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- Jul 6, 2014
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Miss my boy a lot. Over 6 Months and it I'm thinking what the hell happened
Thanks. I know he'd want me to be happy and feel good. I don't believe I did everything for him though. I could have went though with the operation. I could have went back to see him too while he was waiting for what was supposed to be an operation. Those two things hurt and haunt me. I believe he wasn't ready to go yet, and I ended his life.I know exactly how you feel. My cat, Chef, died of cancer this past Monday. I was there when he was put to sleep, but honestly I have so many regrets. I go back and forth thinking that I should not have been there because the memory of him sick and dying haunts me. I think of the slightest things to pile on guilt on myself because he is gone. Even things like taking away his food when he would eat from our other cat's dish (he was on a special diet due to urinary tract problems)...thinking I should have given him what he wanted in his last days. The thing is, I didn't know that he had cancer and was about to die until the very last minute. I think no matter what the feelings of guilt creep in even though it's not validated. It just shows how much we loved these kitties. That we were so distraught ourselves, we had no idea how to handle the last days. You loved your kitty and you did everything you could for him. I went into my situation thinking there was a way out. We all do that thinking there is a chance. Your little guy was in pain and most likely had/wanted to go, as hard as that is to say. He knows you loved and still love him and did the best thing for him you could. I believe he wants you to be happy and feel better as well.
Hi, I'm sorry of your loss and your terrible pain. Our situations are very much the same. Yes, for me the last moments are very hard. I know how you feel. And you know how I feel. I just don't feel it was my boys time. His weight was still good, it all happened so fast. That damn cortisone was what killed him. The second shot. The day he was put to sleep, he was purring for 30 minutes. he wanted to go outside in the morning. With the split wound that happened later, he was grooming it. Jumped on and off the window sill. Murmured at the vet in fear, tried to scratch them. If I thought it was his time I could be at ease with the situation. Hence why I'm not and believe I made the wrong decision.HI @catconcern
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Day 4 without my Kitty and trust me, I feel just as you do. I don't sob as much but my insides hurt and are full of panic. You are not alone at all, I am suffering immensely and I feel awful all over, inside and out. I go to the mall to walk around, I run errands (I dont have any) to get out of the empty house, I stay in, no matter what I do I feel awful. Just the same as you, my Kitty was my life. My thoughts in the day, my errands to get her more food or check on her as she was always hungry or using the litter box (I wanted to make sure I cleaned it quick after each time she went, and that was like 6 times a day - her hyperthyroidism made her pee a lot, and so that is why she was so dehydrated, nothing stuck in her little body anymore.
The hardest part by far, for you as I can read and I am so sorry, are those last moments. Someone did say no matter how it ended I am sure we all find ways to analyze and think what if and how come I didnt do this, and I WISH I did_____________. Do you know how much I WISH I said I love you one more time, or held her one more time or stayed with her as she lay dead on the table. After only a minute I said, ok I need to go home I need out of here, and the nice nurse lady came in and scooped her up on the towel so cute and took her. To think the last moments my Kitty had were in a cage and in a vet hospital that she has never seen before.
As much as you wish you were there, trust me your pain would be just as heavy because for me personally, that memory of her last seconds (it all happened SO FAST) like she was laying on the table, gave me two blinks and then blinked no more, those last seconds all I can think is how Kitty thinks shes just going for some check up or whatever crazy reason me her mom brought her in for, but what happens is not that, is not just a nice sleep its the stopping of her heart! The nice sleep turns into no more heart beat, a needle that essentially kills her. I can't breathe or cope with how she was on a table face to face with me and, God, I cant even explain.
It is the WORST memory, he face, her eyes everything is embedded in my mind and it kills. Yes, I would have been no other place in the world than there with her, I was her mom and spent 20 years loving her more than anyone or anything, but please know catconcern that the pain and horrible feeling is severe being there or not being there, the regret and blame is there, and I hate it.
I agree with you, it is like we are living but we are dead. I truly feel the "I want to die" emotions and the emptiness is so prominent, the guilt. The truth and reasoning that we had to do what we did, we helped out angels, I helped Kitty as she was 2 pounds, her age was killing her, aging thats what it was...we didnt know everything but at the end of the day she was frail. But did she eat, yes liquid food, did she use the bathroom ok - yes every time, could she walk, yes but she would sometimes loose balance and it was hard on her breathing, did she rest well - she barely moved all day and her breathing was so loud and "cloudy/clogged". Was it her time, sure, did she act like it in the office before we put her down, no. She was alive and spunky and pink nosed as ever and, well if not that day, then some day soon I know.
Please know we suffer with you, it kills, its truly like her death sucked the life out of me completely and on top of it I feel guilt and agony for "what I did". Putting your true love down, face to face, the true love who trusts you the most and loves you the most, and they have no idea you are doing that to them, that that is their last moment. I cannot feel more lifeless and I share your pain.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.You are torturing yourself and you need to stop or else you'll ruin the rest of your life. It's easy to second guess the vets/your mother and everyone else but take a deep breath and step back ... what if the problem with the large wound was a sign that your kitty was already far gone, rather than the first sign that you took it to be? From reading your posts, it seems that your kitty was a very sick baby and everyone tried to help; I don't read that you had a healthy kitty that was subjected to bad treatment.
It's always hard to wear the guilt (I"ve had my own - I ran over a kitten of mine when I was driving home, cos I was tired and not concentrating properly). Love and respect the memories but don't torture yourself.
And to everyone who has shared their experiences with having a loved one put to sleep, I'll share mine - a very positive story I think. Our vet has one of their surgery rooms kitted out as a lounge room, with a small sofa and a couple of chairs. It's used for visiting sick animals and for euthanasia. When I had to put my beloved Minnie to sleep, I was ushered into the room with her, given a towel to cover my lap and I held her. The vet gave her the injection and I held her as she passed. It was very sad but not bad. The vet gave me tissues and let me just sit there. I was a mess of course but I knew I'd done the right thing - I loved my girl from when she was 6 weeks old, right to the end at 18 and a half. She looked at me and went to sleep. I grieved for her but it was time. I go to a great vet and love everything they do from beginning to end.