I Dont Know Where To Start...

[Kiwi's Companion]

I lost my baby girl, Kiwi, on 8/20/2018. I made the choice to euthanize her. She was about 18 years old. After her death I needed to look into the feelings I was having (mainly the guilt and second guessing/hating of myself) which lead me to these forums... and here I am typing with no real roadmap as to what I want... or need to say. Perhaps I'm just hoping writing this stream of consciousness will be cathartic in some way. With that said I apologize for the random nature of my ramblings, but I digress.

My older brother first got Kiwi when she was a small kitten back around the year 2000 (remember when that sounded futuristic?). I remember playing with her when I would visit his apartment, and my wife (then girlfriend) distinctly remembers her giant ears and long rabbit like hind legs... two things that first endeared her to us aside from her sweet and playful nature. He had her for the better part of a year but he was living in a place that wasn't the best area for cats at the time. After he discovered someone near him had shot her with a pellet gun (I still get engaged thinking about that... she was so sweet) he decided to give her up. Having lost my Sugar (someone I had had with me from the age of 6 to my early 20s) about a year before I decided it was time for another friend, so I ended up taking her back with me. We first loved with my parents, then an apartment with my wife (still girlfriend at the time) then eventually we all moved into our current house around 2007. My wife and I adopted 2 more kittens a few years later and had a child of our own as well. Needless to say, Kiwi and I experienced a lot of changes and growth in our time together.

Fast forward to 2 years ago and we started to see her move on into her golden years. Her retired herself to being an indoor car instead of indoor/outdoor, she didnt play with her toys as much and everything else that's common with our elderly feline companions. She eventually developed something where her 3rd eyelids would be inflamed, but this was manageable with regular vet visits and various eyedrops and the occasional steroid injection. That was about 2 years ago. More recently her decline started. She had always been a tiny thing but she was getting very skinny. The vet didnt see this as a major issue but it was a noticable thing to my wife and me. Months later I noticed her urine became darker. I figured she was dehydrated and made sure to give her lots of fresh water and extra wet food. A few weeks later I noticed that this darkening had a pinkish tint to it and not soon after that it was apparent that she had blood in her urine.

We had lots of vet visits after that.

She had a uranalys which looked mostly normal so she was first treated with antibiotics. Hopefully it was a bladder infection.

That didn't help. She was still urinating blood but she had a VERY healthy appetite (3 to 4 pouches of her favorite wet food a day) and was drinking quite a bit of water.

We took her back to the vet for a follow up examination. He did xrays on her and saw her kidneys didnt seem enlarged or otherwise unhealthy for a cat of her advanced age.

Thats also when he found a mass in her abaomen. Out vet suggested we take her to a specialist internist for further examination and we did. They performed an ultrasound did a urine culture and a blood workup. It took a week to hear back from them.

Once we heard back it was good news. They didn't think the mass was malignant and that unless she lost her appetite or severely declined she should be okay for a good while even with the growth in her little belly... we also asked about the blood in her urine. Her urine culture was clean. No infection. The specialist didnt have an answer. She just wanted to do more tests which included sedating Kiwi and invasively taking some of her bladder for a biopsy.

We opted not to do this.

I went back to Kiwi's regular vet and had him go over her info from the specialist. He suggested giving her Ovaban for a week to see if that helps because it would reduce inflammation in her bladder, etc. It was 1 pill a day which I diligently gave to her. She was eating like a pig so this wasnt an issue. On her 5th night of treatment I gave her her wet food with the crushed up pill and she ate it like always. I retired to her and Kiwi slept on my daughters bed like she had taken to doing over the past year (I was jealous but I also knew my 6 year old daughter was giving Kiwi lots of loving attention). I woke up in the morning to have my wife tell me the car vomited under the bed and to clean it. I did, and assumed it was another one of her nasty wet hair all upchucks.

I was wrong.

After that she couldn't eat it drink. At first she would eat a bit but she wouldn't come close to finishing what I gave her. I thought she didnt like the food. I changed it, gave her more "gravy" (the part she liked best) and so on. Eventually it became clear that she wasbt eating or drinking at all anymore. She WANTED to but she couldn't. It pains me to think about it but she would wait patiently in her feeding spot like she always did but she wouldn't eat or drink. She would put her face in the bowl. Lick her lips. But she would not drink or take a bite.

This went in for 2 more days. I saw her go from being mobile and actively coming to us for love to... something else.

She was wasting away. Literally skin and bones. Shed react if you came to her to pet her but she had trouble getting up even on the foot stool we set up bu the bed as a "step" for her.

That Monday we had a follow up appointment with the vet again as she was supposed to have finished her medication course at that point. I knew the night before. I made her a spot on my bed and brought her up to my room. I tried to get her to drink or eat but it seemed like torture because I knew she WANTED to but couldn't (here come the tears again) so I took the feed down and let her rest.

I remember waking up a few times that night to make sure she was still there. I'd watch in the dark to see if she was still breathing. She was, and I finally went to aleep for the last time that night. In the morning she was gone so I immediately looked all over for her. Eventually I found her laying in her litterbox. It was apparent that she needed to eliminate urine (knew which was mostly blood at this point) and stayed in there so she didnt have to walk back and fourth. I took her out and tried to make her comfortable. She even came down stairs in the AM and sat for her feeding, except this time she barely made it down the stairs. She had fallen on the last step when reaching the 1st floor.

I knew it was bad. I called the vet and asked to be seen earlier and they did.

Our vet is very kind and after I explained everything he regretfully told me that he "didnt have any more tricks to make her feel better today". He said he could refer us back to the internist. My wife and I declined and have him the go ahead to euthanize my baby.

I feel so guilty. There are so many things I could have done differently both in her medical care as well as how I interacted with her. I should have been more acutely aware if my limited time but I went on as if everything was the same and I didn't pay extra special attention to her. I even feel guilty because I was more concerned with the situation in the vets office and how I and my wife were feeling than being focused in Kiwi. I was there. I spoke to her. I gave her love. I could have done more... and now I'll never have that chance again.

I wish I had a conclusion for this sad sob story, but today is only the 2nd day since her passing and I'm still in the middle of it all. In any regard, I realize I just wrote a novel for my first post and I don't expect anyone to have read that in its entirety. In fact I feel selfish for having written it. If you did happen to read it though, I thank you. At the very least I will have had someone knew about this amazing creature and that her name is Kiwi. I love her so much.

-Joe

 

[Furballsmom]

Kiwi, baby you were a wonderful feline companion and buddy.
Your troubles are over, and your grace and strength have been returned to you.
RIP sweetheart, your pawprints are on a heart forever

 

[boney girl dad]

So very sorry for your loss of Kiwi. Thanks for coming here to TCS. You provided very well for Kiwi. A long 18 year life is the proof. If we could have a hundred years with our kitty companions, it still would not be long enough. The guilt, sorrow, 2nd guessing, anxiety and other emotions we feel is the price of love. Real love. Many of us here have had similar experiences. I have been here since I lost my Boney Girl. The support here is great. I experienced that a 2nd time with the loss of my Xena. We never really get over these losses. Time eventually helps us cope. I can tell you that Kiwi is now in perfect condition in a perfect place. Allow your grief to run its course. As a man I can tell you grieving is not a weakness. It is a position of strength. I would like to hear any Kiwi stories and see some pictures when you feel up to it. Take care
Jim

 

[gareth]

Kiwi's pain has ended and yours has begun. I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm thankful that you were strong enough to let her go.

Sure you could have done things differently, but for what it's worth I can't see any point in your narrative where I would have behaved any differently. Sounds like your loved her, did you best for her and, when it became obvious there was nothing more to be done, you gave her freedom from her pain.

As for having no real roadmap, why don't you tell us more about Kiwi's life, and share any pictures you have - if you are up to it. We genuinely on here are always interested and enjoy hearing about people's cats, especially if they have cleared been loved and cared for.

As for yourself, be gentle. Grief is a kicker. It's very real. It can be truly traumatic. So allow yourself to grieve in whatever way, and for however long, you need. Lean on us here as and when you need. There's always people around, and we all understand.

best wishes, and so sorry for the loss of your little girl

Gareth

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Kiwi, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

First, no apologies are needed for either the length or the "rambling" nature of your post. Dear God, Man, that is what we are here for! I'm betting that every one of us reads every word of it, and weeps for your pain. We understand your guilt, just as we understand that there is no real reason for it. We KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that you loved Kiwi with all of your heart, and acted in her best interests, to the best of your knowlege, at EVERY TURN OF THE ROAD. What is far, far more important is that we know Kiwi knew this, too. She was cherished, and knew she was cherished. There was never a doubt in her mind about that, you can be sure. Love does not die, you know. Love changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides. Kiwi has put off her heavy coat of flesh and fur that could no longer support her great heart and sweet spirit. She dances on starlight now, ever near, ever Loving. She dances and she waits in a place where time is nothing for that day long in the future when you, too, put off your heavy coat of flesh and join her in her Dance. Dance on, Kiwi, Dance on.

 

[1 bruce 1]

I lost my baby girl, Kiwi, on 8/20/2018. I made the choice to euthanize her. She was about 18 years old. After her death I needed to look into the feelings I was having (mainly the guilt and second guessing/hating of myself) which lead me to these forums... and here I am typing with no real roadmap as to what I want... or need to say. Perhaps I'm just hoping writing this stream of consciousness will be cathartic in some way. With that said I apologize for the random nature of my ramblings, but I digress.

My older brother first got Kiwi when she was a small kitten back around the year 2000 (remember when that sounded futuristic?). I remember playing with her when I would visit his apartment, and my wife (then girlfriend) distinctly remembers her giant ears and long rabbit like hind legs... two things that first endeared her to us aside from her sweet and playful nature. He had her for the better part of a year but he was living in a place that wasn't the best area for cats at the time. After he discovered someone near him had shot her with a pellet gun (I still get engaged thinking about that... she was so sweet) he decided to give her up. Having lost my Sugar (someone I had had with me from the age of 6 to my early 20s) about a year before I decided it was time for another friend, so I ended up taking her back with me. We first loved with my parents, then an apartment with my wife (still girlfriend at the time) then eventually we all moved into our current house around 2007. My wife and I adopted 2 more kittens a few years later and had a child of our own as well. Needless to say, Kiwi and I experienced a lot of changes and growth in our time together.

Fast forward to 2 years ago and we started to see her move on into her golden years. Her retired herself to being an indoor car instead of indoor/outdoor, she didnt play with her toys as much and everything else that's common with our elderly feline companions. She eventually developed something where her 3rd eyelids would be inflamed, but this was manageable with regular vet visits and various eyedrops and the occasional steroid injection. That was about 2 years ago. More recently her decline started. She had always been a tiny thing but she was getting very skinny. The vet didnt see this as a major issue but it was a noticable thing to my wife and me. Months later I noticed her urine became darker. I figured she was dehydrated and made sure to give her lots of fresh water and extra wet food. A few weeks later I noticed that this darkening had a pinkish tint to it and not soon after that it was apparent that she had blood in her urine.

We had lots of vet visits after that.

She had a uranalys which looked mostly normal so she was first treated with antibiotics. Hopefully it was a bladder infection.

That didn't help. She was still urinating blood but she had a VERY healthy appetite (3 to 4 pouches of her favorite wet food a day) and was drinking quite a bit of water.

We took her back to the vet for a follow up examination. He did xrays on her and saw her kidneys didnt seem enlarged or otherwise unhealthy for a cat of her advanced age.

Thats also when he found a mass in her abaomen. Out vet suggested we take her to a specialist internist for further examination and we did. They performed an ultrasound did a urine culture and a blood workup. It took a week to hear back from them.

Once we heard back it was good news. They didn't think the mass was malignant and that unless she lost her appetite or severely declined she should be okay for a good while even with the growth in her little belly... we also asked about the blood in her urine. Her urine culture was clean. No infection. The specialist didnt have an answer. She just wanted to do more tests which included sedating Kiwi and invasively taking some of her bladder for a biopsy.

We opted not to do this.

I went back to Kiwi's regular vet and had him go over her info from the specialist. He suggested giving her Ovaban for a week to see if that helps because it would reduce inflammation in her bladder, etc. It was 1 pill a day which I diligently gave to her. She was eating like a pig so this wasnt an issue. On her 5th night of treatment I gave her her wet food with the crushed up pill and she ate it like always. I retired to her and Kiwi slept on my daughters bed like she had taken to doing over the past year (I was jealous but I also knew my 6 year old daughter was giving Kiwi lots of loving attention). I woke up in the morning to have my wife tell me the car vomited under the bed and to clean it. I did, and assumed it was another one of her nasty wet hair all upchucks.

I was wrong.

After that she couldn't eat it drink. At first she would eat a bit but she wouldn't come close to finishing what I gave her. I thought she didnt like the food. I changed it, gave her more "gravy" (the part she liked best) and so on. Eventually it became clear that she wasbt eating or drinking at all anymore. She WANTED to but she couldn't. It pains me to think about it but she would wait patiently in her feeding spot like she always did but she wouldn't eat or drink. She would put her face in the bowl. Lick her lips. But she would not drink or take a bite.

This went in for 2 more days. I saw her go from being mobile and actively coming to us for love to... something else.

She was wasting away. Literally skin and bones. Shed react if you came to her to pet her but she had trouble getting up even on the foot stool we set up bu the bed as a "step" for her.

That Monday we had a follow up appointment with the vet again as she was supposed to have finished her medication course at that point. I knew the night before. I made her a spot on my bed and brought her up to my room. I tried to get her to drink or eat but it seemed like torture because I knew she WANTED to but couldn't (here come the tears again) so I took the feed down and let her rest.

I remember waking up a few times that night to make sure she was still there. I'd watch in the dark to see if she was still breathing. She was, and I finally went to aleep for the last time that night. In the morning she was gone so I immediately looked all over for her. Eventually I found her laying in her litterbox. It was apparent that she needed to eliminate urine (knew which was mostly blood at this point) and stayed in there so she didnt have to walk back and fourth. I took her out and tried to make her comfortable. She even came down stairs in the AM and sat for her feeding, except this time she barely made it down the stairs. She had fallen on the last step when reaching the 1st floor.

I knew it was bad. I called the vet and asked to be seen earlier and they did.

Our vet is very kind and after I explained everything he regretfully told me that he "didnt have any more tricks to make her feel better today". He said he could refer us back to the internist. My wife and I declined and have him the go ahead to euthanize my baby.

I feel so guilty. There are so many things I could have done differently both in her medical care as well as how I interacted with her. I should have been more acutely aware if my limited time but I went on as if everything was the same and I didn't pay extra special attention to her. I even feel guilty because I was more concerned with the situation in the vets office and how I and my wife were feeling than being focused in Kiwi. I was there. I spoke to her. I gave her love. I could have done more... and now I'll never have that chance again.

I wish I had a conclusion for this sad sob story, but today is only the 2nd day since her passing and I'm still in the middle of it all. In any regard, I realize I just wrote a novel for my first post and I don't expect anyone to have read that in its entirety. In fact I feel selfish for having written it. If you did happen to read it though, I thank you. At the very least I will have had someone knew about this amazing creature and that her name is Kiwi. I love her so much.

-Joe

Hey Joe...
I understand your feelings of guilt because when we move the earth, moon and stars for someone we love we feel that guilt when they pass, no matter what their age.
Reading Kiwi's brief history, it sounds like you moved the earth, moon, and stars for her, and held them in place (maybe punched a star or two that went tried to get out of line ) so she could be happy. And she was for so many years.
I feel guilty if I step on an ant or a bug spats into my windshield, so I'm a bad one to talk, but you really shouldn't feel guilty even though it's not really uncommon (short term) because we care so much. And shouldn't feel any more than the normal mourning sadness. It's normal, but don't get yourself so upset that you can't function.
We used to do a lot with cat rescue. If Kiwi were a kitten I adopted out to you as a baby and I got this update, 18 years later, I would be so sad for you, but beaming at your devotion to her because that means we chose well and the companionship you two shared for so many years was a winning situation.
Brother, you did a lot for her. A LOT. Do you know how many people out there treat a sick cat like they're nothing but a pain the ass and don't care if they live or die? People spend thousands on a dog, but won't squeeze a $20 out of their butt to treat a cat that can easily be helped. You did, and much more. Kiwi was a lucky girl. She knew it then, and she knows it now.
One of the hardest lessons I learned as a kid was loss of pets, and I was told "if you love them, you have to learn how to handle losing them." The only bad thing about companion animals is their lifespans are too short. We want them to live forever and they just can't. If we could ask them to, I know they would try.
18 years is a great, great age. Many cats don't see this. My own in the past have seen 8 weeks to 22 years. Many of them hit the normal range of 14 or so, a few of them surpassed, but many saw 1, 2, 5 years, etc. It sucks and it's not fair.
Don't beat yourself up. I know you're hurting like hell and I don't disagree with that, but once some of the shock wears off, pretend your post you shared was written by someone else and consider all you've done. You wouldn't think that person had any need to feel guilty, but we are our own worst critics sometimes.
Best to you, Brother.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Kiwi's pain has ended and yours has begun. I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm thankful that you were strong enough to let her go.

Sure you could have done things differently, but for what it's worth I can't see any point in your narrative where I would have behaved any differently. Sounds like your loved her, did you best for her and, when it became obvious there was nothing more to be done, you gave her freedom from her pain.

As for having no real roadmap, why don't you tell us more about Kiwi's life, and share any pictures you have - if you are up to it. We genuinely on here are always interested and enjoy hearing about people's cats, especially if they have cleared been loved and cared for.

As for yourself, be gentle. Grief is a kicker. It's very real. It can be truly traumatic. So allow yourself to grieve in whatever way, and for however long, you need. Lean on us here as and when you need. There's always people around, and we all understand.

best wishes, and so sorry for the loss of your little girl

Gareth

This is such a good, real post and I really enjoyed it.
Grief IS a kicker. Grief hurts, emotionally and physically. It's like we've had the life sucked out of us and we can't even imagine how we will go on...but we do.
It's so personal but my experiences have been the first day or so is unspeakable. Don't ask me to talk. Don't ask questions. Just let me alone.
Days following, I grieve. I'm sad. I'm quiet and don't want to be bothered but kind words with no expected responses are taken in nicely and I appreciate.
Weeks later I can speak of it.
Months later, I can talk of the fun and cute things they did and laugh.
I lost such a precious dog of mine 5 years ago, and another 2.5 years ago. Only recently can I talk of them and laugh at their antics.
Time heals all wounds sounds like hokey crap from a fortune cookie but it is true. When we lost a pet or a friend, at first that pain is just raw and is physical (last dog we lost I thought I was having a heart attack after he was buried. True story!) but I wasn't. I was just not liking the idea of him buried in the yard when he should have been at my side.
Now, it's OK. We've planted flowers. We've hung flags. For those cremated, we designated a nice "memorial" area. We weeded, weed matted, mulched, planted flowers. We hung cheerful garden flags.
I can see the original poster here smiling dutifully and saying "That's all so nice", but man I'm here to tell you....after awhile, having that "nice" spot where they're buried or where you've chose to memorialize their "spot" (if cremated) helps. It's a nice place to visit and a relaxing area to tend to and keep looking nice. It helps us heal and helps us move on, at least IOE (in our experience).
Hope you're well, Kiwi's Companion . Check in when you can/are able to. No pressure.

 

[Kiwi's Companion]

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. I will be sure to follow up tomorrow. I think I'll take some advice I read on a different thread here and set aside some time specifically for grieving so hopefully I'll feel up to sharing Kiwi's life instead of her death.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Thank you for the kind words, everyone. I will be sure to follow up tomorrow. I think I'll take some advice I read on a different thread here and set aside some time specifically for grieving so hopefully I'll feel up to sharing Kiwi's life instead of her death.

I think this is very good advice you got.
Update when you can.

 

[di and bob]

Your post is almost a carbon copy of what I could write about my Burt. He went through everything you describe above, from wanting to eat, but couldn't, the mass, sleeping in the litter box, ALL of it. It made me cry to read it. He was seventeen.....
It does help to put your feelings down and try to make sense of past decisions and the journey into grief. It hurts our very souls to watch the decline of someone we love, helpless and trying all to no avail. And there will always be something we think of later that we think could have helped, of things we should have handled better, because that is what grief is. Try not to go there. I know it is impossible, but your sweet Kiwi would never want to bring you such pain. Because that is what love is, what you would want for her if you were the first to go. Her love is no less. Don't make the death have more importance in your life than her life. Her life was so much more meaningful and important.
Send her thoughts of thankfulness and joy. For having known her, for having shared a love that few do. It hurts so very badly when they have to follow a different path, but know in your heart that path will always follow your own, she will be as near as your thoughts and prayers. Her sweet face is physically no longer in your world, but not even death can take away your memories, the love you will securely hold in your heart for eternity. The bond you have built over all those years will keep you connected. Use it for comfort, knowing she is doing the same.
My heart goes out to you. We are the authors of the same book of pain. I am thankful my Burt's pain is over, that he is at peace now and his suffering has ended. I know that you, like me, miss them terribly in our lives, but have enough memories of their sweet love to last a lifetime. That we can feel their presence close by, loving us and sending us into the future with their love in our hearts and their memories in our thoughts and dreams.
Take care my friend, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
RIP precious Kiwi. You will never be forgotten, you will always be loved so dearly. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Kiwi's Companion]

I dont think I can tall about her life just yet. I did want to share this though... my 6 year old daughter had also grown very fond of Kiwi in the past few years. They slept together and my Daughter, Taylor would play with her every day. The first thing she would do after coming home was to go find Kiwi and carry her around and talk to her. She made this card on that day that Kiwi died. Having to tell her that we euthanized our baby cat (we called her old lady cat) was almost as hard as being there when they gave Kiwi her final medication. My daughter come up with everything here on her own and I was surprised to see her write this. It was also extremely painful to read. For those who can't read 6 year old, please allow me to translate:

"Holiday Dreams

Kiwi, i hope you have a good life in the under world. I hope you make new friends. I will always love you.

P.S. Send a message.

Love,
Taylor S. "

 

[les26]

You did all that you could, it is the grief that has ahold of you mentally right now and it loves to play mind games, but you did everything right and she was hurting, she lived as long as she could but I'm sure is relieved to be out of her pain riddled body, but she is fine now, just fine, and you will see her again one day and it will be wonderful. It is always hard to have to "play God", but in this case it was the humane thing to do albeit the toughest thing too.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless....

 

[Mamanyt1953]

"And a little child shall lead them." She knows, oh, that one knows. And she may well get that message.

 

[Kiwi's Companion]

"And a little child shall lead them." She knows, oh, that one knows. And she may well get that message.

I very much wish this to be true.

 

[gareth]

If there is a kitty heaven my Eva will be there. She loved EVERYTHING so Kiwi will be making a new loyal friend.

Of course, that also means my cat Caitlin will be there. Caitlin hated EVERYTHING so it's possible Kiwi and Eva are up a tree right now staring down at her in happy contempt because despite being ferocious Caitlin would never climb a tree.

I very much wish this to be true.

I have a slightly different take on it. My little Eva has gone from the physical world. That means I can't hold her in my arms, hear her purr, listen to her miaow.and that's terribly sad.

But in so very many ways she is still here. The atoms that made her will never leave the universe. They just became Eva for a while. I loved her when she was with me, and I love her five years after she left. Memories of her used to make me laugh, and they still do. To be honest, apart from the physical presence, not much has changed. I like to think I carry her with me these days. A little piece of my heart died when she did, and when the grief passed that hole was filled with my memories of her. I carry her in my heart, safe from all the hurt and pain in the world. She will never know hunger. She will never feel cold, or lonely. She will rest against my heart and take comfort from my warmth. And I will keep her wrapped up safe inside me where no-one, and nothing can ever cause her fear or pain. When I feel lonely, or sad, or afraid, I imagine her curled in my heart, purring softly. I know she'd want me to laugh and smile.

So I feel that although I lost Eva, and miss her physical presence, much of what she was is still with me. Sometimes, in my dreams, I can hear her purr, and I know that nothing ends, ceertainly not the love my cat and I had for each other. I have no idea whether there is an afterlife for cats or indeed humans, but I know the Eva's death in no way diminished my love for her, or her impact on my life.

 

[Kiwi's Companion]

If there is a kitty heaven my Eva will be there. She loved EVERYTHING so Kiwi will be making a new loyal friend.

Of course, that also means my cat Caitlin will be there. Caitlin hated EVERYTHING so it's possible Kiwi and Eva are up a tree right now staring down at her in happy contempt because despite being ferocious Caitlin would never climb a tree.



I have a slightly different take on it. My little Eva has gone from the physical world. That means I can't hold her in my arms, hear her purr, listen to her miaow.and that's terribly sad.

But in so very many ways she is still here. The atoms that made her will never leave the universe. They just became Eva for a while. I loved her when she was with me, and I love her five years after she left. Memories of her used to make me laugh, and they still do. To be honest, apart from the physical presence, not much has changed. I like to think I carry her with me these days. A little piece of my heart died when she did, and when the grief passed that hole was filled with my memories of her. I carry her in my heart, safe from all the hurt and pain in the world. She will never know hunger. She will never feel cold, or lonely. She will rest against my heart and take comfort from my warmth. And I will keep her wrapped up safe inside me where no-one, and nothing can ever cause her fear or pain. When I feel lonely, or sad, or afraid, I imagine her curled in my heart, purring softly. I know she'd want me to laugh and smile.

So I feel that although I lost Eva, and miss her physical presence, much of what she was is still with me. Sometimes, in my dreams, I can hear her purr, and I know that nothing ends, ceertainly not the love my cat and I had for each other. I have no idea whether there is an afterlife for cats or indeed humans, but I know the Eva's death in no way diminished my love for her, or her impact on my life.

Thank you Gareth. This actually means a lot to me given my uncertainty with what lies beyond the impenetrable veil of death. It also brought to mind that if there is indeed a place like we describe, Kiwi is being shown the ropes by my first love, Sugar. Sugar was a sweetie and quite the mouser. I got her for my 6th birthday and was with me until my early 20s. From the best that we can tell she lived to be 19 years old before I had to end her unfortunate suffering. Not a bad feat given that she was an indoor/outdoor cat for all of her life. The thought of this is quite comforting and as my daughter said perhaps she is making all sort of new friends like your beloved Eva. Once again many thanks for these words.

 

[di and bob]

Out of the mouth of babes..... her innocence touched my soul, I pray she receives the sign she is looking for!

 

[Kiwi's Companion]

Out of the mouth of babes..... her innocence touched my soul, I pray she receives the sign she is looking for!

As do I. I intend to keep that note along with Kiwi's ashes once they are returned to us. I'm sad to say the vet told us it would be about 2 weeks before Kiwi is returned to us. I really wish we could have her remains here now.

 

[1 bruce 1]

I dont think I can tall about her life just yet. I did want to share this though... my 6 year old daughter had also grown very fond of Kiwi in the past few years. They slept together and my Daughter, Taylor would play with her every day. The first thing she would do after coming home was to go find Kiwi and carry her around and talk to her. She made this card on that day that Kiwi died. Having to tell her that we euthanized our baby cat (we called her old lady cat) was almost as hard as being there when they gave Kiwi her final medication. My daughter come up with everything here on her own and I was surprised to see her write this. It was also extremely painful to read. For those who can't read 6 year old, please allow me to translate:

"Holiday Dreams

Kiwi, i hope you have a good life in the under world. I hope you make new friends. I will always love you.

P.S. Send a message.

Love,
Taylor S. "

That is so precious...6 year old kids are so honest and sweet.
Keep that kid AND her letter nearby during this time. She can help you heal just as much as you can help her heal.

 

[1 bruce 1]

As do I. I intend to keep that note along with Kiwi's ashes once they are returned to us. I'm sad to say the vet told us it would be about 2 weeks before Kiwi is returned to us. I really wish we could have her remains here now.

2 weeks is awhile, but that time will go fast, and you may find yourself to be in a better state of mind (less shock) when the day comes to bring her back home.
Hang in there...we're here for you!