if you were me what would you do?

[cjandbilly]

Nicky, please please get out now. Do whatever you must, but do NOT say anything about the sites you found, or the girl who MSNed you! Nicky, you have me worried about your safety, here now. If he throws you around the room, corners you, and yells at you to stop screaming in fear, he's only going to get worse, and worse, until the day you won't be able to get out. He's not worth it. He's trash, and I know you can do so much better. Please, just get out of there safely, and never fall for his hypnotism of saying he's sorry ever again.

Please don't feel stupid, Nicky. Love is blinding. I understand that. I know I'm young, and I haven't met a special guy, but I can understand, still. My brother was engaged to the wicked witch of the west, who manipulated him, and told him he couldn't go out and have fun with his friends, yet she could go out with hers! But, he broke up with her. And you know what? Because he finally left her, he met the woman of his dreams, and is now happily married.
So, don't feel stupid, and don't feel like someone will judge you, because, everyone can understand. Honestly, the only way someone will probably judge you is if you stay with this jerk. Now, I'm not saying that we are going to, because like I said, love is a complicated thing, and is blinding, but as a friend, I am begging you to leave him. Get out. He's abusive, he's unstable, and I fear for you, Nicky.

Remember, that I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. You can IM me over AIM, at ChatterboxCAB, or you can PM me. I'll be here for you as much as I can.

I hope that nothing I have said will upset you, and that you will do the right thing.

Cassie

 

[maverick_kitten]

i'm at home now, got home just before midnight tonight.

basically the girl (who we both know) rang him and told him that she spoke to me on msn so when he got back he knew straight away the cat wasnt sick.

we argued and he literally wouldnt let me go for about three hours. then he took my phone when i tried to call for help. at this point i was physically hitting him, scratching him, anything to try to get away. he didnt touch me or threaten me in any way even though i really provoked him, just wouldnt let me go.

in the end i agreed to talk to him because i'd tried everything else. we sat down, had dinner and we talked some more. i kept telling him that by holding me there he was doing more damage than letting me go home.

in the end i went to bed in the spare bedroom because i've been really sick for the past few days and couldnt take the arguing/trip home. when i woke up he took me and the cats home.

i know this is no excuse but i honestly think he's having a breakdown. i've tried to help him but i dont want to put myself in any danger. he says he'd never hurt me but these things build up, its starts like this and progresses. its got to the stage where i'm scared of him and i really shouldnt be.

i dont understand any of this, for the four years i've known him, three of which as friends and this past year and half long relationship he has always been so mild mannered and gentle.

 

[loveysmummy]

So, where do you think things will go from here?
Have you made any decisions?
I also want to add that I am happy you are safe at home and that he didn't touch you in a violent way...though this is still no excuse in my mind as he did manage to still control you.
Do you really feel in love with him?

Sorry to be asking such personal questions, but I feel connected to this whole situation and would like it to turn out positive for you.

 

[maverick_kitten]

i really wish i could answer these things but i just dont know. i dont see how a person can change so much in a week.

if i try to rationalise/justify things then i'm worried that i'm just making excuses for him. even today he was telling me lie after lie.

he tells me he needs me and he's going through such a tough time since his grandma died.

of course i love him, i wish to god i didnt. life would be so much easier if we onoly cared for people who wouldnt hurt us.

so confused.

 

[home.slice]

*edit i should read everything before i post.

don't let him sucker you into listening to him at this point. you know what he is doing to you and you know exactly how he is treating you. i was in the exact same relationship in the past and it was so draining and emotionally abusive that it killed my self-esteem.

don't listen to him anymore. you don't need any stress. it isn't worth it. it just isn't. things at this point cannot be fixed for you two.

please let him go.

 

[home.slice]

I've read some more of this thread.

Please just get out of this. My ex boyfriend would blow up at me about something he lied to me about. He would scream and yell at me. He'd call me a *****, a ****, worthless, he'd try to throw me out of his house in the middle of the night (in a different city then mine... and the train wasn't running at 3am). If he wa making breakfast, and it didn't turn out like he wanted he would throw it on the floor and blame me for something that had to do with it. Then he'd start crying telling me a sob story about how he is bi-polar, or that he doesn't know what he is saying when he gets mad, or that his mom was sick and the stress made him lash out at me. Or he'd say he was worried a bout him sick grandma, or how if he grandmother hadn't died he wouldn't be this way, etc. He'd tell me that he wanted to marry me and he'd never hurt me again - and he ALWAYS did.

Your bf needs help and you CAN'T help him. His problems are way beyond your help. Please understand that. You can do much better.

PS I'm only 22 myself.

 

[vettechstudent]

You need to RUN not walk away from this guy and do NOT look back.
Once the abuse starts it only gets worse not better.Trust me.
He may say he will change and never do it again blah blah blah....I have heard that crap so many times it makes me sick.I myself am going through some stuff(which I will not go into right now)and yes it is hard to make the decision to leave,but it is for the best and your life may depend on it.Please listen to what we are all telling you and leave his sorry butt.Do NOT take his calls and get a protection order if you have to,but you need to get away from him NOW.
You deserve better than this.You are a pretty girl and will not have a problem finding a man who will love and respect you.
Good luck.

 

[maverick_kitten]

he told me he knows he's never hit me so i told him last week he 'knew' he'd never threaten or scare me.

i've known him for four years now and he has been nothing but sweet, kind and gentle in those four years. i dont know whats come over him.

does this mean that maybe he's just reacting to stress or he always had this in him?

i'm so confused, so much has happened so quickly.

 

[cjandbilly]

Originally Posted by maverick_kitten

he told me he knows he's never hit me so i told him last week he 'knew' he'd never threaten or scare me.

i've known him for four years now and he has been nothing but sweet, kind and gentle in those four years. i dont know whats come over him.

does this mean that maybe he's just reacting to stress or he always had this in him?

i'm so confused, so much has happened so quickly.

Stressed or not, his behavior is unacceptable. I know he's going through a rough time, but cornoring you, forcing you to stay... Nicky, it's all gonna get worse. That's all I can say. I hope that you make the right decision!

Sending prayers,
Cassie

 

[vettechstudent]

Originally Posted by maverick_kitten

does this mean that maybe he's just reacting to stress or he always had this in him?

It doesn't matter if he is reacting to stress or not.He should NEVER EVER put his hands on you like that.And now that he has done it it will continue to get worse.What is going to happen every time he gets a little stressed????It WILL get worse and every time he does it he will make it out to be your fault and eventually you will start believing it.Just get away from him and let him destress some other way rather than putting his hands on you.

 

[maverick_kitten]

seeing this all written down its obvious what i should do but in reality its a lot harder. i dont feel ready to leave it yet (maybe because all this has happened in just over a week) but i'm scared its gonna take something bigger to make me call it a day. seriously, whats wrong with me?

i wish there was an 'ask jeeves' function where he would tell yo how to sort your life out.

 

[vettechstudent]

Originally Posted by maverick_kitten

seeing this all written down its obvious what i should do but in reality its a lot harder. i dont feel ready to leave it yet (maybe because all this has happened in just over a week) but i'm scared its gonna take something bigger to make me call it a day. seriously, whats wrong with me?

i wish there was an 'ask jeeves' function where he would tell yo how to sort your life out.

Yes,it is easier said than done,trust me I know all about that(all too well,unfortunately).I just hope you realize what kind of person he really is before he ends up seriously hurting you,or worse.

 

[cjandbilly]

Originally Posted by maverick_kitten

seeing this all written down its obvious what i should do but in reality its a lot harder. i dont feel ready to leave it yet (maybe because all this has happened in just over a week) but i'm scared its gonna take something bigger to make me call it a day. seriously, whats wrong with me?

i wish there was an 'ask jeeves' function where he would tell yo how to sort your life out.

I know it will be hard, but you seriously need to consider leaving him as soon as possible. What if he flips out again, and really hurts you, Nicky? I have heard of abusive men putting women into ICU, comas, and even in the morgue! You really need to think of your safety, here. Please, consider what we have all said.

 

[KitEKats4Eva!]

And not only what everyone else has said, now that he has abused you (and he has, even if it wasn't technically `hitting') and you have accepted it and taken him back and his apologies, he will think he can get away with it and it will just get worse. I put up with that kind of behaviour from my husband for five years before I finally left. All his apologies and everything always sucked me back in. I can't tell you how happy I am now, with a new and beautiful boyfriend who would NEVER hurt me, and free from the ex forever. And all this happened in less than six months after me leaving him! It can and will happen for you, too, Nicky, and the less time you waste in this destructive and hurtful and dangerous situation the better.

In the end of course it's up to you, but PLEASE try to be strong and do what's best for you.

 

[guptgupt]

get it over with ! no good living with liars

 

[home.slice]

Originally Posted by maverick_kitten

i've known him for four years now and he has been nothing but sweet, kind and gentle in those four years. i dont know whats come over him.

does this mean that maybe he's just reacting to stress or he always had this in him?

Unfortunately, it doesn't really matter now how he was THEN. What is important is how he is NOW. It doesn't matter if he is just reacting to stress or not. Either way it is completely unacceptable. I don't think you'd want to be around if he got stressed out again and this was his reaction.

 

[KitEKats4Eva!]

My ex-husband used to react to stress by ignoring me for days on end and then throwing something at me and then acting as if nothing had happened, and then buying me something and apologising. Nice one. That's if he wasn't drinking or smoking pot. And I put up with it for seven years! When we first met he was the sweetest, kindest, most caring, loving man in the world. After we were married he changed into someone completely different and never changed back again. I caught glimpses of what he USED to be like from time to time, and that's what kept me sucked in for so long.

My current partner reacts to stress by phoning me and telling me he's stressed, that he loves me, and could he have some space for a bit? Then when he's over it he is back to his usual beautiful self. A much more harmless, thoughtful and kind way of dealing with things. It causes no self-doubt, no fear and no pain.

You can have this too, Nicky, and it sounds to me as though you completely deserve someone to treat with all the love and kindness and gentleness you need. Get rid of this man. He is not going to change and even if he did, he is not going to do it while he has this power-play going on with you. Find someone who loves you like they should. Or better still - be single for a while and enjoy being young and free, to live your life the way you want to and not be answerable to anyone but yourself. It is so liberating and exhilerating, and you deserve it.

 

[fwan]

nicky,
Men can be gentle and sweet untill a point in their life that they burst out their true selves.
ANd this is what your bf and many other men have turned out to be.
IT doesnt matter what race he is any man is abusive and they turn out thisway.
If there wasnt so much stress on him now it would come out later

 

[rosiemac]

Nicky i've already said this to you in my pm this morning..............

It's called "Mind Games!!!"

Just promise us all this?, if you go back to him, PLEASE!, leave the cats at home!.

 

[katie=^..^=]

When I was 7-years-old, my mom married an abusive man. Before she married him he was charming, fun, kind, and helpful. The very next day he beat her.

By the time they had been married 6 months I knew the drill. A period of peace, followed by an inexplicable beating (usually on payday), followed by a period of remorse and vows to never do it again -- then a repeat of the period of peace, etc.

I couldn't understand why my mother repeatedly fell for the remorse, etc.

This is the pattern of abusers, so be very careful. It is rare for the pattern to be broken, and then usually only with professional help. Don't expect your guy to be the exception, expect him to be the rule. It's hard to recognize that what you thought you had is gone, but it is. No matter how much it hurts to break up, it will hurt more to stay with him.