I felt scared of DH last night!! (RANT)sorry if it gets long

[arlyn]

I'm sorry, but I have lived this very thing in the past.
Please, just get out now and either get help for the both of you, or just move on entirely.

Whether or not he apologizes, whether or not you forgive him, doing nothing is the same as giving permission for this to continue.
Your absence will be the only message loud enough for him to hear.
He will either hear it and seek counselling or he won't and you can both move on.

Inaction though is just wrong.

 

[carolpetunia]

Originally Posted by LokisMum

Abusers don't change, no matter how much they tell you they will.

I just want to suggest an amendment to that statement. More true, I think, is that abusers don't change just because they tell you they will. They only change with help, and usually a lot of it, over a significant period of time.

Which means that you, your son, and your kitties do need to get out, because chances are your husband will never recognize the need for him to accept help unless you make it clear by leaving.

If it makes you feel better about it, remind yourself that you are not necessarily leaving forever. You're leaving until he gets some professional help for his alcohol abuse and for the emotional problems that probably underlie it (there's usually a reason for such extreme jealousy, often having to do with a parent). Someday, if he can stop drinking and get a handle on his rage, then you can consider starting the marriage afresh.

But right now, you've got to take control of the situation. Here's what I'd suggest:

1. Being very careful not to leave any kind of trail (not even phone records), contact a women's shelter in your area, get their advice, and make arrangements to move in there as soon as they have room for you.

2. Even a well-meaning friend can make a mistake and let something slip -- so if I were you, I wouldn't tell anyone what you're doing or where you're going. Not even your brother.

3. Make sure your husband won't be home on the day you plan to move. But just in case something goes wrong -- he has a flat tire or gets ill at work -- ask the police to have an officer stay with you while you pack your car and leave.

4. The very first thing I would do on moving day is gather up any firearms and ammunition in your house and turn them over to the police. (I'd say do it now, but if your husband found they were missing, it could actually spark a confrontation.) That way, if he does track you down, he's less likely to be armed.

Leaving him temporarily, with a plan to return if he gets himself under control, is not just the best thing for you -- it's the best thing for him, too. He just won't know it for awhile.

 

[natalie_ca]

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm

You seriously need to wake up about this. You are in the standard denial stage and you are justifying his behaviour. It's part of the abuse cycle.

Abused women's case histories disclose several types of violence used against them. We see these repeated in case after case:

• Using weapons against them
• Beating, throwing them down
• Twisting arms, tripping, biting
• Pushing, shoving, hitting
• Pulling hair, slapping, choking
• Punching, kicking, grabbing

Physical abuse is only one form of abuse against women. It is the one most apparent to others because of the noticeable physical consequences. Some of the not-so-apparent forms of abuse include:

• Intimidation
• Isolation
• Alcohol/drug addiction
• Economic deprivation
• Emotional Manipulation
• Using the children
• Threats
• Using male privilege
• Sexual abuse
• Rejection

There are also typical emotional reactions to the abuse. These are some of the feelings abused women experience:

• Powerlessness
• Helplessness
• Hurt
• Anger
• Guilt
• Humiliation
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Isolation
• Degradation
• Impaired trust
• Fear
• Depression

Often an abused woman does not accept that she is abused and will contend that what has happened to her is not abuse. She makes excuses for his behavior and hers. Abuse cannot be rationalized or denied away. It can be hidden; it can be painfully endured; but it cannot be denied away. On the other hand, there are many women who know they are abused but haven't succeeded in stopping it. Either way, help is needed.

Recognizing and identifying the effect it has on you and your children is part of the process of positive change. We can't fight or conquer something if we deny its existence. Breaking through the denial is essential to stopping the abuse. Recognizing and pinpointing the types of abuse you have endured is a way to break through the denial.

Don't get caught in the trap of putting everything else in front of your needs as excuses for not leaving. It's easy to look at your surroundings and think to yourself that you have worked hard to get the things in life that surround you. Things like a nice car, or house or cottage and nice furniture etc. All of those things are material and not worth putting your life on the line for. You may also think that your kids need a father and that you need a husband to take care of all of you. A man who abuses his spouse and / or his kids isn't taking care of you. He's doing exactly the opposite.

Pack you things, your kids and cats and go to a shelter where you can get some much needed counselling and in the process give you perspective and help you get back your self-esteem.

Once you gain some real perspective and get some self-esteem back, you will see what the rest of us are seeing.

I'm afraid for you. Truely afraid

I've been in an abusive relationship that started not unlike what you have been describing in your various threads. It escalated to physical beatings and even to a stint in the hosptial after he beat me with the metal pipes from a vacuum cleaner. Even then I stayed with him. He kept threatening to kill me or kill himself. Finally I just didn't care anymore. Being dead was better than the life I was living and I left. I went back to him eventually, and left again, and went back.

It took me 4 1/2 years to get the courage to leave him for good. If I hadn't left one of us would have been dead. I know in the end I found myself plotting out ways that I could kill him, but a very good friend made me see that even killing him would be giving him control over my life because I would be sitting in jail for a crime against a man who victimized me for years, and would still be victimizing me by finally taking my freedom of choice away.

He ended up stalking me for 6 months. Everywhere I went there he was. I worked at 7-11 at the time and worked a fair amount of night shifts. I didn't like working nights, especially alone, so I would bribe tow truck drivers and cab drivers and bikers etc with free coffee, fountain drinks and slurpees (7-11 counts their cups not their beverage products) in order for them to sit in the parking lot during my night shifts. All they had to do was bring their own cup and I gave them all of the slurpee, coffee or fountain drinks that they wanted.

One night my ex decided to sit in the parking lot across the street. There were 6 bikers sitting out front of the store. By bikers I'm referring to a local motorcycle gang that later merged with The Hell's Angels. They knew that I was having trouble with my ex and they were the ones who actually noticed the car sitting in the dark across the street. One asked me if that was my ex...and I said it was. They took a walk over there and had a talk with him. He drove away and I never had another problem with him. I don't know what they said to him, but I'm sure it wasn't very nice and probably very threatening, but they came back and told me that I won't have any more problems with him, and they were right.

That was in the early 1980's, and to this day he scares me. His father was a patient on a ward that I worked on and I was a basket case to the point I couldn't do my job. I hid in the back and was shaking really bad. I was sent home and took 3 sick days and when his father showed no signs of being discharged, I was allowed to temporarily switch jobs with a girl in the float pool and she worked my shifts on the ward and I went elsewhere in the hospital.

My point is to please get out while you can and before it affects your whole life.

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

Leaving him temporarily, with a plan to return if he gets himself under control, is not just the best thing for you -- it's the best thing for him, too. He just won't know it for awhile.

I want to add that a promise to get help is not acceptable. Nor is enrolling in a support group and AA in order to show he's serious and get you to move back.

He MUST enroll in an support group and be in AA and be in it for months and "clean". Then perhaps you can start dating again, but under no circumstances should you move back in with him until he has quit drinking and has shown that he can stay away from the booze, and that the support group is helping his anger and abusive tendancies.

The behaviour of an abuser is all about him and not about the victim. He has some serious issues that he needs to deal with and learn to manage.

 

[miagi's_mommy]

Sweetie, you NEED to get out of there fast! It really doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship from reading your previous posts and him hitting you last night drunk or not is NO excuse for his behavior. even if this is the first time that he's done this.. it can happen again.

YOU do not need to apologize, YOU did nothing wrong, he did! pack up the kids and the furkids and go somewhere safe. Please do not let this go on. I am really worried about you.

please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk or need anything at all, okay?

We're all here for you.

you will be held close in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[lakeriedog]

Everyone here has given you spot on GOOD ADVICE. I agree with those who have advised you to get your kid and cats out of there. If finances prevent you from moving into your own place, then please go to a shelter.

This might sound insensitive, and if it does...I am sorry, but one thing I want you to consider about last night, when your DH slammed you against the wall; you were assaulted by your husband. I know that you know this, but did you file a police report? If not, why not? Does it have something to do with the reason you said you weren't going to apologise? Do you really think this was your fault?

I wonder what you would say to your best friend or little sister or your next door neighbor if they told you that their husband had assaulted them, and that they were scared of him? Would you tell them to forgive their husband and give him another chance? Another chance to verbally abuse, mentally abuse, push, shove, squeeze, pinch, punch, kick, rape, or kill them? Please do not give him another chance to assault you again. Don't give him a chance to do any of the above to you, in front of or to your child.

Please get help for yourself. If not for yourself, then do it for your child.

 

[minxie]

I know its hard for you but please take strength and courage from all these people here on TCS who care for your welfare..most of all take strength from the thought that your children need to be in a safe and happy environment..and so do you. Take that first step which has been explained in these posts. No one has the right to treat you this way.

I'm praying for you.

 

[renovia]

everyone has offered great advice and support and we'll all be here no matter what. please get help.

 

[mooficat]

Oh my, just coming to this, you have lots of advise, all I can add is to look after yourself and I hope you can work something out that works for all of you

 

[ashleigh]

Hunny, all the advice sounds the best to me and nothing I can add much to it but have you sat and thought of your title? You should never ever have to feel scared of your own husband! and if you do something is seriously wrong.

I would say the same, get out quicktime, that's not to say give up on the marriage but if it is to work and if you really want to try to make it work then action has to be taken by him and pronto. He needs councilling, he needs anger managment, he needs to stay well away from alcohol, when he can show you he can do this and willingly do it then it's a step at least, then have councilling together, and I'm saying this only because it feels like you don't want to give up on him, I'm not sure whether that is because you want the marriage to work or because of the fear of actually leaving or a bit of both.

But at least for the present get some distance from him where at this stage you can all at least be safe from him, nobody can make you leave him for good, but if you don't help has to be sought and quickly.

All the best x

 

[catloverin_ks]

Thanks to all of you, you have given good advice and are really making me think things thru. I am torn on what to do. I know hes a good person, he really really is............but like I said, that night, just really scared me and now I wonder, will he do it again? I have mentioned in the past that hes threatend me with the D word. And he constantly nags on how I dress, and how my cleaning has gone down hill, etc etc.

I really dunno..

I am going to be thinking things through. I will for sure keep ya alls advice in mind and make a decision.

Once again~thank you for all the advice and caring words.

 

[reesespbc]

Originally Posted by catloverin_ks

Thanks to all of you, you have given good advice and are really making me think things thru. I am torn on what to do. I know hes a good person, he really really is............but like I said, that night, just really scared me and now I wonder, will he do it again? I have mentioned in the past that hes threatend me with the D word. And he constantly nags on how I dress, and how my cleaning has gone down hill, etc etc.

I really dunno..

I am going to be thinking things through. I will for sure keep ya alls advice in mind and make a decision.

Once again~thank you for all the advice and caring words.

Well we're always here for you. You know that

Just remember how good of a person you are and what you and your kids really deserve. You deserve to be in a safe relationship with someone who loves you for the awesome person you are, no less.

 

[duchess15]

Please listen to the all the others who have posted above me. Their advice is right! Abusers may say they will change, and they may for a little bit, but they will always revert back and it will only get worse.
You have no reason to apologize and abusive behavior should never be an excuse! Whether it be verbal or physical, I will never tolerate either. Get out before something more serious happens. It is the best option for you and your family. These are not YOUR problems, but HIS! Until he can learn that, it will never change. Keep us posted and you are in my thoughts.

 

[katl8e]

From MY perspective, your husband is exhibiting classic abusive behavior: picking at you verbally about he way you dress and act and now its escalated to a physical confrontation. For the first ten years of my life, I witnessed my father doing these things to my mother. SHE finally bailed, after 12 years of marriage.

My own first husband tried to control me and eventually hit me. I grabbed up our son and got the heck out of there. That was 30 years ago and I've never regretted my decision. From what our son told me, my ex continued this behavior with his second wife (she stayed 13 years).

They don't change without intervention and/or intensive counseling. The rub is that THEY have to WANT to change. YOU need to ensure your and your children's safety.

 

[zissou'smom]

Don't even tell him you are leaving, just go. Don't give him a chance to make you stay.

Men like your husband and my ex know no boundaries when it comes to controlling your behavior with guilt, empty promises, etc. They'll cry and grovel and promise til their face turns blue, and once you stay once you've established that it's okay for him to act like that. NOTHING he says changes what he did or how he acts.

Also, his behavior not counting this last time even is unexcusable, unforgivable, and abusive. Relationships are not about control or being controlled. Compromise, yes, not control. I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of expecting people to treat you like dirt and so letting them.

Whatever happens, we are here for you. This is a very difficult choice, and don't let anybody judge you for staying, because so did some of us. Looking back on what I did in response I realize it was the wrong decision to stay after the first time and I stayed for two years as the abusive behavior (on my part as well, in response to his) kept escalating. I never told anybody what was going on until I was finally ready to get out, and so I never got any advice about it. You are in an extremely unhealthy situation for all of you, including your son.

 

[wookie130]

I absolutely agree with everyone's advice in terms of how this situation needs to be handled. It woulds like both of you are under a tremendous amount of strain emotionally, and financially at this time...these situations can affect our behavior, and our ability to manage ourselves appropriately at times.

HOWEVER, that being said, there is NO REASON or EXCUSE that is good enough, or WORTHY of justifying slapping you into a wall...or slapping you EVER!!!

Is this the first time he's gotten physical with you? You don't have to answer that, but I'm curious. You should never have to be afraid of your own husband...EVER!!! Fear is a method of control that is seen over and over in abusive relationships, and you need to set firm boundaries. The way I see it, is that you can handle this a variety of ways, some okay, and some not. But please, remember, you have a child, and your husband is modeling some very unhealthy behavior for your son. This is NOT how you want your boy feeling that this is how women should be treated, simply because you made it okay for his father to do so to YOU. That last statement sounded harsh, and I'm sorry, but I do want you to understand how damaging this situation is for your son...and if you do NOT set some firm limits, and allow your husband to continue treating you badly...well, to me, that's a form of mental and emotional abuse to your son as well.

I would do one of 2 things NOW:

*Pack up and go. No talking, no pomp and circumstance...pack up, take the kids, and GO without a word. Don't let him verbally trap you. If he so much as lays ONE hand on you to stop you...you call the cops, and file a report. Period.

*Approach him, and set your verbal boundary. Tell him, "I don't know what came over you the other night, but I can tell you this much...you will NOT touch me like that ever again. You will NOT throw me around, you will not shove me, you will NOT slap me, or hurt me in any way shape or form. If you do, I'm taking the kids, and we are over. I absolutely 100% mean it. Do not ever dream of laying another finger on me like that again...or we're done. Is there something you're not understanding?" And you know what? If he EVER does ANY of the above EVER again, you leave, and stick to your guns...no exceptions, no apologies accepted, no retractions, etc. And I mean, STICK TO IT. This should be what you should do, if you aren't planning to leave him now. Idle threats will not work...if you set your boundary, you must follow through with it if it happens again...or you're teaching him that you're a doormat that will tolerate it again and again. He needs to know - just one more time, and you're GONE!!! And if it comes to that, FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!!!

I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you lately. I know you say he loves you, and in his own way I'm sure he does...but love and RESPECT would have prevented him from slapping you into a wall and behaving like a controlling *ss. The divorce comment he made to you was another fear tactic, and while it wasn't physical, it was emotional abuse. And now he's crossed the line into physical assault...honey, it's probably not going to stop there. Don't kid yourself, and don't let him blind-side you with half-ass apologies and empty promises...you are the only one that can stop any of this, because I guarantee you that he will not, if you allow it to continue. You either leave him now, or set a boundary for him follow...if he violates it, be GONE, and do not hesitate.

 

[goldenkitty45]

Stop trying to cover up his actions and apoligize for them - that's what I was doing with my ex-husband - and found out after many year, he was abusing me emotionally and verbally. Your DH has also included physical violence to you.

I would get serious counseling with or without him. If this has been happening - the abuse both verbal and physical - you need to get the H*ll out of this relationship before you end up in the hospital or your kids get hurt.

I dealt with about far too long - 17 yrs - didn't know it was abuse till the last few years.

I strongly recommend you get the book Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans. Read it, then evaluate your relationship and his actions and do something about it. Worse thing to do is make excuses and stay where you are being abused!

 

[swampwitch]

If that happened to me, I would have been out of his life that night. Will he do it again? Yes.

 

[goldenkitty45]

I've always said (when talking about my previous marriage) that if my ex had hit me ONE time in violence during that time - he would have NO 2nd chances - I would have left a lot sooner.

He had me trapped by threatening to keep our son. I could not let that happen, so I stayed.

Abuse is not warrented in any situation, but I feel the verbal/emotional kind can be far worse then the physical. Physical wounds can heal, but verbal/emotional takes far longer to heal, if it does.

 

[zissou'smom]

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

I've always said (when talking about my previous marriage) that if my ex had hit me ONE time in violence during that time - he would have NO 2nd chances - I would have left a lot sooner.

Everyone thinks that until it happens to them. Not saying you wouldn't have left, but I never thought for a second I would stay in an abusive relationship until I did. There are all kinds of extenuating circumstances that can occur. Nobody should ever stay in an abusive relationship but it doesn't help to judge them if they do.