How to bond with my newly adopted adult cat

[cassafrass710]

Hi there.

I was hoping I could get some insight on bonding. I adopted an 8-year-old ginger cat, Skimble, from the local humane society yesterday and he's been home around 24 hours. I kept him in my room for the first evening and night as I read you were supposed to do to help him acclimate. He showed interest in exploring the rest of my apartment right away, so I let him have the whole place this morning. I realize that it's super early to have established a solid relationship, but I'm afraid he's not going to bond with me. I got him to be an emotional support animal to help with my anxiety and depression, so I really need him to be affectionate with me. He loves being pet and playing, but hasn't shown interest in cuddling or lap sitting, except for on my roommate's lap, which is what concerns me I guess. I'm afraid he likes her more than me, even though I'm the one that feeds him and cleans the litter box. I realize it's very early in our relationship, but my experience so far has been a little disheartening. I love him and I want him to love me back. Any advice or words of wisdom you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

 

[abbybaby]

I am no expert as I have only had two cats and am still adjusting to my new grey room mate. You are right, it is early. But also, cats all have different personalities and that has to be considered too. My first cat hid on a shelf in a closet for two or three days before she decided that I was okay. Once she did, she jumped in my lap and was a cuddly girl from then on. She trusted me and from that trust a strong bond grew. In the end when she was really sick she would only eat food from my hand. Our bond was tight. My new kitty is extremely bold and so far, unafraid of anything. But she is not cuddly. That may be because she is young and full of energy with lots of things to play with or get into. She may not develop as strong a bond with me because she trusts everyone so I may not be as special to her as I was to my last cat. But that doesn't mean that there won't be any bond. Just a different one. So take your cat's personalty into account as well as what he may be going through in adjusting to a new home. Maybe your room mate reminds him of someone. Anyway please give him some time and patience. He will probably come around in time. Meanwhile - good for you for rescuing him.

 

[caitini]

He will come around. Some cats just take time. My first cat took ten weeks to sit on my lap, second cat took only a few days. Make sure you are the one always feeding him and giving him treats. He will come to you eventually. One thing you might also try is getting a Feliway diffuser for the room he spends the most time in.

 

[recomper]

Did you ask your roommate on what action she did to cause the cat to on her lap?

 

[fyllis]

I have two neutered boys (almost 18 months) that I have had since they were 6 weeks old and they are as different as night and day regarding their personalities and level of affection.

Kricket is a Maine Coon and is so overly affectionate he sometimes drives me nuts! Keeker on the other hand,  is independent and aloof and keeps is distance from me 98% of the time. I can't hold him longer than 15-20 seconds without him squirming to be let down and, on the rare occasions he does come to me on his own, the second I reach out to pet him he moves just out of reach. However, I have a neighbor who stops in occasionally and Keeker will jump in his lap as soon as he sits down! 

Cats are very sensitive; especially to scents. It could be that he is attracted to the chemical smell/pheromones your roommate is emitting. They are also very independent, so if you are 'trying' to get him to come to you or sit on your lap, he is probably resisting your attempts. He doesn't want to be 'forced'. 

It could be that you use a certain shampoo, body spray or perfume that he doesn't like. There are a few things you could do to get him used to your scent... and don't think I am crazy, LOL.  Have your roommate rub her hands up and down your forearms to transfer her scent to you; when you are settling down in the evening put on of your roommates worn tee-shirts on so he smells her on you; ask your roommate to pet your cat and then rub your arms and hands so his scent is transferred to you; or you might want to rub a little catnip on your arms and hands or hold a toy with catnip on it to lure him closer to you.

You might want to give him his space for now until he fully acclimates to his new home. Let him get used to you and your scent in a relaxed place that he chose. Over the next few weeks, when your roommate is sitting on the couch and he goes to her, try quietly moving onto the couch a couple feet from her without reaching out to touch your cat and place a treat between you and her. After a minute or two, lay a treat next to you and let him come and get it - again, without your reaching out to touch him or invading his space. After a few days of this, place the treat next to you and leave your hand resting near the treat. After a few more days, leave the treat in your hand and let him take it from you. While he is eating the treat, give him a gentle stroke and give him another treat. 

Don't try to pick him up and pull him onto your lap - he will feel threatened and jump away for sure! If he is going to get in your lap, he will do it only on his time at his own pace and I guarantee, it will not happen over night! Be patient and accepting of his choice.

The trick is to lure him into your space without making him feel threatened or 'captured'. Never force him and don't feel like a failure or that he hates you if it never happens. It's just his personality and his choice. 

To be honest, I have been doing this with Keeker for months and he will now jump onto the couch near me and get his treats. Over the past 3 weeks he has been curling up at the other end of the couch and napping and he will even lay on the end table next to me.   He will rub against my leg and allow me to pet him briefly, but he still will not allow me to hold him; nor will he come to bed with me at night, even though Kricket is always right there on my pillow.  But, as far as him coming onto my lap... that hasn't happened. And I seriously doubt it ever will, or at least not until he gets older. 

Most of all, don't let this add to your anxiety and depression (easier said than done, I know). Just having a cat in your home is relaxing.

Another thing to keep in mind, as I said earlier, cats are very sensitive to scents and smells. As you know, when your emotions fluctuate the chemicals in your body fluctuate as well. You cat CAN smell your emotions. Be sure you are in a calm state when doing the above mentioned 'luring'. If he senses your anxiety, he will avoid you.

If you have a therapist, talk to him/her about it and see what they have to say. Maybe in a few weeks you could take your cat in to a therapy session with you so you can be observed together? You might also want to talk with your vet and see if they could recommend a cat behaviorist to see if there is another alternative to enhancing your bond.

Personally, I am not excited about introducing Feliway or any other essential oils/aromas unless it is for an extreme purpose.

I hope this helps and wish you the best. 

 

[pusheen]

You should be the one feeding him, cleaning his litter, playing with him, and giving him treats, much more than your roommate.

Also, give him space. You want him to love you a lot more than your roommate does--you're invested. That sometimes means going a bit overboard trying to get him to love you by petting him more than he wants, watching him a lot, trying to pull him on to your lap. And then, of course, feeling very disappointed and anxious when he refuses to respond to you. You need to let this be on his terms. Cats are great emotional support animals, but they live by their own rules. The more threateningly clingy he feels you are being, the more he will look to the other (less threatening) source of affection.

As an extension of that "lives by his own rules" thing, it is often best to be the only human contact for a cat that you need to bond with for emotional support. The fact that there is another person around means the cat has choices, haha. In homes with families or multiple people, some cats get on with everyone equally. Other times, they pick favorites. I know my family cats love my mother (she feeds them and they go to her for cuddles--and they are NOT cuddling cats), and they love my youngest brother, who manhandles them and "rough"-houses with them. Those two get special  cat attention. The rest of us they like a lot, but they don't like as as much as their favorites. Usually this isn't an issue. But since you need to bond with your cat as a form of therapy...

 

[caitini]

Fuzzy was on my lap within 48 hours of me putting Feliway in his room. Maybe just a coincidence, maybe not.

Another thing I used to do was sit with a treat on my lap, which would require him to at least make contact if he wanted it. At first he would grab it with his paw and take it away to eat, gradually he started just eating it off my lap. Then I started putting treats in (accessible) front pockets, meaning the contact needed to last a bit longer. I wouldn't pet him during this time because I wanted him to know he was totally safe. Pretty soon he would be sniffing around for treats even if I didn't have any, and crawling on my lap to do this, and then finally he just crawled on my lap and stayed there.