Need help..losing my ming after losing my Wobbles

[georgiesmommy]

does anyone here know of any grief counseling online? it has been 7 months since I lost my Wobbles and nothing has gotten easier, if nothing it has gotten harder...I cannot stop reliving the last few weeks of his life and that last night...all the mistakes I made all the if' only's...the missing him every single day and crying all the time im in so so much deep pain i don't know what to do....i just want to be with him again i want to hold him and beg him to forgive me

 

[kittens mom]

 
does anyone here know of any grief counseling online? it has been 7 months since I lost my Wobbles and nothing has gotten easier, if nothing it has gotten harder...I cannot stop reliving the last few weeks of his life and that last night...all the mistakes I made all the if' only's...the missing him every single day and crying all the time im in so so much deep pain i don't know what to do....i just want to be with him again i want to hold him and beg him to forgive me

I believe the ASPCA has a hotline. I can't find their number for some reason.

APLB - Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement

www.aplb.org

Information on pet loss and bereavement.

Now I feel your pain, honestly I do. I took my beloved Kitten to a vet who not only caused her to lose her vision but most likely caused liver failure and her death. I wrestle with your demons daily.

I want you to give yourself permission to forgive yourself. What we know think or have second guessed now is irrelevant. We would never ever in a million years harm our beloved feline companions. We made what we thought were the best and or good decisions.  Sometimes we have to learn to redirect our thinking to find some peace. You are allowed to go on living. You are allowed to grieve. You can do both.

 

[catlover73]

I am very sorry for your loss.    Kittens Mom has given you some excellent advice.  I did some research myself and found a phone number for the ASPCA grief hotline.

 (877) 474-3310

I too feel your pain.  I took a cat to the vet because I noticed she had lost weight.  It turned out she had stopped pooping and was completely blocked.  I did get her to the vet and she passed away during treatment at the vet's office.  It took me a long time to learn not to blame myself for not noticing something was wrong soon enough.  

It really did not even click until a close friend of mine who has been there herself basically told me that exact same thing that Kittens Mom has said to you. 

 

[georgiesmommy]

thank you for the information and the very kind words... I have tried to forgive myself but then the memories come and i can see everything is did and i know i didnt do everything he needed mme to simply bc i didn't have the money at that moment i was waiting for a paycheck....i wish all the time he'd have been born to people with money then he'd still be alive...i would have never known him but he deserved so much better than i gave himn

 

[jenny82]

I can tell that you gave him lots and lots of love and that's the most important thing of all! Please try not to blame yourself, he wouldn't want you to do that. I'm sure he loves you and would want you to try to be happy. I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you can reach out to the hotline and talk to someone. Many hugs to you.

 

[kittens mom]

 
thank you for the information and the very kind words... I have tried to forgive myself but then the memories come and i can see everything is did and i know i didnt do everything he needed mme to simply bc i didn't have the money at that moment i was waiting for a paycheck....i wish all the time he'd have been born to people with money then he'd still be alive...i would have never known him but he deserved so much better than i gave himn

That sucker punch from the inside and the resulting black hole in your gut. I know it well. The pain is physical as well as mental.  You are projecting what might have happened if only...

It sounds like Wobbles was loved all the days of his life. cherished and loved. Not even a cat n a very rich household is guaranteed that luxury. Wobbles was as lucky to have you as you were to have had him.

There is a new kind of guilt out there. Having to choose to end a pets life because you can't afford the cost of the rapidly expanding treatments using diagnostics and medications, operations that were not available just a few years ago. You have to release yourself from that guilt. You did your best. you know you did. I can see that you recognize Wobbly as a special and unique being. That's how I see my cats. There is nothing you can do to change his loss. That is the hardest part isn't it. Accepting they are gone. If I can be strong so can you. We need to spend more time remerging why we loved them so much instead of focusing on the end.

Kitten never knew a harsh word or blow. We gave her the best of everything we could afford. And I'm sure you did that for Wobbly. You gave him your heart and unconditional love. Millions of cats never get one day of that.

 

[catlover73]

 
thank you for the information and the very kind words... I have tried to forgive myself but then the memories come and i can see everything is did and i know i didnt do everything he needed mme to simply bc i didn't have the money at that moment i was waiting for a paycheck....i wish all the time he'd have been born to people with money then he'd still be alive...i would have never known him but he deserved so much better than i gave himn

You gave your baby a chance to feel loved and have a warm, caring place to live. There are a lot of cats out there that don't even have a chance to experience that.  I completely understand what you mean about having to wait for a pay check.  This was an issue for me when I discovered my cat had lost all the weight.  I had to wait two days to bring her in because that was when one of us got paid.  I have been there it sucks and I too went through the pain and blame you are going through.  You did everything you could do at that time for your baby.  Most of us on here have had to make difficult decisions due to finances at some point and unfortunately that is part of life.  You provided your baby with the best care you could.  

The what if's about things being different if you had money are just that.  Even having money can not always fix everything.  I have friends who have money and they to have suffered losses despite having lots of money for vet care.  I was there when she had a seemingly healthy kitten she rescued pass away in her arms with no warning. There was not even time to get this baby to the vet.  She spent extensive money afterwards trying to figure out why this kitten died and never got any answers.  Money can not always fix things either.  

My point is you did the best you could and blaming yourself is not going to bring your baby back.  Your baby would not want you to do this to yourself.

 

[betsygee]

At the top of this forum is a link about the ASPCA Grief Hotline:  http://www.thecatsite.com/t/276461/for-those-wanting-to-talk-to-someone-the-aspca-grief-hotline

Please do call them.  

  

 

[nurseangel]

My heart goes out to you.  Wobbles was blessed to have someone in his life like you.  Please do contact the grief hotline and (if you don't mind) keep us posted on how you are doing.  Wishing you peace and comfort.   

 

 

[di and bob]

It is not uncommon at all to have the feelings you are having, I still grieve and cry over three years later. Wobbles does not hold anything against you, all he ever wanted out of life was your love and caring and you know he had that. I. too. relive those last horrible moments, and have found that no matter how much we regret things in our past and would give anything to change them, they are in the past and there is nothing we can do to change it. Going over such painful memories does nothing but bring us anguish and serves no purpose except to break our hearts all over again. Horrible things happen to nice people, accidents and wrong decisions happen no matter how careful a person can be, or how good we live our lives.  We are still left behind to mourn and they are grateful to have us remember them on this earth, so that their lives meant something to someone.

Somehow we learn to live with our pain, we go on with our lives because that is what they would want us to do. If the situation would have been reversed, would you have wanted that sweet little boy to go on with the rest of his life in pain and sorrow? Of course not, you love him too much for that, as he loves you. You must distract your mind from those horrific last moments and concentrate on the good memories, what he brought into your life, it was so much more. You are hurting so bad because that is the depth of your love, it is in proportion. But he brought so much into your life that you must hold on to the thought that no matter how much pain you are feeling now, it is still so much better to have known him and loved him, and to have had him in your life then to have never known him at all.

What helped me tremendously was to do good things in my Chrissy's name, pay for a spaying or neutering at a local vets for people that can't afford it, pay for the adoption of a hard to adopt pet at a local shelter, like the older cat or one with a disability. Donate your time if funds are tight, cats (and dogs) at your local shelter are so grateful for the attention of people who care, and they have so little. And do it all in Wobbles name. Above all, know that you are not alone in your grief and what you are going through can be shared with others who care.  I care, I understand your heartbreaking grief, I wish I could take it all away, but I every loved one left behind is dealing with the huge void left behind in their  homes and their hearts and must heal in their own time and way. Try not to dwell on things you have no control over, and ask Wobbles to comfort you, that bond you have will never leave you, he will always be near. I'll pray for you both and for peace to enter your heart, his little soul is safe in your loving heart. 

IF TEARS COULD HAVE SAVED YOU,YOU WOULD HAVE LIVED FOREVER.

 

[kittens mom]

We tend to fixate on the worst thing, event or mental image when we lose our pets. And while you can't erase that from your mind you can learn to divert your thinking when your mind starts taking you down that road.

Saying out loud if you need to.

This is not productive thinking.

This is not where I am going today.

And then following thought by doing something that engages your thinking elsewhere or physical activity.

One thing I have learned . Dwelling exclusively on the event that ended Kitten's life was a huge barrier to processing the grief of losing her.  Thinking and obsessing over the end becomes a horror movie played out in your mind. Encompassing all of the events. Including the gotcha day and all the wonderful time and things about your relationship with your cat allows you to move thorough this darkness and eventually find light.

Over three months and I still cry some every single day.  You don't get over grief. it becomes a part of who you are. It does not need to be what defines you.

Our mind distorts things. Often the event you see as the reason you lost your cat isn't the real reason. It's what you have focused on while assigning yourself misplaced guilt over something you had no control over. 

You need to stop blaming yourself.

 

[kittens mom]

http://www.allcatsgreatandsmall.com/home.html

 

[boney girl dad]

I sure understand what you are feeling. I believe there is no quick comfort. I cried for a full year. My cat's grave is the most well watered location on my property. I have been doing better the last 9 weeks. The passing of time does eventually help. Counseling is a good option. I should've taken that advice. I am a dumb man and have been working it out on my own. Probably not the best approach. Surround yourself with folks who understand and don't expect anything from those who don't. Staying busy helps. What has helped me the most is to live life like my kitty did. She did not fret over yesterday or worry about tomorrow. She enjoyed the day and was always grateful for what she did have. Your cat was fortunate to have you.

 

[zed xyzed]

I am so sorry that Wobbles   passed and the pain you are in, My heart goes out to you

 

[serenitythecat]

I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel, don't worry, your not the only one. My cat Serenity was ran over on the main road behind our house about a year ago. I had her ever since I was a one year old (She lived to be almost 13 years old). She was my best friend and nothing physical, or mental, has hurt me as much as the death of my cat. I think about her everyday, knowing that she is in a amazing place now, looking down on me. And I am sure Wobbles is doing the same for you. It is NOT your fault, you gave him the love he deserved and you need to know that. 

 

[2Cats4everLoved]

I am so so sorry for your loss.  Loss is not an easy process and you have to go through the motions no matter how long it takes. As others have said, don't beat yourself up.  Then again, it's a lot easier to say than to practice.  Thoughts and prayers for you.  Wobbles was lucky to have you in his life.  Please take care of yourself.