My 6 year old, Dubs, died unexpectedley today.

[benny bear]

I am so sorry to hear this. He reminds me of our last cat.  Just so sad that you lost him at such a young age but take come cpmfort in knowing that you did your best for him while he was here. 

 

[christfawk]

 
I am so sorry to hear this. He reminds me of our last cat.  Just so sad that you lost him at such a young age but take come cpmfort in knowing that you did your best for him while he was here. 

 If your cat was anything like my Dubs, they he brought untold amounts of entertainment to you and I'm glad for it. We're doing our best, yesterday was the first day I didn't cry, so that's somewhat exciting, Dubs didn't like it when I cried. Thank you.

 

[christfawk]

If anyone is still subscribed to this little thread for my boy, I'm having some trouble tonight. I don't know if I'm seeking advice or reassurance or whatever, but I think I mostly need to get these thoughts down.

I'm home alone tonight, which normally I love. My alone time is extremely important to me, I often say its the only thing that's kept me with my boyfriend over the last 4 years, but tonight I find it extremely unnerving. I have Rudy and my dog to comfort me, but I'm just so anxious. I'm to see my vet tomorrow, my parents' dog has an appointment my dad is unable to take him to, and I've been telling myself since I received the phone call on friday I would discuss what actually happened with Dubs when I go back, but I'm scared almost. I need the closure, I need to know exactly what went on. I'm am so saddened that I don't have the finances to have had a necropsy done on him, my work hours have been halved and I'm actually on partial unemployment until about March. I know to a lot of people the concept of someone slicing up there cat after death is horrible, but I'm the kind of person who finds incredible comfort in facts, ignorance is not at all bliss, but now that the day is coming to get whatever answers possible I'm scared.

I've only been using my vet for about two and a half years, I'm ashamed to admit it but we simply didn't make enough money to establish a veterinary relationship previous to that. I took care of them the best I could during that time, I fed everyone the best diet I could afford, I watched them for signs of illness, and the first time Dubs was ever blocked, 3 years ago or so, I was prepared to go down to the emergency vet with my rent money if need be, but he passed the blockage while I called the vet frantically. I was so relieved. I know, logically, I have no reason to fear my vet did something to cause this. I know, logically, there is no reason for the paranoia I have that the vet misheard me on the phone and did not send Dubs out for a private cremation, but I am so frantically worried. I'm sure, in the part of my mind that ignores emotion, that he did everything he could for Dubs, I'm sure he didn't pass all alone. I know he wasn't in pain, he had fallen unconscious and didn't have the strength to wake back up. I don't know why I'm so worried, I think its the part of me that wants to deny all of this, that this is all a cruel joke.

I'm filled with thoughts of "what if he thought he was an older cat than he was, and didn't do everything he could?", or "what if he took my known financial situation into account, and knew I would have trouble paying the bill, and did less than everything?". (I actually called him a few hours before Dubs passed, and told him to do whatever it takes, bloodwork, anything). I'm also worried because typically, the vet would call with a reminder for my appointment tomorrow, and they didn't call at all today. I'm worried they're keeping some kind of terrible secret from me.

I'm not even sure what to ask tomorrow, and I don't know what answers I want to hear. All I know is if he seems aloof, like he doesn't care, like he's not upset he lost this mostly healthy six year old cat for no damn good reason, that I will collect Dub's ashes and never go back there again. I want to trust my vet, I really really do, but I'm so unsure now. I'm so sorry for rambling, I'm just having kind of a panic attack to a small extent. I just want his ashes back, I need him home.

 

[zed xyzed]

. Bring you sweet Duds home. I will be thinking of you.  If you have questions ask them, you have every right to know

 

[kittens mom]

It's horrible to tell you this. It won't really be a comfort. Everything you are feeling is part of the grieving process when we lose a pet. Because you weren't there it's even worse.

You sound like a wonderful caring person who took great care of their cats. Vets do not choose to treat less because of finances. They will present you with your options. And while euthanasia may be one of them they do not recommend that unless the pet has an untreatable condition or the owner simply doesn't have the finances to treat them. But that would be discussed with you first.

Vets cannot get emotionally involved but aside from my vet from hell it's very rare , very rare for them to not care. Write down your questions.

Do not expect direct answers as they will not speculate very much as to the why's if they don't know. Accept there is not a good answer for everything. Sometimes bad things happen and it is no ones fault.  Request a copy of Dubs chart notes that you can review when you feel up to it. Most of all understand all the panic, doubt and suspicion are part of the grief.

And I understand about having them home where they belong.

 

[kittens mom]

You know it's assumed that the grief and guilt over euthanizing a pet or having one pass like Dubs is about feeling sad and crying. Instead it is a monster of every emotion known to man all thrown in a boiling pot and being randomly fired through your brain. If you feel up to it ask the vet to go over Dub's chart with you. And be honest that you don't understand what happened.  Remember the personality of your vet does not determine how competent they are or even what he may truly be feeling.

Hugs to you.

 

[caesar]

I'm sure it is awful for you, with him being so young. I would want answers too. My Kitty Freebee was 15 1/2 so much older. Easier to take when they are older. He was fine one moment, then the next his back legs were paralyzed and he was howling. We rushed him to the Vet, who said It was not uncommon and it was very painful for him. It was awful because I couldn't comfort him, his eyes were so frightened. That is the one and only time I have ever been relieved to see one of my beloved pets put to sleep.

 

[christfawk]

Thank you so much, I'm glad to hear this paranoia is normal. I've actually worked as a Vetrinary assistant before, so to an extent I know what goes on behind those closed doors, which is why my logic is in constant battle with my emotions. My vet is very blunt and difficult to read, but it's actually one of the reasons I stuck with him. Facts and science comfort me, and that's why it's bothers me so much I couldn't have an necropsy done. Also, through the research is was doing, a stress induced clot does make a great deal of sense, I'm not arguing that at all. In all honesty I hope it was a clot, only because I know there is basically nothing that could have been done, the prognosis for clots in cats is very poor. I think it's just because I wasn't there, and he was so young, and that this was so out of nowhere. I feel a little bit more confident about tomorrow, and I will write down my questions, and I really only have two. I just want him to explain to me again exactly what he thinks happened, and I want to make sure he did whatever he could. I accept I'll never know why truly happened, I understand that, like my boss told me, "I was dealt a raw hand by nature." Thank you so much for your reassurance, I just have to live through tomorrow, wait for his ashes, then I can truly begin to celebrate the wonderful years I spent with him.

Also, kittens mom , I was reading through the stories on your thread, and you had mentioned at one point how with only your one cat, you need someone to care for. I completely understand, my Rudy is so easy to care for compared to Dubs I feel as if I have nothing to do, and there is a part of me that wants to run out and adopt a new companion right this moment. I loved taking care of Dubs, even if it was a pain is my ass, I loved it. I had to make him "soup" for his meals he could only eat wet food, and to try to prevent future blockages I had to mix it with some warm water and a small amount of mineral oil. I had to diligently watch to make sure he didn't steal his brother's dry food, and chase him away from the dog's food, which he happily ate despite the kibble being the size of his whole mouth. It's crazy how much I miss those mundane tasks now. The area of my counter he took his meals has to be kept clean, I get nervous when dishes are placed there, I have to do them and move them immediatley.

 

[kittens mom]

Thank you so much, I'm glad to hear this paranoia is normal. I've actually worked as a Vetrinary assistant before, so to an extent I know what goes on behind those closed doors, which is why my logic is in constant battle with my emotions. My vet is very blunt and difficult to read, but it's actually one of the reasons I stuck with him. Facts and science comfort me, and that's why it's bothers me so much I couldn't have an necropsy done. Also, through the research is was doing, a stress induced clot does make a great deal of sense, I'm not arguing that at all. In all honesty I hope it was a clot, only because I know there is basically nothing that could have been done, the prognosis for clots in cats is very poor. I think it's just because I wasn't there, and he was so young, and that this was so out of nowhere. I feel a little bit more confident about tomorrow, and I will write down my questions, and I really only have two. I just want him to explain to me again exactly what he thinks happened, and I want to make sure he did whatever he could. I accept I'll never know why truly happened, I understand that, like my boss told me, "I was dealt a raw hand by nature." Thank you so much for your reassurance, I just have to live through tomorrow, wait for his ashes, then I can truly begin to celebrate the wonderful years I spent with him.

Also, @Kittens Mom, I was reading through the stories on your thread, and you had mentioned at one point how with only your one cat, you need someone to care for. I completely understand, my Rudy is so easy to care for compared to Dubs I feel as if I have nothing to do, and there is a part of me that wants to run out and adopt a new companion right this moment. I loved taking care of Dubs, even if it was a pain is my ass, I loved it. I had to make him "soup" for his meals he could only eat wet food, and to try to prevent future blockages I had to mix it with some warm water and a small amount of mineral oil. I had to diligently watch to make sure he didn't steal his brother's dry food, and chase him away from the dog's food, which he happily ate despite the kibble being the size of his whole mouth. It's crazy how much I miss those mundane tasks now. The area of my counter he took his meals has to be kept clean, I get nervous when dishes are placed there, I have to do them and move them immediatley.

I just want to caution you. You cannot control this process. Most of us go through different phases several times , sometimes slipping back to ground zero a few times.  Bringing his ashes home will be bittersweet. You will feel relief he's home and be instantly reminded he'll never be in your home again. Do not set expectations for yourself.  Don't try and logic your way out of it. As long as you can function fairly normal. Can communicate with your partner and your other pets are cared for your grief is yours to work through.

 

[christfawk]

I expect to break a little more once his ashes come home, I don't except every day to be better, I know there will be bad days out of nowhere. I am truly thankful for my support network, my boyfriend is wonderful, and honestly my boss is a great deal of help. She has been working with animals about as long as I've been alive, and has also been doing animal rescue. She actually knows exactly what I'm going through, she lost her 4 year old pekingese suddenly, and in a matter of hours just like I lost Dubs. I look to her as an guide, because it's been about a year and a half now and she is still going, she's still rescuing dogs and has lost 2 more since, one to liver failure and one to old age. I know she goes home a cries some days, and right after she lost her peke she told me she wanted to go home and swallow a bottle of pills, but she gets by. We all will in our own way. Talking about feelings is so important, and I'm grateful for my little family, and also the support I've been shown over the last week here. I'm going to try to control it though I know I can't, but I have to keep moving forward. There's a disabled cat and an old dog who have only me to guide them.

 

[walkingrock]

Thinking about you! Hugs [emoji]128151[/emoji]

 

[christfawk]

Thinking about you! Hugs [emoji]128151[/emoji]

Thank you! I'm doing a little better this morning, I've lived through a week. I have to be brave, like Dubs was, for his sake I have to go and find out in my vet's words what happened.

I go at 1 pm today, I'll let everyone know what went on.

 

[eck1kaylie]

I'm So sorry for everything you're going through. It's so awful to lose one so young and so unexpectedly.
I know personally, I felt better when I bought my baby's ashes home. But, as has been stated previously, it's different for everyone.
I hope you're able to get your questions answered today. We're here for you [emoji]128151[/emoji]

 

[christfawk]

I have spoken with my vet, and I feel like a huge weight has lifted from my heart. It went well, none of my delusions were true. I was so happy that he approached me to speak about Dubs, and he offered his sincerest condolences. I will never know what truly happened to my boy, but the best guess is the blood clot. He was simply too stressed, he has been there so many times the last few months that it compounded into enough stress to kill him. This is not the first time my vet has seen this, and while its a terrible tragedy I feel that knowing others have suffered in the same way makes me feel better, I have a kinship with people I have never known and never will. I also found out that after his passing my vet administered a short rectal exam, to make sure nothing had gone wrong with the enema. This would have happened at some point, at the next blockage, at home, something went wrong with his organs in such a way to do this. Its hard, but I can live with those facts. I also found out he was never alone, the vet was with him the whole time and that brings me so much peace. My boyfriend and I just had this image of him passing all alone, and he loved people so, it made us so sad. I am so happy to find he was not alone. His ashes should be returned on Monday, and I've already paid for his cremation, which is excellent as I can have someone else gather them if need be. I bought a shelf to mount just to hold his urn, and I'll be putting it up this weekend.

Thank you, everyone, for your support. I'm sure there will be a few times I'll have to come back to this thread, April will be hard, its his birthday. I do seriously thank you all for taking the time to learn of his existence, he would have liked you all, he wasn't shy and would have been happy to have sat on your lap.

 

[zed xyzed]

I am glad you found some comfort in speaking to the vet. It is nice to hear that he wasn't alone when he passed. He sounded like such a special boy, I wish I could have met him. 

 

[kittens mom]

Answers don't fix the hurt of loss but they do help us process what happened.  Loose ends can be as hard to deal with as the missing pet and empty space we're left with. Again I am so sorry for the loss of your Dubs.

 

[caesar]

I'm glad you have some answers now, the fact that he wasn't alone would give me comfort, too. Take it one day at a time, remember the joy he brought you and you brought him. Healing will come gradually.

 

[christfawk]

Thank you everyone so much, I just think my brain is more satisfied now that I have as much closure as I'm ever going to get. I'm going to be sad when I remember him, even when its a happy memory, but my boyfriend and I are going to move toward the future, and I'm excited for what it will bring. My life is almost split now into a "before Dubs/after Dubs" state, if I think of a day before the 8th in the back of my mind all I can think is "Dubs was still alive". But, I want to make everything after Dubs wonderful, I want to go on with my life keeping his spirit in me, because its a precious gift I can't afford to waste.

 

[kittens mom]

 
Thank you everyone so much, I just think my brain is more satisfied now that I have as much closure as I'm ever going to get. I'm going to be sad when I remember him, even when its a happy memory, but my boyfriend and I are going to move toward the future, and I'm excited for what it will bring. My life is almost split now into a "before Dubs/after Dubs" state, if I think of a day before the 8th in the back of my mind all I can think is "Dubs was still alive". But, I want to make everything after Dubs wonderful, I want to go on with my life keeping his spirit in me, because its a precious gift I can't afford to waste.

The end result of all grief should be to love everyone we cherish , human or pet more profoundly. Because we have just had lesson from the universe that nothing lasts forever. Each day is a gift. Treat it that way.

 

[eck1kaylie]

Thank you everyone so much, I just think my brain is more satisfied now that I have as much closure as I'm ever going to get. I'm going to be sad when I remember him, even when its a happy memory, but my boyfriend and I are going to move toward the future, and I'm excited for what it will bring. My life is almost split now into a "before Dubs/after Dubs" state, if I think of a day before the 8th in the back of my mind all I can think is "Dubs was still alive". But, I want to make everything after Dubs wonderful, I want to go on with my life keeping his spirit in me, because its a precious gift I can't afford to waste.

The end result of all grief should be to love everyone we cherish , human or pet more profoundly. Because we have just had lesson from the universe that nothing lasts forever. Each day is a gift. Treat it that way.

That's a really beautiful way of thinking.
I'm so glad you could finally have some closure. It really gave me that moment of clarity as well. The pain of losing our beloved babies is so awful, but it's such a gift to have loved them even for a short time, and they change your life forever. You live the rest of your life with that love held safely in your heart.