Originally Posted by valanhb
Hopefully what I say here won't make anyone too mad here, but I have to say.... Some of the things in this thread are a load of malarky! I agree that in a PROFESSIONAL relationship it isn't a good idea to "snoop" in others' emails, but in a personal relationship when given permission to do it and particularly in a relationship that has had issues in the past...You Betcha it's going to happen! And if you say you wouldn't you've either never been in a situation like that, or you want to bury your head in the sand. My husband has access to my computer all day long, and I wouldn't care if he read every one of my emails because I have nothing to hide (he'd be bored to tears after about 3, though). He's going away for the weekend, and while he'll turn off his computer I will still have access to it, and all the passwords are in there. I could check it if I wanted to, and he couldn't say boo about it.
Also, joining a sexually explicit dating site is not just being a typical guy. I could buy that if it was just an explicit site, but not a dating site. Even if he wasn't interested in having a face-to-face relationship with someone else, the fact is that these sites promote interaction with another real life person for sexual gratification - whether that be in chat, via email, or in person. That is the reason for joining. Is having cyber-sex any less cheating emotionally than meeting in a seedy motel? If he was joining for any other reason, he (a) would have told you, and/or (b) would have had a viable explanation when you found it instead of blaming YOU for doing what he said you could!
Nicky, I have to agree with the others. Run, don't walk, away from this relationship! If he had shown ANY remorse, perhaps it would be different, but the fact that he's blaming you, and trying to make you feel guilty speaks novels about his intentions...
I think the point is that it's a site designed to meet people, not just a site to look at porn. If it were just porn it would be a different story, but signing up for a dating site while you've been in a 1 1/2 year long relationship is just crossing the line.Originally Posted by brianlojeck
Take this for what it's worth. I'm a dude, so I think I speak from some experience.
Nearly ALL GUYS at some point in their lives, sign up for a sex dating website. Ever poke your head into an expensive shoe store, even though you know you can't buy anything? That's about the same mental state. Most guys sign up, run a search or two, say "boy, that's a nice pair of shoes, but I can't buy them right now", and go on with their lives.
As a network admin I have worked on computers belonging to almost every imaginable race, creed, income, social rank, and sexual preference of guy out there, and THERE IS ALWAYS PORN ON A GUY'S COMPUTER. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. That in itself does not mean much towards his loyalty or honesty.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dump him, I'm just saying you shouldn't dump him because of that email you found.
I would buy his ass a copy of Hooked On Phonics though...
I don't think the biggest problem here is the porn, not that it's not a problem in some cases. It's the lies and the fact that this isn't just a porn site but a dating site and how nasty he was in that e-mai. There are plenty of sites that you can sign up to watch porn without it being a dating site and he chose to sign up for one that offers dating? Don't you think that is disrespectful to their relationship?Originally Posted by brianlojeck
Take this for what it's worth. I'm a dude, so I think I speak from some experience.
Nearly ALL GUYS at some point in their lives, sign up for a sex dating website. Ever poke your head into an expensive shoe store, even though you know you can't buy anything? That's about the same mental state. Most guys sign up, run a search or two, say "boy, that's a nice pair of shoes, but I can't buy them right now", and go on with their lives.
As a network admin I have worked on computers belonging to almost every imaginable race, creed, income, social rank, and sexual preference of guy out there, and THERE IS ALWAYS PORN ON A GUY'S COMPUTER. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. That in itself does not mean much towards his loyalty or honesty.
I'm not saying you shouldn't dump him, I'm just saying you shouldn't dump him because of that email you found.
I would buy his ass a copy of Hooked On Phonics though...
if you found he'd been contacting these women, I'd say you had a real problem, but if he's the typical male 16 year old kid (I think I remember you're 16, yes?) he's just looking to see some t*tties...Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
just to make this clear it was an explicit dating site- you post naked photos of yourself and tell everyone your sexual preferences, email address and sometimes a home phone number. but to his credit i didnt find a profile for him.
Then rest easy in the knowledge that he (most likely)was just looking at porn.Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
porn i have no problem with. everyone does it, even my mother has admitted she saw a porno in college- lol.
That just means he liked the porn. (again, most likely, I'm just working from my general knowledge of male-itude).Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
also the thing that got me was he'd read the email but hadnt deleted it. that to me showed so sort of intent as there was no other junk email in his inbox (that i noticed).
it makes sense, but it's a very femine way of thinking. All men know they have "an option". We don't generally plan and test to see if we do.Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
i dont think it was a case of he was planning to do anything but he wanted to know he had the option if he wanted to (does that make sense?)
He was embarassed. He's not used to dealing with girls any more then you are dealing with boys, he got scared, and he circled the wagons. He may be an ass, and you may be looking to dump him (I don't know either of you well enough to say), but this website in itself isn't that big of a deal.Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
the thing is if he had just admitted to joining the dam thing and said why he did it i probably wouldnt mind so much.
if he met any of these women I'll bring the rope to his hanging, but the chances are he was just looking around.Originally Posted by fwan
I am okay with bf looking at porn, but meeting a girl for it? no way
Just because the site offers dating doesn't mean he was looking for dating. There are a lot of sites with porn on them, but... how can I put this... maybe he was looking for a different "flavor" of porn. (the spackle-makeup-cgi-perfection of a Playboy shot vs. Lawanna in the trailer park with her cellphone camera).Originally Posted by graykittenlove
There are plenty of sites that you can sign up to watch porn without it being a dating site and he chose to sign up for one that offers dating? Don't you think that is disrespectful to their relationship?
Nicky when i say it takes a lot to shock me, i mean a lot!, and porn itself doesn't make me bat an eyelid or drop my jaw in disgust, and a site like that still wouldn't shock me, but makes me try to fathom out why someone would go onto that sort of site?!.Originally Posted by maverick_kitten
just to make this clear it was an explicit dating site- you post naked photos of yourself and tell everyone your sexual preferences, email address and sometimes a home phone number. but to his credit i didnt find a profile for him.