I Might Have Made A Mistake Adopting

[Yanaka]

Dear all,

My heart is heavy. I've always judged people who adopted and realized they made a mistake, and I've never rehomed any of my animals before. That being said, I don't intend to rehome mine, but I need to talk about this.

Six months ago I fostered and then adopted two kittens from a shelter. When I was waiting to get them back after they were spayed, I had a gut feeling: I should leave. But then I thought of their little faces again and thought that they could be adopted by bad people (they okay a lot of people at that shelter) and I shook the feeling away.

Now that I'm into my second semester of grad school and about to start a Ph.D., I am angry with myself. I am angry because I always had pets, cats, horse, rabbit, rats. I knew it's a lot of work, I knew the cost, I knew. I thought I'd manage, because I had always done it at all ages including when I was already an adult and lived in my own place. Adopting two cats was the goal down the road, and I regret it.

My kittens are still young, which might make it worse--but I am thinking of commuting a total of three hours to work/school next year so I can stay in the city that I love and feel comfortable in, and I just realized that that will mean even less attention for my babies.

They also have a bunch of little issues that I never encountered with my previous cats, notably digestive, and that I don't understand. To me, having a cat was easy. But this is not easy.

They just get in the way in all meanings of the term and I feel horrible for them. Is there anyone here who went through the same struggle and stopped regretting their choice? Does it get better when they're adults and a lot more chill? My previous cats either went outside or were grown when they were in my apartment.

Thanks for reading.

 

[2rescuekitties]

When it comes to the digestive issues all I can say it do some research, but I know that a lot of food brands also come with "limited ingredient" choices which is wonderful for cats with sensitive stomach etc.

And as far as the time spent, try your best and at the end of the day if they need to be alone at home a few extra hours at least there are two of them and they get to play and socialize with each other. And think about it this way..those poor cats could have gone home with people who don't care or people who wouldn't have even bothered taking them back If they didn't want them and just thrown them out on the street. Or they would have been stuck in a tiny cage for a long time or worse been put to sleep. You are doing a wonderful thing by keeping them, and yes trust me kittens will grow out of that rambunctious stage when they get older. They usually mellow out with age. My two are just about to turn one and they definitely aren't as needy as they were when they were younger.

Be patient and give it some time, if you wouldn't have taken them who knows what would have happened. But even if you don't have all the time in the world for them, atleast they have eachother to play with and they have food and water and a nice play to roam around and not in a cage.

 

[neely]

Since you adopted 2 kittens they will be able to keep one another company which should alleviate some of your fears a little. As for them being alone next year when you have a long commute, can you have a pet sitter, neighbor or friend check in on them? If it makes you feel any better, when we adopted Neely she was a handful but I could not bring myself to return her to the shelter. I also had a lot going on in my life at the time, e.g. work, my daughter's health and caring for two elderly parents. However, I felt I made the commitment and just as you said, what if someone else adopted her and mistreated her. As it turns out, I trusted my intuition and when she turned between 5-6 yrs. of age she calmed down. She was always affectionate to me and that never changed. I could not have imagined my life without her.

Sometimes we have to be patient and not make a decision in haste or when our lives are consumed with other day to day pressures. I'm not trying to influence or persuade you, only sharing my personal experience with you. I hope you give this matter a lot of serious thought but ultimately do what is best for the kittens and you.

 

[Yanaka]

Yes, I think I need to be a little less hard on myself. I am trying to do everything perfectly (e.g. the food: feeding raw, finding the best stuff for them etc. but now I'm finding poop outside the litter box as if the sister were scooting???) and it's a lot of pressure.

I have roommates and I hate asking for help, but I've been asking one of them to feed them once in a while since it appears that they get really hungry during the day (understandable). Next year I will have roommates too, and will ask for help again. The sitter could be a good solution if it comes to that--I should have a little more money to spend thanks to my fellowship.

Re-homing is really out of the question as there is nothing "wrong" but me not being comfortable enough mentally most days and feeling overwhelmed with the sense of having failed/regret. But they're really loving and fun (and I used to feel an enormous love for them until I realized "what I did"), so I'm waiting until they're older so everyone can relax haha.

Thank you for not reacting badly!

 

[Furballsmom]

I used to feel an enormous love for them until I realized "what I did"),

what you did? Adopt two cats while planning on a ton of time away from them?

Look at it like this. You're already stepping up to the plate --again (the first time was adopting them, the second was getting them fixed) by working to ensure they're getting enough to eat - a challenge no matter who the pet parent is LOL, since this literally means feeing them as much as they can stuff down their little throats while they're kittens and in mad-growth-and-expansion mode .
You said you're feeding raw, however you might consider some canned since you can leave it out for several hours with no issues of it going bad. You could also try some kibble for the daytime in addition to your roommate's help - they really need a lot of food.

As an example Nature's Variety Instinct Raw Boost has a type of dry food with kibble and freeze dried raw bits.

About them getting in the way, try cat trees if you haven't already, toys, scratching products, all ways to help them be entertained and happy. Not perfect but a help, since a lot of toys are available for them that don't require a human.

Regarding trying to do things perfectly, the environment of the commercial pet food industry these days, including raw, means that you are in the boat with all the rest of us working to ensure that we obtain food that isn't going to make our cats ill. As soon as we find one or two foods that fit that bill AND that the cat in question will eat, the manufacturer changes the formula/recipe, and our hunt starts all over again, or continues, depending.

You loved them. Now you don't? They haven't changed from the day before that, to the days after. Is this a sense of failure, or maybe rather humility, from the realization that two incredible living creatures are dependent on you?

Hang on to that joy - that's what matters.

Hang in there, you'll be fine, they're in good hands and are really quite lucky to have you.

 

[Yanaka]

Unfortunately they will let themselves starve several days in a row if I do not feed them Rad Cat... They won't eat anything else but that and maybe kibble (and even then...). I stopped kibble because I thought the combination of both was giving them too-big stool that was hurting their bums (never heard/seen that before but apparently...). Right now they're happy and their butts are good (sphincters closed), but that was until I started finding some poop outside as if the sister were scooting or not getting enough fiber... At this point I'm just going to bring them both to a new vet and say "fix them." ...

I am thinking of switching to just kibble, and to deal with health issues later--they're too picky (they won't even eat Fancy Feast I swear!) and there's something wrong with their bodies lol!

I still love them but I am stressed and frustrated I feel like I don't have it in me to have pets anymore, that I'm too self-centered now, and that my future dream of having a horse are bound to never happen since I regret getting two cats lol.

 

[Furballsmom]

Horses - oh, you're so lucky to even be able to think about that!! Besides, you can rent equines, not so easy with a feline type.

going to bring them both to a new vet

All the best of luck!!

 

[Furballsmom]

By the way, would you have room for a cat wheel?

 

[Neo_23]

Yanaka I have followed your posts on here and you definitely have not failed them. You are a very loving and thoughtful cat parent. You are being too hard on yourself. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. As a fellow academic I can tell you that we are just too prone to neuroticism and anxiety, not to mention perfectionism. But most often than not our fears are far too irrational. I know how you feel. You want to things to be perfect and to be the perfect caregiver. But you need to take a step back and relax. No life is perfect. As long as you give them a warm and loving home with the basic needs you are doing enough. I know you are taking great care of them and you will continue to do so. And don’t worry about leaving them alone because they have each other. Just make sure you cat proof and leave them the basic necessities (which I already know you have thought about).

 

[Yanaka]

Yanaka I have followed your posts on here and you definitely have not failed them. You are a very loving and thoughtful cat parent. You are being too hard on yourself. I don’t think you have anything to worry about. As a fellow academic I can tell you that we are just too prone to neuroticism and anxiety, not to mention perfectionism. But most often than not our fears are far too irrational. I know how you feel. You want to things to be perfect and to be the perfect caregiver. But you need to take a step back and relax. No life is perfect. As long as you give them a warm and loving home with the basic needs you are doing enough. I know you are taking great care of them and you will continue to do so. And don’t worry about leaving them alone because they have each other. Just make sure you cat proof and leave them the basic necessities (which I already know you have thought about).

Thank you so much for your kind and insightful message. It’s always great for me to hear from other academics. You might be right, maybe I can’t tell what basic needs are anymore and I’m always trying to perform highly even in taking care of my pets! It’s funny to feel like you’re not enough even with two happy cats who have each other haha.

Thanks guys for the kind words. If anyone also feels or has felt like they were overwhelmed by their felines please share!

 

[cassiopea]

Always remember that obstacles are temporary. You are busy right now with a lot of things, and it is understandably overwhelming - but that is temporary. When the chaos ends, and it WILL end, you will appreciate having those little muffins by your side after overcoming a lot of life's duties.

As for horses - I have a horse! I had him, my dog and my kitties all throughout my university life. I got him when he was very young (Thus inexpensive haha He was a two year old little horsey mutt, being half Belgium and half Quarter horse) and trained him from scratch to a delightful stead.

I was busy with school, forgotten the definition of this weird word called "sleep", semi-starving and working. But that is the life of the student right? Even with no outside responsibilities I still would have been busy with school, zombie brained, semi starving and working my jobs Anyway it was worth it in the end. Having them in my crazy student life meant the world to me. Aside from my first doggy that passed away from old age, I still have everyone to this day and I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was stressed, upset, exhausted, they were there for me. Taking care of them was just dandy by me.

On a side note, I was also commuting an hour from home to campus. They survived just fine.

Point being, those kitties won't hinder you at all from getting a horse. Two years ago I even got a donkey, joining my little equine-canine-feline family. In any case, obtaining a horse in the future is a more or less flexible thing - you can lease a horse, adopt a horse, work in a stable for a little while etc but those kitties at the moment are irreplaceable. It's not like you are planning to buy a million dollar Hanoverian and head for the World Equestrian Games I assume! And even then, those kitties still wont hinder you.

Don't put pressure on yourself or overthink about these things. You are doing the right things as is right now; they have vet care, yummy food, a warm home and an affectionate pet parent. I was also a perfectionist and even today I am still a huge over thinker myself Just have to flip that psychological switch.

Please don't regret them. Afterall, they don't regret having you for an owner.

And yes, as they mature they will become more relaxed.

 

[Furballsmom]

In any case, obtaining a horse in the future is a more or less flexible thing - you can lease a horse, adopt a horse, work in a stable for a little while etc but those kitties at the moment are irreplaceable. It's not like you are planning to buy a million dollar Hanoverian and head for the World Equestrian Games I assume! And even then, those kitties still wont hinder you.

I just read in the What Was Your Cat's Behavior Like In The First Day? by @Lari ;
"And she got used to me and now she's a teenage brat. But the first day was rough and full of a lot of "did I do the right thing?"
So, although Yanaka it appears I didn't help you at all (except, --would you consider a cat wheel to help them run off some of that boundless energy?) as cassiopea has said, you truly aren't alone.

Have you headed in to a new vet yet? How's the litterbox issue?

 

[Yanaka]

I haven't considered the wheel, no! I live with people so even though I'd have the space in the living room I don't think they'd appreciate that in our home haha. I would have space in my future room (moving in another, bigger one soon) but I will add a second cat tree in there first! But that's a great idea. Salmon would love being able to run more...

I did not get to see a new vet, yet! I'll let you know when I do

The issue, cassiopea , is that it does feel like they are hindering me. I can lose an entire hour just doing the basics with them and then I need to eat breakfast. I don;t even change the litter boxes every day anymore because I feel too rushed. I say "lose" because I don't include playtime. When I get home I want them to be easy and not cry because they want turkey not beef, and then cry because they actually want chicken, and then well actually they want something else. And when they don't get what they want, they get up on the counters and shed everywhere and get interested in where the gas stove tops are. I live with roommates so I have that pressure, too, of them being polite about it but not being ahppy about the counter surfing. My cats never did that before these two, but I hadn't realized the huge difference with cats who go outside. The apartment is their jungle so obviously they will climb everywhere especially if they think they will find better food.

So then my question is: if I don't have the patience with these cats now, am I just not a pet person anymore? If two silly kitties are too much work, I won't have it in me to own a horse. It's my forever dream to finally have one (again) in the long run, but I feel like the pet person might have been another person.

I also wanted to add that I can only get busier with the Ph.D... It won't only mean more work and starting teaching in two years, but also being invested in the department, organizing conferences, doing conferences, publishing stuff, being "out there" + "in there" working on my research. I will have more money so it will be a little easier to just hire a sitter...

 

[Furballsmom]

if I don't have the patience with these cats now, am I just not a pet person anymore?

I could be wrong, but I think these little guys are a lot more similar to taking care of a human baby than a horse, or an adult dog, maybe...depending.
I dunno, people do it but that doesn't mean it's right, or wrong, for you.
You could pick up one or two of those automatic litter boxes...
Anyway, in all of this, do try and be sure that they're getting as much as they can eat. Focus on that, and maybe check around and see if there's someone you know who would adopt them, foster them, because yeah, if you're starting to ditch litter box duties due to time constraints it's at the beginning edges of not working.

 

[Furballsmom]

I think, on reflection, you're a pet person who wants to be able to devote yourself completely to that.
You're also a pet person because you are aware that you're in an incredible jam of wanting to be one, and needing to be there for all these other things.
Plus, as you say, these felines aren't what you expected, and your expectations weren't out of line either. You just got the 'luck' of the draw of two demanding babies.
That's the definition of a pet person.

 

[Yanaka]

Ha! I knew that if I got "real" and said I don't change the litter boxes everyday anymore, someone would confirm I'm a bad owner I do it every other day now, and still fill up and change that litter genie twice or once a week depending on the kitties--but i'm not as religious about it as I used to be.

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[Neo_23]

I also wanted to add that I can only get busier with the Ph.D... It won't only mean more work and starting teaching in two years, but also being invested in the department, organizing conferences, doing conferences, publishing stuff, being "out there" + "in there" working on my research. I will have more money so it will be a little easier to just hire a sitter...

I actually find the academic lifestyle to be well-suited to having cats. It is definitely busy but there's a lot of independence in setting your own schedule. I don't have to be at a 9-5 job every day where I don't see my cat for 8 hours. I work from home a lot so I keep my girl company and she keeps me company with play/petting breaks. It will depend on what part of your career you are in though.