I was "assaulted." (Use caution while reading if you're in a vulnerable place.)

[laureen227]

to me, the feeling that you had to forgive God is normal - after all, He is a parent. if you were a child, & this happened, you'd blame your parent [to some extent] for not being able to prevent/stop it. not logical, not reasonable - but totally understandable from an emotional viewpoint.

i actually think it's harder, because we know, rationally, that our human parents are just that - human. we know, intellectually, that they simply cannot prevent or stop the evil things from happening to us. it's harder with God, because He is capable of doing such a thing, and sometimes does - but, because "Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, "; we can't see why He makes the choices He does.

not to compare to your situation, but i've wrestled with this concept since july 2009. i chose to resign my teaching position because i felt convicted that God wanted me elsewhere. i got no calls for interviews last summer - i had only applied to districts w/in a commuting distance.

this year, i applied EVERYWHERE - all over Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana - because i simply couldn't afford another year w/o a job [& neither could my parents!]. thus, i ended up moving, after 11 years, to a new place.

i hated moving, hated even more having to rehome/foster 3 of the cats

- but all indications are that this job will be a VAST improvement over my last. so God knew what He was doing, even tho i couldn't see why.

i'll continue for you, because i think that the act of forgiveness & your justifiable anger are both strong indicators that you have begun the healing process.

 

[c1atsite]

To me, the freezing up is understandable. As well as the mental effects.

I pray any professional help you receive will be a major help. The assault on your body and the assault on your personality at the same time - It can cause mental and emotional haywire in lots of women. And it makes me a little batty some people in my life have hinted maybe I should try changing my nice/sweet vibe, like maybe I should try giving off "less of a nice vibe" when I'm outside. Yikes. Why should I do that, I think. If we wanna be sunny/sweet/true to ourselves/etc, that's our choice, right? Why should barbarians force me to change the way I carry myself, my vibe, including my face? And then I wonder, well, is there some truth in their advice??

Then I think "ughhh, maybe" and brace myself for mental haywire.

Alison, from your posts/online vibe, I sense you're very sweet naturally --that's why I've written this as possibly an issue to bring up in therapy or where ever you see fit to discuss it.

 

[alicatjoy]

I don't know why I'm continuing this thread. I don't know even if I should. Maybe if I stop writing, I will forget. Maybe if I stop writing, it will cease to exist. The bruises are fading. Why isn't the memory? And, if my memory did fade, would that be what's best? For me? For others? For the ones who did this? Even days later, even almost a week later...I'm still as confused. I still don't understand the why behind it all. There has to be a reason, right? And, if that's the case, why am I the last to know?

Today was the worst day since it all began. I mean, just like every day, there were moments of light. I know growth continues -- even when I'm curled up in a ball on my sofa, but, today, it hurt. Today it was painful. I met with the sketch artist this morning. And, when we were sitting there for an hour, then two, it became apparent that I had become withdrawn. I went into the appointment scared, but willing to do what needed to be done. But, when it came down to it, I couldn't. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. And, I couldn't remember. The artist said that I could come back another day. She said that my reaction wasn't abnormal. She said that the first session is always the most difficult and doesn't always yield results. The artist said it was okay. The police did too. I'm scheduled for a second appointment tomorrow afternoon. But, I'm scared. What if I fail again? I don't want to let anyone down. And, more importantly, I don't want to let me down. Not again, anyhow.

I spoke with my counselor again today -- both before and after my appointment with the sketch artist and police. She tried to tell me that it was okay, that what happened was normal given the circumstances. Everyone says it's normal, but nothing about this or what happened is normal. We moved our appointment up for next week. And, she gave me an additional contact number for the local rape crisis center hotline. She said I could call anytime. She didn't care if I called her or the crisis hotline, but she made me promise I'd call. Of course I will. I know she's worried. I know I'm not doing well. But, given the situation, would anyone be doing well? I understand it's a process. And, I know most everyone around me understands that as well...I just didn't think this time would be so hard. Apparently, I was mistaken.

Despite everything, I went out to dinner this evening with my roommate and a couple of close friends. (For whatever reason, everyone wants to take me to eat. I guess it's because they know I have an eating disorder that I'm recovering from, but, still, everything I do with friends now centers around food.) I know that, while I'd prefer to stay holed up in the house, in bed, snuggling with the kitties and the dogs, I need to get out of my comfort zone and fight back. I thought I was okay with going out, but I was sick in bed all day due to my anxiety. My stomach hurt so much. My head always hurts now -- no sleep, not enough food or fluids. It's just hard. But, I did it anyway. I got dressed, I fixed my hair, I put on some mascara and lip gloss. On the outside, I looked normal. But, on the inside, I was a mess. There were moments of lightness and laughter, but beneath it all was a sense of sadness and fear. In time, I suspect that part will lessen, but, for now, it's still a lot to bear.

When it comes down to it, today was another day down. It was another day full of memories, guilt, shame, and pain. But, it was another chance for growth, strength, hope, and faith. What happened was terrible, but there is good too. Maybe my story will help someone else. Maybe the men who did this will be caught. Maybe it will prevent another "assault" in the store. I don't know. But, that's why I continue to write. That's why I continue to share. If the memories fade, this will have all been for naught. What good would that be? I may still be confused and sad and overwhelmed, but I am also strong and willing and able. Maybe that's enough.

Thank you to everyone who still reads this and who still prays, sends vibes, or offers support. I may not respond to each of you, but I appreciate you all. Your stories have helped me. Hopefully, in time, mine will help others. Thank you for allowing me to be here, to be safe here. If you've ever been in a similar situation, you know how important that is. And, if you haven't, thank God, you still know. We all do. Thank you...

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Wow; what a terrible situation they have put you in.

You are in my prayers. I will pray that the Holy Spirit brings you peace and heals your wounds. Just take things a little at a time; things WILL get better! *hugs*

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by Alison Joy

She said that my reaction wasn't abnormal. She said that the first session is always the most difficult and doesn't always yield results. The artist said it was okay. The police did too. I'm scheduled for a second appointment tomorrow afternoon. But, I'm scared. What if I fail again? I don't want to let anyone down. And, more importantly, I don't want to let me down. Not again, anyhow.

I spoke with my counselor again today -- both before and after my appointment with the sketch artist and police. She tried to tell me that it was okay, that what happened was normal given the circumstances. Everyone says it's normal, but nothing about this or what happened is normal.

hon, they mean your reactions are normal, not the event itself.

 

[addiebee]

Originally Posted by Alison Joy

I don't know what I'm going to write. I don't know what to think, say, or do. I don't know much of anything. What I do know is that I'm exhausted -- physically and emotionally. But, nonetheless, I wanted to come back to this thread and check in.

One of my friends pressed me to go out to dinner with her this evening. I knew it was not a good decision. I knew I was too emotional, too uncomfortable, too overwhelmed. But, she pushed me until I relented. Actually, she came to my house and picked me up despite my repeatedly telling her that I thought it best for me to stay home. She told me it was time to "get over it." When I explained why that didn't feel like a viable option, she just insisted I could "decide to forget." Her intentions were good. I know staying at home and hiding myself away is not the answer, but it's only been a couple of days and I'm still struggling so much. And, truth be told, my discussion with her only served to help me continue to feel powerless and taken advantage of. Again, I know that she cares about me and was doing what she felt was in my best interest. I'm frustrated, but not angry with her. However, it wasn't a good decision then and became even more terrible a decision as the night wore on.

And, so, I went out to dinner. I preemptively took a Valium (at the advice of my physician), but I remained extremely anxious and uncomfortable. I shook and trembled the entire time and had difficulty being in the crowded restaurant. I was constantly looking about the room and I never fully settled down. And, there were a couple of times where I almost jumped out of my skin. Eating was also difficult, but that's another issue and another story altogether. I found myself in tears mid-meal and had to excuse myself to go to the restroom. I called my counselor and we talked for a few minutes, but it was difficult and she agreed that I allowed myself to go into such a situation too soon after the "assault." I cried again as we left and was a wreck by the time I returned home. I talked with my roommate, though, and I'm doing better now. But, I should have listened to my gut instinct tonight instead of trying to please my friend.

It wasn't all bad, though. I did get through the night despite feeling uncomfortable, frightened, and shamed. And, I am planning on a short outing tomorrow to the pet store with my roommate. I'm certainly not comfortable doing more than that, but it's a start. I may be struggling right now, but I am not going to allow myself to live in fear. I'm still scared and I know that I might be for a while, but I do know that I need to take action so that I don't remain a victim. I was victimized, but I'm not going to allow them the power over me to force me to remain a victim. It's not easy and I know it's going to be hard for some time, but I am willing to work toward the end goal -- and that goal is to move past (not forget, but move past) what happened to me. This situation has triggered in me the memories of past situations and abuses and so I'm really in emotional pain and turmoil. But, it has to get better. And, in time, it will.

I still feel shame and guilt. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know it was them and not me. I know I'm carrying around their guilt and shame as my own. But, I can't help it right now. Intellectually, I understand all that, but, emotionally, that's a different story. I wish I could tell you all that I'm better and that I'm no longer having a hard time. But, the truth is that I don't think this will go away overnight. I am really sad, I am really scared, I am really ashamed, and I am really overwhelmed. I wish I wasn't and that I could just "decide to forget" or "get over it," but it's too soon. The wounds are too fresh. The hurt is too much. I hope you're not disappointed in me...

I am planning on talking with my counselor again tomorrow morning. I'm going to be checking in with her every day by phone until I see her next week. And, hopefully, by then, I will have a better handle on everything and we'll be able to go from there. And, as I said earlier, I am planning on a short outing with support from my roommate. We'll see how that goes as well. I'm trying, I really am. But, the memory of Saturday night is so vivid and I can remember him touching me in all the places one should never be touched withour explicit permission. I felt so violated. I still do. As for a lawyer, I'm not doing anything until I talk to the police next. It's all so much to process -- I don't know if I could go there just yet. What's important is that I'm trying my best. I really am. Please know that I am. I just feel like I've let everyone down.

I am okay. I am okay as I can be. But, regardless of that, I do have hope and I do have faith. And, that's probably the most important thing of all. Thank you all for your continued support, kindness, and care. It breaks my heart that so many of us have gone through such terrible experiences. But, the strength and kindness you are offering me is heartwarming. I promise I will pay it forward when I can.

OK - see the boldfaced part above. THIS IS NOT COOL. Do NOT let someone bully you with their so-called good intentions. It was about what SHE wanted - not what was good for YOU. "Get over it"??? "Decide to forget??"

I am sure she wouldn't feel that way if it happened to HER. Keep fighting and talking to people who KNOW what to say and how to help you handle the situation.

 

[libby74]

Sweetie, my heart just aches for you.
The hurt, shame, guilt, and fear you're feeling are all normal. And you will recover from this, but it's going to take time. Don't try to hurry things along to make everyone else more comfortable. Take as long as you need to heal.
I hope you have good luck with the sketch artist today. You're helping to find the scum that did this to you. More than likely, they are still out there doing this to other women. You can help the police find them. I know you can do this---I KNOW it.
We're all here for you, please don't forget that. Can you feel the vibes coming your way? Grab onto them, hon.

 

[mrblanche]

Victimizers since time immemorial (see the Bible!) have depended on these natural reactions to keep them safe from prosecution. What really angers me is that their lawyers purposely use it to get their stinking clients off.

I have never told anyone, but I was abducted and molested when I was young, about 5, in a department store. I was lucky he at least returned me to the original store he took me from, so my mother eventually found me. Yes, it leaves wounds that no one can see for the rest of your life. This is the first time I have ever told anyone, and it is a painful memory, to say the least.

I would be tempted to stake out the store where this happened to you and watch for a return performance. That is the pattern of such guys.

 

[carolina]

Originally Posted by mrblanche

Victimizers since time immemorial (see the Bible!) have depended on these natural reactions to keep them safe from prosecution. What really angers me is that their lawyers purposely use it to get their stinking clients off.

I have never told anyone, but I was abducted and molested when I was young, about 5, in a department store. I was lucky he at least returned me to the original store he took me from, so my mother eventually found me. Yes, it leaves wounds that no one can see for the rest of your life. This is the first time I have ever told anyone, and it is a painful memory, to say the least.

I would be tempted to stake out the store where this happened to you and watch for a return performance. That is the pattern of such guys.

 

[taryn]

This is one of the reasons I wish concealed carry was legal everywhere. I've lived in NV and TX(concealed carry are legal in both) and I am for it. Even though not armed I always felt more comfortable because people were less likely to mess with you.

If legal I'd have a license.

I doubt I'd ever pull it even if legal but I'd just feel more comfortable that if I got in a situation I could deal with it. I'm 5'6" and about 100 lbs soaking wet so it wouldn't take much to overpower me and I know it.

I personally think guys like this should be dragged into the street and shot but that's just me. I'm not big on sickos, especially when their lawyers get them off claiming you were asking for it or 'mental illness.' I'm bi-polar so for the most part mental illness doesn't play with me. I think it needs to be changed from 'not guilty by reason of insanity' to 'guilty but insane.' There is nothing scarier than a criminally insane person loose on the streets. They have sex offenders here listed that they are extra dangerous because due to mental defect or illness they don't realize that what they do is wrong, just what the world needs, these people are loose on the street.

Stay strong, you can get through it. Take your time to heal.

Taryn

 

[python]

I haven't read through the whole post, just your post and a few others.

What a horrible thing to happen to you.

I agree with others. You must seek professional help if you haven't already done so.

It might also help if you enrol in a good Martial Arts school that teaches Street Self-Defence. This will give you confidence and teach you how to get out of/control a similar situation if, God forbid, something like that happens again.

It will also teach you to keep a clear head in a crisis. I say this as a 1st Kyu Brown Belt in Karate (next belt is Black Belt) and a former taxi driver. I did have an ugly situation with 5 rather large men (I am only 5ft tall and weigh just 6 1/2 stone) in the middle of nowhere. Because I'd been well trained, I kept a cool head though it did turn very nasty and I had to physically defend myself until the police arrived. I did turn the tables on two of them - one limped away and the other ended up with a broken cheekbone, the other three decided to stand well back so being able to defend yourself works.

I really hope you can put this horrid experience behind you.

Sending healing your way

 

[rianna]

I'm so sorry this happened to you...

You may feel like you're out of control, but you aren't. You made the decision to come forward and go to the police and confront the store, even if it was after the assault. You have come forward and that takes courage. The anxiety attached to this situation may feel like it's overwhelming... but you have done the right thing by pursuing this so the creep can never do this to another person.

As painful as a reminder this thread is of that awful event, you should know that so many support you and believe you can overcome this.

 

[alicatjoy]

I've been purposely avoiding this thread. I thought that I would be able to forget if I pretended as if nothing happened that night. I thought my feelings would disappear and I would be able to turn back time and let go of the memory and the emotions the situation brought up. But, no matter what I try, I can't forget. It did happen. I was victimized. I am hurting. And, so, I've returned to this thread. Reluctantly, perhaps...but, I'm here regardless...

I've met with the sketch artist a number of times now and still cannot seem to focus. As soon as we begin talking, my strong facade crumbles and I find myself in a heap on the floor with tears in my eyes. My next appointment with the sketch artist is later this week. And, the police have relented and will be allowing me to bring an individual with me for comfort and support. I meet with my counselor face-to-face tomorrow and will see if she is available. I had considered asking my roommate, but I think she is struggling seeing me so upset. She has said time and again that she feels powerless to help me and that it breaks her heart to see me so "broken." And, while I know she would support me regardless of how she felt, I think it's better that someone who has some emotional distance from me comes. My therapist can be that person and I know she will make arrangements if need be. And, I've also spoken with the police and their schedule can be made flexible as well. I'm not sure why this has become such a terrifying prospect for me, but having a picture to place with the memory frightens me. I almost don't want to see his face, their faces. I don't want to remember everything. But, if I want justice, I have no choice. And, when I feel like giving up, the thought that I may be able to prevent what happened to me from happening to someone else keeps me trudging along.

I've been speaking daily with my counselor and, despite my still being deeply affected by what happened, things are beginning to become easier. I am now able to leave the house and even go into stores and shopping centers. I'm not at a point where I can do these things alone, but I have been able to venture outside of my comfort zone when with someone who I consider to be safe (ie. my roommate or a close friend). I still feel a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety in such situations, but I can move through my emotions. There have been a couple of instances where I have started crying or become suddenly agitated or panicked, but I have learned to accept that I'm healing. I'm trying to be gentle toward myself, but it's difficult -- especially since I still blame myself and carry so much guilt and shame over what happened to me. What is important, however, is that I'm making progress. However small, I am still moving forward. I was victimized, but I am not going to allow myself to become a victim. So, I am doing all that I can in order to heal. And, that involves working with myself, working with my therapist, and working with the police (in that order). It's still incredibly painful, but I am doing it. And, that's what matters most.

Aside from leaving the comfort of the house and having to work with the authorities, the biggest obstacles I am having to overcome now are being able to sleep and being able to eat. The overnight has become a time of terror for me. I am restless, have anxiety and panic attacks, and am fearful. I find it hard to sleep and, when I do finally fall asleep, I am jolted awake by nightmares. The dreams aren't necessarily specific to what happened, but they are haunting nonetheless. And, with a prior history of abuse, the nighttime was already difficult. My psychiatrist upped my medications in an effort to calm me and both help me fall asleep and stay asleep, but they are not working as well as I'd have hoped. I am noticing an improvement, though, and so he wants me to continue on (and I am continuing to work with him, my counselor, and my physician on this matter). The talk therapy I do should also help. But, I figure it will just take time. It's only been slightly over a week since the event and I am still so shaken by it. I know that my reactions, in many ways, are normal, but they are still difficult to accept. Eating is another issue altogether and is something I am working on, but, again, troublesome at the moment. However, what I didn't have before was hope. And, for today, I am hopeful that things can and will get better, easier over time.

I'm not sure what else to say or what to write. So much of what I've already shared has been posted numerous times before in this thread. I don't want to become redundant. A couple of people in my life have suggested I'm just "being dramatic" and need to "get over it," but it's not that simple. Or, is it? Sometimes I think I know, but, other times, I'm more confused than ever. Regardless, though, I appreciate the continued kindness and support you have all offered. It truly does mean the world to me. Thank you...really, thank you...

 

[libby74]

Sweetie, you're doing fine. As so many people have told you, this is going to take time. Be gentle with yourself; your past history of abuse has (IMO) a lot to do with what you're going thru. Don't let anyone push you to "get over it"; it's just not that simple.
One day at a time, dear.

 

[sisu]

I am not going to say i am so sorry. For 2 reasons.

1. I am unable to pity you. Because you survived. It is all anyone can do in a situation like that. You survived and you never forget that.

2. I didn't do this to you. An apology from me would be.... ridiculous for you completely meaningless and entirely pointless.

I do empathize with you though. When i was 19 i was beaten and raped in my own bed in my own dorm room. I fought like hell we were on the third floor and in the end i am just barely over 5 feet and a hundred pounds and he was twice my size atleast. He had my neck and my back was against the window pane. I don't talk about this very often. I got every test in the world afterwards... I cancelled my weekend trip home and waited till the bruising was gone. I couldn't face my family.

But i understand you always say something like that crap you see on tv ever happens to me i won't be the fool who gets abused i won't let this happen to me. I will DO something about it.... Easier said than done... After the fact he left me there in my shredded clothing bleeding and battered in my own bed in in my own vomit. I only know how long i just layed there because my friend downstairs had a calendar in his room and he told me the date when he finally found me there like that. He thought i was dead. He had to bust int he door it was locked from the inside but you could still open it from the inside but no one on the outside could open it.... So he busted it in. And he freaked out and came to check my pulse apparently and he says i attacked him. I know i did because when i recognized him, i asked him what happened to his face. He had long scratch marks on them.... From me evidently. I had fought so hard and lain there in my own vomit for 2 days till he came in finally realizing something was wrong. He got a blanket from his room he wrapped me up in it and he carried me downstairs. I spent 2 weeks living at the foot of his bed. I would have died but he brought me food.... I just showered and showered for weeks and hid under the blanket for weeks... It wasn't the reaction i expected of myself at all. And i hated myself for years for reacting that way. I never pressed charges.... I never wanted anyone to know. I still don't talk about this often it makes me sick to this day. I can't focus on it for very long without becoming physically ill.

So listen to me carefully because what i am going to tell you, is going to be important to you. Don't give

s more of yourself than they have already taken. Don't let them impact your life. Don't change the way you live because of what they have done. You just keep doing as you have always done take proper normal precautions. But don't let these people change who you are. It's not about physical survival which is what all the councellors babble about you survived press charges. Yeh and i still wake up at night in a cold sweat wishing he had just killed me instead. It's about survival of *you* Who are you? Who do you want to be and what do you want to do with your life? How do you want to live? Don't let anyone take that from you. oh they can take your body and do whatever they want to it. That is just a fact of being born in a female body, doesn't mean you have to make it easy for them, and even if you do freeze which trust me i did too initially. We all do. It's shock. But don't let them change your identity who you are, because then even if your body survives what matters is gone. So you can survive this sounds like you have survived other horrible things in the past.

You survive and that guy is just a piece of garbage that couldn't even effectively commit a crime geared at dehumanizing a person. Anyone who can fail at something that simple where he has all the advantage will definately fail in life. Remember that to become such an asshat requires a life full of missery. And you thank the gods every day that that SOB suffered soooo much and will continue to suffer as clearly he is a piece of waste and you are not the only one to see that. Everyone knows that. But you on the other hand, you are not a victim of such a person. You are the survivor that hung onto yourself, and your life and the future you still have. And in time, it gets easier but it never ever goes away. If you need anyone to talk to i am here. And i understand.

 

[ldg]

Though I totally understand Sisu's point about not "being sorry," I feel differently. I am sorry, because of the impact what happened has had on you. And as your counselor and everyone else has pointed out, your reactions are normal. I also understand your reaction to all of that - nothing about this is normal.

I was raped in a foreign country at the age of 22. I froze. The thing that bothered me the most afterwards about what happened was that I did nothing to defend myself, and there was a glass bottle of water within reach I could have used to smash over the guy's head. I could have screamed. I could have done a lot of things. I didn't. I just wanted it over with. I was afraid.

I survived. I lived with fear and shame in shock. I was alone and scared and frozen. I blamed myself. It was so long ago I don't really remember how I made the transition, but I do remember thinking that I had to stop thinking about myself as a victim even though I felt like one. Then I got mad - and I worked on getting mad - and I think that's what helped me get past it. I was mad at myself, but I was also mad at my rapist. The anger helped me transition from victim to survivor, and that's the process you're going through right now.

In the end, I made it all the way to forgiving both myself and my rapist. Thought it wasn't some overnight transformation, I can look back now and see that that is when the emotional "residue" of the attack left me.

Those that said they'd have been screaming and would have not left the store without saying anything... perhaps they were assaulted and so know how they would react. But if they weren't, then all I have to say is they have no idea what they'd do. It's nice to believe we'll defend ourselves and stand up for ourselves. But the shock of the situation when it's happening is not something anyone can anticipate. I applaud those that were in such a situation and didn't freeze.

But most people DO freeze, and Alison, I don't know about you, but for me, the hardest part was dealing with the shame of what I didn't do, not so much what actually happened. (That came later).

I do believe that to get throught this it is important to be gentle with yourself, as Libby, puts it.

I also believe it is important to acknowledge as often as possible all of the empowering steps you have taken and continue to take, and to acknowledge the actions you did take. I'm sorry, I don't know who it was because it's on a different page, but you have the bruises to prove you DID fight back, even if you weren't aware of it at the time. And as Rianna pointed out, you feel like you are out of control, but you are taking steps to be in control. !!! It is so important that you find a way to acknowledge this. You have contacted the authorities and the store, you are actively in counseling, and you are doing your best to take the steps to help prevent this person from doing this to others.