How to cope with the grief?

[simontigger]

Hi,

My 11 year old DSH Simon passed away at 1:30 am on August 14, 2013.  I knew he was declining, and knew he would not make it through the summer, but going from how he was on the morning of August 13th until his death has blown me away.  He had a tumor on his spine.  It spread to his lungs in what seems like one or two days.  He went into labored breathing the evening of August 13th and when he started paddling and rolling his head (like he was watching the ceiling fan spin in circles), I rushed him to the evening vet to be put down immediately.  I kept telling him to go with the angels, but everyone says he didn't want to leave me and kept fighting to stay.  I sat and sobbed with him after he died for over 2 hours.  

I have lost pets before, but he was different.  We were connected on a different level.  Our souls were the same.  He was my joy, he was my smile, he was always there when I needed him to be.  My Simon.

I miss him more than the word "miss" can be defined.  I "see" him all around my condo in the places he "should have" been hanging out today, yesterday, etc.   What I would give for just one more hug, purr, snuggle, or to see his beautiful face again.

I have no words for this grief.  It is pure torture, and my tears come and go in bursts.  I am happy when I look at old pictures of him, or find one I have not seen in a while, but when I lay down on the couch or in my room, he's not in his spot.  He isn't there to look over at me to stare, then blink and purr with love.  He isn't there to hop up on his favorite blanket I like to lay with that he enjoys "pawing/kneeding" on.  He isn't there to hop up on my bed at night and lay against my leg, or walk up onto me in the morning to say hi.  He isn't there to drink from the faucet in the morning (he was obsessed with faucets), then poke his head into the shower for a kiss.

I have two other cats who I love dearly.  I am making sure to give them their attention.  But do you know what is like feeding 3 cats everyday for years, and suddenly there are only two meowing and looking up at you for their dinner?  One pair of amazing green eyes are missing.  My one tabby waits for him to come to dinner like he always did, and looks for him.  I know "they know" what happened.

I want to know how did others handle their grief?  What helped you?  Please share how you got through your grief.  I basically slept and did not leave my house for two days.  I did not speak to anyone except my boyfriend who was grieving with me by my side.  I really needed to be alone and grieve.  Today was my first day out since 1:30 am on 8/14.  My acupuncturist did a treatment with needles on my stomach to help my sadness.

Please share your coping methods, if you have any.  I loved him so much.  11 years was not even time with him.  He was my heart song.

I will love and miss you forever, my Simon.

IMG_1411.JPG

• simontigger
• Aug 17, 2013

 

[katluver4life]

I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a gorgeous boy! Sometimes doing just what you did just now helps. Writing this tribute, sharing your pain with others who understand the pain of the loss of a beloved pet. You will always love, and always miss him, but in time, the pain will ease.

Know you did the best for him his whole life and were with him when he needed release from his pain and gave him that greatest gift, release from suffering.

R.I.P Simon

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

Yes, many of us understand how you are feeling and what you are dealing with right now. It is hard to have them so many years and then lose them. We are never ready to let them go. Max was my heart kitty like your Simon. He was a most unusual cat. I never wanted to forget a thing he did. So I wrote his life story. I made three copies. One was for his vet, one for me and one for his previous owner. I included a copy of the Rainbow Bridge poem and pictures of him. Now when I read it, I am glad I did because there are things I wrote that I have forgotten. Writing the story was part of my healing process.
'
I am sorry for your loss. Take one day at the time and cry all you want to. It will help. In time, I hope your memories will bring you peace and comfort.

 

[mservant]

My heart is with you, so many people on this site have felt the pain of loss. Please know it is so normal for those who love the animals they share their lives with to feel pain like you. I hope sharing how you feel will help you. It is a beautiful picture of Simon you have posted.

When I lost my previous 2 cats I cried so much I could hardly speak to people, and when I managed to hold it together to go to work I would cry every day as I drove home remembering how different my home would feel,  first with just one cat and then with none.  I would look at photographs and try to remember funny and beautiful moments with them, and their individual personalities. I was lucky to have supportive friends, and family who checked that I was coping OK - it is important to share and let people know how you are feeling.  I also took time to go away. When I was left with one cat I managed to find a couple of friends to stay with my remaining elderly cat (the cats had both been nearly 18 when the first one moved on) while I went away for a long weekend with another friend.  When I got back I put my heart and soul in to the little pensioner who had stayed with me. I slowly learned to give her all my time and gradually the times I missed the soft cuddles I had had with her sister became less.  I would still see her in corners of the room, or in the dark of my hall at night sometimes but those times faded - I think she stayed with me in some way until she knew I was OK. When I was left alone after my second cat moved on I felt the house was so empty and knew I wanted another cat as soon as possible to fill the void. While I could I went away on holiday for the longest time I could (work only let me take so many days off at a time). I stayed out of the house as much as possible at that time.  It was three months before I brought my new boy home with me but the pensioner girl I shared my life with for over 21 years still pays me a visit in the night sometimes. I always feel peaceful when I see her shadow.

Share how you feel with those around you if you can. As others have said, write, use this site to share and preserve your memories so your pain is shared with others who understand. 

 

[jcat]

I'm very sorry for your loss and know from experience how devastating it can be when a beloved pet leaves you. You're doing precisely what will help you - reaching out to others who will understand your pain and with whom you can share stories of your life with Simon and your feelings for him. That pain is so acute right now because your loss is so fresh, but it will lessen in time. More and more you'll find yourself focusing on positive memories of Simon and not on how it feels not to have him around now. Talk about him and give yourself time to grieve. You'll reach the point where you can celebrate his life.

RIP, Simon.

 

[linda 55]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Simon. He looked to be a beautiful cat.
I know what you are going through. It's
almost 2 months since my 23 year old cat
Sophie passed away at home. She got to the
point where she could hardly walk without
losing her balance and we suspect her
kidneys were failing. She died in my
husband's arms on my birthday and although
it was a natural and peaceful death we were
totally devastated. Her sister Chloe passed
away in her sleep over 4 years ago which
was also devastating but we had Sophie to
care for then but now the house feels so
empty and we see her everywhere in our mind's eye.
I went to the local health store and bought some homeopathic pills called Ignatia which is meant to alleviate the symptoms of grief and it did help. I found I couldn't eat properly for days and had a constant churning inside which I still have now to a lesser degree after 2 months.
I wrote on this site which helped but also wrote a longer tribute which I sent to a cat magazine which was about the lives of Sophie Chloe and our first cat Junior.
I have made a memory box and put in collars, fur and various mementos. Sophie wad a long haired tabby so we have fur everywhere in the house.
I miss her the most when I'm stuck inside the house and I pretend she is in another room.
In the first week I dreamt of her and stroked her in the dream which was wonderful.
23 years is a long time and I feel so empty inside. The pain is still raw and we miss her so much. I do know what you are going through and I hope you will find things a little easier soon.
Grief is the price we have to pay for love.
We are paying the price but we must cling
onto the happy memories. I keep reliving the last day and wishing I could go back in time. Wish I could have done more but this is a natural reaction. She just slept as she normally did and I left her in peace then let her sleep on me on the sofa. She drank her cat milk and had a little food just before she died.
My heart goes out to you and I hope my advice can ease the terrible pain.
" To live in the hearts of those who love is never to die"

 

[my4llma]

View media item 170522Beautiful Simon

 

[simontigger]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and how you coped.  It was helpful for me to write on this site asking for help in the grieving process.  I knew if anyone could understand this pain, all of you would.  My friends and family have understood my need to be alone during this period, we all grieve in different ways.  I have texted them to let them know "I'm ok" or as best as one could be in this situation.  My friends and family are all there to talk and listen, and everyone has said the same thing about how I should "remember all of our love and good times, know he is not in pain anymore, he's in a better place, let me know if I can do anything."  The problem is he wasn't in pain until the last hour of his life, and what I need is him back here.  It was so refreshing to read all of your comments as those previous statements weren't said, and it really does help to hear from you that have been through this grief.  

I agree with the person who said they keep going over that last day in their mind.  Oh if I had known that would be the last day he saw sun light, I would have showered him in 10x as many kisses as normal.  I would have stared at his beautiful face all day long.  I feel grateful I was able to have him lay on the rug and bask in some afternoon sunshine that last day, it was his favorite, he'd follow that sun around just like I do in the summer.  He seemed so content watching me on my bed that afternoon putting clothes away and getting kisses and rubs.  Had I known what a bad night it would have been, what I would do just to go back and see him that one last time, take an extra second to give another good night to him or I love you, before the vet helped him go to heaven.

I think what we all would do to see our babies one last time again.

I got out of the house today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach, rode the jet ski at sunset (all I could think of was Simon and kept hoping the low clouds riddled with pink splashes would somehow begin to look like his gorgeous face), and went for a walk on the boardwalk.  It was good to get out.  And then I came home and opened the door, and he wasn't there to greet me.  He wasn't there in the window to watch me, or to trot to the kitchen for his dinner.  That's when it hit me again tonight.  It was the coming home that was the hardest part and his absence, it is a stabbing feeling in your heart.

I so appreciate all of your comments.  Writing "with you all" has been very helpful.  Please continue to share your stories, it seems we never quite get beyond the sorrow.  And I agree, "grief is the price we have to pay for love."  How true.

Thank you again-

Colleen

 

[natalie_ca]

I'm sorry about Simon!

Life_and_Love.jpg

• natalie_ca
• Aug 17, 2013

 

[linda 55]

Colleen
I'm glad you managed to get out to the beach. I know what you mean about the emptiness when you return home. We went out today for a walk and I experienced the same feeling as you when I re entered the house: a stabbing feeling in my heart. Luckily our friends we saw today understand and have been through a similar experience.
My in laws passed away in April and July and I feel bad that I am grieving more for Sophie ( and I did get on with them too).
Sophie died on my birthday so I will treat that day in a different way in future years. She is buried at the bottom of our garden with her sister Chloe and Junior and I often go there to talk to her and cry if I feel that way.
I got some pet bereavement books which helped but do try the homeopathic medicine Ignatia.
Writing is a good therapy and you could make a collage of photos of Simon. Just take each day at a time. We have been blessed with the love that our precious cats gave us. That will never die.
What will survive is love........

I wish you well.
Linda.