I'm near tears and shaking like a leaf so I apologize if this comes out without making sense. I've texted friends, called others, and even e-mailed someone, but no one has answered (it's late and I certainly don't blame them). But, I still need to "talk" and to get everything out.
Ever since I had pneumonia back in January, my anxiety has been heightened. I was off my meds for a period of time due to being on antibiotics and other medication and I think that messed things up some, but I also know that being sick had something to do with all of this. For the record, I am back on my meds and things have largely improved. But, still, the anxiety hasn't lessened...
I'm not going to go into details because I am afraid of what you all will think of me, but suffice it to say that things weren't always good. And, because of the fact that I couldn't properly breathe while sick with pneumonia, certain memories have come to the surface. I'm now so petrified that I'll get sick again and not be able to breathe that I find myself short of breath and in the throes of a full-blown anxiety attack. I have a tremendous fear of not being able to breathe and I know that the anxiety is only making the situation worse, but I feel as though I have no control over my body or my mind. It's terribly frustrating and overwhelming at the same time. I'm scared and knowing that I'm safe now (and I am safe) doesn't help calm me. Nothing does.
It's usually not this bad. And, even when it is, I can almost always hold it together. I feel so pathetic writing this here. My roommate tells me I'm just being dramatic and when I tried to explain things to someone else earlier tonight, they just told me that it was all in my head. I know it's a mental and emotional issue, but that doesn't deflect from the fact that the memories I have are very much real. Feeling invalidated only serves to make me feel more shameful. And, maybe I am dramatic. But, even if I were, would it make what I'm feeling any less real?
I know this will pass. And, I am know that I'm strong and capable of getting through this. But, sometimes, I just wish someone would hold me and make it all go away. I have a lot going on this coming weekend and I need to get back in control so that I can do what I need to do. For now, though, I guess I need to take care of myself. And, so, I'm going to go and take a nice, hot bath and try to relax. Then I'll take my meds, eat my snack, and curl up with the furry ones and try to get some sleep.
I'm sorry for laying this all out here. I hope this doesn't ruin your opinion of me (if you even have one). I'm just afraid right now. I know it'll get better, but, for now, I just need to know that I'm not alone.
Thank you all for being here. Just knowing you're somewhere out there means a lot
.
Ever since I had pneumonia back in January, my anxiety has been heightened. I was off my meds for a period of time due to being on antibiotics and other medication and I think that messed things up some, but I also know that being sick had something to do with all of this. For the record, I am back on my meds and things have largely improved. But, still, the anxiety hasn't lessened...
I'm not going to go into details because I am afraid of what you all will think of me, but suffice it to say that things weren't always good. And, because of the fact that I couldn't properly breathe while sick with pneumonia, certain memories have come to the surface. I'm now so petrified that I'll get sick again and not be able to breathe that I find myself short of breath and in the throes of a full-blown anxiety attack. I have a tremendous fear of not being able to breathe and I know that the anxiety is only making the situation worse, but I feel as though I have no control over my body or my mind. It's terribly frustrating and overwhelming at the same time. I'm scared and knowing that I'm safe now (and I am safe) doesn't help calm me. Nothing does.
It's usually not this bad. And, even when it is, I can almost always hold it together. I feel so pathetic writing this here. My roommate tells me I'm just being dramatic and when I tried to explain things to someone else earlier tonight, they just told me that it was all in my head. I know it's a mental and emotional issue, but that doesn't deflect from the fact that the memories I have are very much real. Feeling invalidated only serves to make me feel more shameful. And, maybe I am dramatic. But, even if I were, would it make what I'm feeling any less real?
I know this will pass. And, I am know that I'm strong and capable of getting through this. But, sometimes, I just wish someone would hold me and make it all go away. I have a lot going on this coming weekend and I need to get back in control so that I can do what I need to do. For now, though, I guess I need to take care of myself. And, so, I'm going to go and take a nice, hot bath and try to relax. Then I'll take my meds, eat my snack, and curl up with the furry ones and try to get some sleep.
I'm sorry for laying this all out here. I hope this doesn't ruin your opinion of me (if you even have one). I'm just afraid right now. I know it'll get better, but, for now, I just need to know that I'm not alone.
Thank you all for being here. Just knowing you're somewhere out there means a lot