I Miss Him So Much, I Never Got To Say Goodbye..

[Kyashasu]

My first cat was named Maggie. We thought it was a she cause we didn't know anything about cats. I was in junior high when this happened...about 16 years ago I think.

My dad came home with a black kitten. He said that he was at work, as a tow-truck driver/mechanic and a semi-truck driver came in and asked if someone could find this meowing in his engine. My Maggie had ridden on a semi-truck engine all the way from Colorado during the winter!

I remember seeing him and feeding him little bits of turkey at the time. He was so small. We only have a few pictures back then...cause none of us in our family really took pictures and this was back before cell phones really became a thing for our family.

He was my best buddy and I didn't realize it. I remember falling asleep on the floor and him laying down next to me when I was younger. I remember coming home and seeing him lying in the sun all happy. I remember coming home from ninth grade and being sad and him coming and curling up in my lap. He hardly meowed and didn't do anything bad. He would bite my hands playfully and that is how we would play...but he was smart enough that when my youngest brother Chase played with him that he wouldn't bite as hard. He was a good boy.

I'm going to be honest cause I think Maggie's memory deserves that with what I'm going to write. I did'nt know how to take care of a cat. Also, I was selfish and didn't think of him much during high school, probably cause of family troubles at home, so I didn't want to be home back then. There was a lot of anger in the house a lot of the time. I now know it probably stressed him out big time. He started to act out...he was pee and poop else where in the house which would make my dad mad...then I would get mad at him. There was construction done on the house. I didn't know a litter box needed to be changed regularly...or that the entire thing needed to be changed and cleaned.

I don't remember a lot...but I feel guilty that I didn't play with him more. I worked a lot and did sports right after school to stay away from home. He was always there though. I would like to believe that I went and looked for him after I got home, but I no longer remember. Time went on. He would look out the window at the birds and we started bringing him outside just a little bit which I think he enjoyed. Never too far...he was scared of all the noises.

After about 5 or 6 years I left for college. And I came home once in March. I found him and said bye to him. I came home again in beginning of May I think...to pick something up...and as I was leaving I thought..."I should go find Maggie"...but then I left thinking " He'll be here when I get back".

He wasn't....

I came home for my birthday...I stepped in the house and no one was home...I remember thinking..."something wasn't right", but thought nothing of it and went to the DMV to renew my license. I came home...I looked for Maggie, couldn't find him. I waited till my brothers got home. I asked them where he was....they said he went missing two weeks ago!

Two weeks!! I didn't know what to do...I still to this day don't think about googling things right way to find out information. I just went to the bed I was sleeping in and cried for the next two hours. he was gone and I didn't take the time to see him the last time I was home. We never found him. One of my brothers tried looking for him with his friends, but we never did find him. I didn't even look that day....

It'll be in three days the anniversary of that day. May 28th, my birthday. I live at home with my parents now because I am going back to school again. It is hard sometimes to see the places where he would lay down, or when I'm outside I would picture where he would have gone, if I would have found him if I was home. I regret not being home. I found him once during high school, he had gotten out...I looked for half an hour. I found him two feet away from the door under a wood pile because it had rained last night so I thought he wouldn't have gotten far. But after two weeks, I didn't have a clue where to look for him.

Two more memories and then I'll finish. I remember coming back home during college. I was sleeping and Maggie would wake me up by batting my hand with his paws if it was time for him to eat in the morning. I remember giving him his food and then putting my head up against his body and he was purring. He was such a good sweet boy, so content just to eat.

This other memory isn't really a memory, but my youngest brother Chase told me actually within the last year or two...that Maggie had sat in the chair at the front door waiting for me to come home for five days after I left for college. He did love me...and as far as I remember I didn't show it back well enough in my opinion.

I have another cat now and I feel guilty sometimes after how much I have learned to take care of a cat. I always say bye to my cat, Aria, now...just in case.

I have been wanting to put a memory of him somewhere. I try to think of the good times I had with him, but since it was so long ago...I don't remember a lot, just like I don't remember a lot of the first year with my cat Aria, now. But it is hard...I still cry when memories come up...I still wonder...I still wonder if I could have saved him or found him. I wonder how scared and frightened he was. He was declawed which makes matters worse.

I couldn't talk about it with anyone except my brother Chase, who is as sad as I am. My mom and dad didn't care as much. And mostly everyone says don't be so hard on myself. I try to live on and think that Maggie would want me to treat Aria with as much love as I had for him. And I try that. Sometimes I think...how can it hurt so bad so many years later still? I can barely read these articles on this forum without thinking of him.

He was a good boy, and a better friend than I deserved growing up. He made me happy without asking much in return and he taught me how to love the cat that I have had since she was a kitten, who I found next to the hotel I was staying at in Missouri.

Thank you for letting me post these memories of him. Thank you for letting me remember him and "talk" about it. Most people just think I'm weird for being brokenhearted about a cat so long ago.

All I want...is one day...one hour...one minute...to tell him I loved him and to treat him the way I should have treated him and to say goodbye. I hope that we are reunited with our pets after we pass on....I don't see how things can be good otherwise.

All I want is the time to say goodbye to him.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Maggie, dream you deep. You are not forgotten for one moment.

I firmly believe that they wait for us, and that we are together again. You did the absolute best you knew to do for Maggie for the time that he was with you, and he knew that. You loved him, and he knew that, too. Don't beat yourself up for not finding him that day when you were home. You had your head full of college things, and at that age, we see an unending future. How could you have known? Be gentle with yourself...and there is a chance that Maggie is still living, in a home somewhere, happy. Doesn't mean he doesn't remember you, they do, but they also live very much in the moment.

And now you have Aria, and a lot more knowledge that will help you give her the life you tried so hard to give Maggie. Honor him through how you interact with her.

You also have a community now, who all understand how you are feeling. We are with you.

 

[di and bob]

What a beautiful, sweet boy! We are all full of regrets and self damnation for things we have done, or failed to do in the past concerning someone we love. Every one of us. You know why? Because none of us are perfect, none of us can see into the future. We learn from our past to do it different in our future. You gave that boy a home, not a perfect one, but he didn't care, it was a home and he was loved. He knew that. And that is all he ever wanted. You formed a bond with him that can never be taken from you. Use it and happier memories to comfort yourself. All those could haves, should haves, bring nothing but heartache and there is no way to change the past. Vow to do better in the future, and you have. Maggie taught you how to open your heart, and now Aria has that legacy of love that he entrusted with you to pass on. Love is a powerful thing, it just doesn't die, it is spiritual, so eternal. Maggie is a part of you now, will never be far. He will follow you on your life's journey until your path crosses again.
Don't beat yourself up over something you can't change, something that you did not intend to happen. You have to have intent to be guilty. Take care of yourself and know you are never alone in your grief, we are here.
Dear Maggie, wherever you are, please send comfort to the one who misses you so desperately. You are so loved, and you know this, you will be forever held in a loving heart!

 

[Mark Lehrkind]

Cats are good at forgiving. You should be just as good.

 

[zed xyzed]

what a handsome boy, I am sorry

 

[maggiedemi]

Thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful boy. I think most of us have similar stories from childhood. My favorite childhood cat was an outdoor cat. I wish I could go back and have made him an indoor cat. I was so busy with school and work, I wish I would have spent more time with him. The last day I ever saw him before he disappeared, he wanted to sit on my lap, but I had to leave. I still regret not spending the day with him. We do the best we can, and then when we know better, we do better. Honor him by taking care of your new cat as best you can. Maybe we will see our childhood kitties again some day and make it up to them!

 

[Kyashasu]

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I read so many other stories and knew that I could tell it here. I don't think I told a lot of info, but it has actually been somewhere around 6 years since he disappeared. I actually had to move back home with my parents, so I'm starting college for the...basically the third time, I just turned 29 yesterday. I kept it all inside of me for a while now that I have been back home and only had one of my brothers to talk to about it, but he is in Japan right now. I always felt guilty, but I think I avoided home for the years afterwards so I didn't have to think about it.

Thank you Mamanyt1953, di and bob, Mark Lehrkind, zed xyzed , and maggiedemi for replying and helping me. I have been remembering the " cats are good at forgiving, so you should be too; that Mark said. It has helped. I am learning to forgive myself and hope like Maggie said that I will get to see him again. And even if I don't I will make sure Aria has a good life to the best of my abilities!

Thanks again for the community, it has helped a lot this time around.

 

[Kyashasu]

Also, thank you for helping me understand I am not alone in this.

 

[meelasmom]

You will never be alone here! We all have had to go through this horrific, unreal pain when having such a loss. It's not fair and we are full of all sorts of regrets. The truth is our babies wouldn't want to see us like this...they wouldn't understand.

 

[Kyashasu]

Does anyone else have the pain come back yearly? I have been waking up a lot and can't stop thinking of him. Had to talk to my brother about it again. Turns out, according to what he remembers, my parents knew by the second day and didn't want to tell me cause I had finals. Wanted me to focus on school even though my boy was missing! I don't know how to deal with this....it's been years. He is gone. I know this. But it destroys my heart that some of the people that I trusted him with did not care. My brother was in 5th or 6th tree at the time...so he can be forgiven. My parents though...why my dad keeps bring pets home and not caring about them when they don't do exactly what he wants is beyond me.

I hope someone found him and he was brave enough to find someone to help him. There is no food near my house. He would have had to left the area to survive after two weeks. I have had thoughts of going to the vets offices and seeing if they have records of call animal control and do the same. It is what I wish I would have done when I found out....I did not know then and my parents were no help at the time!

I regret so much not looking for him! It torments me so much right now. I know in a reply someone said i need to forgive myself but how? That Maggie would forgive me, but I can't seem to stop thinking that he was hungry and scared and I wasn't there to save him!

I hope...I hope that someone saved him.

I tell my girl Aria that she is a lucky kitty cause I learned how to treat animals after the two cats and one dog that I didn't do well at.

If u h have read this. Thank you for listening. I have so little people to turn to these days. Seems i will be dealing with this every year come this time. I repressed it before by not coming back to my parents house, but now that I am here i feel what I should have felt every year and right after it happened for the past ten years.
Hug your kitty's and remember they can be gone before you know it. I lost hope, don't ever lose hope in yours.

 

[Kyashasu]

I just read through the previous replies again. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. I will try harder to forgive myself and remember the good times with my Maggie and make better memories with my Aria.

 

[maggiedemi]

Hi. I'm sorry you're still hurting. I feel the same way about my cats that died 20 years ago.

 

[di and bob]

It's so hard to forgive yourself when the grief fills your heart and your mind refuses to focus on the positive, only the pain. The pain is hard to ignore. You have to realize that no blame lays at your feet, you have to have intent to have something to blame yourself for. You would never intentionally bring harm to that precious boy, you loved him. For all you know, he may have ended up miles away and a kind soul gave him a home, I know I have taken in countless strays in the last few years, and I know I am not alone.
So please try to not change the past, which as you know is impossible, and dwell on what you can do, go forward into your life and live it to the fullest, as he would want for the one he loved above all else. As you would want for him if your were the first to go.
Your parents did not intentionally want Maggie to disappear, and they are not getting younger either, so try not to hold them responsible for what happened. It is setting up more pain for you in the future. They are of a different generation, a generation that was not raised to view pets as we do, as a beloved family member, but as an animal, a possession.
You are definitely not alone in remembering something so traumatic every year, it is something that you learn how to manage, usually by focusing on something else, something positive, instead of dwelling on all those should haves, could haves that bring nothing but heartache. Believe me, I watched my little girl get killed, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life, but I know she holds no blame for me, so how can I? I focus on how much joy she brought me in the time I did have her in my life. That no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, so get the most you can out of each and every day. And fiercely love those you let into your heart, because death comes to all in time, and it is how you spend today that counts.
Each and every year on that painful anniversary, I go to my local shelter and pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest.To remind myself that there are others who need help badly, who deserve a chance at a wonderful home and the love of someone willing to give it. It helps to make you feel a little better about yourself, to bring a tiny bit of good into something so bad. I recommend it highly. And I do it all in my little girl's name........take care and know you are not alone!

 

[maggiedemi]

di and bob is right, my parents were the same way. They made the cats live outside and they all disappeared one by one. It's a generational thing. We just have to try to forgive, since our parents are getting old now.

 

[les26]

Each and every year on that painful anniversary, I go to my local shelter and pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest.To remind myself that there are others who need help badly, who deserve a chance at a wonderful home and the love of someone willing to give it. It helps to make you feel a little better about yourself, to bring a tiny bit of good into something so bad. I recommend it highly. And I do it all in my little girl's name.

This is wonderful........