Heartbroken, In Shock, And Guilty

[sillywoody]

Just have to get this off my chest...

I'm in an airport right now trying not cry in front of people...have been sobbing all day.

I'm mixed with guilt, anger, confusion, shock and denial.

My beautiful fluffy furball best friend Woody died yesterday, and I never got to say goodbye...

The worst part is, I'm visiting a sibling in another country who had a hard pre/post birth...and for various reasons I haven't seen Woody in a month and a half. My last trip was 14 days long two years ago and never before that. Woody and his brother were with my SO until two weeks ago, and since then he has been at my SO's parents house where he grew up. I don't think he gets enough attention there, and I have been blaming myself constantly for not foreseeing this. He could have been unwell and they wouldn't have noticed.

I would have only been two weeks but I extended my trip to spend Christmas Eve with my nephew, thinking Woody and Silly were perfectly safe. Well Woody died last night.

I unextended my trip and heading back now to see Silly, Woody's brother and litter mate. If I didn't have him I'm not sure I could cope.

I'm missing seeing Woody's furry face by one day.

I feel nauseous.

 

[di and bob]

I'm so very sorry.......to lose a family member when you are away is always horrible, the feelings of guilt and unbearable pain will be around for a long time. You really had no choice, you had to go to your sibling. You left your little ones in good care and now something like this happens. Woody was older, in a sudden death like this, the most likely cause of death was heart problems. They may have been congenital or age related. You had no way of knowing something like this would happen, it was a unforeseeable tragedy. Please don't hold guilt over something you had no control over. Woody would be the last one to want you to be so sad because of him. Of course you must mourn, but try to concentrate on the good times you shared and not the end. It does no good at all to dwell on all the what ifs and could haves, they bring nothing but heartache and tears. The past is just that, there is nothing you can do to change it, no matter how much we want to. But you have your sweet memories of that boy, and the bond of love that ties your very souls together, nothing can take that from you. Love is spiritual, so eternal, remember that. His new path will forever parallel yours until the end of time.He loves you above all else and only wants happiness in your life, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. Tell him you love him, that you will forever hold him in your heart, he will hear you and comfort you with his sweet memories.
I wish I could take this nightmare away, in this season of happiness and birth it magnifies your feelings of loss and pain. I know, I too lost my little one at this time of the year. Time, and plenty of it is the only thing that dulls the sharp edges of grief. Please know I feel your pain, you are not alone in your sorrow. Surround yourself with those who understand your loss and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.......RIP precious Woody. You will never be forgotten and will forever be held secure in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I had already posted in your other thread, but let me say it again here...

Rest you gentle, Woody, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

 

[sillywoody]

I'm so very sorry.......to lose a family member when you are away is always horrible, the feelings of guilt and unbearable pain will be around for a long time. You really had no choice, you had to go to your sibling. You left your little ones in good care and now something like this happens. Woody was older, in a sudden death like this, the most likely cause of death was heart problems. They may have been congenital or age related. You had no way of knowing something like this would happen, it was a unforeseeable tragedy. Please don't hold guilt over something you had no control over. Woody would be the last one to want you to be so sad because of him. Of course you must mourn, but try to concentrate on the good times you shared and not the end. It does no good at all to dwell on all the what ifs and could haves, they bring nothing but heartache and tears. The past is just that, there is nothing you can do to change it, no matter how much we want to. But you have your sweet memories of that boy, and the bond of love that ties your very souls together, nothing can take that from you. Love is spiritual, so eternal, remember that. His new path will forever parallel yours until the end of time.He loves you above all else and only wants happiness in your life, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. Tell him you love him, that you will forever hold him in your heart, he will hear you and comfort you with his sweet memories.
I wish I could take this nightmare away, in this season of happiness and birth it magnifies your feelings of loss and pain. I know, I too lost my little one at this time of the year. Time, and plenty of it is the only thing that dulls the sharp edges of grief. Please know I feel your pain, you are not alone in your sorrow. Surround yourself with those who understand your loss and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.......RIP precious Woody. You will never be forgotten and will forever be held secure in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words. My SO's family are not "cat" people, and hearing this really makes me feel better. The pain is so bad right now, and you made me realize why it feels especially bad...the timing with Christmas, my favourite holiday. I'm going to try to think of my time with Silly now as a blessing, rather than focus on the time I feel I have lost with Woody. I'm still dealing with denial and bursts of sobbing...but I think the pain will lessen with time as you say. I just have to look forward rather than backward.

I won't forget your encouragement, bless you!

 

[sillywoody]

I had already posted in your other thread, but let me say it again here...

Rest you gentle, Woody, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Thank you, very much.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry for your loss of your little friend, and the situation that you are in just adds to the stress, but unfortunately life doesn't stop to say "is this a good time to give you problems, or should I come back later?", it just hits us with things out of the blue and we just have to get back up, brush ourselves off and deal with it, it is tough especially with you being away from home, that just makes it 10 times tougher, but somehow we muster the strength to carry on even though our hearts are broken and we are in shock.

A few weeks ago I was notified that a woman that I worked with was in the hospital in bad shape, and that I was power of attorney! I remember her and her husband taking Deb & I out to eat in 2000 and they talked about if something would happen to them would we be willing to take care of things, they had little family around and he and his daughter did not get along, we said yes but he passed shortly afterwards, we kept in touch with the wife, she worked with me for a bit after he passed then left, we kept in touch but she met a fella and we parted ways as happens in life, and over the years I just assumed that this all would be handled by him and his family, but he didn't want to do it. When they showed me all of the paperwork that they had drawn up at the lawyers that I knew NOTHING about, including being the life insurance beneficiary I had to sit down, I almost passed out, I had no idea and they said "we know, you never signed any papers", but I visited her in the hospital that night, she was still with it enough to talk and I will be FOREVER grateful for that talk, we both said we understood that we drifted aside from the yearly Christmas cards, she had a new life I had mine, but we were fine with it all, I said that I would handle things and I am, and believe me the first few days I was numb and in shock like you are now, but I just "started digging", a little at a time, made phone calls, met doctors and bankers and insurance people, talked with her lawyer and she has since passed peacefully and I am still handling it the best that I can. But my point is this to you, sometimes life throws things at you out of the blue that you don't think that you can handle, and it isn't pleasant but we CAN handle more than we think, and I think this story will apply to you too, that you too can overcome this shock and setback, it isn't easy and hurts like hell and is tough, but you can do it, just dig a little at a time....

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you and give you strength and guidance....

 

[neely]

My deepest regrets and heartfelt sympathies go out to you. No matter what the circumstances are surrounding our beloved cats I think we all second guess ourselves. It's not meant to make us feel guilty but rather because they have given us unconditional love and in return they mean the world to us. Once again, my sincere condolences. RIP sweet angel.

 

[Mashkasheli]

I am very sorry for the loss of your little angel. Especially been so far I can imagine it was that much harder. It is indescribable losing our loved one. I myself lost my little Sheleg 3 weeks ago and can relate. Please don't be embarrassed to cry, please grieve, and please do not feel guilty. Your angel knew how much you loved him, and that love doesn't stop. It goes on forever, both ways. Again I am so sorry for your loss. Take care and remember that Woody was and is loved and loves you. Always.

 

[sillywoody]

I am so sorry for your loss of your little friend, and the situation that you are in just adds to the stress, but unfortunately life doesn't stop to say "is this a good time to give you problems, or should I come back later?", it just hits us with things out of the blue and we just have to get back up, brush ourselves off and deal with it, it is tough especially with you being away from home, that just makes it 10 times tougher, but somehow we muster the strength to carry on even though our hearts are broken and we are in shock.

A few weeks ago I was notified that a woman that I worked with was in the hospital in bad shape, and that I was power of attorney! I remember her and her husband taking Deb & I out to eat in 2000 and they talked about if something would happen to them would we be willing to take care of things, they had little family around and he and his daughter did not get along, we said yes but he passed shortly afterwards, we kept in touch with the wife, she worked with me for a bit after he passed then left, we kept in touch but she met a fella and we parted ways as happens in life, and over the years I just assumed that this all would be handled by him and his family, but he didn't want to do it. When they showed me all of the paperwork that they had drawn up at the lawyers that I knew NOTHING about, including being the life insurance beneficiary I had to sit down, I almost passed out, I had no idea and they said "we know, you never signed any papers", but I visited her in the hospital that night, she was still with it enough to talk and I will be FOREVER grateful for that talk, we both said we understood that we drifted aside from the yearly Christmas cards, she had a new life I had mine, but we were fine with it all, I said that I would handle things and I am, and believe me the first few days I was numb and in shock like you are now, but I just "started digging", a little at a time, made phone calls, met doctors and bankers and insurance people, talked with her lawyer and she has since passed peacefully and I am still handling it the best that I can. But my point is this to you, sometimes life throws things at you out of the blue that you don't think that you can handle, and it isn't pleasant but we CAN handle more than we think, and I think this story will apply to you too, that you too can overcome this shock and setback, it isn't easy and hurts like hell and is tough, but you can do it, just dig a little at a time....

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you and give you strength and guidance....

Thank you for sharing, I believe you are right, life does throw things at us that seem unimaginable but somehow we can make it through. This is more than I ever could have thought was possible to handle, but thank you for pointing out I can get through it. Trying to dust myself off now

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Be prepared for it to sneak up and kick you at odd moments for quite some time yet. It will. That's a natural part of it. But the kicks will, with time, become less frequent, and not as hard.

 

[di and bob]

I've always said grief is compared to the ocean, where all life began. After the storm of a broken heart, with it's huge waves of sadness and whirlpools of pain, the storm passes and the waves become gentle and full of peace. We begin to live again, to trust our hearts to not spill out their endless tides of tears, when out of the calm comes a huge tsunami of emotion and grief once more and it wipes our peace away on its towering waves of grief. The sea once more returns to its calming, hypnotic swells, and we learn to appreciate its beauty once more while knowing that tsunami can return at any time. So goes grief and it's unpredictable hold on our hearts and souls.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Thank you, di and bob , for giving my thought such a beautiful form!

 

[sillywoody]

Be prepared for it to sneak up and kick you at odd moments for quite some time yet. It will. That's a natural part of it. But the kicks will, with time, become less frequent, and not as hard.

This is exactly it. One second I could be smiling or preoccupied, the next, sobbing. Thank you, I really hope so. Best ~

 

[sillywoody]

Thank you, di and bob , for giving my thought such a beautiful form![/QUOTE

I've always said grief is compared to the ocean, where all life began. After the storm of a broken heart, with it's huge waves of sadness and whirlpools of pain, the storm passes and the waves become gentle and full of peace. We begin to live again, to trust our hearts to not spill out their endless tides of tears, when out of the calm comes a huge tsunami of emotion and grief once more and it wipes our peace away on its towering waves of grief. The sea once more returns to its calming, hypnotic swells, and we learn to appreciate its beauty once more while knowing that tsunami can return at any time. So goes grief and it's unpredictable hold on our hearts and souls.

Thank you, so much.

I’m going to try to think more about my grief this way. I love the ocean, it can be the most forgiving and unforgiving place in the world. It will help to focus on the good rather than the bad. But as you have pointed out, it is hard not to know one without the other. Maybe I need this grief to know how wonderful happiness is.

There is definitely a painful life lesson here that hopefully will change my life for the better. My time with Woody’s brother, Silly, is already so much more appreciated. What I know I have already learned is that life can be shorter than we expect, so to hold on and be thankful for what we have rather than dwell on what we don’t. Although, I did love deeply the moments I shared with Woody, and I did love him unconditionally. I’m not ready yet but when I am I will tell everyone more about him and share some photos.
Big Hugs~

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Death is something we get through, not over. Once in a great long while, I still cry for Kim, the dog I grew up with, and we had to have her put to sleep at the ripe old age of 14 or 15...oh, 41 years ago, now.

 

[sillywoody]

I have been reading this...that getting over death is a myth. It definitely is a process...I’m not sobbing at all any more. Just feeling a kind of emptiness that is with me at all times of the day. I miss my kitty so badly. I have to focus on his brother Silly, who is also grieving. It’s so sad to watch him looking around for Woody in all the places he used to sleep. I even have to keep the armoir doors open at all times because having them closed confuses Silly, and he thinks Woody is in there.

Ceva’s Feliway is helping a ton, and never seemed to work on Silly before. I highly recommend it for a grieving cat.

RIP Kim .

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Thank you. Finally, after a long long time the sweet memories overtook the sorrow, but that sorrow never leaves. It helps knowing that love does not die, but OH MY! How we miss their physical presence!