I Accidentally Killed The Sweetest Baby Ever And My Whole World Has Gone Dark....

[Kitty0619]

My Fellow Cat Lovers,
I am really struggling today, and I need to air this out to people who understand what I am going through. This past Saturday night, I accidentally killed the sweetest and most loving kitty I've ever had, and I am so depressed I can hardly function today. The kittens name was Pinky, because her nose was such a bright pink color, and I thought the name matched her loving and sweet personality. Six weeks ago today, Pinky's mom (Baby) ran into my house in obvious distress, and to my utter astonishment she started doing into labor right by my front door. Baby is one of the strays that I have been taking care of, and I have been able to spay/neuter all of them but Baby and one other female.
After 5 hours of labor, Baby delivered two beautiful babies, one boy and one girl. After about three weeks old, their little personalities was beginning to show, and I was head over heals in love with them both, but it was Pinky who I was drawn to the most. Have you ever been around a cat or kitten and just knew this cat or kitten was like your animal soul mate? That was the way it was with Pinky, and I couldn't wait to watch this little baby grow up. Unlike most cats, she loved being held and cuddled, and she would climb up into my arms, then work her way all the way up to right in front of my face, and she would literally rub her little face all over my cheeks and rub her paws on my chin. As you can guess, she had me wrapped around her little paw.
This past Saturday, my husband and I needed to run to Walmart to do some shopping, and I was in a big rush trying to get out the door before my husband started fussing about how long it was taking me to get ready. In my haste, I forgot to put Pinky and Oreo (her brother) in their pen, because I always lock the babies up so they cant get into anything bad while I'm gone. Three hours later I have my hands full of groceries and as I step into my front door, I see Pinky laying on the floor to my right and I automatically know something's wrong just by looking at her stiff little body. I drop everything in my hands and scream for my husband who runs in trying to figure out what's going on, but I'm already crying so bad I cant tell him what's wrong so I point to her. He goes to Pinky and touches her and his face tells me all I needed to know... she was dead. I am hysterical at this point, and I honestly dont think I have ever cried that hard before.
After my husband does an examination of her body, we find out she had choked on piece of plastic from a Belk's bag. So yes, I killed Pinky as surely as if I had put that piece of plastic in her throat myself. Why in the hell didnt I lock her up in her the SAFETY of her pen before I left? Was going to freaking Walmart that important to me? Just the thought of what her last moments must have been like eats at my mind and wont go away.
Now, I'm sitting in my truck in the parking lot of my college needing to go to class but I look like a clown with mascara running all down my face so I cant do that. I really dont have the motivation to do much of anything, because I realize that when I get home, Pinky wont be there to make me feel better or aggravate me when I'm trying to do my homework and that is like a punch in the gut. I have caused myself to miss out on what would have been such a great friendship. I dont even have a recent pic of her to remember her by....
Anyways, thanks for reading this rant of mine, and I just want to say to Pinky that I am so so sorry I didnt lock you up where you would be safe, and I hope your trip over the rainbow was beautiful and so very very colorful.... goodbye my sweet baby girl.

 

[mightyboosh]

That is very sad and I'm so sorry for you. I know the feeling as our sweet Poppy was run over last year. She was my wife's soul cat.
You mustn't torture yourself over something any one of us could have done. I know that is little comfort at the moment and we went through the same why didn't we just do this or that etc. It's the suddenness of it all and feelings of guilt, I know, but try not to be too harsh on yourself. Easy to say but please try.
There will be others commenting with better words than I can muster but my thoughts are with you.

 

[Q2U]

Bad stuff happens...real bad stuff. As everyone will soon tell you this wasn't your fault. You will get through this. Get another kitten. Give it a name. Love it. And learn from what happened to pinky.

 

[Kitty0619]

That is very sad and I'm so sorry for you. I know the feeling as our sweet Poppy was run over last year. She was my wife's soul cat.
You mustn't torture yourself over something any one of us could have done. I know that is little comfort at the moment and we went through the same why didn't we just do this or that etc. It's the suddenness of it all and feelings of guilt, I know, but try not to be too harsh on yourself. Easy to say but please try.
There will be others commenting with better words than I can muster but my thoughts are with you.

MightyBoosh, thank you so much for your kind words, and you did a wonderful job with your words. I am so sorry for your and your wife's loss. Some people just dont understand how hurtful it can be to lose an animal you love so much. For instance, my family had a dinner the day after Pinky died (Sunday), and I just could not go because I was so upset and my family could not understand why. Their thinking is she was just a cat so why get so upset? I love my animals to a fault I think sometimes and it hurts to lose them, but I would prefer they all die of old age and not so young. But, life can be very unfair and we dont always get what we want. Like you said, it is the feeling of such guilt that is torturing me so bad and of coarse the "what if's". But no, you did a fabulous job with your words, and I am so very grateful for them.

 

[Kitty0619]

Bad stuff happens...real bad stuff. As everyone will soon tell you this wasn't your fault. You will get through this. Get another kitten. Give it a name. Love it. And learn from what happened to pinky.

Q2U, you are completely right and this is definitely an experience I need to learn from. Thank goodness I still have Pinky's brother Oreo, but I think I am getting on his bad side with how I am following him around my house now and watching his every move. But, like you said bad things do happen to everyone.... its just this bad thing could have been prevented. Thank you for your words

 

[mightyboosh]

It's the least I can do and you're welcome. I always think it trite to say time will heal but it's true. Obviously they're never forgotten but the pangs of grief when thoughts turn to them do get less severe as time passes and it turns more in to fondness of their memory.
Oliver is my soul cat and when something happens to him I will be in at least as many pieces as you are now.
Your compassion and love for cats is clear to see and the World needs those traits in people more now than ever I feel.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Pinky, dream you deep. You walk in your mama's heart forever.

Oh, Darlin, I am so, so, SO sorry this happened to Pinky AND to you. No, don't try to go to class. Take a day or two or five, if you need to, to grieve. But try very hard not to blame yourself. I know, I do know, but I can tell you this...Pinky does NOT blame you. This is what I know, love never dies. It only changes form, and continues on, still Love. Love abides. Pinky is with you still, loving you, not blaming you, filled with joy and freedom. Her only sorrow is your guilt and your grief. She knows how she was, and is, and always will be, loved, and she is returning that love, full measure, forever.

I know how you long to have a recent picture of her, but I also know that her image will live in your own heart always.

 

[Kitty0619]

Awww, thank you so much Mamanyt1953 for those kind words. They mean an awful lot to me right now. No, I didn't go to class today because there was no way I could sit in that room doing statistics when I was such a mess. Another person who replied to my post called their cat their soul cat and that is how I felt about Pinky. Dont get me wrong, I love all my fur-babies, but Pinky was so loving and needy that I felt like she actual needed me, unlike my other babies who are very independent and only wants love when they want it and not just when mama wants it lol. But your post made me cry for the one hundredth time today and it really touched me so thank you for that. This is the only picture I have of her, and she was barely 3 weeks old and it only shows her butt

. She is the stripped light colored baby.

 

[les26]

Oh this is just horrible, I can only imagine the hell that you are going through and I would do that to myself too, but for some reason these awful things just seem to happen sometimes, but it is so so hard to accept and so so tough to live with and deal with but somehow, with time and love and prayers and forgiveness we do learn to cope with it all. Perhaps God needed a little Angel and he chose Pinky, maybe for a little child who passed away who needed a little friend, but what you did was an accident and as a nurse told me years ago "I never met a smart accident". I am so so sorry that this tragic thing happened to you, but she is fine now, just fine, living and loving and playing and you will see her again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your tragic loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[Antonio65]

I can't even imagine what you are going through, and even if I tried, I would still be thousands miles away from your pain!

I know you're feeling guilty, and I'm not the right person to tell you not to blame yourself, that it wasn't your fault and things like these, because I would blame myself too, and would hit my head forever.
Unfortunately I'm here to tell you that it is likely that this incident could mark your life, because this is how I think I would feel in your place.
But if you're so lucky to get over it, then you are better than me, and this is what I wish you to.

Pinky was a tiny angel, she just visited you for a short time to let you know the real love, and judging by what you're saying, she accomplished her mission.
She is not blaming you, she is just keeping loving you as she always did. Her sweet soul will be with you forever.

RIP Pinky, the world has been a better place for a few weeks when you were with us.

 

[di and bob]

I, too, went through the hell you are going through now. I crossed a busy street to get the mail and didn't know my beloved Chrissy was going to follow me......the shock, the horror, the disbelief are soul shattering and life altering. First and foremost, you KNOW you would never do anything purposely to bring harm to that little girl. It was a horrible accident. There has to be intent for you to be guilty of killing her, and you know there could never be any intent.
It is a traumatic time in your life to go through this, I know I had flashbacks and dwelt on my Chrissy's death for a long time, in fact years. Until it came to the point it became my life and made her death more important than her life. Don't go there. The life of that sweet little girl, no matter how short, WAS important. It brought happiness and love to your world, and that mattered the most to her and should be important to you too, because that is what she wanted for you, that is what love is. She would NEVER want you to be so sad because of her, just as you would want if you were the first to go, so she wants for you.
I know it's impossible, but don't dwell on all those should haves, could haves. The past can never be changed and it only brings heartache and sorrow, no matter how much we want it to be different. For now, just get through one day at a time.Purposely turn those dark thoughts aside, keep busy and send Pinky loving thoughts and prayers, not grief and sorrow. Let your precious memories of her bring comfort and the joy. Of having known her, of having loved her, of bringing both of you such joy.Iit would have been unthinkable to never have known her at all. Concentrate on what is good in your life right now, on Baby and that little boy, they are mourning too. They need you as much as you need them. Pinky shared your life journey for a little while and now follows a new path, one that will forever parallel your own. "Death cannot take that which never dies" and your love for each other will live on through you and for eternity. The bond you formed can never be taken from you because it is spiritual, so forever. She will always be near, as near as your thoughts and prayers.
My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you all. I know how much this hurts and how long it takes to work through it, because you will never get over it, you learn to live with it. Time is the only thing that helps to soften the sharp edges of grief. Time will allow you to accept what you cannot change and to let your heart open once again to life and the joys you need to gain from it. Because that is what Pinky wants for the one she loved. To share what she left you, to allow your heart to once more know the happiness that life can bring. To allow her to live on through that happiness, to send her joy, not tears and sorrow. All in the name of love....RIP precious little Pinky. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. Please send what comfort you can to a broken heart, send the pure light that is now you to dry the tears. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again. Good night, sleep tight, little angel!

 

[wombat]

RIP little Pinky. I am sure she does not blame you. During her short time on Earth, you made her feel very much loved and that's what's the most important. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

 

[surya]

We all make mistakes, everyone of us. Torturing yourself with guilt won't change anything. Pinky does not blame you. Rescue another baby in Pinkies memory. It will make you feel so much better.

 

[solomonar]

First the fact that you found a piece of plastic in the cat's throat does not mean that the piece of plastic chocked her. I really doubt that.

Yes, I am sure a piece of plastic was there, but I am not sure at all that was the cause. Although it might be easy to spot the object.

I rather suspect that the kitty suffered from a genetic mutation that affected her heart. Or a metabolism failure.

It is not that easy to find what was happened. Kitties are known to stop the journey on Earth for mysterious causes.

It was possible that the piece of plastic triggered the body failure? Yes and No.

To be sure you would have to refer to a vet coroner or at least to an experienced vet. In the university they spend hours after hours to learn how to do that. It is simple not possible for you, no matter how experienced you are, to be sure that you chocked the kitty by accident.

+++

Lets build another rationale. Supposing kitty really suffered an asphyxia, from swallowing a piece of plastic (which again I doubt), that means that that kitty could very well did the same few days after, by swallowing something else.

So it might be a behavior problem as well, that you could not heal anyway.

Cats are mysterious Creatures, very very difficult to understand them.

+++

I always bow my head in face of such circumstances, for we know nothing about the inner paths of Mother Nature.

Would somebody blame him/herself self for what he/she cant control?

For example, say a baby was born dead. Healthy parents, good medication, everything OK. But... Why? What is the cause? Physicians took a guess, parents cried. Who's guilty? Nobody. Mother Nature has mysterious ways that are not for us to know.

Its natural and normal for You to cry, You care, You love cats.

My tears, compassion and some tuna can in memory of Pinky now licking herself in the peace and warmness of the Home Cloud.

 

[will2002]

So very sorry for your loss. Bad things happen to good people, and good cats/kittens.

My wife and I along with our two daughters have probably saved 400 or more cats and kittens in the past 45 years. We have also lost several during those same years. It used to really, really hurt and upset me to lose one until one bright and shining morning I finally realized there are thousands and thousands more that so desperately need our help. There is always one more, and one more and one more...

Now don't get the wrong idea. It still hurts me terribly to lose one. Sometimes it seems almost as bad as losing a family member. The best thing a person can do is move forward .

You are a wonderful person with a great love for a women and a mans "VERY BEST" friend. When the pain of your loss eases up a bit, go find one more to save and love. After that, go find another one. There are so many more kittens and cats that need your love.

 

[maggiedemi]

Aww honey, I'm so sorry this happened. But it's not your fault for going to Walmart, this could have happened when you were at home too. Accidents happen, you didn't cause this.

 

[Kitty0619]

First the fact that you found a piece of plastic in the cat's throat does not mean that the piece of plastic chocked her. I really doubt that.

Yes, I am sure a piece of plastic was there, but I am not sure at all that was the cause. Although it might be easy to spot the object.

I rather suspect that the kitty suffered from a genetic mutation that affected her heart. Or a metabolism failure.

It is not that easy to find what was happened. Kitties are known to stop the journey on Earth for mysterious causes.

It was possible that the piece of plastic triggered the body failure? Yes and No.

To be sure you would have to refer to a vet coroner or at least to an experienced vet. In the university they spend hours after hours to learn how to do that. It is simple not possible for you, no matter how experienced you are, to be sure that you chocked the kitty by accident.

+++

Lets build another rationale. Supposing kitty really suffered an asphyxia, from swallowing a piece of plastic (which again I doubt), that means that that kitty could very well did the same few days after, by swallowing something else.

So it might be a behavior problem as well, that you could not heal anyway.

Cats are mysterious Creatures, very very difficult to understand them.

+++

I always bow my head in face of such circumstances, for we know nothing about the inner paths of Mother Nature.

Would somebody blame him/herself self for what he/she cant control?

For example, say a baby was born dead. Healthy parents, good medication, everything OK. But... Why? What is the cause? Physicians took a guess, parents cried. Who's guilty? Nobody. Mother Nature has mysterious ways that are not for us to know.

Its natural and normal for You to cry, You care, You love cats.

My tears, compassion and some tuna can in memory of Pinky now licking herself in the peace and warmness of the Home Cloud.

I honestly have not thought that anything else could have happened to her but I wish/hope your right. Even my husband and I thought it was odd because we have never had any of our other animals to choke before. But we thought what else could it be? She has never had any health problems that I was aware of before and she was completely healthy when we left. It took my husband 20 mins of examining her before he seen the ripped up shopping bag and thought to look down her throat. I myself didnt look because I couldn't handle it but he said it looked lodged in her throat pretty good. I hope she didnt choke because that would be an awful way for anyone/animal to go. Thank you for giving me this very possible other scenario because the guilt that I caused her to choke is practically killing me.

 

[Kitty0619]

Oh this is just horrible, I can only imagine the hell that you are going through and I would do that to myself too, but for some reason these awful things just seem to happen sometimes, but it is so so hard to accept and so so tough to live with and deal with but somehow, with time and love and prayers and forgiveness we do learn to cope with it all. Perhaps God needed a little Angel and he chose Pinky, maybe for a little child who passed away who needed a little friend, but what you did was an accident and as a nurse told me years ago "I never met a smart accident". I am so so sorry that this tragic thing happened to you, but she is fine now, just fine, living and loving and playing and you will see her again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your tragic loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....

Thank so much for your kindness. That is a wonderful thought that maybe a little child in heaven needed her. You have given me a wonderful picture in my head of a little girl or boy playing with Pinky in heaven and I thank you for that. It is a lot better then me picturing her choking and how bad that must have been for her so I am very grateful to you.

 

[Kitty0619]

I, too, went through the hell you are going through now. I crossed a busy street to get the mail and didn't know my beloved Chrissy was going to follow me......the shock, the horror, the disbelief are soul shattering and life altering. First and foremost, you KNOW you would never do anything purposely to bring harm to that little girl. It was a horrible accident. There has to be intent for you to be guilty of killing her, and you know there could never be any intent.
It is a traumatic time in your life to go through this, I know I had flashbacks and dwelt on my Chrissy's death for a long time, in fact years. Until it came to the point it became my life and made her death more important than her life. Don't go there. The life of that sweet little girl, no matter how short, WAS important. It brought happiness and love to your world, and that mattered the most to her and should be important to you too, because that is what she wanted for you, that is what love is. She would NEVER want you to be so sad because of her, just as you would want if you were the first to go, so she wants for you.
I know it's impossible, but don't dwell on all those should haves, could haves. The past can never be changed and it only brings heartache and sorrow, no matter how much we want it to be different. For now, just get through one day at a time.Purposely turn those dark thoughts aside, keep busy and send Pinky loving thoughts and prayers, not grief and sorrow. Let your precious memories of her bring comfort and the joy. Of having known her, of having loved her, of bringing both of you such joy.Iit would have been unthinkable to never have known her at all. Concentrate on what is good in your life right now, on Baby and that little boy, they are mourning too. They need you as much as you need them. Pinky shared your life journey for a little while and now follows a new path, one that will forever parallel your own. "Death cannot take that which never dies" and your love for each other will live on through you and for eternity. The bond you formed can never be taken from you because it is spiritual, so forever. She will always be near, as near as your thoughts and prayers.
My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you all. I know how much this hurts and how long it takes to work through it, because you will never get over it, you learn to live with it. Time is the only thing that helps to soften the sharp edges of grief. Time will allow you to accept what you cannot change and to let your heart open once again to life and the joys you need to gain from it. Because that is what Pinky wants for the one she loved. To share what she left you, to allow your heart to once more know the happiness that life can bring. To allow her to live on through that happiness, to send her joy, not tears and sorrow. All in the name of love....RIP precious little Pinky. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. Please send what comfort you can to a broken heart, send the pure light that is now you to dry the tears. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again. Good night, sleep tight, little angel!

Thank you for your kind words, and I am so very sorry for your loss as well. I just wish this guilt would go away. Another member replied back to my post and said it is possible she didnt choke and that maybe she had other health problems like heart problems I want aware of. I pray they are right because then I could possibly forgive myself but my husband said the plastic was pretty well lodged in her throat. But like everyone has said, bad things happen all the time and there is nothing you can do about it. Thank you again for your kindness, and I hope you are blessed as well!

 

[EveAndHerThieves]

When I was 10 or 12 I was obsessed with the computer. I had a brother I always fought with over who got to use it. We had been walking that day, a mile around a local track. I was hot, sweaty, and I NEEDED that computer. I was wearing walking shoes. In my haste to get to the computer I didn't look down. I stepped on my kitten. Seconds later there was blood - her nose, her mouth. I screamed, and ran her to my mother. I was put in a different room while she tended to the kitten. Ten minutes later she died.

In this case I WAS directly responsible for killing the kitten. She was fine, active, and healthy. I was the one who caused her to bleed. My stupid, selfish need to beat my brother to the computer.

I wasn't even that close to the kitten, but to lose her in such a way was horrible. It feels like you should never own cats. You should give them all up because you can't be trusted. Every time you look at them you feel the shame, the hurt, the horror of what happened. And every time you think "It's my fault."

I want to say that no, it was NOT your fault. I may have stepped on the kitten, yes, but it was her time to go. If I hadn't stepped on her, she would have had a box fall on her. A car could have hit her. She could have choked. I know it's the same with yours.

I stress this again, it's not your fault. Whether or not you believe in the afterlife, your kitten was too special for this earth. She didn't need to be here through all the hardships, the pain, the trauma. She only needed to be here for a short time - to be with you.

I promise you that she loved you more than words itself. I'm sure she's over the rainbow bridge, waiting for you. And I promise she's not angry at you. She knows accidents happen. She knows you didn't mean it. She loves you just as much now as she did while she was here.

Yes, it hurts, yes, you won't think you can handle more cats. Yes, you'll blame yourself and always wonder about the 'what ifs'. But it gets better. It really does.
When my kitten died another showed up to fill the hole in my heart. Did I miss my kitten less? No. Did I 'replace' her? NO. My new kitten was given to me for the sole purpose of healing. To help repair my broken heart. I grew to love that new cat - Jewel - for seven long years before she finally passed. She did NOT replace the kitten I'd lost, but helped me move beyond it.

Perhaps you were given two kittens so that Oreo could help you through the loss. Perhaps Oreo is the one who you're meant to grow to love, to bond with, to share your life with. Maybe he's there to help you heal. Or maybe there's another cat, waiting for you to rescue them.

To this day I still won't wear running shoes. I also walk with my eyes on the ground, looking for cats.

Take a day - or ten - and take care of yourself. You've poured your whole heart into your kitten. You need time to grieve, to heal, to just be. Don't worry about the other people, or what they think. If they think it's stupid, ignore them. YOU know what's real. YOU know the trauma, not them. It will take time, but I promise you will be fine.

Your beautiful kitten will always be by your side, watching you from beyond the rainbow bridge. She's not gone, just moved to a different place. And someday you'll see her again.

I'd like to say again, it's not your fault. You will be okay.