HELP! Terrified of my new 6 year old cat !!

[LTS3]

Plini unflavored yogurt is fine.

As ther have said, be patient

Cats need time to adjust to their new home and owner. It may take a few days or a few weeks or longer. You just go at the cat's pace. Dangle fishing pole toys at the cat to entice him to play and think " this person may be strange but fun to play with". If the cat doesn't want to play, don't push it. Do quiet activities in the same room as the cat so he gets used to your presence. Maybe something you are doing will pique his interest and he'll come over to check it out.

 
 It's also rare that a cat isn't afraid when they first arrive in a home.

My Aby wasn't but I also got him from a breeder, not a shelter, and he was 3 months old. He literally ran out of his carrier and started exploring and running around. My rescue was 6 months when I got her and she was more typical (stayed in bathroom, didn't want to eat, etc) but warmed up in a few days.

 

[charliecat1000]

Thank you all for your help.  I have to see i in the cat's eyes.  He is scared, new to my home, new to everything.  We didn't have a good morning.   He somehow got into one of the kitchen cabinets.  I said in a calming voice "Charlie be careful.  He hissed then darted to the bedroom.  I need to work greatly on the anxiety that I have.  I am on an anti anxiety medication so it helps a bit.  I went in to peak on him and he is sitting in one of my clothes drawers.  I noticed that he tried staring me in the eyes and as soon as he did that I LOOKED away real fast and he curled up in the drawer.  So now he is all curled up and comfortable but I don't dare disturb him to put my clothes away LOL.  I just have to look at it as this......he doesn't hate me , he is just scared and trying to  protect himself. I love that I know not to stare him in the eyes, now, as I looked away  so didn't he and then curled into a ball.  I want him to know that I am the one  pouring his food and water.  I am going to ignore him and see how that works out.  But so everyone knows I will not give up on him. 

I had two dogs and a cat, rabbits and fish during my life.  They were fine with me but I had them at very young ages.  He was with his previous owners for his entire life (he will be 6 in November) so this must be a huge stressor.  I am going to look up My cat from hell.  Thank you ALL for your continued help as I read every single comment.  Ok, laundry is off the list today hahaha. 

Hope everyone and their kitty has a great day.  I will update later on on.  Going to see if  My Kitty from Hell is on Netflix. 

 

[charliecat1000]

Correction:  

I have to see i in the cat's eyes.

Should have said....I have to see it the way that Charlie does. 

 

[ginny]

 

[ginny]

 
I just went to check on him.  He won't let me fold my laundry and put it away as he is sitting in one of the drawers LOL.  He tried to stare me down so I made no eye contact with him but it did feel weird looking away saying good kitty......... 

Lol.  I hope he "lets" you do your laundry soon!  Charlie is a good kitty.  He only has a little kitty brain and right now it is telling him to be scared because he doesn't know you or your house yet.  I think he is picking up on your anxiety.  One way that might help you is listening to music on you iPod or mp3 (do they still have those?) while you walk around the house with Charlie watching you.  Maybe that'll distract you enough to be a bit calmer.  Then there's that magnesium glycinate supplement too - which would be in addition to whatever else you are already taking.  I noticed it made me much calmer when I started taking it.  Make sure you ask your doctor or pharmacist first because of possible interactions with other meds.  Ask them to recommend the dose.  I started with 200 mg once a day at bedtime, and I'm still on that dose now.  

 

[charliecat1000]

Feeling so helpless and hopeless right now.  This is like a nightmare.  My male friend came over and he went to see Charlie.  Charlie did not growl, hiss or didn't do anything mean.  My friend came to the kitchen table with me and all of a sudden Charlie came out so happy, even came near me.  My friend left and Charlie went back into his room under the bed.  I went to play with him with one of those fishing pole things, he played with it for a while then suddenly HISSED really loud at me.  I'm about to give up.  I don't believe this is making feel so unhappy.  It's a cat.  The cat hates me.  Don't think this is going to work out.  I'm thinking of calling his previous owners and asking them to take Charlie back.  We are not a good match.  It makes me jealous and angry that Charlie loved my friend.  Why? I don't understand and I'm sorry if I feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself but this makes me really upset and sad!!!!! 

I thought that since he came around he had gotten used to me.  Can cats really understand that I am the one who took him away from his home?  Why did he love my friend?  I don't get it.  Am I a bad person?  It's making me question myself as a person.  This really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My mood is totally depressed and over a cat? ?  ?

Help!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do anymore. 

 

[Columbine]

You are NOT a bad person, or a failure, or anything of the sort. I can understand how frustrating this all must be for you.

Cats are ultra sensitive to our moods and emotions. From your posts, it sounds as though you're feeling pretty stressed and anxious - and maybe even in the depressive part of the bipolar cycle. The most likely reason for Charlie's behaviour towards you is that he isn't yet sure how to deal with that. I suspect your friend was putting out a calm, confident energy, and that in turn made Charlie feel secure.

You and he WILL get through this. Don't despair. I know its hard, but try to relax and chill out about all this. As you take the pressure off both Charlie and yourself, things will start to click. This is a stressful time for both of you, but you WILL come out the other side and your relationship will be all the stronger for it.

Hang in there

 

[ginny]

I would say to please be more patient and give it more time and be easy on yourself and him.  Perhaps you could work on calming your own nervousness, which the kitty is obviously feeding off of.  Perhaps your doctor can increase your anxiety med to help?  It is very stressful dealing with new animals, especially a cat.  Cats are very sensitive and notice every little thing.    

But if this cat stresses you out this much, I would have to say please call your friend and make arrangements to give him back to them.  

It's just not worth being this stressed out.

No, it's not your fault - you have really tried - and it's not the cat's fault.  It's just at this particular time in your life, the two of you are not a good match.

I'm sorry.  Hugs to you.

 

[charliecat1000]

Thank you so much for the help.  I really want this to work.  Before I go in to see him I take deep breaths to calm the anxiety.  I am folding clothes on one end of the bed and he is on the top part near the pillows, doesn't seem to bother him until I leave for a second and he is in one of the drawers LOL.  I just got really confused as to why he goes up to everyone but me.  I know it's my anxiety that he is feeding off of.  I also was able to throw him a few treats from one end of the bed and he took them from wherei tossed him.  I just can't see myself giving up on Charlie.  Wow I never realized cats were so sensitive.  I will keep calm, maybe try meditation like my friend does.  

There is one thing I will not do is that I will never abuse him, or drop him off somewhere.  Please send your prayers so I may find the strenght to deal with this!

Thank you all for your support, don't think I coiuld have have made it this far.

And yes i've been diagnosed as bipolar 1 , mixed episoodes and this weiather isn't hellping!

 

[charliecat1000]

My doctor unfortunately won't increase the benzo because I am also on narctoic pain meds, sorry to vear off topic just wanted to address that.  

 

[mservant]

You are NOT a bad person, or a failure, or anything of the sort. I can understand how frustrating this all must be for you.

Cats are ultra sensitive to our moods and emotions. From your posts, it sounds as though you're feeling pretty stressed and anxious - and maybe even in the depressive part of the bipolar cycle. The most likely reason for Charlie's behaviour towards you is that he isn't yet sure how to deal with that. I suspect your friend was putting out a calm, confident energy, and that in turn made Charlie feel secure.

You and he WILL get through this. Don't despair. I know its hard, but try to relax and chill out about all this. As you take the pressure off both Charlie and yourself, things will start to click. This is a stressful time for both of you, but you WILL come out the other side and your relationship will be all the stronger for it.

Hang in there

I want to second what Columbine has said to you Matt @CharlieCat1000  ,  hang in there.   Your posts over the last few days do not tell me that your cat does not like you, or that you and your cat are not a good match.  They tell me that you are very stressed and not feeling good about your self and you are worried that Charlie's behaviour means he does not like you.   Charlie is almost 6 years old and in a new home.  This is a big change for him.   So he seems happier to be out and close to people when he is not only with you - but as others have said, cats are masters at picking up on emotions and from what you say your emotions are not calm right now.  

You have a stressed cat looking at a stressed person, which is going to make your cat even more stressed.  When a cat is stressed they will put in to action  all their defenses, and these include hiding, hissing to warn you off, and hitting out if you get too close.   They pick up your anxiety as possible aggression and a threat to them.   It is not about your cat not liking you, it is about you and your cat needing some calm time to get to know each other a little and build up trust.  There are plenty of things you can do and plenty of time before you should worry about whether you and Charlie make good buddies.  

Doing things that seem very small, like the throwing treats to him on the bed, and playing games with him while maintaining a little distance that he feels comfortable with all help.   Some other things that might help too are to sit listening to music - esp calm classical stuff, which you can both hear as this often has a calming effect on cats too, and also for you to sit and read but to read out loud.  It might seem strange but that act of speaking but not directly to a cat can really help them relax with you and start to become interested in what you are doing.  Maybe it has something to do with your focus being on the pages of the book and talking rather than it being directly focused on them?   Next best thing is listening to audio books - which is pretty good if you don't sleep too well when you're anxious as well.    

Voice of experience here BTW in case you hadn't guessed.   I was so stressed when Mouse was young that he ended up getting stressed out - he started to hide away and I assumed it was because he wasn't happy living with me (because of how bad I felt and how stressed I was).   In fact what happened was  - when he got stressed as a result of me not being well it turned out he had feline herpes in his system which took the opportunity to become active.  It made him very sick and he was in a lot of pain.   You are way ahead of me because you already know about your anxiety and health issues:  even if it is difficult you can remind your self that you are not always looking at things clearly - and you can let other people remind you of this too.  Charlie is a wonderful new part of your life and a fantastic, positive motivation for you to master your anxieties and stay as well as you can.  The more healthy and well you are the more Charlie will understand what is happening around him and feel safe and calm along side you.  

 

[mservant]

Heh heh, just read your comment about trying meditation:   at one point I was practicing relaxation with a CD guiding me through various methods.  I would usually lay on a nice comfy rug on the floor.....   I would get so far and then a certain cat would start to get all curious and I'd feel whiskers and a cold nose sniffing about my fingers and my feet, then at my face.  Not easy to concentrate on relaxation with a cat dotting about in the background, but it was good fun having Mouse snurffling about all curious.  

    You might want to try doing something similar  @CharlieCat.  

 

[charliecat1000]

Thanks guys for all of your help.  I am trying deep breathing before I go in the next room to see him.  Sorry for the big font ...... Can't find my glasses lmao...Hope there not under the bed, hahaha.

Charlie and I bonded a litttttle bit this morning, I had to use tuna fish to have him come close to me.  He just loves tuna.Is that okay for him to eat? He just seems to love it ..........he did hiss at me a little bit but i quickly looked the other way and he did as well.  I think while he was eating the fish he got a little relaxed and let me pass him.  Now that he sees that i'm the one who poured the tuna for him i hope he relaxes more.

Now he is guarding the hallway so hoping i can make it to my bed room lol  i did watch My cat from hell yesterday andn it looks so easy.  Patience is a virtue with  this cat

hope youi all have a great day sorry for any typos i have a brand new computer and it is so slow

 

[mollyblue]

Sorry you are having a rough time of it with your new kitty.  Hang in there.  Its good you are patient with your cat, and all the advice you have been getting is great advice, but I hope very soon you begin to feel more comfortable and in control.  I think cats sense that. This is afterall YOUR home you are sharing with the cat, and not the other way around.  We have a feral/stray we took in and she can't stand our resident cats... If she had her way, she would kick the resident cats to the curb and  have the apartment to herself.  One of our cats stands her ground, and they seem to have a mutual respect for each other. Our other cat is terrified of the stray and will hide, duck, run, and in every manner avoid any contact.  As a result, this cat gets chased and dominated and the stray has way too much control over her.

Act like prey, get treated like prey.  Its awesome that you are showing your cat you mean her no harm, but I also think you need to let her know you are still the dominant cat.  You kitty wanting to take over your bed, and your clothes drawers to me is a little concerning.  On the one hand she could be mixing her scent with yours, and on the other hand, she could be trying to override your scent. 

Hang in there, you will strike a balance... just make sure it is a balance.  You have a lot to offer each other.  The kitty needs to respect your space as much as you respect hers.

 

[charliecat1000]

Hey everyone.....Good news!!

I don't know what happened, it was probably all of the advice I got from all of you, or Charlie learned how to use a computer when I was out and read this forum!!!

I just got home.  Grabbed a can of tuna and put it on a spoon.  I got close to him and he DID NOT hiss.  He actually smelled the fish.  I went to the kitchen.  Next thing I know .....he is waiting patiently by his food bowl.  I was maybe 1 foot away from him and he did not get upset.  He actually let me put the tuna down in the bowl.  He must have seen the anxiety in me because I could feel it but he overcame it.  He kept calm.  So I have to keep using tuna fish as my weapon to get close to him. I am so happy even if it was just for a minute we got close.  I think he's finally coming around.

Thanks to all of you.  I will keep everyone updated.  I'm not going to speed into things.  This is just a start.   A minor one but better than nothing right?!?!

 

[Columbine]

Such great news You will get there with him. Remember that hissing just means he's feeling uncertain and worried.

Tuna is fine for things like this, but isn't great apart from as a treat. Plain chicken baby food (check it's got no onions/garlic) is often just as attractive to many cats - members who work with feral cats swear by it! It's probably worth trying that too so you can change things up a bit and not overdo the tuna

 

[mservant]

It is a very positive start.  

   Very happy for both of you.   

See if you can get Charlie to snack on a few different types of fish, like sardines in spring water (not brine or oil), or even pilchards in tomato sauce as long as there isn't any onion of garlic in the sauce (I'm told some cats go mad for pilchards in tomato sauce 

 

  ).   The fish lower down the food chain and not so deep swimming are a bit healthier for the cat and hopefully just as yummy for treats if you want to keep going with the food favours and he doesn't take to the chicken Columbine suggested.  Really any sort of link with you bringing him food he likes is a positive, it will strengthen the trust and build a bond between you just as you have noted earlier in the thread.  

Early days when the cat is getting used to you and your home is almost always stressful and difficult, and that is when everyone feels 100% and able to take the hissy fits an anxious cat can throw.  I'm really glad you have seen a positive change today.      

 

[stewball]

It is a very positive start.      Very happy for both of you.   

See if you can get Charlie to snack on a few different types of fish, like sardines in spring water (not brine or oil), or even pilchards in tomato sauce as long as there isn't any onion of garlic in the sauce (I'm told some cats go mad for pilchards in tomato sauce :lol3:  :dk:   ).   The fish lower down the food chain and not so deep swimming are a bit healthier for the cat and hopefully just as yummy for treats if you want to keep going with the food favours and he doesn't take to the chicken Columbine suggested.  Really any sort of link with you bringing him food he likes is a positive, it will strengthen the trust and build a bond between you just as you have noted earlier in the thread.  

Early days when the cat is getting used to you and your home is almost always stressful and difficult, and that is when everyone feels 100% and able to take the hissy fits an anxious cat can throw.  I'm really glad you have seen a positive change today.      

@mservant. Do not laugh. My dad used to share a tin of pilchards in tomato sauce with the cat! A male called Sheba.

 

[Anne]

I'm really glad this is working for you. I wanted to add one possible cause to Charlie's initial aversion to you and only you. He may have been abused by a person that looks a bit like you in the past. If he's had no contact with similar-looking people over the years following that, he may still have that memory with him and hasn't been de-synthesized to that yet. The good news is that he can change his view of that and learn to you like you, and sounds like this is happening now. 

I wanted to add that to stress just how much his reaction to you was not your fault. He will learn to trust you and eventually bond with you and sounds like you're doing all the right things to make it happen sooner than later. Good luck! 

 

[charliecat1000]

 
I want to second what Columbine has said to you Matt @CharlieCat1000  ,  hang in there.   Your posts over the last few days do not tell me that your cat does not like you, or that you and your cat are not a good match.  They tell me that you are very stressed and not feeling good about your self and you are worried that Charlie's behaviour means he does not like you.   Charlie is almost 6 years old and in a new home.  This is a big change for him.   So he seems happier to be out and close to people when he is not only with you - but as others have said, cats are masters at picking up on emotions and from what you say your emotions are not calm right now.  

You have a stressed cat looking at a stressed person, which is going to make your cat even more stressed.  When a cat is stressed they will put in to action  all their defenses, and these include hiding, hissing to warn you off, and hitting out if you get too close.   They pick up your anxiety as possible aggression and a threat to them.   It is not about your cat not liking you, it is about you and your cat needing some calm time to get to know each other a little and build up trust.  There are plenty of things you can do and plenty of time before you should worry about whether you and Charlie make good buddies.  

Doing things that seem very small, like the throwing treats to him on the bed, and playing games with him while maintaining a little distance that he feels comfortable with all help.   Some other things that might help too are to sit listening to music - esp calm classical stuff, which you can both hear as this often has a calming effect on cats too, and also for you to sit and read but to read out loud.  It might seem strange but that act of speaking but not directly to a cat can really help them relax with you and start to become interested in what you are doing.  Maybe it has something to do with your focus being on the pages of the book and talking rather than it being directly focused on them?   Next best thing is listening to audio books - which is pretty good if you don't sleep too well when you're anxious as well.    

Voice of experience here BTW in case you hadn't guessed.   I was so stressed when Mouse was young that he ended up getting stressed out - he started to hide away and I assumed it was because he wasn't happy living with me (because of how bad I felt and how stressed I was).   In fact what happened was  - when he got stressed as a result of me not being well it turned out he had feline herpes in his system which took the opportunity to become active.  It made him very sick and he was in a lot of pain.   You are way ahead of me because you already know about your anxiety and health issues:  even if it is difficult you can remind your self that you are not always looking at things clearly - and you can let other people remind you of this too.  Charlie is a wonderful new part of your life and a fantastic, positive motivation for you to master your anxieties and stay as well as you can.  The more healthy and well you are the more Charlie will understand what is happening around him and feel safe and calm along side you.  

Thank you for the very informative post, as well as others.  Today was actually a good day.  Charlie came out and played and I was able to get close to him when I had the tuna.  HE DOES indeed pick up  on my anxiety.  Everything was fine until I got this awful anxiety feeling t hen he  hissed at me and ran away.  That means we just start from square one.  I was very proud of him coming in the kitchen and TV area moping around smelling things.  I just think this is a small set back.

Thanks