I don't like my cat

[ellyr]

Hi all -

I feel at my wit's end.  I have two cats.  Mal is my baby, and I love and adore her and we'll be together forever.  I've had her almost two years.  Alex I got one year ago and I don't like him.  I just don't.

He's a perfectly good cat.  He's socialized, doesn't bite at me, is cute.  I just don't like him.  I've never bonded with him.  I get stressed out whenever he rough houses with Mal and she starts hissing at him but he just won't back off.  Whenever I find clumps of Mal's fur lying around I think about just putting him outside and letting him go.  I wouldn't do that, but the thought is there, and that's what worries me.  It worries me that I can think that about one of my cats.  

I know that rehoming cats is generally frowned upon, but at what point do you just have to do it?  I feel terrible about it, because he's not a bad cat, not at all, I just don't like him, I hate seeing him harass Mal, and there are times when I wish he were gone.

 

[bastfriend]

Please remember you have MANY other options than just abandoning a cat.  I would suggest given how you are feeling that you go ahead and find him another home now - as he gets older his chances to be adopted go down and a year old will still be seen by others as young right now.    Find a rescue group that fosters or a no-kill shelter and give him to them - you don't have to say anything other than irreconcilable differences with your other cat.  I know some might advise you to try and work it out, I'm sure there's things you can try for him to get along better with Mal, but if the commitment isn't in your heart the right thing to do is give him a chance to be with someone who will feel that.

 

[yayi]

I scanned thru some of your previous threads. You are a dedicated cat owner. You took care of health issues when they were kittens and worried about them when you had to move to a new place and were anxious when you had to leave town for a few days.However, you admitted you had no emotional attachment towards Alex since the start. http://www.thecatsite.com/t/246276/no-emotional-attachment  You found Alex so different from Mal. I've had lots of cats under my care and I've never found two who behaved the same.  

You adopted Alex so Mal will have a buddy. Was Mal lonely? Do they get along most of the time? Just like people, it is normal for cats to have "arguments" and "bullying" incidents once in a while. Maybe Alex gets easily bored and is over energetic so he shows it in his dealings with Mal. Playing with him and tiring him out could lessen his aggression and even bond you to him.

If you cannot accept Alex for what he is, perhaps it is better for you to find him a more loving home. Mal may get upset for losing her pal but she may be more content being a one person kitty and you a one cat person. 

 

[ellyr]

Thanks for the responses.  I wouldn't just abandon Alex - the group I adopted him from, which is a foster organization, has a clause that says if at any point you cannot keep the cat, you must return it to them.  So he would go back there.

I am thinking I will put forth extra effort in July and see how it goes. After that, I feel like I need to make a call one way or the other.  One of the things that has consistently worried me is that whenever Alex chases Mal around, it isn't silent - she's hissing and yowling at him.  I believe that play, even rougher play, is usually quiet?  She makes some truly distressing sounds.  On the flip side, I've occasionally caught them grooming one another, so I don't know.

I think too, that maybe getting a second cat wasn't the best choice for me.  Maybe I'm a one cat person.  I wanted company for Mal, but at the moment it doesn't seem like they're best buds anyway, and I feel more frustration toward Alex than I feel is good, or healthy (I would never mistreat him in any way, mind you, I just have more negative feelings toward him than positive).  But we'll try July, and see if anything changes.

 

[p3 and the king]

Maybe part of the reason for his attacks on Mal happen to be because Alex senses your frustration or dislike of him?  Cats can be very sensitive.  He sees you cuddling and loving on Mal but he knows it’s not like that with himself.  Perhaps you could spend a little time trying to be affectionate with him and seeing if that helps at all is a great idea.  Maybe not try to start with a bond but maybe just a little affection can help you feel empathy for him instead of frustration.  Regardless none of this is his fault.  He didn’t make the choice to come home with you.  It’s only fair to give him a fair chance. 

I had a cat once that I adopted.  She was beautiful and very sweet.  I didn’t have the same bond with her that I do my other cats but you know what, I knew she didn’t choose the situation.  It was me.  So I would hold her and pet her and treat her just like the others.  We may have never “bonded” like I did with the others but I did grow to love her because I realized that she was a very sweet and loving cat and she did all she could to reach out to me for affection and bond with me. 

 

[msbedelia]

I'd like to jump in and say sometimes that sense of alienation from an animal can really be confusing and upsetting, bc it's not how many of us see ourselves. That itself can make the relationship worse, as the animal becomes a symbol of our own emotional shortcoming on top of our already existing indifference or dislike. Letting that indifference or dislike be okay is important to forming a relationship with that animal. Loving through action even when you can't feel the emotion- and being okay with that for a long time- can make a difference in the long run.

It seems like your problems with Alex are also heavily rooted in how you feel he treats Mal. Objectively assessing the quality of their relationship and whether anything can be done to improve it might be the key to deciding whether you want to keep trying with Alex or whether rehoming is the best action for your family.

 

[Loomer123]

This is an older thread, but the thoughtful replies were very heartening to read!

I also have a young cat (Dash) who I have never bonded with. He just isn't my type. It happens. It's no one's fault. I just don't like certain immutable aspects of his personality, or the dynamic between him and my 14-year-old cat. Dash is friendly, healthy, and (seems) happy. I treat him the same as the other two. My husband and son think he's great, so of course I'm the one he is obsessed with :/

I do wonder for - both of our sakes - if there is a better fit for Dash out there. Cats don't get a choice; they just have to accept the situation that humans place them in. He used to be an outdoor cat but for his safety that isn't possible in my neighborhood. Maybe he misses his freedom? I don't know. I could be overthinking his perspective too. I wish I could ask him!

 

[ArtNJ]

I feel like a cat's negative interactions with an older resident cat can be very hard to change sometimes, so I understand the decision to rehome when one realizes that the longtime resident has lasting and significant stress as a result of the newcomer. However, I also feel like its possible to increase the human-cat bond with a cat if you work at it, so is usually (with exceptions) a less good reason to rehome imho.

As far as stress from the newcomer, the trick is figuring out whether its "Get away from me you annoying loser, I wanna eat in peace without you trying to jump on my butt!" or "*&^! monster is here again, quick run hide, ITS STILL COMING". A little hissing, growling and even swatting is usually more of the former I think...not such a big deal in the scheme of things. Stress in the particular moment of interactions, but not all day long, and not something that wont improve over time.

 

[Adway]

I admire courage of Ellyr to come out & say this.

I have had couple of cats living with me recently (2 months, that makes the cats 4 months each). Luke is very aggressive cat, while Bruce is a teddy bear. I already know that Bruce is bonding with me, the way he approaches me when I am working and wedges himself in small spaces between the Sofa & me. Luke has done it once or twice too, but I somehow don't feel connected with him that way.

The thought of leaving him had crossed my mind too, but whatever else, I know that he is a very good company to Bruce.