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Very long post. Hi all I’m hoping for some advice. Last November I lost my cat Chance that I had had since I was 13, I’m now 23. We didn’t pick him we actually got him from my stepdads ex wife because she was moving to a place that didn’t allow cats. It was only supposed to be for 6 months but as soon as I met him I knew he was mine and she never asked for him back. I still remember our first night he slept on my head and I was laughing because anytime that I moved he would move and adjust too. He was my best friend and didn’t even seem like a cat to me, he was so human. All he wanted was to be with us and to love us. He came to live with my older sister and I in 2019 after I had been dealing with severe depression and getting to a very dark place. I didn’t want to have to come back to an empty apartment and be alone and Chance was always there for me happy to see me.
Chance had been diagnosed with stage 3 kidney disease in summer of 2020, I was absolutely devastated because the thought of not having him in my life was finally starting to become a reality. We did everything that we could for him and he had gone in for a senior wellness check 2 weeks before we had to put him to sleep and they said everything looked great and that his kidneys were doing really well. He unfortunately went into kidney failure unexpectedly and our vet recommended we put him to sleep. It was the hardest day of my life saying goodbye to my best friend that had truly saved my life. He was so much more than a cat to me, he was my soulmate and I swear it felt like I knew him in a previous life.
When he passed it also felt like the ending of my childhood. I think it also hit me harder because their weren’t any other pets in my family all of our pervious pets had overlapped and knew each other. We got our first dog when I was in 2nd grade, Charlie, then when my mom got remarried I was in 7th grade we inherited Bailey a very sweet older golden retriever. Charlie had to be put to sleep but he knew Bailey and we had Bailey to help us grieve. Then Chance came into the mix in 9th grade and was great friends with Bailey and when Bailey had to be put to sleep when I was in 11th grade Chance was there to help us. When Chance passed there were no other family pets. I hadn’t not had a pet since I was 7 or 8. I loved both Charlie and Bailey very deeply but I think I had the strongest connection to Chance. When we lost each dog I was incredibly sad for a few days but then I felt at peace. I am still crying over Chance and it’s been almost 3 months. It brings comfort to me that grief is just all the love that no longer has a place to go. I know how much he loved me and how special our bond was. Really the only good thing that came from covid was all the time I got to spend with him.
I started seeing a therapist who specializes in grief. I knew that my attachment to Chance was so incredibly intense, I loved him more than I think I’ve ever loved something before and I knew I needed help. I also knew how much I missed having that kind of bond with an animal. I started casually looking at dogs a few weeks after he had passed on petfinder. I initially felt like I would be disappointed if I got another cat. I found one dog that I really liked and applied for him. He was adopted the next day and it sent me into this manic of thinking no place would ever let me adopt a dog so I suddenly applied for a few more. I got asked to interview with one place about a dog and another approved my application. I wasn’t expecting to be approved and I ended up becoming extremely anxious and realized it was too soon and that I wasn’t ready. I also knew that I was interested in a small male dog since I live in an apartment in a city. But my boyfriend who I have been with for 2 1/2 years also wanted to get a dog and he was interested in a female medium size. He is currently switching careers and doesn’t want to get one until he is comfortable in a new job. We were getting into some arguments because I imagine that we will be living together in the next few years and whatever animal I picked now would become his I didn’t want to pick an animal that he wouldn’t really want.
Fast forward to the end of January. I started to feel like a cat fit more into my current lifestyle than a dog would. I knew that I will grieve the loss of Chance forever and that getting another cat didn’t mean that I can’t cry over Chance still. I started to look again casually this time at cats on petfinder. I found one that I felt a really strong connection to, his bio seemed great he didn’t look too much like Chance but the look in his eye definitely reminded me of him, there was also a photo of this cat with a golden retriever that brought back old memories for me. I applied for him and the organization got back to me a few days later asking if I wanted to set up a zoom call. They informed me the cat I originally applied for had been adopted but they had other similar cats. I explained my past with Chance and said that I was just looking for someone that genuinely loves being around people and likes dogs since I believed my boyfriend who I would be living with wants one. I said I was looking for a cat who could be my best friend. They told me about this 2 year old cat Fred that had just come in and wasn’t online yet. He came for a rural area of the state where shelters are underfunded and the euthanasia rate is 50%. He had gone up to someone’s house and was meowing to be let in. They said he was a total lap cat and like Velcro just wants to be around people. He sounded great and just like what I wanted they shared a photo where he looked so cute and curious. After talking to both my sister who I currently live with and my boyfriend I decided I wanted to move forward and adopt him. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or anxious and was excited at the thought of having a new member on my family. I did at times feel guilty when I was researching the best litters or toys for cats because I felt like I didn’t put in as much work for Chance but he was so easily happy and I was only 13 when we got him, I felt like my heart was ready to open back up again. I ordered everything I needed for this cat and started putting his things out so I could feel more prepared in the days leading up to getting him.
Due to covid we weren’t able to meet before. The organization I worked with was all foster based so they didn’t have a place for you to meet the cat. They told me they have a two week trial period so if for whatever reason things don’t work it’s ok and they can go back and be with another foster.
This past Tuesday night around 7 PM we picked him up from the main home where they do intakes and adoption with my sister and boyfriend. He unfortunately smelled really bad since he had just been neutered that day and accidentally peed in his carrier on the way back from the vet. They said they tried to clean him up as best they could but make cats that aren’t neutered young have really strong smelling urine, they said it should subside within the next few weeks.
They told us to keep him in one room the first night with his water and litter box so we kept him in our dinning room where we could keep the door closed. The smell was very intense but we hung out with him for a few hours before going to bed he was pretty chill and let us pick him up. They told us to feed him 1 tablespoon of dry food so he wouldn’t throw up, he absolutely devoured it and I figured it was because he hadn’t eaten anything. The next morning I gave him the normal portion that was recommended for his weight and he became almost manic when the food came out. I’ve noticed that all the traits they told me about with him being cuddly and rubbing seem to only come up when he thinks food is involved. He trys to steal our food as well. I was trying to do some research to see why he behaves this way and have a food insecurity or obsession and I think it has to be because of him being a stray and having to work hard to get food from people or not knowing when his next meal would be. I don’t blame him at all it completely makes sense I think I have disappointed that it seems like he is mostly interested in me for food.
I think the biggest problem is I didn’t feel that instant connection with him that I’ve experienced with all the other pets I’ve had it feels like I’m watching someone else cat. I feel so bad because Fred is a great cat he just doesn’t feel like my cat. The. I felt horrible night two because I asked my sister if she likes Fred and she started crying and said “it’s just weird to have another cat here.” I haven’t seen her cry over Chance since the day we had to put him to sleep. I started having a panic attack in the shower and I just had to get on the shower floor all that was going through my head was “I want Chance.”
I sent a long email to the organization about his behavior with food and they said we should set up a time to try and brainstorm a solution. They were super kind and understanding I ended up crying on the call when she asked me to explain more of what is going on. I explained how I felt that some of the affectionate traits were mostly based on wanting food and that he’s not really interested in me if there isn’t food. I said that it’s not that he’s a bad cat at all I’m just stressed and anxious about the two week period I have to decide. She gave me a suggestion on how to feed him based on how his foster had which I will be trying today. I then started crying a bit harder and apologized but said that I feel like my sister and I are having a bit of a difficult transition and harder time connecting with him than we had anticipated. She said that I was not alone or the first person to feel this way and that sometimes people lose a pet and think they are ready for another but it just makes them realize they miss their pervious pet even more. She said sometimes people have a pervious pet that sets the bar really high. It did make me feel a lot better to hear that I’m not alone in this and I know that I am not a horrible person. I do want Fred to be in the perfect home for him I’m just not sure if that’s me. I just never thought I would be a person that has to bring an animal back. I know this organization is really good and I like that it is all foster based so it’s not like he would end up in a cage in a shelter.
But even when I tell myself that the thought of having to him back also makes me upset. I hate having a deadline to make such an important decision. I feel like my gut has told me that I pulled the trigger too soon. The thought of having to hand him back to the shelter makes me so sad thinking about the car ride back and how he might think he did something wrong but when he is here I don’t feel that strongly towards him. I don’t know if it can grow over the next few days. He adjusted really quickly and felt comfortable with my sister boyfriend and I instantly so I don’t think it would be an issue for him to connect with more people. I keep crying and freaking out that I made the wrong choice.
I would obviously feel horrible for Fred he’s been through a lot already and he hasn’t done anything wrong it’s just my sister and I both feel fine towards him, we like him but we don’t love him. I’m so disappointed in myself not only would giving him back to be hard for me emotionally I know it would be hard on my sister too. Fred should be with someone that loves him so unconditionally the way I loved Chance, I really never thought that this would be an issue for me and that I wouldn’t feel love for my animal. I feel bad I have wasted this organization time, I really believed I was ready. I really have been trying I know that I am trying so hard to feel it but it’s just not happening yet. I don’t want to force Fred to hang out with me and he isn’t hiding or anything he’s just chilling and not super interested in me. I kept my door open last night and it I was really sad that he didn’t come in. I kept thinking about how his description said “he’s a total lap cat invited or not. If you go to bed he’s going to bed and has no understanding of personal space boundaries.” This was what his foster had written about him and she has only had him for a week or so.
I think my expectations where set too high by Chance. I didn’t expect Fred to be a carbon copy of Chance but I did think that I would have the connection right away that I’ve felt with my 3 previous pets. I just thought that was how it worked. Obviously over time those connections grew even stronger but I just haven’t felt that much for Fred. I realized that all my friends that have cats I have never really liked any of them that much. Its not that I don’t like them I always just thought I was because I didn’t know them as well and that they weren’t my cat. I’ve also felt this way toward some dogs as well although there have been others that I have really liked. I feel like I’ve been questioning now if I am a cat person or if I was a Chance person.
The bottom line is I don’t feel like this cat is mine I still have some time to decide see if it grows I like him but I don’t know. The organization is very understanding it was hard to not meet him before. Would I have picked him if we had met? I just feel horrible the thought of not seeing him again makes me sad but I don’t know if he’s the right one for me and if I’m right for him. I don’t know if any animal dog or cat would be right for me at this time when I think I’m still struggling with the loss of Chance. I’ve spent so much money on making sure this time my cat would have the absolute best of the best, if I were to give him back I want to sponsor his adoption and I would give them the nice scratcher I bought that he likes the toys litter food etc. I just feel so sad and I really thought this would make me feel better. I would truly appreciate hearing from anyone that has experienced something similar.
Chance had been diagnosed with stage 3 kidney disease in summer of 2020, I was absolutely devastated because the thought of not having him in my life was finally starting to become a reality. We did everything that we could for him and he had gone in for a senior wellness check 2 weeks before we had to put him to sleep and they said everything looked great and that his kidneys were doing really well. He unfortunately went into kidney failure unexpectedly and our vet recommended we put him to sleep. It was the hardest day of my life saying goodbye to my best friend that had truly saved my life. He was so much more than a cat to me, he was my soulmate and I swear it felt like I knew him in a previous life.
When he passed it also felt like the ending of my childhood. I think it also hit me harder because their weren’t any other pets in my family all of our pervious pets had overlapped and knew each other. We got our first dog when I was in 2nd grade, Charlie, then when my mom got remarried I was in 7th grade we inherited Bailey a very sweet older golden retriever. Charlie had to be put to sleep but he knew Bailey and we had Bailey to help us grieve. Then Chance came into the mix in 9th grade and was great friends with Bailey and when Bailey had to be put to sleep when I was in 11th grade Chance was there to help us. When Chance passed there were no other family pets. I hadn’t not had a pet since I was 7 or 8. I loved both Charlie and Bailey very deeply but I think I had the strongest connection to Chance. When we lost each dog I was incredibly sad for a few days but then I felt at peace. I am still crying over Chance and it’s been almost 3 months. It brings comfort to me that grief is just all the love that no longer has a place to go. I know how much he loved me and how special our bond was. Really the only good thing that came from covid was all the time I got to spend with him.
I started seeing a therapist who specializes in grief. I knew that my attachment to Chance was so incredibly intense, I loved him more than I think I’ve ever loved something before and I knew I needed help. I also knew how much I missed having that kind of bond with an animal. I started casually looking at dogs a few weeks after he had passed on petfinder. I initially felt like I would be disappointed if I got another cat. I found one dog that I really liked and applied for him. He was adopted the next day and it sent me into this manic of thinking no place would ever let me adopt a dog so I suddenly applied for a few more. I got asked to interview with one place about a dog and another approved my application. I wasn’t expecting to be approved and I ended up becoming extremely anxious and realized it was too soon and that I wasn’t ready. I also knew that I was interested in a small male dog since I live in an apartment in a city. But my boyfriend who I have been with for 2 1/2 years also wanted to get a dog and he was interested in a female medium size. He is currently switching careers and doesn’t want to get one until he is comfortable in a new job. We were getting into some arguments because I imagine that we will be living together in the next few years and whatever animal I picked now would become his I didn’t want to pick an animal that he wouldn’t really want.
Fast forward to the end of January. I started to feel like a cat fit more into my current lifestyle than a dog would. I knew that I will grieve the loss of Chance forever and that getting another cat didn’t mean that I can’t cry over Chance still. I started to look again casually this time at cats on petfinder. I found one that I felt a really strong connection to, his bio seemed great he didn’t look too much like Chance but the look in his eye definitely reminded me of him, there was also a photo of this cat with a golden retriever that brought back old memories for me. I applied for him and the organization got back to me a few days later asking if I wanted to set up a zoom call. They informed me the cat I originally applied for had been adopted but they had other similar cats. I explained my past with Chance and said that I was just looking for someone that genuinely loves being around people and likes dogs since I believed my boyfriend who I would be living with wants one. I said I was looking for a cat who could be my best friend. They told me about this 2 year old cat Fred that had just come in and wasn’t online yet. He came for a rural area of the state where shelters are underfunded and the euthanasia rate is 50%. He had gone up to someone’s house and was meowing to be let in. They said he was a total lap cat and like Velcro just wants to be around people. He sounded great and just like what I wanted they shared a photo where he looked so cute and curious. After talking to both my sister who I currently live with and my boyfriend I decided I wanted to move forward and adopt him. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or anxious and was excited at the thought of having a new member on my family. I did at times feel guilty when I was researching the best litters or toys for cats because I felt like I didn’t put in as much work for Chance but he was so easily happy and I was only 13 when we got him, I felt like my heart was ready to open back up again. I ordered everything I needed for this cat and started putting his things out so I could feel more prepared in the days leading up to getting him.
Due to covid we weren’t able to meet before. The organization I worked with was all foster based so they didn’t have a place for you to meet the cat. They told me they have a two week trial period so if for whatever reason things don’t work it’s ok and they can go back and be with another foster.
This past Tuesday night around 7 PM we picked him up from the main home where they do intakes and adoption with my sister and boyfriend. He unfortunately smelled really bad since he had just been neutered that day and accidentally peed in his carrier on the way back from the vet. They said they tried to clean him up as best they could but make cats that aren’t neutered young have really strong smelling urine, they said it should subside within the next few weeks.
They told us to keep him in one room the first night with his water and litter box so we kept him in our dinning room where we could keep the door closed. The smell was very intense but we hung out with him for a few hours before going to bed he was pretty chill and let us pick him up. They told us to feed him 1 tablespoon of dry food so he wouldn’t throw up, he absolutely devoured it and I figured it was because he hadn’t eaten anything. The next morning I gave him the normal portion that was recommended for his weight and he became almost manic when the food came out. I’ve noticed that all the traits they told me about with him being cuddly and rubbing seem to only come up when he thinks food is involved. He trys to steal our food as well. I was trying to do some research to see why he behaves this way and have a food insecurity or obsession and I think it has to be because of him being a stray and having to work hard to get food from people or not knowing when his next meal would be. I don’t blame him at all it completely makes sense I think I have disappointed that it seems like he is mostly interested in me for food.
I think the biggest problem is I didn’t feel that instant connection with him that I’ve experienced with all the other pets I’ve had it feels like I’m watching someone else cat. I feel so bad because Fred is a great cat he just doesn’t feel like my cat. The. I felt horrible night two because I asked my sister if she likes Fred and she started crying and said “it’s just weird to have another cat here.” I haven’t seen her cry over Chance since the day we had to put him to sleep. I started having a panic attack in the shower and I just had to get on the shower floor all that was going through my head was “I want Chance.”
I sent a long email to the organization about his behavior with food and they said we should set up a time to try and brainstorm a solution. They were super kind and understanding I ended up crying on the call when she asked me to explain more of what is going on. I explained how I felt that some of the affectionate traits were mostly based on wanting food and that he’s not really interested in me if there isn’t food. I said that it’s not that he’s a bad cat at all I’m just stressed and anxious about the two week period I have to decide. She gave me a suggestion on how to feed him based on how his foster had which I will be trying today. I then started crying a bit harder and apologized but said that I feel like my sister and I are having a bit of a difficult transition and harder time connecting with him than we had anticipated. She said that I was not alone or the first person to feel this way and that sometimes people lose a pet and think they are ready for another but it just makes them realize they miss their pervious pet even more. She said sometimes people have a pervious pet that sets the bar really high. It did make me feel a lot better to hear that I’m not alone in this and I know that I am not a horrible person. I do want Fred to be in the perfect home for him I’m just not sure if that’s me. I just never thought I would be a person that has to bring an animal back. I know this organization is really good and I like that it is all foster based so it’s not like he would end up in a cage in a shelter.
But even when I tell myself that the thought of having to him back also makes me upset. I hate having a deadline to make such an important decision. I feel like my gut has told me that I pulled the trigger too soon. The thought of having to hand him back to the shelter makes me so sad thinking about the car ride back and how he might think he did something wrong but when he is here I don’t feel that strongly towards him. I don’t know if it can grow over the next few days. He adjusted really quickly and felt comfortable with my sister boyfriend and I instantly so I don’t think it would be an issue for him to connect with more people. I keep crying and freaking out that I made the wrong choice.
I would obviously feel horrible for Fred he’s been through a lot already and he hasn’t done anything wrong it’s just my sister and I both feel fine towards him, we like him but we don’t love him. I’m so disappointed in myself not only would giving him back to be hard for me emotionally I know it would be hard on my sister too. Fred should be with someone that loves him so unconditionally the way I loved Chance, I really never thought that this would be an issue for me and that I wouldn’t feel love for my animal. I feel bad I have wasted this organization time, I really believed I was ready. I really have been trying I know that I am trying so hard to feel it but it’s just not happening yet. I don’t want to force Fred to hang out with me and he isn’t hiding or anything he’s just chilling and not super interested in me. I kept my door open last night and it I was really sad that he didn’t come in. I kept thinking about how his description said “he’s a total lap cat invited or not. If you go to bed he’s going to bed and has no understanding of personal space boundaries.” This was what his foster had written about him and she has only had him for a week or so.
I think my expectations where set too high by Chance. I didn’t expect Fred to be a carbon copy of Chance but I did think that I would have the connection right away that I’ve felt with my 3 previous pets. I just thought that was how it worked. Obviously over time those connections grew even stronger but I just haven’t felt that much for Fred. I realized that all my friends that have cats I have never really liked any of them that much. Its not that I don’t like them I always just thought I was because I didn’t know them as well and that they weren’t my cat. I’ve also felt this way toward some dogs as well although there have been others that I have really liked. I feel like I’ve been questioning now if I am a cat person or if I was a Chance person.
The bottom line is I don’t feel like this cat is mine I still have some time to decide see if it grows I like him but I don’t know. The organization is very understanding it was hard to not meet him before. Would I have picked him if we had met? I just feel horrible the thought of not seeing him again makes me sad but I don’t know if he’s the right one for me and if I’m right for him. I don’t know if any animal dog or cat would be right for me at this time when I think I’m still struggling with the loss of Chance. I’ve spent so much money on making sure this time my cat would have the absolute best of the best, if I were to give him back I want to sponsor his adoption and I would give them the nice scratcher I bought that he likes the toys litter food etc. I just feel so sad and I really thought this would make me feel better. I would truly appreciate hearing from anyone that has experienced something similar.
. He is not my soul cat, that was Sven. But he makes me laugh every single day and I honestly don't know what I'll do when he's gone. He sleeps with his check on mine, jumps up into my arms, rides around on my shoulder, reaches up for hugs, etc. He is so special. But he is also the biggest PIA in the world. But I love him to death. It took awhile though.
