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- #61
Thanks lauracatlover, and sorry for your recent loss, neil12345. I had to put my previous cat to sleep with liver failure. He couldn't just live at the vets on an IV. His body was finished, and he went quickly, but it was my first time and it was a terrible shock.
My girl was not there, though. I kept her going for 4 extra years, and arbitrarily ended it because of my needs. She did not go quickly. It was a horrible 45 minutes of trying to get the drugs to work, which they did not, and we had to go to anesthetic. I could not find anyone to care for her. What kills me with guilt is that I put myself first. I didn't turn back even though I felt horrible doing it and even told the vet I didn't want to. It's hard to throw away a two thousand dollar plane ticket, especially when my fiance paid for it so we could be together for a longer while and get to know each other before marrying. One of those long internet relationships. I had actually known him since just after she got sick almost 4 years before. It sounds like a wretched soap opera, but I only say these things by way of explaining how it became such a tortured knot of conflicting desires.
She was old and declining and terminally ill, but stable that day, and it is very hard to reconcile. I feel I have lost a big chunk of myself, including the right to call myself an animal lover. I have lost my identity. I'm not a vegan, so what kind of animal lover am I anyway? Well, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I'm not saying this is worse than what other people go through in their worst mistakes of their lives, but it is not the typical have to put down a pet because they are in agony and have no quality of life. It was me that had no quality of life. I was in prison.
I just had an acquaintance as me "Did you have to get rid of your cat" and that set me off today, plus the fact that it's the one year anniversary of her death pretty soon.
All I can say is I try to learn more in life and be more proactive yet also not so reactive when action is called for. I am trying to be a better person. We have to learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, I can't change the past.
My girl was not there, though. I kept her going for 4 extra years, and arbitrarily ended it because of my needs. She did not go quickly. It was a horrible 45 minutes of trying to get the drugs to work, which they did not, and we had to go to anesthetic. I could not find anyone to care for her. What kills me with guilt is that I put myself first. I didn't turn back even though I felt horrible doing it and even told the vet I didn't want to. It's hard to throw away a two thousand dollar plane ticket, especially when my fiance paid for it so we could be together for a longer while and get to know each other before marrying. One of those long internet relationships. I had actually known him since just after she got sick almost 4 years before. It sounds like a wretched soap opera, but I only say these things by way of explaining how it became such a tortured knot of conflicting desires.
She was old and declining and terminally ill, but stable that day, and it is very hard to reconcile. I feel I have lost a big chunk of myself, including the right to call myself an animal lover. I have lost my identity. I'm not a vegan, so what kind of animal lover am I anyway? Well, we all have to learn from our mistakes. I'm not saying this is worse than what other people go through in their worst mistakes of their lives, but it is not the typical have to put down a pet because they are in agony and have no quality of life. It was me that had no quality of life. I was in prison.
I just had an acquaintance as me "Did you have to get rid of your cat" and that set me off today, plus the fact that it's the one year anniversary of her death pretty soon.
All I can say is I try to learn more in life and be more proactive yet also not so reactive when action is called for. I am trying to be a better person. We have to learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, I can't change the past.
