Friends of the opposite sex

[tara g]

Yesterday I reconnected with a friend of mine - we met when we were about 6 or 7, and he was my first ever crush

My mom used to make fun of me on how I'd swoon over him daily when I'd see him, or when I'd ask his mom to take me home. Lost contact for awhile, then in high school became friends again. He had been dating the same girl for awhile, so it was just a mini-re-crush I guess you could say. We hung out, I had other people on my mind anyway. I enjoyed being friends again, catching up, and bragging back and forth about our cars (we both had Camaros). I moved in 2004, haven't seen him since, but have each other as FB friends. Earlier in the week he added me on BlackBerry Messenger too.

I noticed some depressing things on FB and BBM, so started chatting, trying to cheer him up and lend an ear. We ended up "talking" for 2 hours on BBM, no biggie to me, OR to Rob. Talked about how he's been feeling like a blob of "blah" lately (I think he's pining for his ex [they have a 3 year old together], who's with someone else now). Also about diesel trucks (he had one built up, hubby & I want to do some stuff to ours, so he gave some advice), talked about jobs, blah blah. He's still just a friend. I did end up dreaming that it was the past, my brother and I were going to some "ball" held at a school, and I was hoping that my friend would show. In the dream, I was 17 again though, still in HS - it was some school dance. It had a lot of people I went to school with in it, just as we were back then.

The guys at work absolutely freaked that Rob didn't immediately tell me to cut contact with my friend, because of how 16 years ago I wanted to date him, even though the age of 7 is hardly dating age

And how when I was 16-17, which was 6-7 years ago, I momentarily thought about it too. All wayyy before I met hubby, btw.

It sounds to me as though my co-workers have been burned before because of something like that. Hubby and I established awhile ago we won't control who the other talks to; he still talks to almost all of his ex-girlfriends on FB, and I talk people I liked when I was younger (because we ended up friends instead!), and even my "ex". We have that trust that the other isn't going to run off with someone from their past, especially if they're only just a friend now. Neither of us would have gotten married if we were desiring to be with anyone else but each other.

So I guess I'm just seeing what other people have to say. I'm happy my friend and I reconnected. I still love my hubby with the undying feelings I've had since the beginning, its not like I woke up and changed my mind about anything or that I wished anything in my life were different

.

My co-workers don't think that "trust" is a factor when talking to friends of the opposite sex, whether or not there was a past there, just that it shouldn't happen at all, no matter what.

 

[marie-p]

I think it should be perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite sex. Why not? Personally, I would not want to be with any man who wouldn't want me to have male friends.

 

[goldenkitty45]

I disagree with your friends. If you and Rob have a solid strong relationship and a lot of trust and neither has done something to destroy that trust, then its ok to talk to your friend (and he talk to other females).

The problem is when the "friend" becomes more then that and you cross the line. It can easily happen and you always have to be on the alert for inappropriate things.

There's a guy at work - we are good friends and hubby knows him and knows we kid around (in fact hubby also gives me suggestions). I do not hide anything from my husband - he knows what happens and he doesn't have a problem with it. My friend at work knows not to cross the line and is respectful - my hubby and him have met in person briefly just so he knows everything is ok.

Just keep in the back of your mind to never cross the line with your friend and be open with Rob in your conversation, etc.

 

[tara g]

My friend is 850 miles away from me now that I live in SC, so physically crossing the line would be hard. The extent of our joking around yesterday was me asking if I could call him "Dog", because one of his jobs is a bounty hunter

And that I was mad he got "Final Countdown" stuck in my head watching a YouTube video he made of his and his friends' trucks. That, and I have no desire to cross any lines away from Rob. I was always more friendly with males than females growing up and still now. I was a tomboy car-loving girl who used to skateboard with the guys. I still drag race, work on cars, and overall get along better without cattiness.

I do have another friend, who I've actually never met in person, but we've talked for about 10 years now, who lately has had no problem talking about how bad he wishes he could find my "twin", and wishes he acted on being with me, yadda ya. Rob, of course, knows about it, and is actually more flattered than worried, because he has me and knows I'm not going anywhere. That friend of mine also lives in Jersey, so no worries there.

The co-workers of mine are just floored that we allow each other to have friends of the opposite sex and trust one another. I hated hubby's ex-gf bad, but don't mind him talking to her now - I know who he married. If he wants to keep in touch with her now, then I'm fine with it. Only once recently did I not like a girl hanging around my hubby - not because I didnt trust him, but because I didnt trust her intentions. She used to send him cutesy text messages too, which didn't sit well with me, but now all is fine - she's working a lot and we played match maker and intro'd her to a friend of ours.

 

[Winchester]

I've been married for almost 39 years and overall, I'm very happy being married to my DH. Yes, he makes me crazy sometimes and yes, I make him nuts. We argue, we have "discussions" and sometimes, darn it, we fight. But you know what? It works.

My very best friend in the entire world is a man. We worked together for 15 years, went to college together, and then worked together again for about 8 years or so. I love him and I adore him. Would I sleep with him? No! In fact, the whole thing has never even come up. At all.

Ironically, before he met me, my friend used to think that it was impossible for two people of the opposite sex to have a friendship because "the sex" would always come up. Yet, even though we're very close and we tell each other everything, he's happily married.....and so am I.

My DH and my BF have met; I've met my buddy's wife. We've all gone to dinner together. They've come to our house and we've to theirs. A couple of years ago, my buddy moved out of state; he accepted a position as a pastor, which was his lifelong dream. Frankly, I was a mess for a couple months. DH understood and he helped me through it.

Men and women can be friends, really good friends. Without crossing the line.

 

[katiemae1277]

I have more male friends than female, cause, to be honest, I don't really get along with most females

I always feel like there is some sort of "game" being played between women... I'll elaborate. I feel like a lot of women want what another has, even between friends. Women are jealous creatures. With guys, I don't have that feeling. And yes, most of my male friends are guys that I have either dated, or just liked before. I would never date/marry a guy who forbade me to be friends with anyone, no one tells me what I can and cannot do

 

[trouts mom]

Honestly? I think its weird to make friends with people of the opposite sex AFTER you have committed yourself in a relationship. I certainly don't need any new male friends, and I would think it strange if DH all of a sudden had new "girl" friends.

If, however, you knew the person of the opposite sex BEFORE you were with your DH/FH than, It wouldn't bug me.

 

[tigerontheprowl]

Tara you sound just like me! From Kindergarten to grade 4 I spent every day after school at my friends house. She lived 3 houses down so it's not like I had to travel far

. She was my best friend for the longest time. My first crush, first kiss and first heartbreak when she had to move away in grade 5. But then as luck would have it we met up again in high school. And now we're the best of friends again. I still haven't asked her out on a date though. Maybe I should. It's only been 10 years since we were reunited

 

[tara g]

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Honestly? I think its weird to make friends with people of the opposite sex AFTER you have committed yourself in a relationship. I certainly don't need any new male friends, and I would think it strange if DH all of a sudden had new "girl" friends.

If, however, you knew the person of the opposite sex BEFORE you were with your DH/FH than, It wouldn't bug me.

Most of the guy friends I keep in touch with were people from when I lived in Jersey - all before hubby. The majority of guy friends I have in Charleston of course were met through hubby or with hubby. And my male co-workers are friends too. Hubby has met almost all of them (any that I've hung out with outside work he's met - they bring their cars to him to be fixed, we've been to their weddings, etc). I dont tend to make friends much outside work unless they're on the car boards we're both on & meet at the same time.

 

[clucas976]

This is such a taboo subject for so many people.

My husband and I will have been married for a full year May 9th (yeah, we're still nubs

)..we've been together for almost 5 yrs (in oct.) When I met him it was through the same mutual guy friend.

I've also adopted my husband other guy friends. Neither of us have ever cheated on anyone, or eachother nor do we plan to, I just don't like girls and other than obvious male interests neither does he.

I have a coworker my husband and I joke about as being my "work spouse" and we constantly make terrible jokes between the three of us, its not a big issue.

I think the key thing in marriage is trust. If you can't trust someone and you're constantly jealous or worried, a relationship cannot work. Period.

My husband has gone and hung out with me with a kid I was sincerely interested in dating, he's still one of my favorite people, it wasn't a problem.

A friend of ours witnessed a dramatic (purposely) arguement between my husband and I about him not putting out and just inviting friends over lol, at which point our friend walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said "so, I heard you aren't getting any"

By all means my husband should have killed someone by now if going on most peoples standards. But, we both know the other is not out doing nasties with whoever, and we trust eachother, sometimes too comfortably. I even talk to his only really serious ex, and we intend to hang out sometime, we get along great.

I believe your friends who reacted the way they did have never experienced a relationship built on honesty and trust. I didn't lie to my husband about the guy I wanted to date (which was around the time I hooked up with my hubby)I honestly told him who he was, the story, about our friendship, and that was that, I don't hide things from him, and even if I have to pry things out of him ("what did you do today" "nothing" "dude, I know you at least went to work" type of prying) he's honest with me.

just my 2cents/ramble on the subject

 

[ut0pia]

I think having friends of the opposite sex shouldn't be an issue in a relationship. But at the same time, there are times when you feel like that really good friend is becoming a little too close, and they are spending a lot of time together, time that you'd like to have with your SO.....there are times when it can cross the line, even if it's just a friendship..
I think it's important for people who have friends of the opposite sex and are married, to make sure they still put the husband or wife first...

 

[russian blue]

Originally Posted by Tara & Rob

.........My co-workers don't think that "trust" is a factor when talking to friends of the opposite sex, whether or not there was a past there, just that it shouldn't happen at all, no matter what.

Totolly disagree - unless the term 'friends' is not how I define it?

Trust and commitment are the base of any stable relationship. If you can't trust your spouse to be friends with the opposite gender, I don't think you should be together in the first place. Your co-workers' inner fears and assumptions seem automatically activated when a f/m relationship is brought up -completely unwarrented IMO.

I've now been together with Rob for almost 14 years and he has many female friends and vica versa. It's never been an issue or even a second thought! I pick my friends for who they are as human beings, not depending on gender.

If Rob had an issue with me being friends with other males, we would seriously have to have a talk to find out what fears he has and where they were coming from. The root cause of his fear would be a greater concern than the gender issue.

Originally Posted by katiemae1277

......II would never date/marry a guy who forbade me to be friends with anyone...............

I agree - unless it was an unhealthy relationship

 

[tara g]

I think I've determined that guilt speaks for one of the two co-workers. He currently is juggling 3 or 4 women.

I think he has some serious trust issues as well, and just likes to rile people up - because if we're talking about hubby working weekends, he'll ask me "are you sure he's not cheating on you and just SAYING he's working weekends?!"

Considering 1. I trust hubby; 2. I've gone to work with him on Saturdays before to help out, AND 3. know that him putting the $$ in my hand to deposit or put in our cash box came from WORK.

There also may be jealousy because my co-worker always tells me that he needs to find someone like me because I'm "wifey material"

- making breakfast for hubby, helping out at his job, doing nice things, never say "no" to the bed, blah blah. Some people just like to start drama.

I agree that its about trust trust trust. Hubby is the type who isnt jealous of anyone saying things about me, because he has me, I go home with him, and I plan on being with him faithfully for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes I wish he WOULD get a little riled about someone saying something like "oh your wife is hot, I'm coming over this weekend" and stuff [like people at the bowling alley said on Friday

] My FIL is like him though too, just smiles when people say things like that about my MIL and is flattered, not bothered.

 

[ut0pia]

I had a friend who did the same to me...My boyfriend went on a cruise a few weeks ago, and all I was getting from this friend was that, "No one sleeps alone in the Bahamas"..

It's just that some people who aren't loyal to their SO think that everyone else is like them...
It ticked me off, but I didn't get worried...
Besides, even if I didn't trust my BF, we talk on the phone so much, when he's doing the most random things he calls me to say what he's doing, and he texts me...It would be hard for us to hide anything when we know what the other one is doing every second of the day...

 

[vampcow]

I had to throw my 2 cents in. I have two guy friends that i have been friends with since kindergarten. They are like brothers to me and they are not only best friends with me but with my twin brother. My Husband has no problem with it. in fact he asked them to be his groomsmen at our wedding.

 

[3catsn1dog]

For me althought trust is a big part of being friends with ppl of the opposite sex while being in a relationship. It just doesnt work for me. Im not friends with guys and Bf isnt friends with any girls. Its just the way we are, I have had guy friends that I was really really close with HOWEVER my choice to not speak to them anymore didnt stem from my relationship it came from me not agreeing with their lifestyle choices and not wanting to get high anymore. They respect my choice and I get that they arent ready to make that change in their life. BF isnt friends with any girls except his brothers gf and his step brothers wives. But even then he doesnt talk to them outside of when we all hang out and I dont talk to his brother or step brother aside from when we all hang out. For us it just works out that we dont have friends of the opposite sex and I personally prefer it that way.