Monday's Question of the Day - August 22, 2016

[MoochNNoodles]

This week's question is inspired by the numerous baby shower invitations I have coming in lately! 

Do you prefer to give physical presents or cash/gift cards as gifts?

I have always preferred giving a gift.  The only exception is my teenage nieces and nephews who are in that hard to shop for stage.  

  Money is simpler; but feels impersonal.  Sometimes I feel like I can put together a nice gift for less than a nice cash gift.  

I don't have any problems with shopping off a baby or bridal registry as long as the items are reasonably priced.

  My cousin's registry didn't have much that was below $40!  But it also didn't have much to begin with.  So I looked at what their decor was and what they had gotten and put together a sweet little package myself (books, a blanket, etc).  The invitation I got today (baby shower) said that they are registered at Target but "monetary gifts are preferred."

  I have known the mom-to-be for close to 20 years and her mother is a good friend of my mother's.  But boy that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  I don't like it.

  I see registries as suggestions for what they want or need.  It feels...greedy to tell people you want cash.  I don't know that they are like that.  I enjoy chatting with her from time to time; but we aren't close.  I don't understand it.  I have received one wedding invitation with a similar request; but at least done a bit more tactfully. They used a little poem to explain that they didn't need things for their home because they already had them.  So that was a little more understandable.  This shower is for a first-time-mom.  

I don't know.  Is this a new generational thing and I'm old fashion?  (This girl is close to my age, so over 30.)  Maybe either way its asking for gifts.  But when she got married I was invited to her bridal shower but not her wedding.  That was awkward because I didn't know until the middle of the shower that invitations had already been sent out and i was not to be included.  People were discussing the venues and invitations and i was like 

 

.  I had forgotten about that until just now to be honest.  

My best friend was almost 5 months pregnant when she moved overseas.  We hosted a shower for her and put a little note inside saying that because their home was already packed for moving when they found out about their pregnancy; they would only be able to take what they could put in their luggage or they'd have to ship it themselves.  I forget the exact wording; but somehow we phrased it that gifts were not requested and we were celebrating their upcoming arrival while she was still with us.   That's a different circumstance than this baby shower.  I'm not sure I will attend.  

 

[Norachan]

I think Baby Showers must be an American thing. I've never been to one or heard of any of my friends having them. It does sound a bit much, after you've probably given a Bridal Shower gift and a Wedding gift, to give a gift for the new baby too. I guess you have to do this for every child the couple have? Then Birthday and Christmas gifts too?

I can't believe that someone invited you to the shower and not the wedding! How rude!

I've donated money to charities instead of giving a gift to people, but if I give an actual gift to a person I prefer to pick something out myself. I like it when people do this for me, it shows they've really thought about what I might like or find useful. Even if they get it a bit off I still appreciate the thought that's gone into it.

 

[LTS3]

I prefer to give actual gifts. It shows that I put some thought into giving the person something he / she will enjoy or will find useful.  I just bought a book on the history of the NYC and Boston subways systems for a friend's autistic son's birthday. He's obsessed with anything train related.

 

[di and bob]

I, too, think it is terribly rude to request cash, but I also think it is rude to be texting on a phone all through a dinner with family! So I may be old fashioned, but I thought good manners would never go out of style! I don't know if they are just not taught now at home or what, I see kids not pulling over for ambulances, slamming the door in an old person's face, and running around like wild animals during church services and other solemn advents, and the parents do nothing to control or teach them. ( and real wild animals are a lot quieter!)  It appears this new generation is the "I do what I want and NO ONE will tell me different, my rules, my ways! There are a lot of good kids out there too, they just go through life unnoticed. We need to praise them more and reward them for good behavior, bad behavior needs to be not accepted at all once again, I'm sure norms will change back in the generations coming up, they always do. I prefer to give and receive physical gifts, but have the receipt handy, just in case!

 

[denice]

I think it is very tacky to request cash unless it is a donation to a specified charity in lieu of a gift.  I usually like to give a gift rather than money.   When the kids were teenagers I did give them a gift card as the majority of their Christmas gift so they could get what they wanted.  I would still give them little stocking stuffer type gifts though.

 

[Winchester]

It depends on who it is. If it's somebody I feel close to, I'll give a personal gift or buy something from the registry, if there is one. If I'm not really close to the person (and yeah, I've gotten invitations to showers for people I'm not particularly close to....and wondered why I've gotten the thing), cash or a gift card will do, which is probably what they want anyway. And when I really don't understand why in the world I've even received the invitation, I send it back, saying that I will not be able to attend and I don't send anything.

We got invited to a bridal shower for a couple who were both getting married for the second time. And we had gone to the groom's first wedding, which was out of state. And to his first bride's shower. When the groom got married again, we got invited to the bridal shower (which I think it's tacky to have a second bridal shower because this was her second wedding, too. And they both had children.), I didn't go. I did send a gift card as a gift, but that was it. Her registries were from Williams Sonoma and from Pottery Barn.  I think the cheapest thing was $75 and I wasn't going there. We did go to the wedding, also out of state, and we gave another gift card.  So not only did we spend money on the bridal showers and the weddings, we also spent money on hotel rooms and travel, the pet-sitters for the cats and, this last time, having Jackie kenneled. It wasn't cheap. Although maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way. But I wasn't amused by the whole thing.

Mooch, this was discussed on another board I lurk at. People have gotten shower invites through FB! One couple received a "Save the Date" announcement, but then never received the wedding invitation....she didn't know what to do. She eventually called the mother of the bridge and they had a stilted conversation. Turns out the couple had invited too many people and had the pare the list down....but could she still send a gift, since the woman was a close friend of the bride's mother? 

 Seriously.

In your case, Mooch, I wouldn't go. I'd send regrets and let it go at that. And I wouldn't send a gift either.

 

[muffy]

Gift cards.

 

[Kat0121]

It depends on who it is and how well I know the person. If I know that collect something or there's something that they are really into, I get them something related to it but more often than not though I give gift cards. I don't find it impersonal at all. A gift is a gift and unless I know every single thing that they have related to their hobby or whatever it is, the chances could be very good that I will get them something they already have. 

I give a "cat shower" gift when I hear that someone has adopted a new kitty. I usually give treats and a wand toy 

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

:Nine times out of ten I will give them a gift card. I base that on what I like to get myself. :lol3:

 

[cassiopea]

Most of the time, I prefer to give gifts - I like the wrapping and decorating aspect on top of being able to give something more special/personal! 


However gift cards can be admittedly quite useful here and there. If tight on time, or you don't know the person as well, or perhaps it ends up being quite fitting for the persons' personality - for example, one of my close friends, like myself, is a huge bookworm. Sometimes getting each other actual books can be tricky for obvious reasons, so gift cards for bookstores have been great.


I find requesting money is rude and greedy. The last two weddings I've been to were cash - and it was explained that it was to also help pay FOR the wedding. I'm sorry, but if you want a wedding, let alone a big one, that is your responsibility 

 don't make everyone else foot the bill. They are your guests, not a free pay day. And it was worse for one of them, the father of the bride requested up to a $400 cash gift from each person. Thankfully my grandmother became quite stern with that request.


I didn't give any money, I ended up giving small gifts and cards anyway. Sorry about that folks, but too bad. It's tricky to want to refuse to go because these were my relatives weddings - but the next time guests are asked for money for themselves in lieu of gifts, I would likely decline this time. For the latter wedding, the one with the father of the bride asking for the high amount, it took three years for all of us to receive thank you cards in return. I mean really!


If someone wants to give a gift of cash by willing choice under their own private discretion, that is their business and totally fine. If it was little donations on behalf of a charity or cause, that would be fine too. But otherwise, nope.

If I ever wed, I would prefer gifts - To me, they are lovely memory tokens of your special day. I particularly like the old style of receiving classic things like a wedding china set. I'm a grown arse adult in the meantime, asking for money to help support my wedding, honeymoon and other stuff just seems off. I can fund myself. If I am unable to, perhaps its a clue that getting married or having children isn't the right time after all and waiting is best. Or just opt for a small ceremony. If I were to pop out a human brat, I'm not interested in having a baby shower. If I get one for whatever reason, gifts are not necessary/mandatory. A happy gathering of friends and family would be all I need. A human soul was just created and is about to join our clan and the world, I think that matters the most.


If I am unable to receive gifts (Like my spouse and I are in-between two countries, a common feature in my family. Or, we already have everything we need) then I would go for the donation route, on behalf of the Kidney Foundation or an Animal Shelter etc. Or request nothing at all from anyone. In any case I care more about the well being of my guests, and the fact that the people who matter are there celebrating with me and took the time and energy to do so, more than receiving actual items.
 

Baby showers haven't been better 

 this whole "Holier than thou" attitude because one has reproduced - wow you are sooo special! Clearly the only one in the entire planet who has ever done such a thing - and a high demand of wanting presents and money. Could go on and on with this one! Sorry if it sounds harsh, been a while since I let my own sentiment out  about it 

 don't get me wrong, creating life is a beautiful thing and all, but seriously....

Altogether it is getting much when all these showers and parties add up, on top of holidays.

One of my acquaintances alone had an engagement party (And her boyfriend proposed to her at her own sisters wedding! How blatantly tacky, rude and scene stealing) a bridal shower,  Bachelorette party, and a Wedding-eve party on top of the rehearsal dinner before she got married this spring. I can only imagine what will happen when children come into the picture. I think there is some underlining issues going on, but that is a whole other topic anyway.


Oh, and that is rude that you were invited to the baby shower but not the wedding. Yikes!

 

[Kat0121]

 
Most of the time, I prefer to give gifts - I like the wrapping and decorating aspect on top of being able to give something more special/personal! 


However gift cards can be admittedly quite useful here and there. If tight on time, or you don't know the person as well, or perhaps it ends up being quite fitting for the persons' personality - for example, one of my close friends, like myself, is a huge bookworm. Sometimes getting each other actual books can be tricky for obvious reasons, so gift cards for bookstores have been great.


I find requesting money is rude and greedy. The last two weddings I've been to were cash - and it was explained that it was to also help pay FOR the wedding. I'm sorry, but if you want a wedding, let alone a big one, that is your responsibility 

 don't make everyone else foot the bill. They are your guests, not a free pay day. And it was worse for one of them, the father of the bride requested up to a $400 cash gift from each person. Thankfully my grandmother became quite stern with that request.


I didn't give any money, I ended up giving small gifts and cards anyway. Sorry about that folks, but too bad. It's tricky to want to refuse to go because these were my relatives weddings - but the next time guests are asked for money for themselves in lieu of gifts, I would likely decline this time. For the latter wedding, the one with the father of the bride asking for the high amount, it took three years for all of us to receive thank you cards in return. I mean really!


If someone wants to give a gift of cash by willing choice under their own private discretion, that is their business and totally fine. If it was little donations on behalf of a charity or cause, that would be fine too. But otherwise, nope.

If I ever wed, I would prefer gifts - To me, they are lovely memory tokens of your special day. I particularly like the old style of receiving classic things like a wedding china set. I'm a grown arse adult in the meantime, asking for money to help support my wedding, honeymoon and other stuff just seems off. I can fund myself. If I am unable to, perhaps its a clue that getting married or having children isn't the right time after all and waiting is best. Or just opt for a small ceremony. If I were to pop out a human brat, I'm not interested in having a baby shower. If I get one for whatever reason, gifts are not necessary/mandatory. A happy gathering of friends and family would be all I need. A human soul was just created and is about to join our clan and the world, I think that matters the most.


If I am unable to receive gifts (Like my spouse and I are in-between two countries, a common feature in my family. Or, we already have everything we need) then I would go for the donation route, on behalf of the Kidney Foundation or an Animal Shelter etc. Or request nothing at all from anyone. In any case I care more about the well being of my guests, and the fact that the people who matter are there celebrating with me and took the time and energy to do so, more than receiving actual items.
 

Baby showers haven't been better 

 this whole "Holier than thou" attitude because one has reproduced - wow you are sooo special! Clearly the only one in the entire planet who has ever done such a thing - and a high demand of wanting presents and money. Could go on and on with this one! Sorry if it sounds harsh, been a while since I let my own sentiment out  about it 

 don't get me wrong, creating life is a beautiful thing and all, but seriously....

Altogether it is getting much when all these showers and parties add up, on top of holidays.

One of my acquaintances alone had an engagement party (And her boyfriend proposed to her at her own sisters wedding! How blatantly tacky, rude and scene stealing) a bridal shower,  Bachelorette party, and a Wedding-eve party on top of the rehearsal dinner before she got married this spring. I can only imagine what will happen when children come into the picture. I think there is some underlining issues going on, but that is a whole other topic anyway.


Oh, and that is rude that you were invited to the baby shower but not the wedding. Yikes!

I think I have to agree with you 100%. People become more and more entitled every year. Demanding cash as a gift for a wedding or baby gift is just plain tacky. So is going to the highest end stores there are for your registry. There's no reason why the average Joe and Jane need to register at Barney's, Saks, etc. 

I'd be very happy if I were never invited to another wedding again. I HATE them. The air is thick with phoniness and the room full of fake smiles- especially in this day and age where 1 in 2 marriages will fail and guests are whispering among themselves wondering how long THIS one will last. I'm also just not a fan of marriage in general and I do not believe that monogamy is human nature.  It is forced upon us by most religions and always has been. 

I am less offended by a baby shower I think and I always give a gift and not cash or a gift card- something off the registry and then something soft and cute for the little one to snuggle with. A stuffie or a super soft blankie. 

  After DD was born and she'd outgrow something, I gave it to a local church whose nuns worked with young single mothers. They got her clothes, crib, walker, etc and it was greatly appreciated. I knew I wasn't having any more so why keep it when I could give it to someone who really needed it. Many "shower" gifts. 

My aunt wanted to announce my cousin's engagement at my wedding. My father told her to forget it. She was offended. Too bad. 

 

[Willowy]

Living in a small town and having close relatives having babies, I've seen that. . .if you DON'T have a baby/wedding shower, people talk trash about you :/. So you need to have a shower. And then you get a lot of duplicates and useless junk, so you spend the next month running around returning and exchanging stuff, or just give up and keep or toss the junk because the baby/wedding planning is keeping you too busy to go to the store. So I don't think registries or money/gift card requests are bad at all. If we (as a society) are going to push social norms on people, we at least need to give them some kind of control over it.

Really you can't win. If you say "no gifts", people will bring gifts and make you feel bad for being "holier than thou" by saying you don't want gifts :/. If you don't have the party at all, someone will be mad. If you do something to try to get what you actually want, people get mad. If you don't say what you want and everyone brings the same thing, someone gets mad when you return the extras. It's too complicated!

I only give gift cards. I'm no good at actual gifts. If it's a baby shower, I might, if I have time, buy a little toy and stick the gift card to that. But mostly just gift cards. Walmart or Amazon, can't go wrong with those 2.

 

[Kat0121]

Living in a small town and having close relatives having babies, I've seen that. . .if you DON'T have a baby/wedding shower, people talk trash about you :/. So you need to have a shower. And then you get a lot of duplicates and useless junk, so you spend the next month running around returning and exchanging stuff, or just give up and keep or toss the junk because the baby/wedding planning is keeping you too busy to go to the store. So I don't think registries or money/gift card requests are bad at all. If we (as a society) are going to push social norms on people, we at least need to give them some kind of control over it.

Really you can't win. If you say "no gifts", people will bring gifts and make you feel bad for being "holier than thou" by saying you don't want gifts :/. If you don't have the party at all, someone will be mad. If you do something to try to get what you actually want, people get mad. If you don't say what you want and everyone brings the same thing, someone gets mad when you return the extras. It's too complicated!

I only give gift cards. I'm no good at actual gifts. If it's a baby shower, I might, if I have time, buy a little toy and stick the gift card to that. But mostly just gift cards. Walmart or Amazon, can't go wrong with those 2.

I'm not opposed to registries at all. In fact, I'd prefer that they have one to get an idea of what they want and when others buy off the registry, it shows the item as purchased so there is less chance of duplicates. What I am opposed to is creating a registry at a place where the majority of the guests are priced out. "Congratulations! Here's a $75.00 fork but you have to share it." 

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Well at least I don't feel alone in being put off by the invitation.  What's the expression; don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  I'm going to have a chat with my mother about it later.  

I just peeked at the registry.  I'm not sure if I am going; but it's at least much more reasonable and practical in what items they have on there.  I have a feeling my cousin's registry was so sparse because they have already gotten things on their own.  One reason big things are registered for (like cribs and that big stuff) is that some retailers will give a discount on any remaining items on your registry after your due date.  But gosh it shouldn't ALL be big stuff!

My cousin's now BIL wouldn't even propose to her SIL before their reception had taken place.  He was adamant about that. They got married a few months earlier in a courthouse ceremony but their mothers insisted they would have a modest reception.  He could have proposed and I don't think anyone would have raised an eyebrow; but he insisted they needed to have their day first.  That speaks of class to me. 

 
Mooch, this was discussed on another board I lurk at. People have gotten shower invites through FB! One couple received a "Save the Date" announcement, but then never received the wedding invitation....she didn't know what to do. She eventually called the mother of the bridge and they had a stilted conversation. Turns out the couple had invited too many people and had the pare the list down....but could she still send a gift, since the woman was a close friend of the bride's mother? 

 Seriously.

  Oh absolutely NOT!  I cannot even conceive asking that of someone.  At all.  Just the first thought and my Mother and Grandmother's face some to mind and I can't even finish the thought.  

 
I'm not opposed to registries at all. In fact, I'd prefer that they have one to get an idea of what they want and when others buy off the registry, it shows the item as purchased so there is less chance of duplicates. What I am opposed to is creating a registry at a place where the majority of the guests are priced out. "Congratulations! Here's a $75.00 fork but you have to share it." 

 

I was happy to receive the invitation.  I'm not one to hold grudges and really I had forgotten about the wedding incident.  I enjoy bridal and baby showers.  I'm typically pretty introverted; but they usually are for people from church or friends so I know I will see people I like to talk to there.  It's an enjoyable time.  I enjoy helping people prepare for a baby especially.  I've had 2 and I get how crazy it can seem.  I even had a second baby shower.  it was MUCH smaller than my first and it was more party to celebrate the upcoming arrival than anything.  I had a girl the first time and I had been given a lot of pink baby equipment.  So having a boy; we did replace some things (some he used pink).  Some on our own and some things were gifts.  The people who got us things for the 2nd shower got things like diapers and boy clothing.  I've been to friends showers for their 2nd and 3rd babies and it's much the same.  A small gathering of friends and family giving the basics and enjoying some conversation and laughter. 

 

[denice]

The last baby shower I bought a gift for they had registered at Target.  They had the gamut from the bigger stuff down to things like diapers and breast cream.  I bought a large box of diapers and a jar of the breast cream, I figured there is no such thing as too much of either especially since I went up to the small size on the diapers rather than newborn.  She was having a girl and I bought a onsie with little bunny rabbits on it.  I know myself anyway there was no such thing as too many onsies.

 

[Kat0121]

 
The last baby shower I bought a gift for they had registered at Target.  They had the gamut from the bigger stuff down to things like diapers and breast cream.  I bought a large box of diapers and a jar of the breast cream, I figured there is no such thing as too much of either especially since I went up to the small size on the diapers rather than newborn.  She was having a girl and I bought a onsie with little bunny rabbits on it.  I know myself anyway there was no such thing as too many onsies.

They make the BEST stuff for baby girls. They are so much more fun to buy for than boys.

In a somewhat related (she is my baby 

) subject, I want to get this for Sophie so bad because I know how cute she'd look in it, I just can't bring myself to A) order it from my wish list or B) remove it from my wish list. I know she'd hate it and I'd love it. I won't buy it but I like looking at it from time to time. It's so silly but her feelings have to win this one. 

 

[MoochNNoodles]

 
The last baby shower I bought a gift for they had registered at Target.  They had the gamut from the bigger stuff down to things like diapers and breast cream.  I bought a large box of diapers and a jar of the breast cream, I figured there is no such thing as too much of either especially since I went up to the small size on the diapers rather than newborn.  She was having a girl and I bought a onsie with little bunny rabbits on it.  I know myself anyway there was no such thing as too many onsies.

Diapers are easy to exchange too!  I couponed more when I was pregnant with DS and built up a stash at the end of the hallway with boxes of diapers and wipes.  (I'm not too sad to see those days pass. 

)

The girl stuff is SO hard to resist!  Almost everyone has had or is having a boy this year; except this woman! 

  My DD likes babies and she's always like "ANOTHER BOY?!" 

  I have to say; shopping for DS is cheaper though. 

 
They make the BEST stuff for baby girls. They are so much more fun to buy for than boys.

In a somewhat related (she is my baby 

) subject, I want to get this for Sophie so bad because I know how cute she'd look in it, I just can't bring myself to A) order it from my wish list or B) remove it from my wish list. I know she'd hate it and I'd love it. I won't buy it but I like looking at it from time to time. It's so silly but her feelings have to win this one. 

Oh my gosh that's cute!!  

 

[handsome kitty]

I can't remember the last time I went to a baby shower.  I've been mailing baby shower gifts to nieces and nephews since we are so far away.

I think I had 3 baby showers.  We had already moved to MD and went to IL for something and my family had one for us.  Most of the larger items we bought from yard sales trying to keep costs down.  When the 2nd arrived my neighbors had a shower for me.  It was fun to sit with all the neighbors and hear their stories.  When I was in my early 20's I put a baby up for adoption and the people at work had a surprise shower for me.  They gave me a robe, pj's and slippers for the hospital stay.  It was really sweet and totally unexpected.

At Christmas we give a silly gift and cash to each niece and nephew.  DH says they should have something to open.  I also prefer receiving gifts over cash.  Most of my Christmas money is regifted to my kids as part of their gifts since I'm not working.

 

[artiemom]

For my family's small kids at Birthdays and Christmas, I used to ask their mom for ideas for a gift. As they got older and their tastes changed, I just asked what store for a gift card. I felt that was much easier for all of us. 

Now they are adults, and are too many, considering their significant others, so I just gave up gifts completely. They are all in the late 20's so it is not as if they really need anything; plus I am not close to them at all.

I was invited to a Baby shower this past April. I looked at the gift registry. Lots of expensive stuff, which I could not afford and the little things were all taken.. so I just went with my gut, and got an outfit in a larger size. I must say, there were so clothes given as gifts.. unbelievable--- all the stores were having sales, so everyone thought the same...

 

[MoochNNoodles]

 
For my family's small kids at Birthdays and Christmas, I used to ask their mom for ideas for a gift. As they got older and their tastes changed, I just asked what store for a gift card. I felt that was much easier for all of us. 

Now they are adults, and are too many, considering their significant others, so I just gave up gifts completely. They are all in the late 20's so it is not as if they really need anything; plus I am not close to them at all.

I was invited to a Baby shower this past April. I looked at the gift registry. Lots of expensive stuff, which I could not afford and the little things were all taken.. so I just went with my gut, and got an outfit in a larger size. I must say, there were so clothes given as gifts.. unbelievable--- all the stores were having sales, so everyone thought the same...

On DH's side and for my nieces and nephews via my step-siblings we only exchange between the kids.  We will be up to 9 nieces and nephews outside our own kids and then also my cousins 2 kids that I will gift to. That's enough.  I mean we do gifts for our parents and grandparents; but not siblings, cousins, etc.  

 
I can't remember the last time I went to a baby shower.  I've been mailing baby shower gifts to nieces and nephews since we are so far away.

I think I had 3 baby showers.  We had already moved to MD and went to IL for something and my family had one for us.  Most of the larger items we bought from yard sales trying to keep costs down.  When the 2nd arrived my neighbors had a shower for me.  It was fun to sit with all the neighbors and hear their stories.  When I was in my early 20's I put a baby up for adoption and the people at work had a surprise shower for me.  They gave me a robe, pj's and slippers for the hospital stay.  It was really sweet and totally unexpected.

That is very sweet and thoughtful!! 

I did have 3 showers for my DD.  Our family lives out of state.  My Aunt on my Dad's side through me a small shower at my Grandmas on a trip there.  My other Grandma was in a nursing home and my Aunt worked there. So they were able to have another small family shower for me that day.  When I got married my Aunts threw me a bridal shower together.  But with my Grandparent's health challenges; small and separate was better.