I am having a TERRIBLE time dealing with Ash's death (last night), but I have found it to be comforting/theraputic (spelling!) to go to the humane society today to give love and pats to the cats there. I didn't find one that really "stood out" to me, but many that were pretty friendly and affectionate. I wasn't looking to take one home right then, by any means...just need to give this love that is aching to be given to a cat.
I came home after a few hours and was "stable", I guess you could say (and I had been all morning), but then as it got to be evening, things started to feel pretty empty again and I was at a loss of really what to do, literally.
I couldn't do what I had always done: scrapbook (I would have had to go upstairs where Ashie's stuff is still), play this computer game I am nearly addicted to...nothing like that. NOTHING was interesting to me tonight....and I just felt this isolated/empty feeling...and I started to get upset again.
Then it kind of hit me.....what I "needed" was to pet a kitty cat......it was a void that needed to be filled...I wanted so badly to just touch one..to love one....something like that. Not to replace Ashie at all...far from that...but I NEED to give love to a cat and I NEED a cat to give love to me (and not in spirit...I mean, I love Ashie still...always...and she probably still loves me...but I need the "in person" thing, too).
This was like 820p.....and I had the urge to hit PetSmart where I know they have cats placed by a rescue group, but were closing at 9. I knew it would take me about 20 minutes to get there.
On the way there, I prayed and asked for some sign (while I was in tears driving) that it was ok for me to do this...that Ashie gives her consent and that is may be ok to maybe have another cat...especially so soon.
When I got to PetSmart at 10 to 9, I was told cats were not permitted to be handled or anything unless the rescue group was there...which they weren't.
I was CRUSHED. I was stuck trying to fill my need by talking to them through the glass of their cages. It SUCKED.
I walked out, got in the car, and bawled. I called my husband and told him what happened and how I asked for a sign. I got my sign and answer. I was not able to touch those cats. But then Roger (husband) came back and said, "QUIT IT. How were you able to go to the Humane Society then??" and I said back "But not one cat stood out to me".
I went into a store and bought three long-stem roses for Ashie. A white one, yellow, and red. They are in a vase by a picture of her.
Tonight I was on PetFinder searching all through and reading bios of cats.....for like 3 hours. I am exhausted, confused, don't remember what I read...and now I feel GUILTY for it.
I mean, Ashie gave me the sign, right?? Not supposed to get one. I've got to respect that cat.....this is HER home, after all, and I would never dishonor her memory...and if she is insulted that I would even CONSIDER another cat already (so soon), then I can't do that to her.
So I am all confused now. Am I nuts??? No, really...seriously....would you just wait then??? I don't know what to make of all of this....but I do know that I really have this "need" to have a purr next to me for comfort. Believe it or not, I believe it WOULD help....not make me OVER Ashie, by far.....but to be able to give love and kisses and get them back. That is just what it is all about....
But I know, too, that I can't do anything that Ashie wouldn't want right now, either.
I came home after a few hours and was "stable", I guess you could say (and I had been all morning), but then as it got to be evening, things started to feel pretty empty again and I was at a loss of really what to do, literally.
I couldn't do what I had always done: scrapbook (I would have had to go upstairs where Ashie's stuff is still), play this computer game I am nearly addicted to...nothing like that. NOTHING was interesting to me tonight....and I just felt this isolated/empty feeling...and I started to get upset again.
Then it kind of hit me.....what I "needed" was to pet a kitty cat......it was a void that needed to be filled...I wanted so badly to just touch one..to love one....something like that. Not to replace Ashie at all...far from that...but I NEED to give love to a cat and I NEED a cat to give love to me (and not in spirit...I mean, I love Ashie still...always...and she probably still loves me...but I need the "in person" thing, too).
This was like 820p.....and I had the urge to hit PetSmart where I know they have cats placed by a rescue group, but were closing at 9. I knew it would take me about 20 minutes to get there.
On the way there, I prayed and asked for some sign (while I was in tears driving) that it was ok for me to do this...that Ashie gives her consent and that is may be ok to maybe have another cat...especially so soon.
When I got to PetSmart at 10 to 9, I was told cats were not permitted to be handled or anything unless the rescue group was there...which they weren't.
I was CRUSHED. I was stuck trying to fill my need by talking to them through the glass of their cages. It SUCKED.
I walked out, got in the car, and bawled. I called my husband and told him what happened and how I asked for a sign. I got my sign and answer. I was not able to touch those cats. But then Roger (husband) came back and said, "QUIT IT. How were you able to go to the Humane Society then??" and I said back "But not one cat stood out to me".
I went into a store and bought three long-stem roses for Ashie. A white one, yellow, and red. They are in a vase by a picture of her.
Tonight I was on PetFinder searching all through and reading bios of cats.....for like 3 hours. I am exhausted, confused, don't remember what I read...and now I feel GUILTY for it.
I mean, Ashie gave me the sign, right?? Not supposed to get one. I've got to respect that cat.....this is HER home, after all, and I would never dishonor her memory...and if she is insulted that I would even CONSIDER another cat already (so soon), then I can't do that to her.
So I am all confused now. Am I nuts??? No, really...seriously....would you just wait then??? I don't know what to make of all of this....but I do know that I really have this "need" to have a purr next to me for comfort. Believe it or not, I believe it WOULD help....not make me OVER Ashie, by far.....but to be able to give love and kisses and get them back. That is just what it is all about....
But I know, too, that I can't do anything that Ashie wouldn't want right now, either.