Missing My Baby

[LittleC]

I had to put my sweet girl down 20 days ago after trying to save her for almost a month. It started with a URI after bringing a new kitten home. Progressed to possible obstruction, feeding tube placed, syringe feedings, multiple antibiotics, steroids, and a lot of prayer, but nothing worked, we couldn't get her fever down, on her last day she woke me up and I knew she couldn't do it anymore. The vet thinks she may have had cancer. Necropsy revealed nothing!
I have never in my life grieved for an animal this bad. I miss her so much, and still wonder if I could have done more. Not knowing why she was so sick is what keeps eating at me.
Has anyone here dealt with anything similar to this? I don't know how to move past the feelings of I should have done more, or the what ifs.

 

[Timmer]

LittleC, I'm sorry for your loss. My condolences to you. I know how you feel, and I am sure so many others will respond too, with their feelings. I lost my cat Timmer on Friday so it's very raw for me still. Why he went so fast is eating in me too.
My cat was diagnosed after many tests and colonoscopy, biopsy and everything else, with IBD but he went so quick and never responded to antibiotics, prednisone, chemo, nothing we tried. Our vet believed he had cancer along with IBD and which came first, we will never know. From what I understand now, cancers and lymphomas multiply so rapidly and are so hard to diagnose. I think of it as the woman who has ovarian cancer and never knows it until it's far too late, or people with brain cancers who never know it until it's too late. A friend of mine just told me they found out her husband has colon cancer and only about two weeks left to live. Cancer is a terrible thing. I would not doubt that your kitty had some form of it.
From what I read here, you really did all you could, you did what the doctors told you to and it sounds like more. Most of all, you gave your sweetheart all the love you could. And only YOU could do that. No one else. And she knew you loved her. Without a doubt. My heart goes out to you.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone in this and we are all here for you. It has been a week since I had to put my baby girl to sleep due to an oral mass (the vet thought it was probably cancer as well, although we didn't have the time to confirm it). Just this morning I was questioning why I didn't get a second opinion. Why I didn't try another medication, more steroids, no steroids- the list goes back and forth and on and on. The angels on this board know your pain- they listen and more importantly, they know. They know the pain of trying everything, yet never feeling like it is was enough. They know how excruciating it is to wonder about those "what-if's". As many advised me- do not let yourself focus on all those what-if's. There would always be what-if's no matter what route you chose or didn't choose. Kittens mom said it best- you were merciful to your baby in an act of true love. You chose to take away the pain and bear it yourself. That's what makes us such good mommies. It is a decision that tears us apart, but you did more for her in her lifetime and final days than most do in their entire life and when it was time to let her go you made the right decision. Never doubt that. The most selfless love ever given.

I believe it was di and bob that described it as the ocean- the waves that will come (pain, guilt, sadness, and even peace). Cry all you need to and come back here anytime you need to- we are listening. Sending hugs and prayers.

 

[les26]

The grief from losing your baby can play many games with you both mentally and physically, but you did all that you could and more, and despite our best efforts there are times when it is not meant to be, it is just their time to leave us although we don't want them too. But you did your best and all you could do, and she is just fine now, no more pain or suffering, just fine, and you will see her again someday down the line.

It will take a long time but you will slowly start to feel better, just go with how you are feeling and let it out, don't hold it in as that only delays the healing. With time, it will hurt less and less.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[LittleC]

You all are so kind, Timmer I am so sorry for your lost I thought I was doing better, but today has hit me so hard, I think it's probably because my grandpa died 14 years ago today, and I'm always sad on this day. I miss her comforting me, no matter where she was in the house, if I was crying or having a bad day she would always find me and cuddle on my chest or lap, and it would make me feel better, I miss that so dang much!! She was only 3 and I thought I would have at least 15 more years with her.
It's funny how life works sometimes, before she showed up at my door, I didn't care much for cats. It was the evening of my grandma's funeral, and we were at home I kept hearing these loud meows outside, it was the middle of November and a very cold snowy day. I went outside to see what was going on, and this little white ball of fluff came running up to me and instantly began purring. I brought her in knowing I couldn't leave her out in the cold, I was going to take her to the humane society the next day, but after a night of her cuddling, and comforting me, I began to wonder if maybe my grandma had sent her to me to comfort me, my grandma also died of cancer.
I just hope she knew how much I loved her. Some of my guilt comes from the last week of her life I was giving her antibiotic injections, sub q fluids, and checking her temp a few times a day, I know that couldn't have been pleasant for her, and I hope she knew I was trying to help her.
Sorry for the rambling, it feels better to talk about her, and I've always loved to tell people how she came into my life. Thank you all for taking the time to comfort me, it really does mean a lot.

 

[vampyre08]

It is perfectly OK to ramble. There are tons of emotions running through your head right now. I think that our animals know the medical things we do for them isn't to hurt them. They don't like it, but they can feel our concern for them as we do these things (shots, meds, thermometers). I suspect though that they don't connect the treatments with how they feel or how it may ease their pain as they go on. They just know that they don't feel well and likely want it to stop. It's a beautiful story about how she found you. You saved her and she saved you in a time of deep emotional distress.

I lost my furkid two months ago. He was my first cat, and he was amazing. Grief is not necessarily a set of steps you go through, its more like a process that just changes as time goes on. Remember her and all the good memories. When you're ready, maybe you can adopt another animal from a shelter who needs a loving home. Be well.

 

[di and bob]

Almost everyone goes through exactly what you are going through. I would give so much to have just one more day......It is called grief. These feelings of doubt, all those should haves, could haves always come unbidden, they burden the soul and break our hearts all over again. You will never get over these thoughts and feelings, you learn to live with them and how to manage them by trial and error. Everyone muddles through the best they can. It helps to talk to others who understand your grief, who can relate to what you are going through. And there are many...... I have found I have to consciously put those feelings away. They will always be there, to take out and examine in our private moments of grief, but life is the present and what we do in the present shapes our future, don't make it a future full of pain and sadness. I truly believe that our little ones would NEVER want to cause this pain in our lives, they would never want us to be so unhappy because of them, they love us too much for that. that is what love is.
I see you came to us in Dec. seeking help, I'm so sorry it didn't help. You are a loving and caring person and tried your best to find help for your little girl, sometimes it still isn't enough, no matter how much we try. She was under a vet's care, and if an experienced vet could not help her, you truly did all you could, if love could have saved her she would have lived forever.......
That new little one you brought into your home needs you, I hope you can accept the love that new baby is trying to give you, the distraction of a new life is always welcome during times of grief. Don't hold back, let that little one replace some of the pain in your heart. The love you have for both can exist side by side, never replaces, but adds to the richness of your soul. Remember that kitten is innocent, and can bring happiness and love back into your heart and home if you let him. No it will never be the same, but like a mother with several children you learn to love them all, each and every one in a unique and special way. The love you shared with your little girl will never be duplicated, it can never be taken from you either.
The bond you formed with your little girl will always be there, it too, can never be taken from you. It is forged from love, which is eternal. Use it and your precious memories of happier times to bring peace to your heart. You cannot change the past, but the future is there to be made of what you make it. Your little girl walks a new path now, but it will forever follow yours, she will always be near.
I have found that to do good things in your little one's name helps to make you feel a little better about yourself, and brings honor to her legacy of love she left you. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been at the shelter the longest several times a year. In my own little girl's name.It brings me peace. Donate to your own shelter or humane society, every cent is much appreciated. Food and litter, too.
Time is the only thing that helps dull the sharp pain, know you are not alone. My heart breaks for your pain, I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care......Rip sweet little girl. You will always be held securely in a loving heart, never to be forgotten. May you be blessed and held in loving arms until you greet the one you love once more. Good night, sleep tight, little Princess!

 

[LittleC]

Almost everyone goes through exactly what you are going through. I would give so much to have just one more day......It is called grief. These feelings of doubt, all those should haves, could haves always come unbidden, they burden the soul and break our hearts all over again. You will never get over these thoughts and feelings, you learn to live with them and how to manage them by trial and error. Everyone muddles through the best they can. It helps to talk to others who understand your grief, who can relate to what you are going through. And there are many...... I have found I have to consciously put those feelings away. They will always be there, to take out and examine in our private moments of grief, but life is the present and what we do in the present shapes our future, don't make it a future full of pain and sadness. I truly believe that our little ones would NEVER want to cause this pain in our lives, they would never want us to be so unhappy because of them, they love us too much for that. that is what love is.
I see you came to us in Dec. seeking help, I'm so sorry it didn't help. You are a loving and caring person and tried your best to find help for your little girl, sometimes it still isn't enough, no matter how much we try. She was under a vet's care, and if an experienced vet could not help her, you truly did all you could, if love could have saved her she would have lived forever.......
That new little one you brought into your home needs you, I hope you can accept the love that new baby is trying to give you, the distraction of a new life is always welcome during times of grief. Don't hold back, let that little one replace some of the pain in your heart. The love you have for both can exist side by side, never replaces, but adds to the richness of your soul. Remember that kitten is innocent, and can bring happiness and love back into your heart and home if you let him. No it will never be the same, but like a mother with several children you learn to love them all, each and every one in a unique and special way. The love you shared with your little girl will never be duplicated, it can never be taken from you either.
The bond you formed with your little girl will always be there, it too, can never be taken from you. It is forged from love, which is eternal. Use it and your precious memories of happier times to bring peace to your heart. You cannot change the past, but the future is there to be made of what you make it. Your little girl walks a new path now, but it will forever follow yours, she will always be near.
I have found that to do good things in your little one's name helps to make you feel a little better about yourself, and brings honor to her legacy of love she left you. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been at the shelter the longest several times a year. In my own little girl's name.It brings me peace. Donate to your own shelter or humane society, every cent is much appreciated. Food and litter, too.
Time is the only thing that helps dull the sharp pain, know you are not alone. My heart breaks for your pain, I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care......Rip sweet little girl. You will always be held securely in a loving heart, never to be forgotten. May you be blessed and held in loving arms until you greet the one you love once more. Good night, sleep tight, little Princess!

Thank you for your kind words! I feel better today, yesterday was just hard. Our new boy Ollie has been such a sweet kitten, and I felt so bad the whole time I was taking care of our other cat, I wasn't paying as much attention to him as I wanted to, but he still was getting lots of love and attention from my daughter because he was her early Christmas present and she has done such a wonderful job with him. She doesn't want me to feed or water him because she said she wants him to like her the most. I do get lots of snuggle time with him during the day while she's gone, and that definitely helps ease the pain, something about a purring kitty on your lap or chest is so soothing. I'm so glad I found this site, it has helped ease some of the pain and doubt that I feel. My husband and Vet have both told me time and again I did everything and more that I could have. I just hope that I will have that special bond again some day, and that I will stop worrying ever time Ollie sneezes, or has goop in his eyes, I'm sure the Vet is sick of seeing us .
Thank you again

 

[LittleC]

It is perfectly OK to ramble. There are tons of emotions running through your head right now. I think that our animals know the medical things we do for them isn't to hurt them. They don't like it, but they can feel our concern for them as we do these things (shots, meds, thermometers). I suspect though that they don't connect the treatments with how they feel or how it may ease their pain as they go on. They just know that they don't feel well and likely want it to stop. It's a beautiful story about how she found you. You saved her and she saved you in a time of deep emotional distress.

I lost my furkid two months ago. He was my first cat, and he was amazing. Grief is not necessarily a set of steps you go through, its more like a process that just changes as time goes on. Remember her and all the good memories. When you're ready, maybe you can adopt another animal from a shelter who needs a loving home. Be well.

I am so sorry for your loss, I feel better today, it helped to be able to vent to people that understand.
I've already been looking, but I just don't think I'm quite ready, I'm terrified of going through that again. I was thinking though of volunteering at our local cat shelter once a week though, I thought that might ease the pain a bit.

 

[LittleC]

Almost everyone goes through exactly what you are going through. I would give so much to have just one more day......It is called grief. These feelings of doubt, all those should haves, could haves always come unbidden, they burden the soul and break our hearts all over again. You will never get over these thoughts and feelings, you learn to live with them and how to manage them by trial and error. Everyone muddles through the best they can. It helps to talk to others who understand your grief, who can relate to what you are going through. And there are many...... I have found I have to consciously put those feelings away. They will always be there, to take out and examine in our private moments of grief, but life is the present and what we do in the present shapes our future, don't make it a future full of pain and sadness. I truly believe that our little ones would NEVER want to cause this pain in our lives, they would never want us to be so unhappy because of them, they love us too much for that. that is what love is.
I see you came to us in Dec. seeking help, I'm so sorry it didn't help. You are a loving and caring person and tried your best to find help for your little girl, sometimes it still isn't enough, no matter how much we try. She was under a vet's care, and if an experienced vet could not help her, you truly did all you could, if love could have saved her she would have lived forever.......
That new little one you brought into your home needs you, I hope you can accept the love that new baby is trying to give you, the distraction of a new life is always welcome during times of grief. Don't hold back, let that little one replace some of the pain in your heart. The love you have for both can exist side by side, never replaces, but adds to the richness of your soul. Remember that kitten is innocent, and can bring happiness and love back into your heart and home if you let him. No it will never be the same, but like a mother with several children you learn to love them all, each and every one in a unique and special way. The love you shared with your little girl will never be duplicated, it can never be taken from you either.
The bond you formed with your little girl will always be there, it too, can never be taken from you. It is forged from love, which is eternal. Use it and your precious memories of happier times to bring peace to your heart. You cannot change the past, but the future is there to be made of what you make it. Your little girl walks a new path now, but it will forever follow yours, she will always be near.
I have found that to do good things in your little one's name helps to make you feel a little better about yourself, and brings honor to her legacy of love she left you. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been at the shelter the longest several times a year. In my own little girl's name.It brings me peace. Donate to your own shelter or humane society, every cent is much appreciated. Food and litter, too.
Time is the only thing that helps dull the sharp pain, know you are not alone. My heart breaks for your pain, I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care......Rip sweet little girl. You will always be held securely in a loving heart, never to be forgotten. May you be blessed and held in loving arms until you greet the one you love once more. Good night, sleep tight, little Princess!

I also meant to comment on paying an adoption fee, I think that is a terrific idea!

 

[vampyre08]

Almost everyone goes through exactly what you are going through. I would give so much to have just one more day......It is called grief. These feelings of doubt, all those should haves, could haves always come unbidden, they burden the soul and break our hearts all over again. You will never get over these thoughts and feelings, you learn to live with them and how to manage them by trial and error. Everyone muddles through the best they can. It helps to talk to others who understand your grief, who can relate to what you are going through. And there are many...... I have found I have to consciously put those feelings away. They will always be there, to take out and examine in our private moments of grief, but life is the present and what we do in the present shapes our future, don't make it a future full of pain and sadness. I truly believe that our little ones would NEVER want to cause this pain in our lives, they would never want us to be so unhappy because of them, they love us too much for that. that is what love is.
I see you came to us in Dec. seeking help, I'm so sorry it didn't help. You are a loving and caring person and tried your best to find help for your little girl, sometimes it still isn't enough, no matter how much we try. She was under a vet's care, and if an experienced vet could not help her, you truly did all you could, if love could have saved her she would have lived forever.......
That new little one you brought into your home needs you, I hope you can accept the love that new baby is trying to give you, the distraction of a new life is always welcome during times of grief. Don't hold back, let that little one replace some of the pain in your heart. The love you have for both can exist side by side, never replaces, but adds to the richness of your soul. Remember that kitten is innocent, and can bring happiness and love back into your heart and home if you let him. No it will never be the same, but like a mother with several children you learn to love them all, each and every one in a unique and special way. The love you shared with your little girl will never be duplicated, it can never be taken from you either.
The bond you formed with your little girl will always be there, it too, can never be taken from you. It is forged from love, which is eternal. Use it and your precious memories of happier times to bring peace to your heart. You cannot change the past, but the future is there to be made of what you make it. Your little girl walks a new path now, but it will forever follow yours, she will always be near.
I have found that to do good things in your little one's name helps to make you feel a little better about yourself, and brings honor to her legacy of love she left you. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been at the shelter the longest several times a year. In my own little girl's name.It brings me peace. Donate to your own shelter or humane society, every cent is much appreciated. Food and litter, too.
Time is the only thing that helps dull the sharp pain, know you are not alone. My heart breaks for your pain, I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care......Rip sweet little girl. You will always be held securely in a loving heart, never to be forgotten. May you be blessed and held in loving arms until you greet the one you love once more. Good night, sleep tight, little Princess!

You really do have a way with words. Have you thought of putting together a book for people going through pet grief? There are lots of those out there, but there's always a market for that material. I'm a former journalist, I could be your editor if you ever need one.

 

[di and bob]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I'll keep that in mind. I read so much, it is something I absolutely love to do. To write would be a dream!