Hello,
This is my first time posting here and I'm sad it has to be under these circumstances, but I've had the worst day of my life and I'm finding it difficult to cope.
My beloved 14 year old, the sweetest and most loyal girl, had been unfortunately diagnosed with high grade lymphoma. I feel the last months were endless but it all happened pretty fast, as I first brought her to a vet consultation on Aug 13 after a few days with vomits and diarrhoea. She had an exploratory laparotomy (which I was super scared of, but made the decision after reading this was the only way for diagnosing small cell lymphoma which carries a good prognosis). When the surgery ended I was so relieved that she was still alive until the surgeon told me they had to remove a portion of her small intestines that had 2 tumours that were likely to cause an obstruction, and there were many more they couldn't remove. I still had to wait for the pathologist results but deep down I knew the results wouldn't be good.. Small cell isn't supposed to cause masses. In the meanwhile, I was hopeful since her recovery went pretty smoothly.
After a week I received the results and it was large cell lymphoma. I had an appointment with the vet who explained the chemo protocol and I was still unsure but wanted her to get better, so I made an appointment, but the day before she started with the symptoms again and I didn't want to put toxic drugs in her system, that would make her feel worse.
She had been on prednisolone to manage her symptoms, and the oncologist suggested upping the dose. She did well for a while, but I started having second thoughts about the chemo. The prognosis was not good, and I couldn't bare the thought of having her go to weekly treatments, and weekly blood drawings when it would only buy her 4-6 months. I concluded it wouldn't be a good quality of life for her. I wish she could have been around much longer, but not at the expense of her integrity.
Approximately 2 weeks ago she started vomiting and wouldn't stop, I was scared I was going to lose her at that moment but she improved with Cerenia and last week she gifted me an amazing weekend.. She was in such good spirits, it was as if she never had been ill. But then during the week she started going downhill pretty quick and I tried everything to make her feel better, but was only able to briefly relieve her symptoms, it seemed that each time they came back worse than before.
I could tell she was not doing well, and during the last 2 days I felt she was in pain. She would sit down with her ears down, eyes half-closed, she struggled to find a comfortable position to sleep (she lost so much weight, it was painful to watch/feel). I brought my concerns to the oncologist and he said that's not pain, those are the symptoms of her pathology, and suggested upping again the prednisolone. I'm SO MAD. How can you have tumours, a swollen GI tract, constant diarrhoea and vomits and not be in pain?
Yesterday night was awful, she seemed so uncomfortable. She kept going back and forth to the litter tray and at one point she lied down there.. It broke my heart but I knew I had to make a decision.
In the morning I called the vet, after all, everyone agrees this is a peaceful transition. I believe it wasn't and this is where the second part of my nightmare started. The following might be upsetting to some.
He first administered an intramuscular sedative and she started "kicking" with her leg, he said she was fighting not to fall sleep, that this is a common response. She tried to walk and was very wobbly, but managed to step again into her litter box. He waited a bit, picked her up and put her on a table assuring she was out of it. He tried to place the IV to give the fatal injection but mentioned her pulse was really low so he was having trouble getting to her veins. At one point my cat who has supposedly 'asleep' moved her leg while he was trying to get the catheter in, it started bleeding. He had mentioned that if the IV didn't work he could give her an injection and I naively thought it would be another intramuscular injection, so when I noticed this wasn't working, I said "ok can you give the injection?" and he told me "ok I'll have to give the injection to her heart - it might be too much for you to handle, I suggest you step back". It was all so fast, then I realized what was happening.. He gave her an injection right to her heart and it was over pretty soon. But this moment will haunt me for a long time.
I know it was difficult for the vet too, he was his primary care doctor, but I feel he took away 2 things I desperately needed:
I hope she didn't feel any pain, I would never be able to forgive myself otherwise
This is my first time posting here and I'm sad it has to be under these circumstances, but I've had the worst day of my life and I'm finding it difficult to cope.
My beloved 14 year old, the sweetest and most loyal girl, had been unfortunately diagnosed with high grade lymphoma. I feel the last months were endless but it all happened pretty fast, as I first brought her to a vet consultation on Aug 13 after a few days with vomits and diarrhoea. She had an exploratory laparotomy (which I was super scared of, but made the decision after reading this was the only way for diagnosing small cell lymphoma which carries a good prognosis). When the surgery ended I was so relieved that she was still alive until the surgeon told me they had to remove a portion of her small intestines that had 2 tumours that were likely to cause an obstruction, and there were many more they couldn't remove. I still had to wait for the pathologist results but deep down I knew the results wouldn't be good.. Small cell isn't supposed to cause masses. In the meanwhile, I was hopeful since her recovery went pretty smoothly.
After a week I received the results and it was large cell lymphoma. I had an appointment with the vet who explained the chemo protocol and I was still unsure but wanted her to get better, so I made an appointment, but the day before she started with the symptoms again and I didn't want to put toxic drugs in her system, that would make her feel worse.
She had been on prednisolone to manage her symptoms, and the oncologist suggested upping the dose. She did well for a while, but I started having second thoughts about the chemo. The prognosis was not good, and I couldn't bare the thought of having her go to weekly treatments, and weekly blood drawings when it would only buy her 4-6 months. I concluded it wouldn't be a good quality of life for her. I wish she could have been around much longer, but not at the expense of her integrity.
Approximately 2 weeks ago she started vomiting and wouldn't stop, I was scared I was going to lose her at that moment but she improved with Cerenia and last week she gifted me an amazing weekend.. She was in such good spirits, it was as if she never had been ill. But then during the week she started going downhill pretty quick and I tried everything to make her feel better, but was only able to briefly relieve her symptoms, it seemed that each time they came back worse than before.
I could tell she was not doing well, and during the last 2 days I felt she was in pain. She would sit down with her ears down, eyes half-closed, she struggled to find a comfortable position to sleep (she lost so much weight, it was painful to watch/feel). I brought my concerns to the oncologist and he said that's not pain, those are the symptoms of her pathology, and suggested upping again the prednisolone. I'm SO MAD. How can you have tumours, a swollen GI tract, constant diarrhoea and vomits and not be in pain?
Yesterday night was awful, she seemed so uncomfortable. She kept going back and forth to the litter tray and at one point she lied down there.. It broke my heart but I knew I had to make a decision.
In the morning I called the vet, after all, everyone agrees this is a peaceful transition. I believe it wasn't and this is where the second part of my nightmare started. The following might be upsetting to some.
He first administered an intramuscular sedative and she started "kicking" with her leg, he said she was fighting not to fall sleep, that this is a common response. She tried to walk and was very wobbly, but managed to step again into her litter box. He waited a bit, picked her up and put her on a table assuring she was out of it. He tried to place the IV to give the fatal injection but mentioned her pulse was really low so he was having trouble getting to her veins. At one point my cat who has supposedly 'asleep' moved her leg while he was trying to get the catheter in, it started bleeding. He had mentioned that if the IV didn't work he could give her an injection and I naively thought it would be another intramuscular injection, so when I noticed this wasn't working, I said "ok can you give the injection?" and he told me "ok I'll have to give the injection to her heart - it might be too much for you to handle, I suggest you step back". It was all so fast, then I realized what was happening.. He gave her an injection right to her heart and it was over pretty soon. But this moment will haunt me for a long time.
I know it was difficult for the vet too, he was his primary care doctor, but I feel he took away 2 things I desperately needed:
- A peaceful ending
- Being by her side during her last breath
I hope she didn't feel any pain, I would never be able to forgive myself otherwise