I can't connect to my cat

[negara]

Hi

My cat Charlie is white Persian. 4 yo who has been with us for 3 weeks due to his last owner moving away.

I have several problems and issues with him.

I have to mention first that I am absolutely a cat lover. Had a cat for 7 years and loved him to pieces. He dies 8 years ago and it still hurts to think about him.

The other thing is Charlie was often neglected emotionally in his previous home. He was well fed and medically cared for but was never petted or hugged or anything. It was a family of four: dad, mom, 9 and 1  yo daughters. So he was nobody's cat really, Just a family cat/piece of furniture to them.

This family is my relative so whenever I visited I felt so sorry for Charlie and really wished they would give it to me when they moved away so I could give him a better life. Which they did , but it seems I can't.

Charlie is very reserved. He sleeps 20 hours a day at least and likes to lay in covered areas: under coffe tables , under the sheets... He is absolutely not playful. I've bought and made several toys for him which he doesn't touch. He doesn't touch his scratching board.

He never lets us pick him up or hold him and we never do unless its for cleaning his eyes or doing some other nasty thing to him.

All our waking hours he's sleeping and when we go to bed he yells for us to come back. He yells in the morning or the middle of the night if we get up to go to the bathroom although I've scheduled his feeding so he's not hungry then.

I can't connect to him in any way. He doesn't do any cat things. My husband has also lived in a household with cats throughout his life and this cat is nothing like what we've seen.

He is extremely depressed and dispirited all the time. There is no cheering him up unless he does some forbidden thing like sit on the kitchen counter.

I'm at a loss and am running out of patience with him. I know for a fact that my husband secretly regrets adopting him. The lack of quality sleep for this long , added to the fact that he brings us no sense of fulfillment or joy , is very fussy about food and makes me throw away tens of dollars worth of cat food every week and that he is white and long haired and flat faced and keeps getting himself dirty and needs lots of maintenence is wearing my patience thin. By the way I gladly do all the grooming and work but I wish I got some sort of loving feeling from him to see me through the day. I wish I could get a good night's sleep. I wish I didn't have to face my husband every time Charlie messes up and see it in his eyes that he is wishing for me to give up on Charlie too.

Also , the last stroke was that I have discovered he is a liar and a fraud. He is very well behaved when we are around and doesn't go near the things and places he shouldn't. But once or twice I've caught him in the middle of the night when he thinks we won't be coming out of the bedroom, in the very places he never goes near during the day. I've found out that he cheats us and goes wherever he shouldn't while we're not there. This really broke my heart.. I don't know what they used to do to him as punishment but it has driven him into this fraud and it upsets me. I really value honesty in people and I don't see why a cat should be such a cheat. None of our cats ever were.

My old cat who died was so cute , so lovely , so spoilt I let him do whatever he wanted because he was worth it. I avoided getting a cat for 8 years because I couldn't go through with the pain of the loss again , but now I feel like I can't let myself like Charlie maybe because I'm scared of being hurt again. And he is not helpng either.

Please tell me what to do. I need for us to love eachother or I can't take it much longer.

 

[Willowy]

Maybe you need to change your feelings on some things? Cats are never "liars", "cheats" or "frauds" and they can't be dishonest. Cats just do cat things. I can see why you wouldn't like him if you think that way about him, but it's just the wrong way to think about a cat. He's not a human. And what are all the things he does to "mess up"? Again, cats just do cat things, they don't mess up. If there are things you don't want him to do, you have to teach him those things. . .he's only been with you for 3 weeks; if you moved in with a new family, I bet you wouldn't know all the house rules after only 3 weeks .

One way to reset a cat's internal clock is to choose one day you don't have to do anything and keep him up all day (or at least all afternoon). By bedtime he should be tired and hopefully that will reset his brain so he stays up during the day and goes to bed at night. It's funny that he's vocal--Persians rarely are! Is he neutered? If not, maybe he's calling for ladies .

If he's too fussy, let him be a bit hungry. You can't starve a cat into not being fussy, but missing one or 2 meals won't hurt a young healthy cat, and hunger is good for the appetite. Don't cater to him; put the food down, don't fuss over him, and if he doesn't eat it don't give him anything else. If he skips more than 2 meals you'll have to find something he'll eat, but don't make a big deal over it. He'll eat it or he won't, it's nothing personal to you.

Sometimes we just need to reset our own expectations .

 

[negara]

Dear Willow, thanks for the prompt and considerate answer.

Maybe you need to change your feelings on some things? Cats are never "liars", "cheats" or "frauds" and they can't be dishonest.

You know I understand cat naughtiness , my old cat was naughty but as I said kind of justified the little messes he made by being cute. I know it's unfair what I'm saying , but this cat is not giving me anything to bed the rules for.

 
One way to reset a cat's internal clock is to choose one day you don't have to do anything and keep him up all day (or at least all afternoon). By bedtime he should be tired and hopefully that will reset his brain so he stays up during the day and goes to bed at night.

This is a great idea, I do try to keep him up during the day as I'm home most days, But problem is , being not interested in toys whatsoever there's just nothing that could keep him up. I wake him up , feed him , pet him , clean his eyes , turn on the TV on something noisy , push his toys towards him , brush him , and then he goes right back to sleep.

It's funny that he's vocal--Persians rarely are! Is he neutered?

He is neutured. And it's not that kind of call. It a sort of upset calling us names knd of call.

 Like why did u leave me?

If he's too fussy, let him be a bit hungry. You can't starve a cat into not being fussy, but missing one or 2 meals won't hurt a young healthy cat, and hunger is good for the appetite. Don't cater to him; put the food down, don't fuss over him, and if he doesn't eat it don't give him anything else. If he skips more than 2 meals you'll have to find something he'll eat, but don't make a big deal over it. He'll eat it or he won't, it's nothing personal to you.

This one's a great idea. Right now I have his dry food bowl , full and available at all times and then feed him wet food twice daily. If I remove the dry food then maybe he'll have to eat the wet food any ways.

Thank you.

 

[Willowy]

See, thinking more positively always helps! Don't think of his meowing as calling you names (remember, he's a cat and does cat things, not human things), but he misses you and is calling you back. That might make you feel happier about it. I'm sure he misses his last family, too, even if they didn't do much with him. Cats hate to change their routines, even for the better. You'll get used to each other eventually!

Also remember that Persians are bred pretty much to be fluffy pillows that eat. So don't expect a lot in the way of activity, especially because he's no longer a kitten. But I do think he'll be more affectionate onc e he gets used to everything.

 

[p3 and the king]

Well, you have to remember that cats are creatures of habit.  Old habits die hard with cats.  3 weeks is not really that long.  It can take months for him to get used to you and living in your home.  You call him a liar, fraud and cheat.  Well, maybe this is happening at night because cats are nocturnal.  Instead of thinking of him as if he is these negative things, you can realize and chalk it up to the fact that he is nocturnal by nature.  Cats don't have it in them to be all those negative things.  He isn't used to be held and petted, either.  He is used to be "a piece of furniture" so he has made a life of being invisible.  It's only natural for him to be a little unsure or uncomfortable in the early stages of this process especially. 

As far as Persians not being vocal or active go, I am afraid I have to disagree with Willowy.  I have 2 Persians.  They are both pretty vocal.  They are vocal when happy especially.  So he is trying to bond with you, I think.  One is very active.  The other is pretty active herself.  I think the not being active and not cuddly happens to be the product of his live previous. 

Give him time and patience.  Give him understanding and love.  Remember that he is a cat and this is all new to him and he needs time to adjust. As I do agree that older cats especially hate to have their "routine" or normal, what they think of as normal, turned upside down.  Expect some growing pains and adjusting pains.  Try not to be disheartened.  Your frustration and negativity, whether you know it or not, is very evident to him and that will make the process even longer and harder. 

 

[jennyr]

I am sorry you are feeling this way about him, but he may be feeling just as anxious. His world has changed and he doesn't know how to adapt. He can only do what he was expected to do before and what he was used to doing, for which he was fed and and left alone. You will have to work hard to change four years of that, but I expect he will be a happier cat at the end of it. Willowy is right in saying that none of his behaviour is deliberately aimed at upsetting you - he has learned that he can do things when noone is around that he cannot do when there is. This is why we do not encourage people to 'punish' cats by using things like spray bottles - it only teaches cats to avoid the people with the water, not to change their behaviour.

He is, in his own way, trying to bond with you by showing you he is upset when you are not there. Build on this by sitting near him when you can - cats who are friends do not always touch each other but often sit in the same locality. When he looks at you blink long and hard - that means 'I like you'. Gradually he may come to accept you being closer. AS a Persian he will need a lot of grooming, talk to him gently, using his name a lot as you brush him and he will come to associate you and his name with nice feelings. Find out if he likes treats - some do some don't, but if there is something he likes then use that to play with him, whether it be catnip balls or morcels of his favourite food. One of my cats, Persil, adores hard cheese and will 'hunt' small morsels of it. Then you can progress to toys. But some cats will never play with conventional toys so you may have to accept that.

Good luck, I think you just have to realise that this cat has been emotionally deprived, has learnt to avoid a world that ignores him, and needs a lot of help.

 

[mani]

All the advice above is excellent.... I'm always so impressed with the knowledge on this site. 

It can be really hard to have had a wonderful companion cat and then lose him or her, and really want that same friend again.  And of course it doesn't happen.  Your new boy will show you his true character over time, and right now you can know that you have done a really good thing by giving him a loving home, and you can love him just as he is.

 

[txcatmom]

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/cat-types

Hi.  The link above is to my favorite cat blog.  She has great insight into cat personality types.  If you are interested, it might help you understand the differences between your former and current cat.  Persians are usually "gamma" types, the third type she describes so you'd have to scroll down a bit.  The blog is full of great info, including tips on bonding with cats.  Hope you find it helpful.

 

[negara]

. Build on this by sitting near him when you can - cats who are friends do not always touch each other but often sit in the same locality. When he looks at you blink long and hard - that means 'I like you'.

The blinking is such a cute idea. I'll try it , thanks.

Also , yes he likes treats. I feed him treats after cleaning his eyes.

Thanks for the insight.

 

[negara]

http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/cat-types

Hi.  The link above is to my favorite cat blog.  She has great insight into cat personality types.  If you are interested, it might help you understand the differences between your former and current cat.  Persians are usually "gamma" types, the third type she describes so you'd have to scroll down a bit.  The blog is full of great info, including tips on bonding with cats.  Hope you find it helpful.

Thank you. Yes I have read that and do see the differences. Charlie is a 'gamma' but Peeeshy was an 'alpha'.

 

[jokasta]

Also , the last stroke was that I have discovered he is a liar and a fraud. He is very well behaved when we are around and doesn't go near the things and places he shouldn't. But once or twice I've caught him in the middle of the night when he thinks we won't be coming out of the bedroom, in the very places he never goes near during the day. I've found out that he cheats us and goes wherever he shouldn't while we're not there. This really broke my heart.. I don't know what they used to do to him as punishment but it has driven him into this fraud and it upsets me. I really value honesty in people and I don't see why a cat should be such a cheat. None of our cats ever were.

Please don't think of it this way. Cats have no morality system. Honesty in people has nothing to do with 'honesty in cats', they're just acting upon their impulses... and, if you're lucky enough, according to the rules you have set. 

My cat is very sweet and tame during the day. She knows she's not allowed to bite or use her claws, but during the night, I will occasionally catch her nibbling on my toes. I don't think this was part of her grand scheme to cheat me. She just spotted a good opportunity to satisfy her curiosity and is using it. That' s just the way cats are.

Back to your larger post, I am very very sympathetic to your situation. I know how it's like to live in the house with a pet you can't bond with - happened with my mother's dog years ago. I would say give it a lot of time and love and patience, and if you still cannot find it within yourself to like Charlie, then ask yourself if you cannot keep him in spite of it. Because from what you tell us, he's way better with people that at least *try* to like him, than with people who have treated him as a piece of furniture.   

Best of luck, and keep us posted, please!  

 

[negara]

Thank you all for the replies. They're absolutely heartwarming.

I do feel a bit guilty about the fraud and cheat part. But let me elaborate:

Charlie is very well behaved when we're around. In fact his behavior's too good to be true,

See , there are certain surfaces he's never attempted to go on , much to our delight. For instance our bed , the coffee table , the dining table , and the kitchen counter. These are surfaces he's never attempted to go on , so we never told him NOT to go on them. We were just happy he didn't.

But every time I come out of the room at night or some time during the day whe he doesn't expect me to , I find him just sitting and looking at me on one of these tables. So you know I'm very upset. If he HAD tried to go on these surfaces , and we'd told him off , I wouldn't feel this way because I understand cat naughtiness. But somehow his old family has taught him to behave perfectly when the family is around and keep his curiousity for when they are not. That is cheating us isn't it?

 

[mani]

Honestly, Negara, that is just "cat".  To put the way we think and our actions to him just simply doesn't apply. 

He obviously just doesn't feel comfortable getting on to those places when you are around, and does it when you aren't.  Cheating isn't even a concept that has any meaning at all for him.

And if you haven't made it clear you don't want him on those places, then it isn't even naughty.  It is just what he does.

 

[missymotus]

Classic cat, and why many of us don't bother about cats on tables or kitchen benches - though mine are trained to not come up while there's food prep or eating happening - as soon as your back is turned or you leave the house the cats will do as they please. It's far easier to just wipe down the surface before preparing food.

 

[whollycat]

Thank you all for the replies. They're absolutely heartwarming.
...But somehow his old family has taught him to behave perfectly when the family is around and keep his curiousity for when they are not. That is cheating us isn't it?

Aw, Charlie sounds like such a sweet, precious, fuzzy-wuzzy boy! I really feel for him because he was like "be seen, and not heard" at his previous home. Poor bubby! It was like he didn't exist, so I bet he feels more comfortable to do the things that you might perceive as undesirable, for the time being, when you're not around. Thing is, kitties love vertical spaces, so he's only doing what is an innate part of him as a kitty. Please don't get upset with him when he does this, please; he's exploring his new world and not doing anything to be conceived in any way, shape, or form as "cheating." 'Meow' is in their vocabulary, 'cheating,' not so much.

You have to give this little guy a chance to get used to his new surroundings and you--on his terms. It might take quite awhile because he's been abused/neglected. He's adapted in the only way he knew how and it severely limited is perception of his world. (Humans are unkind, and nobody loves me.) He wasn't taught to behave perfectly, he was abused into submission, IMO. They broke his sweet little spirit. Oh man...tears.

Sit quietly with him. Talk softly to him. Read a book to him. Sing gently to him. Let him know that it's okay to be himself. Use feeding time to bond by talking to him and telling him it's going to be alright. Feel his pain and distrust of humans, let him know that he's not just a piece of furniture to you...and forget any preconceived notions you have about him being a "cheat" or other derogatory words--kitties are uniquely kitties, they have no agenda like you are trying to label him with. They are special little beings that deserve love and respect for who and what they are.

Does he have a kitty tree? Window seat to look out a window? I would provide these for him. He needs some vertical space that he can call his own. It might also help with counter surfing when you're not around--but so what if it doesn't; the kitty tree, etc. are for his pleasure, something that has been sorely missing in his life. In time if you give him love and attention (on his terms) I feel he will come around and be the best little buddy you ever had.

 

[otto]

Poor Charlie, he's lost his whole world. He doesn't know what has happened to his family or his home. It can take months and months for a cat to adjust to a new home, and remember he is grieving the loss of his family, too.

When he calls at night he is most likely talking about his losses and calling for his family.

Also remember that in his old home, you observed that he was not treated with affection, so he doesn't know how to respond to that, yet. But he will learn with your gentle love and patience.

It actually sounds to me like he's doing very well, and after only 3 weeks!

Please try to not make comparisons to your passed cat . Every cat is an individual.

Be patient and loving and a time will come when you can't imagine life without him. But he needs time.

 

[redvelvetone]

It actually sounds to me like he's doing very well, and after only 3 weeks!
 

I was going to say the same thing

My previous cat experience were rescue kitties that were strays or unwanted cats that became part of our lives and they usually warmed up to us very quickly when they saw the good situation they were in now. My first cat that I had as an adult, was a big chill red-headed boy that nothing fazed. I got him in my early 20s and I must have moved 8 times during the course of his life. He adapted very quickly to most situations and he was a total sweet heart with me, always cuddling and wanting to sit wherever I was. If I came into the room he had to run up to me and sit in my lap. He died this past November and I was heartbroken.

Then I adopted a little feral kitten from a rescue group (at 5 months old). My husband and I had to be very patient with this guy. He stayed in our bedroom for a month, living under our bed because he did not feel comfortable exploring the rest of the house yet and was very timid. He'd be affectionate with us if we played or petted him under the bed but he was very skittish and whenever he'd come out from under the bed, if there was any sudden movement, he'd dive back under the bed again.  

It took stages for him to get comfortable with us. First he started exploring the immediate surroundings at night when were were in bed. My husband and I used to hold our breaths and pretend to be asleep and watch him go around the room because we were excited he was getting bold enough to come out from under the bed. We didnt' even get mad when he ruined an Asian room divider by climbing up it (and shredding the paper screens) because we were happy that he felt comfortable "being bold" enough to climb up it. (we ended up replacing with another room divider that was all wood which did not attract him for climbing, and got him a cat tree to use instead. This worked for both of us - point being, we had to adapt the space for a cat not expect the cat to know to not do certain things that are human inventions).

Eventually Magnus started exploring the rest of the house and being comfortable enough to stay outside the bedroom. We actually had to teach him it was OK to come on the bed with us, and OK to come on the couch (we used treats) because he was afraid to climb up on things (he prefers going under things instead). He still has never jumped up on a counter top and only jumps up on one coffeetable that is close to a window, which I don't mind). I got him a window perch which he absolutely loves and spends hours there every day. Maybe try one for Charlie if you don't have one already.

All of this took the course of several months. Every once in a blue moon I see him on space where I don't want him to be (I have an art studio I work out of and I don't want him getting into the paints and on the artworks) and all I say is "Magnus" loudly adn he knows to jump off the space (and then I pet him or give him attention to reward him and to let him know I am not mad).

I've had Magnus for about 10 months now and he's still adapting to us. He'll never be laid back like my old cat Harley (the red boy) but he's lovely in his own unique way and shows us he loves us in his own way (and you'll need to be patient to allow Charlie to show you how he'll love you in his own unique way).

The fact that charlie is starting to "be bad" means he is starting to get comfortable in his new surroundings. Cats are not "bad". You can't think of them as like people or treat them like humans. They have different ways of being. My husband and I were actually thrilled when Magnus started doing a few things that were "bad" because it meant he was comfortable with us instead of running and hiding and keeping out of the way. Let Charlie adapt at his own pace and show him what it means to have affection from his owner. 

If he does anything that is really unacceptable (any aggression for example) we just say no and blow on his face. The blowing on the face startles him out of what he's doing and he stops. never ever hit your cat, and don't "discipline" them because this does not work, only makes your pet afraid of you. You reward for good behavior only. GIve him alternatives if you dont' want him doing something. If charlie likes to climb up on the furniture, get him a cat tree or other vertical spaces that he is allowed to use throughout the house and praise him whenever he uses them. put treats on them or toys or catnip.

Hope this helps. Just be patient and it's so good you adopted Charlie from a home where he was ignored. Just be patient, show lots of love, and let Charlie adapt at his own pace. Good luck!

 

[catwoman707]

All the advice is great, and I was going to say what otto said too, his talking or crying at night is his being displaced, in 3 weeks he does not know that this is his new home, etc.

In time his wonderful and individual personality will shine through, he will learn to adapt to your schedule, etc.

In rescue, kittens I adopt out adapt nearly instantly, whereas the adults (who I always have the soft spot for) take time to adjust. Often times I end up counciling their adoptors to help them through their adjustment period.

Some know it takes time, while others suprise me with emails saying they don't think the cat is happy, etc. after just days/a week or 2, and it's just too soon.

I tell them imagine if you adopted a 4 year old child, how different they would be and feel, longing for their former home, even if it were abusive. It's all they knew.

I would also recommend closing yourself and Charlie into a room alone, and lay on the floor at his lwevel, and talk to him, pet him, brush him, tease/tempt him with a little furry mouse or a laser light, try some catnip, 65% of all cats LOVE it, if he happens to be one of them he will show you more of his personality.

I also have an all white persian, Simone, she is more vocal than my other cats.Give him a chance before deciding you don't like him or regret getting him. I feel sorry for him.

 

[otto]

...snip...


I would also recommend closing yourself and Charlie into a room alone, and lay on the floor at his lwevel, and talk to him, pet him, brush him, tease/tempt him with a little furry mouse or a laser light, try some catnip, 65% of all cats LOVE it, if he happens to be one of them he will show you more of his personality.

I also have an all white persian, Simone, she is more vocal than my other cats.Give him a chance before deciding you don't like him or regret getting him. I feel sorry for him.

Excellent excellent advice. I spend a lot of time on the floor with my cats. They love it and gather round as soon as they see me get down.

Also, along the same line, make sure he has furniture he is allowed on, in every room, so he can be up near your level when you aren't on the floor with him. Cats like to be up high. Above you sometimes, but often they just want to be above your waist level so they can see you and be seen by you. Nobody, including cats, want to look at legs all the time.

Please do keep us posted on Charlie. I'm sure in time you and he will develop a wonderful bond.