Fear and loathing... in the passing of my kitty

[cat-astrophe]

Wow I have never heard of anyone doing this here in Australia, I have my cats ashes, at least I assume they are in the urn but I cant open it to find out!

so I am thinking you having pearl's skull is probably even better . It looks lovely sitting on the wooden base.  Rest in peace Pearl and know that you were

and still are well loved.

 

[jlc20m]

Thinking of you in your time of loss. Safe hugs and blessings coming your way...

Jlc20m

 

[lilin]

 
Wow I have never heard of anyone doing this here in Australia, I have my cats ashes, at least I assume they are in the urn but I cant open it to find out!

so I am thinking you having pearl's skull is probably even better . It looks lovely sitting on the wooden base.  Rest in peace Pearl and know that you were

and still are well loved.

The taxidermist I went to is actually a wildlife taxidermist, mostly for hunters. Pet taxidermists don't do this sort of thing -- they only do stuffing. He said that he has had a few other requests for pet preservation, but strangely, only cat guardians. Never for dogs. Perhaps there is something about being the kind of person who loves the world's best hunters that makes us a little darker in our sense of beauty.

I have a friend who said this was what she wanted to do when her cat passed, but she was unable to find anyone to do it. And it is hard to do. I had one taxidermist call me "weird" when I called to ask about it. Coming from a guy who mounts skulls for a living, that was a bit rich, and I was kind of upset for having someone judge me like that in my time of grief.

Another nice thing about it that I hadn't even known beforehand is that it's actually a lot cheaper than cremation. It cost me a grand total of 30 bucks. Private cremation would have cost me a couple hundred.

I am so happy I went ahead with it. It is a bit challenging to be confronted with in some ways, but it feels right.

 

[catsknowme]

Condolences on losing your precious Pearl!  Your dream may be prophetic, and perhaps there is another cat out there who needs your help. The ancestors taught that dreams between midnight and dawn can be symbolic.  I pray for the kitty in your dream - the conditions and the bugs may be symbolic but the need may be real; you sound exactly like the sort of person who will be receptive when the right time comes.

    It may be that your help is as simple as seeing a cat in need & calling a rescue group; or notifying a security guard, etc.  Once  I was up for 50 hours - my cross-country flight hit bad weather so I missed connecting flight; rented a car and drove my ex 7 hours one-way to court; turned around and drove another 200 miles to Reno to retrieve our car and luggage went missing; was driving home in a freak blizzard when the wind ripped off a windshield wiper and I begged the closing WalMart to let me in to buy a replacement. Shortly after I put on the wiper, a skeletal cat ran by at the back edge of the parking lot - I called but it didn't come back so I put out canned food, kibble (always keep a cat  rescue kit in my luggage), told the security guard and also called the SPCA.  My theory is that the cat had a great guardian angel and so many people saw, but didnt see, that poor kitty and finally God decided, "I will send my servant Susan to get help for this cat!" which took acts of Nature and mistakes of humans to put me at that exact spot at that exact time!

     I look forward to discovering what your Mission will be

 

[stewball]

Condolences on losing your precious Pearl!  Your dream may be prophetic, and perhaps there is another cat out there who needs your help. The ancestors taught that dreams between midnight and dawn can be symbolic.  I pray for the kitty in your dream - the conditions and the bugs may be symbolic but the need may be real; you sound exactly like the sort of person who will be receptive when the right time comes.
    It may be that your help is as simple as seeing a cat in need & calling a rescue group; or notifying a security guard, etc.  Once  I was up for 50 hours - my cross-country flight hit bad weather so I missed connecting flight; rented a car and drove my ex 7 hours one-way to court; turned around and drove another 200 miles to Reno to retrieve our car and luggage went missing; was driving home in a freak blizzard when the wind ripped off a windshield wiper and I begged the closing WalMart to let me in to buy a replacement. Shortly after I put on the wiper, a skeletal cat ran by at the back edge of the parking lot - I called but it didn't come back so I put out canned food, kibble (always keep a cat  rescue kit in my luggage), told the security guard and also called the SPCA.  My theory is that the cat had a great guardian angel and so many people saw, but didnt see, that poor kitty and finally God decided, "I will send my servant Susan to get help for this cat!" which took acts of Nature and mistakes of humans to put me at that exact spot at that exact time!
     I look forward to discovering what your Mission will be :rub:

When you say The Ancestors who do you mean?

 

[lilin]

Sorry to resurect this thread, but I want to write, and I don't want to start a new one.

I had another bad dream last night.

This time, I had both Pearl and Pia at the same time. Pia was her young, healthy self. Pearl was as she was in old age -- quite frail.

I had a couple of roommates in the dream -- nobody I recognize from real life. Someone opened the door, Pearl got out, and she vanished.

I found her a day later in a kind of "lost and found" that appeared to be in the office of the complex.

A little while later, someone opened the door, and she got out again. This time I didn't find her, even after what seemed like several days. And I woke up crying.

I don't know why I keep having these dreams. She died over 6 months ago, at this point. And they all have the same theme -- Pearl winding up, in one way or another, in some sort of discarded state. A reject pile in the basement of a shelter. A lost and found, amongst inanimate objects, in a downstairs office.

I wonder if I did not allowing myself to spend enough time dedicated to grieving in real life. I can be kind of internal about this sort of stuff. I wonder if I am feeling guilty about the time she spent at my dad's without me (when I moved out at 18, I was obviously not very stable and didn't have enough money to afford her old age care, so she stayed there for a little while as I worked on getting fully on my feet).

I don't know. But it really sets the tone for my day...

 

[ondine]

Lilin:  Everyone grieves at their own pace.  Six months, six years, six decades - the pain can still come back.  So waste no more time with worrying about "getting over it".

Having said that, you seem to be aware that there's some guilt still aggravating you.  Anytime you have a dream or feeling, look that guilt right in the eye and help yourself understand that if there had been more you could have done, you would have done it.  In your own example, most18 year-olds don't have the means to care for an aging cat.  You left her with your dad, who was able to care for her.

Then figure out something to do, or think, or read so that it doesn't overwhelm you anymore.  Don't LET it set the tone for your day.  Both Pearl and Pia are in a better place, so to keep giving yourself grief about it only hurts you.  And if you are not in good shape, how are you going to move on to helping the next cat who needs you?

 

[lilin]

 
Lilin:  Everyone grieves at their own pace.  Six months, six years, six decades - the pain can still come back.  So waste no more time with worrying about "getting over it".

Having said that, you seem to be aware that there's some guilt still aggravating you.  Anytime you have a dream or feeling, look that guilt right in the eye and help yourself understand that if there had been more you could have done, you would have done it.  In your own example, most18 year-olds don't have the means to care for an aging cat.  You left her with your dad, who was able to care for her.

Then figure out something to do, or think, or read so that it doesn't overwhelm you anymore.  Don't LET it set the tone for your day.  Both Pearl and Pia are in a better place, so to keep giving yourself grief about it only hurts you.  And if you are not in good shape, how are you going to move on to helping the next cat who needs you?

I know I did do the best I could by her. A lot of childhood pets get left with the parents forever. I did take her back as soon as I could, and she spent her last few years with me. And I know that leaving her there for the time I did was better for her health and well-being. And I know that even if I had moved out later, I probably still would have been unstable for a while. Getting adult life under control takes time. So I'm glad I did it younger, rather than older, when she was closer to the end of her life and might have died without me there.

Pia is still with me!  I adopted her shortly after Pearl's death. I hadn't planned to adopt so soon, and it was a chance meeting. I just couldn't look away from her, and I knew I had to take her home, even though I was still grieving hard.

I have been able to bond to her very well, and I love her madly. She's totally different from Pearl, and she's touched me in very different ways.

I guess, most days, I'm ok. A lot of days I don't think about it. Some days, I read through everything I wrote during Pearl's final days and remember. The worst of it seems to come to me in the night.

It's interesting that I had both Pia and Pearl in the dream. They never met in real life, of course. Perhaps I was feeling "disloyal." There's so many things it could be. My grief and my feelings have been very complicated.

In some ways, I do more for Pia than I did for Pearl, because by the time Pearl came to live with me, there were limitations of what she could do. I never got to build her climbing stuff, like I've done for Pia, because Pearl couldn't jump or climb, for example.

Of course, I did a lot for Pearl in terms of trying to accommodate her disabilities and keeping up with her health care. But that "maintenance" lifestyle kind of stuff, I never got to do. I have wondered if, had I taken her back sooner when she was healthier, and did all that stuff then, might she have stayed stronger in her old age?

It's entirely possible the answer is no. She was medically fragile her entire life. She was inbred, and the vet told me she didn't expect her to live much past 12. But she made it to 15. I should be more than happy about that.

But I'll always wonder.

 

[ondine]

Oh my - I'm sorry.  I missed that!  But my answer stands - you did all you could, so you need to see what the dreams may be telling you other than "feel guilty."

I am a firm believer in dreams and their messages but I learned a long time ago that they often give us positive and supportive info, which we sometimes miss because we are feeling so badly.

 

[stewball]

I really feel that these dreams are still part of the grieving process. You're feeling guilty about pearl for absolutely no reason and loving pia so much which is what pearl would have wanted and expected you to do. You did right by pearl leaving her with your dad and I'm sure she was happy with him. You gave her a good life which is why she lived to be 15 instead of going at 12. If she was suffering near the end then she's happier at the Bridge. You must remember that and also Pia has nothing to do with you grieving for Pearl. Stop worrying. You've done everything right. You should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. Remember you're still young. Start to enjoy life. Hugs.

 

[lilin]

I really feel that these dreams are still part of the grieving process. You're feeling guilty about pearl for absolutely no reason and loving pia so much which is what pearl would have wanted and expected you to do. You did right by pearl leaving her with your dad and I'm sure she was happy with him. You gave her a good life which is why she lived to be 15 instead of going at 12. If she was suffering near the end then she's happier at the Bridge. You must remember that and also Pia has nothing to do with you grieving for Pearl. Stop worrying. You've done everything right. You should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. Remember you're still young. Start to enjoy life. Hugs.

Yeah, she did like my dad. And of course, she was familiar with the environment. She did miss me, and she had signs of depression the entire time I was living apart from her. But I know she did like him, and he gave her lots of comfort. And I did come back, like I promised I would.

She was suffering. Unfortunately, I didn't get any warning when her final illness struck. It just came out of nowhere -- literally overnight. She went from fine to dying in 12 hours. I know she is happier at the bridge. Her body just wasn't a good home for her anymore.

I am told often and about many different things that I am too hard on myself. I think I am getting better about that, believe it or not.

Today, I tried to frame the day's events as "Pia had a stressful day." I ran the vacuum today about an hour before I went to work. Bad call! She was too freaked out to eat her breakfast. I had no choice but to bin it and take off (I feed raw -- I can't just leave it). Then I had someone over that she's never met before. Always scary! She's much better with strangers, and she will come out to say hello, but she's not her usual cuddly self until she knows them well.

As soon as my company left, she was ALL over me. "OMG I missed you so much! I had such a freaky day!"

I could feel bad about it. In the earlier days that I took her home, I would have. I might have thought I am not doing enough to make her happy.

Instead, I try to realize that Pia had a stressful day.

 

[stewball]

You are still being to hard on yourself. You sometimes have to think of yourself first and Pia after. She's still going to love you even after the hoover and missing one meal won't harm her. Do you not have dry food to leave down for her? As to a friend. I'm very glad to hear you are not shutting yourself off from the outside after work. There is more to life than Pia. She showed you after how much she loves you so stop worrying so much. You're fine and Pia is fine. Hugs.

 

[lilin]

You are still being to hard on yourself. You sometimes have to think of yourself first and Pia after. She's still going to love you even after the hoover and missing one meal won't harm her. Do you not have dry food to leave down for her? As to a friend. I'm very glad to hear you are not shutting yourself off from the outside after work. There is more to life than Pia. She showed you after how much she loves you so stop worrying so much. You're fine and Pia is fine. Hugs.

I actually don't have any dry! It's been so long since I had any use for it.

Don't worry -- it's not just Pia/cats I'm like this about. I'm like this about a lot of stuff. My work, my friendships, etc. I can just be really hard on myself.

It isn't because I have low self-esteem, believe it or not. It's actually because I think I am capable, and so that's why I set my standards where I do. But I think perhaps I just don't leave myself enough room for human fallibility.

 

[stewball]

Maybe you should get a small packet of dry food just in case it happens again and then you won't worry.
If you set high standards for yourself don't expect everyone else to come up to your high standards. You may give out a feeling to others of snobbyness when you aren't. Like I can give off a feeling that I'm not very nice. I can of course be both.
Anyway you seem to be doing well. Your dad must be very proud of you.

 

[stewball]

Were you on drugs? What work do you do?
Judy

 

[lilin]

Maybe you should get a small packet of dry food just in case it happens again and then you won't worry.
If you set high standards for yourself don't expect everyone else to come up to your high standards. You may give out a feeling to others of snobbyness when you aren't. Like I can give off a feeling that I'm not very nice. I can of course be both.
Anyway you seem to be doing well. Your dad must be very proud of you.

Yeah That just rarely happens for me. I'm usually not in a rush (I work evenings, so I tend to get up several hours before I have to go to work), so I never thought to keep "back up" food around.

My standards for others are a bit more reasonable I think. I used to get that criticism when I was younger, in high school. I think I didn't articulate my expectations very well and people got frustrated with it. But I haven't heard that in several years. In general, I just expect honesty and decency of people.

My pickiness about myself is an on-going thing though. I think it started with me doing it about things that are reasonable -- the career I wanted, my personal ethics (which is tied to my career) -- and then started bleeding into other stuff more than it should.

I think my dad is proud. He worried about me a lot when I was a teen. I kind of went off the beaten path of the expected "life script." But I've made my way, and I think he doesn't worry so much anymore.

Were you on drugs? What work do you do?
Judy

On drugs? No... I don't do anything but have a drink once in a while. Why?

I'm a writer. Presently, I'm an editor who works with the deaf.

 

[stewball]

Because you diverted as a teen and worried your dad. A writer. Wow. What sort of things do you write.
You sound so very together. Good for you. Wish I was. I'm just a useless old lump.

 

[lilin]

Because you diverted as a teen and worried your dad. A writer. Wow. What sort of things do you write.
You sound so very together. Good for you. Wish I was. I'm just a useless old lump.

Well, I never really stopped diverting. The idea of what we're supposed to do in life is so limited, and it just doesn't work for me.

My dad is a bit off-beat himself, but I suppose it's natural for a parent to worry when their child goes off the path most traveled.

Well, I write everything. I'm a creative writer at heart. I hope to someday get to point where I can be a columnist or an international writer of some kind, and write a novel or two someday. But right now I'm mostly doing editing.

I try! I seem to be doing ok. I'm sure you're not useless.

 

[stewball]

Well good for you. There's a better comment in Hebrew but it doesn't translate. Right books. I love books and I'll read all yours.

 

[stewball]

Hi. How are you and Pia? You've gone very quiet. Is everything okay?