Heartbroken And Grieving

[kristeeeeeno]

I ran over my beloved cat with my car. She was 19 years old and strong, she should have lived forever. I hate myself and don't know how to function with this pain. I loved her so damn much and would never have imagined I would cause her untimely death. We adopted her when she was 2 years old. She was my best friend, my favorite person in the world. We would nap together in the sun, and I would listen to her breathe or watch her eyes twitch while she dreamed. She was full of attitude, vocal, cuddly, and quick to purr.

Every time I have a moment to myself, I relive the night I hit her, how if felt when my car went over her; saw her scared and in pain; in the hospital with the doctors doing CPR on her; bundled in the purple towel the doctors wrapped her in when she died, and how she felt when they placed her body in my arms. The last time I tickled her under her chin, when she was sitting on the dining room table next to a potted plant. What I hate most is that I usually check to make sure she's safe because she's old and I wanted her to live forever. I don't know why I was so confident she wasn't outside when I drove out of the driveway. I'm absolutely heartbroken and can't stop crying and feeling nauseous from the memories of what I did.

My family have been telling me not to be so hard on myself. That she was prone to escape the house at night, that it could have been anyone. To find consolation in knowing she had a long and happy life. That accidents happen. But I killed my best friend. I wish I had checked to make sure she was inside. I wish I had let her die at home, instead of putting through the misery of my driving and the hospital experience. I wish I hadn't given the doctor permission to do CPR, she must have hated it. She should have enjoyed this beautiful day with me and more. I'm heartbroken.

I'm posting here because people recommend sharing stories in forums for support. I honestly am not looking for forgiveness. I hate myself. But I don't want my grief to affect my other relationships and my work, and I'm hoping some solace comes from sharing this story. But today, right now, all I can do is cry. I'm heartbroken.

I'm heartbroken.

 

[Winchester]

I'm sorry for your kitty. Poor baby.

 

[di and bob]

There are no words that can comfort at a time like this. You will most likely remember that awful time for the rest of your life, just as I do when I crossed that street and didn't know my precious little girl was following me......I witnessed her death and it was the most traumatic time in my life, period.
You did not get in that car with the intention of hurting your little one, so it was an accident, something you would never in a million years do on purpose. But it happened and no matter how much you would like to change what happened, to go back in time, the past is what it is and there is nothing going to change it. Neither one of us will ever forget what happened, or even accept it, but you have to live with it and learn to cope. I thank God for the ten years I shared my life with my little one, you had 19 years. They shared our life's paths for a little while, and they still follow behind ours on a new path, until once again it crosses in the future.
I truly believe that your little girl would never want you to be so grief stricken for the rest of your life because of her. She loves you too much. If you were the first to go you would never want her to live out the rest of your life in sorrow, you would want her to find happiness and sunshine once more, and you can give her this last gift by remembering her with joy and fondness.
Of course right now the pain is too raw, too overwhelming. Time is honestly the only thing that dulls the sharp edges of grief. I've always compared it to the ocean, some days it can be calm and peaceful, and you will almost enjoy yourself once more. Then comes a huge wave of remembrance and grief, like a tidal wave, that drowns you once more in sorrow. You have to be strong to drag yourself out of it. Don't allow it to take over your life. Don't let anyone dismiss your grief either. You loved that little girl as much or more than any human, the heart knows no difference between species, it just accepts and loves.
Keep busy, keep your mind from wandering to that dark time. It serves no purpose, all those should haves, could haves, bring nothing but heartache because there is no way to change the past. Do good things in your little girl's name, I still pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest at my local shelter to give them a chance of love. And do it in my Chrissy's name. It makes you feel better about yourself and keeps you busy. Donate cat food and litter to your local shelter or food pantry, it is something that is desperately needed and makes a difference to a life.
I still cry 5 years later when I allow myself to go back to that time. You do learn to live with yourself, but it changes you. You have to intentionally try to be the kind of person you were before and interact with people once again, not be consumed with this to the point of withdrawing.
Know in your heart that your sweet girl is at peace now, she is nearby whenever you need her, held to your soul by the strong bond you developed over those 19 years. Ask her for her forgiveness, you know she will give it because that is what love is. It is spiritual so will be with you the rest of your life. She will comfort you with her sweet memories when you need it.
Take care of yourself, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
RIP precious girl, you will never be forgotten, you will be held in a loving heart forever more. Sleep tight, little Princess!

 

[cataan]

Three years ago I was responsible for my cat's accidental/untimely death; he was only seven years old. Like you, I knew not to do what I did, in fact just days before I told myself not to, but I panicked when he was dealing with a hairball... and his death is my fault. I don't need to describe why Back was my best friend -- I'm not comparing him to your cat -- we each bond with a special cat in our own ways.

So I won't tell you that it's okay, or that you are forgiven -- like you I have not forgiven myself. That my intentions were good is not relevant, I failed my best friend and I live with guilt and regret every single day. For the first two weeks I was a zombie, and in that first month lost 10 pounds -- I just stopped eating. Three years gone and I'm still sad and angry at myself. I know how you feel.

A few months after Back's death I adopted a 10 month old cat to try to make something good come from something bad. This cat resembles Back (both medium haired black cats), his name was close to Back's, and he plays fetch (not nearly as well as Back, but still). So, in part, I wanted to be reminded of Back, and Baxter (Bax) does that to a degree, but I also know that just as I saved Back's life when I adopted him as a kitten, it is a good deed to save a life. I guess I felt a sense of duty and responsibility, that I owed a debt and this was a way to partially repay it. But it will never be repaid in full.

I'm sorry for you kitty.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Beautiful Lady, dream you deep. You will never be forgotten.

I am so, so sorry that you and your cat went through this. Her pain is gone, but yours is a howling beast tearing at your soul. You must grieve, and grieve deeply. It is a part of who we are. I will tell you this, for later, much later, the best way to honor the love your cat gave to you unconditionally is to give a bit of that love to yourself, and, when the time is right, to (perhaps) another cat. NOT to take her place, but to honor her memory.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

~ Wow ... this just happened to me on Friday ! I was not going to tell anybody and here I see your post .
I'm very sorry this happened .
What can we do ? These little animals come into our life and we fall in love . So sad to lose them for any reason .
My "old lady" Fluffy was over 20 and most likely near the end . But she was comfortable and happy . The last cat left that belonged to my Mother. Fluffy's hearing loss was probably the reason she did not hear the engine when I started the car .
Today she will be buried in my yard.

​

 

[Mark Lehrkind]

Kitties were always good at forgiving, you should be as good. I cried at your story- Keska (our dog) and Stewart ( the cat) came to comfort me. Know that we are all here for you too.

 

[wombat]

I'm so, so sorry. All I can say is that I'm sure your kitty would understand and not blame you for what happened, even though I know how much you must be blaming yourself right now. You gave her 19 good years. I know it's hard, but I pray that with time, you will remember those beautiful 19 years rather than that horrible day. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

 

[les26]

I am so very sorry that this horrible thing has happened, I would also be so very distraught over it no matter what anyone would say to me. But it was an unfortunate accident, you did not do it on purpose certainly, and you can blame yourself and think "I should have checked if she was inside" and other things but for some strange reason this was meant to be, but so sorry that it happened to you.

I can tell you that this horrible memory will stay with you for quite awhile, it may slowly start to fade but don't be surprised if it hits you hard like a huge wave down the line; that's what happened to me when I came home years ago to find Sebastian who was sick tangled in a mini blind, probably trying to escape the pain he was in because he was dying, 20 seconds after I untangled him he died in my arms, he literally hung on because he knew I was coming home, but that event played mind games with me for quite awhile, about 1.5 years before I could say that I was mostly "over it", and I would expect similar feelings here, maybe even stronger and longer, but don't be afraid to talk to someone about it, either a counselor or pastor or at the least these wonderful people on here, but talking it out while painful DOES help the healing process.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, your kitty doesn't blame you and forgives you, and doesn't want you to be so sad and hurting. God Bless.....

 

[zed xyzed]

How devastating, I am so sorry you had to experience this. RIP sweet girl