My Aging Kleo - Anticipatory Grief

[davine_chi]

Hey all, I've been lurking here for the past couple of weeks due to some health issues my little Kleo has been going through. I need to reach out because I'm going through a really bad time right now and don't know where else or who else to turn to.

My Kleo is going on 16 years old; I've had her since she was only three months old and I know she won't live forever. But I love her to death and in many ways she is all I have, as I live alone and have for many years. She's been with me through so much and I've never had a pet this long or lost something so dear to me. I have no idea how in the world I am ever going to get through losing her - she lights my home up with life and without her this place is going to feel dead and empty.

Every day lately is filled with tons of dread, anticipatory grief, and a sinking feeling in my gut that won't go away, and I've been searching all over the Internet for anything related to pet loss and whatever it is I'm going through right now. I seriously don't know if I can take much more of this.

I'm not motivated to exercise or eat right anymore, if I eat at all, nor do I have any motivation for my usual hobbies due either to guilt of not spending all my free time with her or lack of interest. And of course, she just wants to sleep and be left alone it seems.

Her behavior is changing with obvious signs of slowing down. Maybe I'm more attentive to her now, perhaps things may have been like this for longer than I'm aware. But I recall she used to be a bit more active even just a few weeks ago than she's been lately. She'd frequently hang out with me in the living room, even coming out to play with one of her catnip toys. But lately she seems more interested in hiding out in the bedroom laying/sleeping on the floor, so I've taken note of that and made it as comfy in there for her as I can.

It's just really hard for me to go through this - even last weekend I was on the phone with a local company that does in-home euthanasia visits because she gave me such a serious health scare. She's doing fine health-wise though - her recent vet visit shows that she's healthy for her age. Good bloodwork, healthy organs and eyes, but her demeanor seems like she's too tired or maybe depressed? I don't know.

Anyway, after spending some time reading posts here, I can see this place is a very supportive community of like-minded cat people. I wanted to reach out because I could really use some support right now, as I have no idea how much longer I have with my precious girl and the sense of impending doom is becoming increasingly unbearable.

How do you cope with these feelings of dread and impending doom? I'm going to look into seeing a therapist for this, because I don't know where else to turn.

 

[Pittstop111]

Hello
I have a 17 year old cat I’ve had him since he was 8 weeks old he’s my world.
I went through similar to what your going through now when he reached13 years old for around three years I was thinking this is the year he’s going to die I’d burst in to tears and feel empty and sick inside But he just keeps on going he has slowed down a lot and his personality has changed.
You have given your cat a great home love and every thing she needs you need to remember that when the dreaded day comes Please enjoy the time you have left with you’re pet as it will make you unwell as it did me
Take care hun

 

[susanm9006]

Your feelings of sadness and grief are overshadowing the joy of still having her with you. You may want to visit your own doctor or a therapist to talk about depression and it’s effects on you. It is treatable and it will help you to live more in the present.

 

[davine_chi]

Hello
I have a 17 year old cat I’ve had him since he was 8 weeks old he’s my world.
I went through similar to what your going through now when he reached13 years old for around three years I was thinking this is the year he’s going to die I’d burst in to tears and feel empty and sick inside But he just keeps on going he has slowed down a lot and his personality has changed.
You have given your cat a great home love and every thing she needs you need to remember that when the dreaded day comes Please enjoy the time you have left with you’re pet as it will make you unwell as it did me
Take care hun

Thank you for the kind thoughts. What you describe is exactly what's been going on with me for at least the last 4 years or so. Every year I go through this kind of emotional upheaval, each year seemingly worse than the previous, where I am haunted with dread and thoughts of the day I lose Kleo: "Is this the year?" Just the worst feeling ever. But on some level, I think it at least it indicates how much I love and care for her, as you do with your little guy.

Almost everything I do revolves around enriching or enhancing her comfort and life in general - to the point I think I annoy her sometimes! These awful negative thoughts are getting in the way of my life, and the ridiculous thing is that she's still here with me now.

Fortunately, last week Kleo and I had a photo-shoot so I will have some professional pictures to remember her by. The photographer provided me with a reference to a counselor who specializes in the human-animal bond and deals with grieving the loss of pets. Hopefully she is a good fit for me and can help me...

Thank you so much, again, for the support!

 

[davine_chi]

Your feelings of sadness and grief are overshadowing the joy of still having her with you. You may want to visit your own doctor or a therapist to talk about depression and it’s effects on you. It is treatable and it will help you to live more in the present.

You are right - I do need to find someone to help me work through this process. I acknowledge that I cannot do it alone. Thank you for the kind thoughts!

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi. I am so sorry for all of this. Am I to understand that your baby has been seen by a vet recently? How recently, and what all did they test for? There are so many conditions that can be treated. And, tests are a big part of that.

I have a 16+yo - Feeby - so, I know your anxieties in terms of Kleo. She is going through some similar things, and I have been/will continue to work to get to the bottom of it before I even remotely think of PTS. It does consume much of my days, but it is all worth it in the end, if possible solutions can be pursued.

You and Kleo are in my thoughts.

 

[davine_chi]

Hi. I am so sorry for all of this. Am I to understand that your baby has been seen by a vet recently? How recently, and what all did they test for? There are so many conditions that can be treated. And, tests are a big part of that.

I have a 16+yo - Feeby - so, I know your anxieties in terms of Kleo. She is going through some similar things, and I have been/will continue to work to get to the bottom of it before I even remotely think of PTS. It does consume much of my days, but it is all worth it in the end, if possible solutions can be pursued.

You and Kleo are in my thoughts.

Thank you, FeebysOwner. Yes, we did see the vet recently. Kleo had her biannual visit on the 4th which included a full blood-work panel. Apart from normal aging wear-and-tear, the doctor think she is doing okay and doesn't see anything alarming right now (fingers crossed). Normal heart and lung function, and she's eating each of her meals.

We went in for a follow-up visit on the 14th due to a play-accident that was affecting her willingness to even be touched; this visit included two (left/right) x-rays. No fractured bones, but her pain was enough to get sent home with a Buprenex trial. That pain seems to have subsided, but she continues to be way more reclusive than what was normal a month ago - fully understanding that she probably has arthritis.

Due to Buprenex causing constipation, we went to the urgent care just a couple days later on the 16th just to be on the safe side. She was indicated as slightly dehydrated, so they gave her Sub-Q fluids and took an abbreviated blood-work panel. She checked out okay here as well. She finally defecated later that day when we got home (she's been on Miralax since then).

So she's physically okay, but maybe mentally exhausted or checked-out? I dunno. =(

I'm with you - if there's something we can do that doesn't negatively and significantly affect her quality of life, I'm going to look into it. But I have no clue where I draw that line... I've read other people's stories about this kind of thing online, and I guess the best I can hope for is a clear-cut sign that she's no longer living a dignified life. And they've said that sometimes their pet will look at them a certain way and then they just know it's time.

The hardest part for me right now is knowing how much sleep is too much sleep. Maybe I just notice it more now that I'm more tuned-in to her patterns and behavior. I ask myself what kind of existence it is for her to only get excited enough to eat and use the litter box. We do play, as much as I can get out of her anyway. But it's obviously harder at 16 than even a couple years ago. Hard to see her not get excited about or go up to her window perch anymore, things like that.

I realize I'm rambling...but I really do appreciate the kind thoughts and thoughtful replies, so thank you for that.

You and Feeby are in my thoughts as well.

 

[Mia6]

I hope Kleo improves. My Vincie girl began sleeping a lot when she turned 15 but lived for 4 more years.
She went on adventures, soaked up the sun while on the deck.

Please don't fret too much.

Love,
Mia

 

[Pittstop111]

Thank you for the kind thoughts. What you describe is exactly what's been going on with me for at least the last 4 years or so. Every year I go through this kind of emotional upheaval, each year seemingly worse than the previous, where I am haunted with dread and thoughts of the day I lose Kleo: "Is this the year?" Just the worst feeling ever. But on some level, I think it at least it indicates how much I love and care for her, as you do with your little guy.

Almost everything I do revolves around enriching or enhancing her comfort and life in general - to the point I think I annoy her sometimes! These awful negative thoughts are getting in the way of my life, and the ridiculous thing is that she's still here with me now.

Fortunately, last week Kleo and I had a photo-shoot so I will have some professional pictures to remember her by. The photographer provided me with a reference to a counselor who specializes in the human-animal bond and deals with grieving the loss of pets. Hopefully she is a good fit for me and can help me...

Thank you so much, again, for the support!

 

[Winchester]

It is difficult. I went through it with Banshee; I knew she was going to leave and it was hard. She was only 13, but had some health issues.

The only advice I can give you is that.....well, you're not doing yourself or Kleo any favors, D davine_chi . I know it's really hard to think about her health and the fact that she may pass. But it's stopping you from enjoying your time with her. And she can pick up on your stress, which can, in turn, lead to stress with her. Cats are very attuned to their owners and they know when something's going on.

And know that part of having a cherished little girl or boy is knowing that, eventually, they will leave. It's part of life. And you will hurt. That's part of life, too, the grieving. But eventually, you'll think of something really crazy that Kleo did. And you'll smile. And honestly, I know it sounds trite, but life does go on.

Banshee was my life. When she died, a piece of me died, too. And as much as I dearly love Mollipop, I think of Banshee every day of my life. I remember how she loved poultry and she'd plant her butt right in front of the oven when she knew there was a chicken in the oven; she'd wait for that chicken to come out. She loved bananas and she adored cantaloupe; I went several years without eating a piece of cantaloupe because it brought memories of her back to me.

My point is, it's hard to lose a pet. But when the time comes, you will get through it. Honest.

And meanwhile? Enjoy her. Let her live her life. Don't smother her. She's OK. She loves you. And the best thing you can do is to just love her and enjoy whatever time she has left.

 

[di and bob]

I whole heartedly agree with the above. It does nobody any good at all to worry about the future. There is absolutely no way to prepare your heart to be broken, believe me, I have been there many times. You WILL survive, but it is very hard. You have to enjoy your time right now, in the present. Your little one is getting older and is bound to slow down. don't ruin your time left by worrying about something you have absolutely no control over, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. It is her life that is important, that and the bond of love that ties your souls together and will be with you always. She will live on through you when she physically leaves,do not let the rest of yoru life be full of tears anmd sorrow. look into those beautiful eyes and live for the moment.....