Some of you may remember the trouble Dave and I have had with our 22 year old daughter, how she moved out without telling us she was leaving, moved in with a 16 year old neighbor right across the alley, told everyone in town that we kicked her out because we're racist (she's now living with her bf, who is of a different ethnicity). I haven't spoken to her since February. She waltzes into her Dad's place of business about once a month and says, "Hi Dad" as if nothing is wrong. She did that again the beginning of this week, but this time brought her bf with her. Dave told me said, "HI, how are you?" and just kept walking.
As you can imagine, the holidays are hard to handle. We don't talk about our daughter much, mainly because I know how much it upsets Dave. For some reason, she still seems to think that he is ok with everything that's happened, that I am the reason he doens't want anything to do with her. I guess it's easier for her to believe that; otherwise she'd have to admit that she'd broken his heart, too.
Lately, I've discovered that my Mom has been pushing our daughter into family situations, sending her to the home of one of my brothers when his daughter's family was in town, having her drop by to see another brother who was here for a visit. Apparently, she shows up and acts as if nothing has happened. A niece told me of one instance where our daugher came by their house because "Grandma told me to" and disrupted that family's last night to spend together. A nephew told Dave about another instance of her just showing up and hanging around all afternoon. My MIL told us that she's come by to ask for family pictures and Christmas decorations. (of course, she left a big box of decorations behind when she ran off; most of them were ornaments that said "Daughter", so I guess that's why she didn't take them)
I'm angry and I'm not really sure why. It seems as if our daughter is suddenly wanting to be part of our family again, as long as it doesn't include Dave and me.( My FIL won't let her bring her bf to his house, and so far she hasn't brought him to my family's homes, either.) I've told DH that he can have any kind of relationship with her that he might want, that I will do my best to understand and accept it. On the one hand, if I never saw her again I think it would be ok. On the other hand, it irritates me no end that she is initiating contact with other family members and acting as if she's (for lack of a better term) 'a member in good standing". I guess I expect others to be upset with her because of what's happened between her and DH and me. Logically, I know that's silly, but for some reason it's come down to a "her or me" mentality lately. I know, I know, that sounds stupid, but I feel as if I have no support from anyone at the moment. Well, except for my 2 best friends, who seem to be the only ones that understand how much I'm hurting and how angry I am about this whole situation.
I don't see a way to ever forgive her for what she's put us thru, especially the pain she's caused Dave. I'm a big girl and I can (usually) handle all this bs. I can have a good cry (like right now) and be done with it. But, that girl has broken her Dad's heart, and I wouldn't forgive anyone who hurt him that way. I don't see myself ever having a relationship with her again; the last time I talked to her, I could barely be civil. I've had to harden myself again her just to get thru this, and that is just not me. I'm the most emotional person you'll ever meet, I've had to distance myself as much as possible just to keep from curling up into a little ball and crying all day.
This child will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong; I have never heard the words "I'm sorry" or "I screwed up" come out of her mouth, and I'm confident I never will. I don't know that I can ever forgive her for her selfishness and irresponsibility, but I can't even begin to try until Dave and I both receive a heartfelt, believable apology. So, am I wrong? Do I tell myself "that's just the way she is" and try to make things right myself? Do I stick to my guns and wait for her to grow up and accept responsibility for her actions? Do I hunt her down and kick her rear end and tell her to stop being so stupid? I feel like an idiot---I don't want to see her, yet it hurts me that she's popping in on other family members. I guess I need reassurance that I'm handling this properly, or I need someone to tell me that I'm not. (one last thing, no one in my family has told me to forgive and forget)
As you can imagine, the holidays are hard to handle. We don't talk about our daughter much, mainly because I know how much it upsets Dave. For some reason, she still seems to think that he is ok with everything that's happened, that I am the reason he doens't want anything to do with her. I guess it's easier for her to believe that; otherwise she'd have to admit that she'd broken his heart, too.
Lately, I've discovered that my Mom has been pushing our daughter into family situations, sending her to the home of one of my brothers when his daughter's family was in town, having her drop by to see another brother who was here for a visit. Apparently, she shows up and acts as if nothing has happened. A niece told me of one instance where our daugher came by their house because "Grandma told me to" and disrupted that family's last night to spend together. A nephew told Dave about another instance of her just showing up and hanging around all afternoon. My MIL told us that she's come by to ask for family pictures and Christmas decorations. (of course, she left a big box of decorations behind when she ran off; most of them were ornaments that said "Daughter", so I guess that's why she didn't take them)
I'm angry and I'm not really sure why. It seems as if our daughter is suddenly wanting to be part of our family again, as long as it doesn't include Dave and me.( My FIL won't let her bring her bf to his house, and so far she hasn't brought him to my family's homes, either.) I've told DH that he can have any kind of relationship with her that he might want, that I will do my best to understand and accept it. On the one hand, if I never saw her again I think it would be ok. On the other hand, it irritates me no end that she is initiating contact with other family members and acting as if she's (for lack of a better term) 'a member in good standing". I guess I expect others to be upset with her because of what's happened between her and DH and me. Logically, I know that's silly, but for some reason it's come down to a "her or me" mentality lately. I know, I know, that sounds stupid, but I feel as if I have no support from anyone at the moment. Well, except for my 2 best friends, who seem to be the only ones that understand how much I'm hurting and how angry I am about this whole situation.
I don't see a way to ever forgive her for what she's put us thru, especially the pain she's caused Dave. I'm a big girl and I can (usually) handle all this bs. I can have a good cry (like right now) and be done with it. But, that girl has broken her Dad's heart, and I wouldn't forgive anyone who hurt him that way. I don't see myself ever having a relationship with her again; the last time I talked to her, I could barely be civil. I've had to harden myself again her just to get thru this, and that is just not me. I'm the most emotional person you'll ever meet, I've had to distance myself as much as possible just to keep from curling up into a little ball and crying all day.
This child will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong; I have never heard the words "I'm sorry" or "I screwed up" come out of her mouth, and I'm confident I never will. I don't know that I can ever forgive her for her selfishness and irresponsibility, but I can't even begin to try until Dave and I both receive a heartfelt, believable apology. So, am I wrong? Do I tell myself "that's just the way she is" and try to make things right myself? Do I stick to my guns and wait for her to grow up and accept responsibility for her actions? Do I hunt her down and kick her rear end and tell her to stop being so stupid? I feel like an idiot---I don't want to see her, yet it hurts me that she's popping in on other family members. I guess I need reassurance that I'm handling this properly, or I need someone to tell me that I'm not. (one last thing, no one in my family has told me to forgive and forget)