My Family Hates My Cat

[Vader2016]

I hope this is the right forum for this!

So, last week my cat Vader once again was at the door when I was coming in and ran out. Apparently he forgets every time that he is afraid outside, haha! and he ran under the car. I tell my youngest daughter all the time that she needs to let me deal with him when he is scared. She was already outside so before I could yell - she was under the car and yanking on him to get him. Well, he bit her back a few times. Nothing bad! There was a little blood.

I of course told my mom what happened and that I was taking her in for antibiotics to be safe. Well, she started harassing me saying that Vader needs to go!! He is a threat to my children and they are concerned for their safety. Vader bit her because he was scared and was acting like any normal cat would. I will not take him to a shelter where they would more than likely put him down due to a bite history. My daughter understands what happened. I asked both of my daughters if they are afraid of him or feel threatened, and they said no. Vader LOVES them.

Now, my whole family is involved. My mom said I was disrespecting her by keeping him. FYI- I am 30 - own my own house, married, etc. She said nobody will come over. I always lock him up when people come over anyways because I KNOW my brothers kids don't respect animals and his gf won't say anything if they are all over him. Its hurtful.

My sister wont even talk to me anymore.

To add to the story - we got a new baby kitten! He is a tux and his name is Loki!
Once again- my mother is on me saying she doesn't understand why I got another cat. That 4 is too much. Look, if I have the space for them AND can afford them, why not?!

So yeah. Sorry this was so lengthy!

 

[Willowy]

You are an adult, and have your own house? Ignore them. Say something noncommittal like "sorry you feel that way" then change the subject. Don't talk about the subject or engage them when they talk about it.

One thing they might do if they get really mad is call CPS and tell them you have a dangerous animal around children. Make sure all of your cats are up-to-date on rabies shots, and make sure everything is legal in terms of how many cats you have, etc. So check your local ordinances, call Animal Control if you can't find the info anywhere else. If there has only been one bite incident and it was justified, CPS should be OK with that. Keep the house reasonably clean (clutter is OK, cat poop/dirty diapers on the floor is not) in case they show up.

 

[Mother Dragon]

I agree with W Willowy . Your house, your rules. If your mother pursues it, have your vet certify that Vader reacted the way he did out of self-defense and that is natural. He shouldn't be labeled as a vicious cat for that, especially if your daughter admits she did something to provoke the bite.

You might consider a Scat Mat if Vader escapes regularly. It's a clear plastic mat that runs off a 9-volt battery (or an adapter) and gives the cat a very mild shock when stepped on. It takes about three times for the cat to learn that getting out is not a good thing. The only caveat is that if YOU step on it with bare feet, it'll give you the same buzz. It has an adjustable intensity, but we've never had to use anything but the lowest setting.

Other than that, just do as Willowy suggests and ignore your family. Firmly change the subject.

Give Vader a good petting for me, and the new kitten, too.

 

[Vader2016]

I tried to explain to her that it was defense. Vader has never randomly just bit anyone...esp my kids. He isn't a cuddler and he does not give kisses- but that is just who he is. He will rub against me and purr and let me hold him for a bit. But he is pretty independent. I have talked with a lot of friends and others who are on my side - and agree. Even a dog would react the same way.

I may need to invest in one of those mats! My two outside cats are outside for that same reason. They kept trying to get out - and eventually I just stopped letting them back in haha, but they love it outside. Vader is just a big baby, haha! . But, I want Vader and Loki inside for good.

 

[Vader2016]

Vader has done well so far with our newest member. He is curious - I keep them separated while I am not at home- and when I am home I let them mingle. Vader does get a little overwhelmed and will try to run from Loki, and I give him a break. Vader is far more interested in Loki's food then he is Loki, lol!!!

 

[Kieka]

Just to echo everyone else, your home, your rules.

Meet those who have problems with your cats at other places or go to them. But if they want to come over they have to deal with the cats.

Just to point out an argument with your mother. By keeping the cat and explaining what went wrong your daughter learns not to grab animals, that animals will defend themselves and it is natural, that actions have consequences and how to properly interact with animals. Getting rid of a non aggressive animal because of an accidents teaches your daughter that she is allowed to hurt others with no consequence and that animals have no rights or value. Just saying. And I have told people that type of thing.

When I worked at Disneyland I once told a mom trying to lie about her daughters age (had to be 6 but trying to pass as 2), "I am done arguing with you. If you want to teach your daughter it's okay to lie about her age when it benefits her then be my guest and come on in. But if she gets in trouble for it later in life know you only had yourself to blame." I had another mom tell me to tell her daughter why they couldn't go in with fake tickets "Because your mom bought tickets from a bad man to try to save money. It's always a good idea to spend a little more to get them from where you should instead of buying them from people you don't know. I will be nice and let you in since it is your birthday but your Mom has to buy a real ticket first." The glares in both those cases. I am surprised I wasn't reported and both bought tickets after that.

 

[Vader2016]

Kieka, I had the same thoughts about if I just gave away Vader it would not teach my daughter anything. Granted she is 6 - I have raised both of my girls to respect animals. I have had to repeat though to my 6 year old that she cannot just go up into a dogs face, even cats! Not all animals appreciate that. Esp if they have anxiety - which I believe Vader does.

My future SIL said she can't bring her kids over because kids will be kids and they will pull on him. No. You teach them NOT to, and if they do then YOU need to correct them or I will. That is why I usually keep him up when they are here. Not because he is vicious and I can't trust him - but she doesn't do crap to correct her kids.

They are trying to tell me to do my daughters birthday party somewhere not at my house. But I do not want that.

 

[amysuen]

Kieka, I had the same thoughts about if I just gave away Vader it would not teach my daughter anything. Granted she is 6 - I have raised both of my girls to respect animals. I have had to repeat though to my 6 year old that she cannot just go up into a dogs face, even cats! Not all animals appreciate that. Esp if they have anxiety - which I believe Vader does.

My future SIL said she can't bring her kids over because kids will be kids and they will pull on him. No. You teach them NOT to, and if they do then YOU need to correct them or I will. That is why I usually keep him up when they are here. Not because he is vicious and I can't trust him - but she doesn't do crap to correct her kids.

They are trying to tell me to do my daughters birthday party somewhere not at my house. But I do not want that.

Yes! Two summers ago Snickers bit one of my daycare kiddos, and they ended up leaving. The problem is that they had a cat who would let the child maul it so he thought he could maul any cat he wanted. I tried to keep them separate but Snickers likes to be with the children and this boy made a beeline for Snickers whenever he saw him. Bottom line he wasn't a good fit for my program because I actually tell the children No AND expect them to listen.

Back on topic, ITA that you're an adult with your own house and get to make your own decisions. It sounds like you're sensitive to the concerns of others when they come to visit - what you do when they're not there isn't their business.

 

[Kieka]

Have the party at your house. If they don't come, they don't come. If they do come maybe confine the cats to a room and bar guests from going in. Not for the humans but so the cats aren't stressed by all the activity. You should teach your kids how they should behave not accept misbehavior as a matter of course. And I know that's not directed at you but your SIL.

My niece I have always been strict with in regards to animals, other people, manners, etc. I have her at least once a week and see her most days. We went to a civil war reenactment this weekend. After the battle the Calvary brought their horses to the edge of the field for kids to pet. Other kids are going crazy petting them but my niece walked up to one, looked at the rider and asked "may I pet him?" And gently pet the nose only as told. She just turned 9. But she did that younger too, when she was 5 I took her to a safety fair and she cracked the mounted police up. The police were surrounding by kids as they handed out candy and kids were petting the horses. She came running back to me to ask if she could take a candy from the police then ran back took a candy and asked if she could pet the horse . Even though every other kid was going for it she asked first.

Point is, if you expect more of kids they will live up to expectations. Expect less and they will give you less.

 

[Shane Kent]

For me it would be there's the door... I would be very abrupt about it. I feel that what they are doing is rude so I would be just as rude if not more. I have no kids and my cats are more or less my kids. I love my mom very much but I would show her the door if she criticized my cats to the degree that yours has. Same with any other family or friends. When my cats Zaren and Kane died I went to work with tears in my eyes. They died at different times and I was teary eyed for both. One of my co-workers that is a very close friend was sure to tell my other co-workers to not say anything because I would get extremely mad if they made fun of it. I still get teary eyed when I think of Zaren and Kane and it has been 4 years. I am a 47 year old man and I am not the least bit embarrassed for grieving my cats. If someone tried to make me get rid of my cats there would be hell to pay.

 

[Vader2016]

For me it would be there's the door... I would be very abrupt about it. I feel that what they are doing is rude so I would be just as rude if not more. I have no kids and my cats are more or less my kids. I love my mom very much but I would show her the door if she criticized my cats to the degree that yours has. Same with any other family or friends. When my cats Zaren and Kane died I went to work with tears in my eyes. They died at different times and I was teary eyed for both. One of my co-workers that is a very close friend was sure to tell my other co-workers to not say anything because I would get extremely mad if they made fun of it. I still get teary eyed when I think of Zaren and Kane and it has been 4 years. I am a 47 year old man and I am not the least bit embarrassed for grieving my cats. If someone tried to make me get rid of my cats there would be hell to pay.

I love my mom too, but I am just upset about this whole situation. She told me I was being disrespectful to her by keeping him. But I am 30! I know my cat better than she does - she has only seen him once. I just figure they are not animal people and will not understand.

 

[Shane Kent]

Vader2016
I think the lack of respect is coming from your mother. You are an adult and she seems to be treating you like a kid and not respecting your life decisions.

 

[pumpkins]

Vader, I am so sorry you are going through this with your family members. Having manipulative family members can be very hurtful and difficult to deal with on a consistent basis. Set some boundaries with them and stick to it. They won't like it, but they will learn eventually that they can't control you.

 

[Vader2016]

Vader2016
I think the lack of respect is coming from your mother. You are an adult and she seems to be treating you like a kid and not respecting your life decisions.

The cat is only the beginning. I am blonde- have been since I was 18. Being 30 this year I am ready for a change and will be going dark red at the end of the month. Drastic change, yes. But I am excited! She told me she hates red - and that can pick a color out together on the beach trip this weekend. Um, seriously? My hair color is make ME happy, not her.

 

[Vader2016]

Vader, I am so sorry you are going through this with your family members. Having manipulative family members can be very hurtful and difficult to deal with on a consistent basis. Set some boundaries with them and stick to it. They won't like it, but they will learn eventually that they can't control you.

It makes me incredibly sad that they hate Vader. He is an awesome kitty!

 

[arouetta]

It's not about the cat. It really isn't. It's about control. From what you have posted, your mother cannot accept when you do things differently than she wants. I thought it was about the cat until you mentioned the hair color.

I suspect that during the last 12 years you've accidentally reinforced it by giving in when she starts the heavy duty manipulation. I also suspect that you were raised with an unhealthy amount of parental interference and "respect one's parents even when they don't deserve it" as a way to keep control once you hit 18.

If I'm right, then there will be h*ll to pay when you stand your ground on the cat. People don't give up control very easily, they will get a lot worse before they admit defeat. Definitely make sure the rabies shot is up to date and the vet statement that other people mentioned. Definitely have the house ready for a CPS inspection. I'd also suggest a visit to the pediatrician so that you have that record of it just being a little thing. Talk to the pediatrician so that if needed, he or she can tell CPS that tripping at the playground is worse and it really didn't need anything more than a bandaid and a kiss.

 

[Willowy]

Generally. . .the people who yammer one about "respect" deserve it the least :/. People who really deserve respect don't have to demand it. I agree it's about control. Look up "gray rock"---granted, that's a method for dealing with psychopaths and narcissists, and maybe your mother isn't that bad.

But I've found that the basic concept works with other demanding types: just don't engage. You are a gray rock, so boring. If you stop arguing they can't hold up the argument themselves. So if she talks about the cat---"mm-hmm, yeah, mom, hey what do you think about the weather?" If she talks about your hair---"oh, that's interesting, hey what do you think about the latest celebrity gossip?" Like that.