately the decision is up to you, but I think that you need a break from him. As hard as it is, I think that in August, you find another place to live where you can concentrate on you and your little Summer. Build up your strength and love for yourself. He isn't going to change as long as you are there to take care of him.

Whoever said "all you need is love" wasn't doing anyone a favor. You also need respect and consideration of your feelings.

Good Luck.

Jana

 

[journey]

Rica lynn - that post ROCKED.

Lacey - Move on. Read the book "He's just not that into you". Realize that there is someone out there willing to make you his world, and this guy is treating you like crap.

Why wouldn't he want to be with you - you're letting him behave this way! He can do anything he wants, say anything he wants to you, leave, and then know you're going to be there when he decides to come back! He's got it made! He even straight up told you he's "against" marriage.

My theory is, you have to meet about 10-20 guys in order for 1-2 to be normal and a potential partner and not a complete wierdo. Move on - you have 19 more guys to meet! LOL.