I am starting to hate all men

[gothic_amethyst]

Originally posted by RaggieMom
naw...i fully agree with you Deb and i'm a "mere" 21. i don't think this is a generational thing. as i said earlier, there is NO excuse to cheat, and if you do, you don't truly love the person you're with or else you wouldn't disrespect them that way or cause them that pain. If they can't communicate to begin with, then the relationship is already doomed.

I truly loved Lyle at the time when I did, but It happened anyway. My reason was I felt alone and was too stupid to talk to him. I didnt truly want to cheat..I just wanted something different something new to try and make me feel better. I regretted it though and I will the rest of my life. I'm just lucky that things turned out the way they did with Lyle and I. He understood and HE chose what to do going by how much he loves me and how much he could tell that I love him despite what I did. It's been about 2 years ago and so far no problems. Ocassionally something will remind one of us of what happened and we just talk about it and how we feel and spend the day making each other happy as always. Luckily for us we communicate good. So good infact we have never had an argument in the last 2 years that lasted over 2 mins. We hardly even have those! Everyone says yeah right...but it's true. If you have good enough communication, love, and try to work on the relationship daily there are alot less arguments. We never let each other stay mad or keep anything from each other...whoa Im rambling enough about us...sorry..I'm just in a havnt seen Lyle in days missing him mood. Sorry

 

[gothic_amethyst]

Originally posted by Deb25

Phew. I thought for a second that I was old.....

YOU are NOT old!!! Why do people insist on going by the #?????
Age is what you allow it to be. Just like beauty age is on the inside!!!

 

[gothic_amethyst]

Originally posted by valanhb
If this was the first time, and she really felt the relationship was worth it, then yes - talk to him about the underlying reasons. More than once? The underlying reason is because he can and he isn't going to change.

When we were dating, Earl cheated on me. The day I found out I had his things packed up and waiting at the door. After a while we started talking again, and later still dating again (something we hadn't really done at the beginning of our relationship - he moved in with me a week after we met!). We did figure out the underlying reasons and worked together to make the changes within both of us to make it work. And there were a lot of underlying reasons, but no matter what was going on it doesn't excuse what he did. He knows that now. And he also knows that if he EVER does it again, no matter if it's 20 years from now, he's out and it's over permanently.

Once may be a "mistake" or dealing in an unhealthy manner with problems in the relationship. And it may not be, too. But twice or more? That's on purpose and is a total lack of respect for the person and the relationship. No amount of gifts or good treatment makes up for a lack of respect, IMO.

This is like what happened with Lyle. I agree that one should be it and I understand Lyle once saying that it would kill him if it happened again and because of the hurt he couldnt stay with me and I would lose him. My whole point was if she tells him how hurt she is and give him the same type of warning, she can see his reaction. Judging by that she will be able to see if he even cares about what he's done. The whole problem with them is they never got conceling or talked about it the first time and fixed it then. That's y Iwanted them to try now. It may not be too late. They may find the problem, fix it, and it never happen again. I just didnt want her to regret trying. If she did and his reaction was a 'I dont care' thats when she would know to move on because he doesnt even love her enough to TRY.

 

[raggiemom]

well, DH and i argue even less than you two, but i still say that if you love some one 100% and truly, you won't even think of looking anywhere else. PERIOD. because if you do, there is a gap in that love that that other person didn't fill. No matter what, i find cheating to be repulsive and unforgivable. DH feels the same way.

trade places with you on not seeing sig. other...i'm on day 241 without mine. and i have to go until at least April. hope that makes your own trial a little easier, because it could always be much much worse.

 

[gothic_amethyst]

Originally posted by TTMom
I don't think you can necessarily go by their total behavior. You need to base your decision on their behavior towards you. The first cat I had when I was with this guy adored him and he adored her. He also loved his kids and everyone kept telling me how he'd never hurt a woman and he treated his Mama extra special.

Turned out all he ever did was mistreat me, but he was charming and he lured me in with gifts and treating me like gold and then whamo! My parents could see it coming, but a lot of people did not.

Yes but what I listed was more of a first sign thing. Anytime anyone is purposefully cruel to a animal or child that right there means RUN! AS for how they are with you, that depends on other factors like temper, controlling etc. It's really hard to tell. They say to go with your gut instict...believe me it works.

 

[raggiemom]

no...he's cheated TWICE and she already stated that they talked about it. he's had one chance too many already. and if she respects herself enough which is the real issue here, she knows it. no self-respecting person will stay with someone who's cheated on them at least 2 known times. it's time for the door and for WM to take some time for herself and find someone who's going to love her and respect her 100%.

i'm sick of today's touchy-feely nonsense!

 

[gothic_amethyst]

Originally posted by RaggieMom
no...he's cheated TWICE and she already stated that they talked about it. he's had one chance too many already. and if she respects herself enough which is the real issue here, she knows it. no self-respecting person will stay with someone who's cheated on them at least 2 known times. it's time for the door and for WM to take some time for herself and find someone who's going to love her and respect her 100%.

You have to think too though how hard it must be for her. Sure she respects herself...but she also cares about him.

 

[willowsmom]

after reading all the posts that happened on my Days off all I can say is.....

You have to think too though how hard it must be for her. Sure she respects herself...but she also cares about him.

and say....That's me.

I do respect myself why else would I be so upset about this. But at the same time the past 2 years I have learned what it is like to be a with a man that doesn't call me ugly, stupid, idoit....ect. For the first time I am with a man that when he first met me told me how beautiful I was. And at the time I was dating his best friend. We were the best of friends for months before we took it any further. He became the person I called when I need to talk. He became the person I would cry to. He was also the only person who truly understood me. I know most of you are going to say something about him "tricking" me or him "snowing" me. But I know when a person is being honest and when a person is not. Also I would like to let everyone know that the first incident in all of this was just "trying" yes he did go and meet up with a girl from the internet behind my back but all that was done was talking. And that came from the girl herself to me. He had placed Ad's on sites and before he knew it I had found them. So all in all he hasn't 100% cheated. That's part of my problem in this situation. He hasn't really cheated just browsed. but besides that I have asked him to leave my house. Told him that at this point in time that I can't deal with him and that when I am ready I will contact him. He is now moving back into his sisters house. But he is also losing his job now because he is without a vehicle to deliver his papers. I don't know if this will be the end of him and I or if it just a break for me to get some time to think. Ditto for him. He knows what the future could hold for us as do I. He also knows that I am serious. Only time will tell.


Thank you all for your advice and support. It was all taken with great apriciation.

 

[hissy]

Only you can make the choices that shape your life. Others can come in and share their experiences, their pain and hope that somehow something gets through that clicks for you and helps make sense of the confusion you now feel. My first husband cheated on me after our son died. I was partly responsible for that because I was so numb with grief, I stopped caring about him, about me. I was in a daze and finally, he looked elsewhere. I caught him with my then best friend one day and woke up quickly to the reality of cheating men. After our lengthy divorce, we met a few years later and he told me of others he had cheated with while we were married for ten years.
I was stunned, but not surprised, not really. Some men just have that roving eye and that itch to scratch. For my ex- his was born of a confusing childhood full of no less than 17 step dads! His mom was a raging alcoholic, but she needed to be married for whatever reason.

I am glad you have put distance between the two of you for now, it will help you to get clarity of thought. Trust me, he is not the only man out there that will tell you are beautiful versus stupid or ugly or unattractive. You did well to not set yourself up as a victim even if it would only have been a victim of love.

 

[willowsmom]

Originally posted by hissy
Only you can make the choices that shape your life. Others can come in and share their experiences, their pain and hope that somehow something gets through that clicks for you and helps make sense of the confusion you now feel.

Very true!!


As for putting the distance between him and I. I had to do it for the main reason of giving me time to think without having to look at of listen to him. this way I can get my mind in the right state of mind to make a life changing decision. I still don't know what I am going to do but it's still pretty soon. a few more days and then I will sit down and do some major thinking. Anyway!!!!! Once again I want to thank all of you for the help you have given me! I really appriciate all of you for the shoulders you have lendt me and for all the different advice and Stories. Let me know I am not alone in a situation like this.

 

[gothic_amethyst]

I hope you know we are here for you. Whether or not we have experianced this in life or not. Just remember to think about how you feel about him. Dont let anyone talk you into what to do. Only you can decide. If you decide you cant move on without knowing whether or not he's even willing to try, then make sure u both sit down and discuss it. NO arguing, NO yelling, NO name calling; nothing that will result in getting each other defensive. It would also be a reaaally great idea (if you both can afford it) to go to a counselor.
Follow your heart and your mind. Just be sure to do what YOU want not what anyone(not even family or friends) have to say. Otherwise you will reget it. This decision is hard but it is yours to make. Just think real hard about what he means to you and what it will be like to have him or not have him in your future. You will either realize he's not important enough to you to be worth the trouble of fixing it, or that you cant live without him and would do anything to fix it.
Either way remember we're here! Good luck and DONT blame yourself. It's not your fault.