Did you have chores as a kid?

[sharky]

I was the only kid of a single mom... Chores : had a list of the Have to dos... Another of the need to be done and the list of darling please do...

Thankfully Grandma had me learn basics of cleaning: vacumming and cleaning bathrooms before age 3 ( back then it was a hoot to feel like I was helping),I set the table at the nursing home she worked at from about 18 months on( yes I had a stool as I was not tall enough plus I did not do it alone till about 3/4 )

Yard work was hired out as Mom would not let me as a kid and turned out my asthma and grass do not go together

Most of my friend s did little in the way of chores but they also had more adults who could do things...

Volunteer jobs started at 14 after about two yrs of being Grandmas caregiver... The area that I lived you had to be 18 for 95% of jobs even in fast food ... I moved mid way thru high school and started working 20 ish hours a week plus activities

Pre teen allowance was 70 cents a week ,then about 13 became 3.50 a week( this was the early 90s and my friends averaged about 20 a week)...

 

[danewillow]

I grew up on a farm so there were always plenty of chores to do. Sheep were my 4-H project so if I wanted a few of my own sheep I had to do the chores. I helped clean, cooked (when my mom was working evenings), mowed the lawn (I was allergic to the grass in our yard and had to wear a dust mask), and painted the house. I baled hay, drove a tractor, trimmed hooves.

Kids don't seem to have to do any work at all. I never see them outside playing either. Some of these kids are now my coworkers. They are terrible employees too.

 

[kara_leigh]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

I understand what you're saying, and agree that you shouldn't make him do everything. But let me compare my DH and his brother for you.

DH: Is the elder brother of the two. He had more responsibilities, chores, and in general his parents did and still do expect far more from him. He's occasionally needed a bit of help from his parents, especially his dad (his dad can fix a lot of things, very handy person - skills that my DH is slowly learning). Now, don't misunderstand, they spoil him quite a bit and I know he's their favorite. DH has been working since he was around 13. He had some bad habits that the cats and I have corrected (not picking up after himself).

Then there's his brother: The brother is younger by 3 years. He was spoiled as a child and given few chores and even less responsibilities. No punishment whatsoever. As a result he didn't grow up to be a very responsible person. His parents expect less out of him because he's never really proven himself otherwise. (They do truly love him, though, and he's really not a bad guy)
He's had a DUI, can't manage to balance a checking account and keep up with funds - constantly overdraws, and can't be counted on to pay bills on time or even get back to his parents on matters which would hurt them financially. (his dad cosigned for his car)
This is why my BIL lives with us. He can't afford rent anywhere else and isn't very responsible. We make sure he eats here. And I swear I'm doing my best to teach him better habits such as cleaning up after himself and how to cook. He has a couple chores. His parents never made him do this.

A bit opposite, and yes personality plays a big part, too. But as others have probably noticed this in individuals around them.

I just don't like the assumption that just b/c I don't saddle my child with a bunch of chores means that he will grow up to be a lazy, good for nothing adult. We are very strict parents, and expect a lot from our son...but chores just happens to not be one of them. You don't have to do a million chores in order to grow up and be a well participating and responsible member of society. I did a million chores growing up and it probably had the opposite affect on me.

 

[rockcat]

I'm shocked at the number of people who didn't have to do chores. Of course we had chores. We did get an allowance though. 50 cents a week! We were happy to have it too. It did eventually get raised to a dollar a week and there is no doubt in my mind that it was hard on my Mom to spare it. She believed in responsibility, including managing money, even the small amount she could afford to give us.

What I hated doing the most was laundry. We lived on the third floor and had a washer and a clothesline - that went out the third floor window. I learned quickly to hang out my jeans last to avoid having to fold all the laundry if I wanted my jeans in a hurry!

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I'm hoping/planning to take the "all things in moderation" approach to raising my own kids. So that goes for everything from food to chores to getting a paying job. I want her to enjoy her childhood. I have friends (sisters) who were helping pay the bills at age 14. I think that is unfair. How much does a 14 year old make from babysitting ya know? And I can't say I envy their relationship with their mother today. To be fair; all the kids in the family turned out to be good, honest, hard working adults that I am proud to know.....I just don't agree with saddling my kids with so much responsibility that they miss out on some things. I want my kid to enjoy being a kid/teen while she can.

 

[ldg]

But how does having to take out the garbage, help do dishes, help with yard work - stuff like that - interfere with enjoying being a kid? I mean - we're not talking indentured servitude here. Don't those responsibilities simply add dimenstion to what it means to be a part of the family?

You do the dishes after dinner - then you go out and play, and come in and do your homework. Or on Saturday - you help with the yard, then you go out and play or do whatever it is that kids do these days. I don't understand the issue, quite frankly.

 

[momofmany]

Even with all the chores that I did as a child, I remember those fun times when the entire family would do things together. Winter brought ice skating and sledding. Summer meant trips across the country camping. Fall was bomb fires (after raking the leaves) with roasted marshmallows. Spring was roller skating and bike riding. Sunday afternoons were day trips to the zoo, forest preserves, beach, sand dunes, etc.

I think our family found the time to do fun things together because every chipped in with chores. We had a lot of fun growing up.

 

[natalie_ca]

Tons of chores!

Keep my room clean
Clean the bathroom on the main floor
Dishes
Vacuum the living room
Mow the lawn
Shovel the snow
Wash the cars

I had an older brother but he was always too busy with his social life to help out around the house, so all of his chores fell onto me to do.

From 16 to 18 after my parents died and I lived with my brother and his wife and kids. Things were added to that list.

Baby sitting
Grocery Shopping
Cooking
All of the cleaning
Laundry for 3 adults and 3 kids
Shuttling kids around by bus from school/home, grocery shopping/errands etc.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Originally Posted by LDG

But how does having to take out the garbage, help do dishes, help with yard work - stuff like that - interfere with enjoying being a kid? I mean - we're not talking indentured servitude here. Don't those responsibilities simply add dimenstion to what it means to be a part of the family?

You do the dishes after dinner - then you go out and play, and come in and do your homework. Or on Saturday - you help with the yard, then you go out and play or do whatever it is that kids do these days. I don't understand the issue, quite frankly.

My friends worked all the time. Before we were in college we pretty much only saw each other at school. They worked jobs 5 days a week. There were no sleepovers because they had to work. No going to the movies because if they didn't have to work they were doing chores at home or studying. (My friend struggled with some subjects and was always exhausted.) Aren't those the 'normal' things you do with your friends as a teenager? Moderation would have helped them all be happier. My friend still talks like she missed out on some stuff. None of them regret helping...helping eachother, as in siblings helping siblings. But they regret loosing their childhood so fast.

Our senior year another friend and my mother bought my one friend a prom dress. Her parents were going to make her wear the same one she'd worn the year before. All that working she was doing went to pay for the car they bought her, her clothing and the family bills. The parents both had decent jobs. I still don't get where it all went (and no, there was not any drug/alcohol use). The youngest sister still loves at home and pretty much seems under thier control at 22, almost 23. They even GROUNDED her at age 20!! The house is in shambles since all but the youngest have left. My friend moved away years ago and has no plans on coming back.

It's hard to explain their family dynamics and all that goes into it. After nearly 13 years of friendship all I can do sometimes is shake my head. I know some good came out of it; but I don't think they had to go THAT far with it. And I'm not sure I'd call the parents lazy at the time. I know their mother was taking classes and working full time. But I do think they put too much adult responsiblity on thier kids. (Like the helping pay bills at age 14. 18 fine; 14 no.) But kids need to be kids while they can. I know all kids mess up some and make bad choices; but I know for a fact some of their choices were made to escape home.

 

[momofmany]

I find this discussion very interesting. It seems as society advances, the age to keep kids as kids increases. I think back on history when young children had as much responsibilities as their parents to keep the family going. I think back at my mom working at age 9 to help feed her family. I had my first job around 8 years old. I paid rent as a teenager.

Then fast forward to today, where my siblings with kids are supporting their children well into their 20's, so that their kids can remain kids. I don't know a single person when I was growing up that had these expectations. I'm curious how the values in society have changed so much in such a short time to push out the age that kids can remain kids. I know it's not universal, but somewhat common to see this attitude.

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

But I do think they put too much adult responsiblity on thier kids. (Like the helping pay bills at age 14. 18 fine; 14 no.) But kids need to be kids while they can. I know all kids mess up some and make bad choices; but I know for a fact some of their choices were made to escape home.

Some kids don't have any choice. I was self supporting since I was 14 years old (closer to 13 than 14).

My parents separated when I was 9. I lived with my mother who was physically abusive and struck first and asked questions later. Plus she was very sick and by the time I was 14 she spent weeks and months in the hospital which left me living alone.

We were on welfare because my mom was too sick to work. Not sure how it is now, but back then when my mom was in the hospital, her share of the welfare was cut off, which left 1/2 the amount of money to pay the rent and buy food. So I had to babysit and my mom would crochet sweaters that I would sell to make up the short fall for the rent, or I would have been out on the street.

When she was home, I was her homecare worker because back then there was no such thing as homecare. I was it. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, bathed her, did her medical treatments which involved suctioning out her lungs, until the next time she was admitted to hospital.

She died 2 weeks before I turned 16 at which point I went to live with my brother. If you've read Cinderella, I've lived that story. I was built in maid and babysitter and I paid room and board. $150.00 per month. That was a lot of money to pay when I was going to school and working part time earning $1.85 per hour. Not only did I have to pay room and board, but I had to buy my own clothing, school supplies, grooming supplies, bus fare, dental, glasses, prescriptions and put gas in the van every time I wanted to use it. And every time I wanted to use it it was on empty.

So I worked more, studied a whole lot less. However, the more I earned, the more they wanted. I was always being hit up for loans for utilities. The money was never paid back. So that meant I had to work even more to make up the short fall. I needed glasses for 3 years before I moved out. I couldn't afford to buy any so I borrowed my friends.

Yes, I made some bad mistakes when I turned of age to make my own decisions. I moved out with the first guy that offered me a chance to get away from a life that I absolutely hated. It was the first in a long line of mistakes. However, they were mistakes that I wouldn't change if I could. Each one made me a bit more wise, and brought me to this point in my life.

I was robbed of my childhood through circumstances that had nothing to do with me. From the age of 9 years old I can't remember a single fun childhood memory because of all the responsibilities that I had.

So when I hear some kid complaining about having to take out the garbage or vacuum the living room, or rake the leaves, I want to smack them upside the head. They wouldn't have lasted a day with all of the responsibilities that I had when I as in grade school.

 

[ldg]

But I'm not talking about extreme or abusive situations. I'm talking about what I would consider to be "normal" childhood chores and family responsibilities that make a kid a functioning member of the family with expectations that go beyond just keeping their rooms clean - but not doing the parents' job.

I feel very badly for anyone who had to grow up in such extreme circumstances of hardship.

But helping around the house and in the yard don't seem to me like things that would impede a kid being a kid, and certainly didn't stop me from sleep overs or most after-school activities. And I worked too - as far back as I can remember. Odd jobs, babysitting... and at 14 I got an afterschool job. As a sophmore in HS, I opted for the option where all your classes are condensed, no lunch or free periods - so school ended early and I could work a "full time" part time job in the afternoons (very cool job, actually, I was a receptionist for Encyclopedia Brittanica). And I STILL managed to go to movies, the beach, hang out with friends, sleep over at friends, get my homework done, get pretty good grades, do stuff around the house, and have a boyfriend.

And MuchNnoodles - in the example you give, she was paying for a car! A car was so beyond anything I could ever expect. I had to ride my bike to work (10 miles away) or take the bus. And as to your friend being grounded at 20... I was raised with the expectation that once high school was done, I had to support myself. If I lived at home, I would have to pay rent AND live by their rules. So I'm not exactly shocked at the concept of someone being grounded who lives at home. If you aren't acting like an adult - why be treated like one?

 

[ldg]

Originally Posted by Momofmany

I find this discussion very interesting. It seems as society advances, the age to keep kids as kids increases. I think back on history when young children had as much responsibilities as their parents to keep the family going. I think back at my mom working at age 9 to help feed her family. I had my first job around 8 years old. I paid rent as a teenager.

Then fast forward to today, where my siblings with kids are supporting their children well into their 20's, so that their kids can remain kids. I don't know a single person when I was growing up that had these expectations. I'm curious how the values in society have changed so much in such a short time to push out the age that kids can remain kids. I know it's not universal, but somewhat common to see this attitude.

I too, find all of this very interesting. It's normal for each generation to want better for the next. But I'm wondering when helping out around the house became part of what should be left behind....

 

[yosemite]

Originally Posted by LDG

But I'm not talking about extreme or abusive situations. I'm talking about what I would consider to be "normal" childhood chores and family responsibilities that make a kid a functioning member of the family with expectations that go beyond just keeping their rooms clean - but not doing the parents' job.

I feel very badly for anyone who had to grow up in such extreme circumstances of hardship.

But helping around the house and in the yard don't seem to me like things that would impede a kid being a kid, and certainly didn't stop me from sleep overs or most after-school activities. And I worked too - as far back as I can remember. Odd jobs, babysitting... and at 14 I got an afterschool job. As a sophmore in HS, I opted for the option where all your classes are condensed, no lunch or free periods - so school ended early and I could work a "full time" part time job in the afternoons (very cool job, actually, I was a receptionist for Encyclopedia Brittanica). And I STILL managed to go to movies, the beach, hang out with friends, sleep over at friends, get my homework done, get pretty good grades, do stuff around the house, and have a boyfriend.

And MuchNnoodles - in the example you give, she was paying for a car! A car was so beyond anything I could ever expect. I had to ride my bike to work (10 miles away) or take the bus. And as to your friend being grounded at 20... I was raised with the expectation that once high school was done, I had to support myself. If I lived at home, I would have to pay rent AND live by their rules. So I'm not exactly shocked at the concept of someone being grounded who lives at home. If you aren't acting like an adult - why be treated like one?

I agree Laurie. Doing chores IMO is part of being one of a family where everyone contributes to the running of the household. I don't see it as a hardship and not allowing children to be children. We had our play times, but there were animals to feed, and stalls to muck out. My dad worked a full time job outside the farm so we put hay in, worked the garden and even split wood for winter. I can't imagine allowing a 12 year old these days to even have an axe but we were raised to be responsible and as anyone who ever lived on a farm there is always danger with heavy machinery so we were taught respect for such things.

My parents told us they would support us as long as we went to school. As soon as we quit school we were expected to get a job and if we lived at home we had to pay room and board. We also had to abide by the rules of my parents. If we lived under their roof, we obeyed their rules regardless of how old we were.

Some parents nowadays are still supporting 30+ year old children. That's just not right! I do believe it is a "responsibility" issue and that those children were not expected to accept responsibility.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I am 110% for kids having chores. But in my opinion if you are a minor by law; you shouldn't be expecting your kids to take on adult size bills or jobs! Like my friend with the car...they "bought" it for her (it was in their name and they helped with the down-payment); but expected her to make the payments. Fine except that she didn't ask for that car. They could have gotten her an affordable car. Not one that took over $200 a month in payments, plus the insurance and gas and everything else they expected her to pay for. They could have helped her save for a car. But her having a car meant she could take the younger ones where they needed to go. And it could be taken away at any moment deemed necessary.

My parent's got me a car...it cost them $100 and mostly it was because I had to get a ride to school every morning for chorus and I took my step-brother to work every day. I also picked him up on occasion and helped with my step-sister needing rides. It wasn't purchased for joyriding. But I did get to use it for fun stuff too. What is that saying about "all work and no play?" I can't remember the whole thing but my Gram used to say that all the time. My parent's were not rich. Altogether there were 5 of us kids and I am the oldest. Even when it was just 3 of us living there there was child support to be paid for the other 2. It might have helped them out if I had been giving them a little money back in high school. But they always said my school work was priority so I could get into college and go as far as I wanted. I was president of our school Latin club and involved in several other clubs as well. Part of teaching me responsibility was helping me honor my commitments. When I got a job my junior year of school it did start to mess up my academic work; they made me quit. My step-siblings all worked unless it interfeared with school. They made sacrifices elsewhere and it did not go unnoticed by me!

My parents increased my chores and responsibilities as I got older. Once I turned 18 I was paying for my insurance, phone, clothing, most of my college expenses and things like that. I started doing my own laundry in junior high. Before that I helped fold. I didn't have a kid so she could be my maid. Tressa will start to learn housekeeping and things young; as she grows so will her chores till she's ready to be independent and is out of school. (High school, not college.) My mother taught me by her example and by giving me responsibilities as I grew. Just as her parents have done. I never felt like they asked too much. To me that seems fair. I was also able to give back to them in other ways; like even after I got married I'd help out if one of the younger ones needed a ride home from school and they asked. I'd do special things for them; buy stuff they needed but wouldn't get. Get things for the cats/dogs so they didn't have to.

As I got older and did well with my responsibilities my freedoms grew as well; but I also lived under their rules which were simple by the time I hit college age. Like calling if I was going to be out past 11. When I hurt my back and couldn't pay my insurance bill (I was on my parent's insurance so I paid them directly) because of having to quit my job my Mom gave me more to do so I could "earn" that money another way. I proofread and typed her reports for work! LOL! (And some other office type stuff since she worked out of the house.) Turns out that helped me land my first job after college!

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Some kids don't have any choice. I was self supporting since I was 14 years old (closer to 13 than 14).

I was robbed of my childhood through circumstances that had nothing to do with me. From the age of 9 years old I can't remember a single fun childhood memory because of all the responsibilities that I had.

So when I hear some kid complaining about having to take out the garbage or vacuum the living room, or rake the leaves, I want to smack them upside the head. They wouldn't have lasted a day with all of the responsibilities that I had when I as in grade school.

See your story is one of the reasons I think the way I do. It is not fair that you had to go through that.

I know the hard stuff is sometimes what makes us the good people that we are; but I wouldn't purposely put my child through some of the crappy stuff I've been through just to build her character. I don't believe Tressa needs to experience the hard things I've gone through to help her become a strong, confidant and responsible adult. I would never want her to experience that kind of pain.

Originally Posted by LDG

But I'm not talking about extreme or abusive situations. I'm talking about what I would consider to be "normal" childhood chores and family responsibilities that make a kid a functioning member of the family with expectations that go beyond just keeping their rooms clean - but not doing the parents' job.

I feel very badly for anyone who had to grow up in such extreme circumstances of hardship.

But helping around the house and in the yard don't seem to me like things that would impede a kid being a kid, and certainly didn't stop me from sleep overs or most after-school activities. And I worked too - as far back as I can remember. Odd jobs, babysitting... and at 14 I got an afterschool job. As a sophmore in HS, I opted for the option where all your classes are condensed, no lunch or free periods - so school ended early and I could work a "full time" part time job in the afternoons (very cool job, actually, I was a receptionist for Encyclopedia Brittanica). And I STILL managed to go to movies, the beach, hang out with friends, sleep over at friends, get my homework done, get pretty good grades, do stuff around the house, and have a boyfriend.

And MuchNnoodles - in the example you give, she was paying for a car! A car was so beyond anything I could ever expect. I had to ride my bike to work (10 miles away) or take the bus. And as to your friend being grounded at 20... I was raised with the expectation that once high school was done, I had to support myself. If I lived at home, I would have to pay rent AND live by their rules. So I'm not exactly shocked at the concept of someone being grounded who lives at home. If you aren't acting like an adult - why be treated like one?

I think if you knew the family you might understand what I mean. It's hard to explain. I know she didn't do anything big (if she had I would have remembered it. Part of her punishment was not being able to house-sit for me that weekend so last minute I had to find someone else to take care of Mooch and Noodles!). It was probably looking at her mother wrong. I'd be very surprised if it was even for rolling her eyes or anything obvious like that. That is what the mother can be like. I've even gotten in trouble with the mother once! Long story; short of it is that she misunderstood me over the phone. But really; after all these years I know it's more about control than anything.

They fall under the extreme category. Helping out is not what went on in that house back then. It would take a novel to explain all that goes into it there. (And see above about the car thing.)

But a question; if the daughter is paying a large portion of the bills and doing at least (probably more) than her share of things around there, don't you think she deserves to be treated more like an adult? It's not like have a party or bring alcohol in the home (now that she is over 21). If anyone is a "good kid," she is! Her older siblings have been trying to convince her to move out and get her own place for years. What kinds of rules do you think she should be living under? What do you consider fair for them to ask of her?

 

[g_wayne]

Daily chores...

Cook my grandmother breakfast after setting out and making sure she took the 30+ different medications she took daily plus giving her the morning insulin injection.

Get my brother up and make sure he had food and got dressed for school because my older sister was already at school.

Do dishes and bring the paper in before heading off for the 1 mile walk to school.

After school it was a 1 mile walk back to make sure meds were taken and then it was time to start cooking dinner. While dinner was cooking there was usually some odd thing that needed done like walking down to the store to pick up milk, butter, cigarettes for my grandmother, etc.

Get at least 1 load of laundry in the washer before sitting down to eat after setting the table and injecting more insulin into granny. Our meals ALWAYS were home made with no microwaving or instant potatos. I was cooking roast and cleaning whole chickens by 10 years old.

After dinner was dishes, taking out the trash, more laundry, pick up the living room, bedrooms, and dump out and scrub ash trays. After that was done it was time to check on grandma to make sure she got her pills and then it was time for a bath (1 tub of water and my older sister, my younger brother, and I would all share the same water). The person 3rd in line was screwed.

The weekly stuff was more like this...

Clean house from top to bottom.
Hand scrub floors (mops do not get the corners clean according to my grandmother).
Dust everything.
Vacuum.
Take trash to the curb.
Do all the laundry.
scrub the bathroom.
Shovel snow.
Mow the yard.
Go grocery shopping at least 4 times per week which involves a 2 mile round trip that we had to walk.
One trip to the drug store which was 5 miles round trip.


We would get grounded for missing an ash tray, get woken up at 3AM and told to wash and dry ever dish in the kitchen by hand (no dishwasher) and still go to school. I was punched in the mouth once for forgetting to cover the butter after dinner. I had toys thrown away for being out of place in my room.


It is because of the jacked childhood I had that I swore my children would learn what hard work was but I was not going to have a slave. Greyson gets more responsibility added every year but I do not want him to be an OCD clean freak like me and not be able to relax because of a constant fear of having a mess that will get you hit. He is a child and has child like chores. As he matures into a young man his chores will mirror that change and through this adding to his work load gradually he is learning how to manage his time and the work load to be done.

 

[ldg]

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

I am 110% for kids having chores. But in my opinion if you are a minor by law; you shouldn't be expecting your kids to take on adult size bills or jobs! Like my friend with the car...they "bought" it for her (it was in their name and they helped with the down-payment); but expected her to make the payments. Fine except that she didn't ask for that car. They could have gotten her an affordable car. Not one that took over $200 a month in payments, plus the insurance and gas and everything else they expected her to pay for. They could have helped her save for a car. But her having a car meant she could take the younger ones where they needed to go. And it could be taken away at any moment deemed necessary.

But this is a situation I would consider extreme. If she wanted the car and the responsibility, that would be different.

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

My parents increased my chores and responsibilities as I got older. Once I turned 18 I was paying for my insurance, phone, clothing, most of my college expenses and things like that. I started doing my own laundry in junior high. Before that I helped fold. I didn't have a kid so she could be my maid. Tressa will start to learn housekeeping and things young; as she grows so will her chores till she's ready to be independent and is out of school. (High school, not college.) My mother taught me by her example and by giving me responsibilities as I grew. Just as her parents have done. I never felt like they asked too much. To me that seems fair. I was also able to give back to them in other ways; like even after I got married I'd help out if one of the younger ones needed a ride home from school and they asked. I'd do special things for them; buy stuff they needed but wouldn't get. Get things for the cats/dogs so they didn't have to.

As I got older and did well with my responsibilities my freedoms grew as well; but I also lived under their rules which were simple by the time I hit college age. Like calling if I was going to be out past 11. When I hurt my back and couldn't pay my insurance bill (I was on my parent's insurance so I paid them directly) because of having to quit my job my Mom gave me more to do so I could "earn" that money another way. I proofread and typed her reports for work! LOL! (And some other office type stuff since she worked out of the house.) Turns out that helped me land my first job after college!

I doesn't sound like you're complaining about this - and to me it all seems quite reasonable - and that's what I've been asking about. Not the extremes or the abusive situations.

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

See your story is one of the reasons I think the way I do. It is not fair that you had to go through that.

I know the hard stuff is sometimes what makes us the good people that we are; but I wouldn't purposely put my child through some of the crappy stuff I've been through just to build her character. I don't believe Tressa needs to experience the hard things I've gone through to help her become a strong, confidant and responsible adult. I would never want her to experience that kind of pain.

I'm confused now - because of this, "My mother taught me by her example and by giving me responsibilities as I grew. Just as her parents have done. I never felt like they asked too much. To me that seems fair. "

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

I think if you knew the family you might understand what I mean. <snip>

But I'm not saying the parents were right. In fact, I have - several times now - specifically said I'm not referring to the extreme or abusive cases.

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

But a question; if the daughter is paying a large portion of the bills and doing at least (probably more) than her share of things around there, don't you think she deserves to be treated more like an adult? It's not like have a party or bring alcohol in the home (now that she is over 21). If anyone is a "good kid," she is! Her older siblings have been trying to convince her to move out and get her own place for years. What kinds of rules do you think she should be living under? What do you consider fair for them to ask of her?

I don't know the family, I don't know the situation, and as you point out, it's complicated and hard to explain. So I don't think I'm in any position to pass judgment. It seems like a very screwed up situation.

I think it's great when kids grow up - and see their parents as people, and parents see their kids as adults. Some families manage this. Others don't. I think it was within my parents' right that once I'd technically become and adult, I pay my share of the bills and live under their rules if I live under their roof. It's not ideal. For me, it was a big incentive to be out on my own (which is what it was intended to be), and I did just that.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Originally Posted by LDG

I'm confused now - because of this, "My mother taught me by her example and by giving me responsibilities as I grew. Just as her parents have done. I never felt like they asked too much. To me that seems fair. "

Sorry; should have stated that the crappy stuff I went through had nothing to do with chores or things like that. Basically when my Mom and Step-dad married it was very quick and the process of blending the family took years!! I know it all made me stronger and brought tons of good things into my life; but I'd still not want Tressa to experience it.

I think it's great when kids grow up - and see their parents as people, and parents see their kids as adults. Some families manage this. Others don't. I think it was within my parents' right that once I'd technically become and adult, I pay my share of the bills and live under their rules if I live under their roof. It's not ideal. For me, it was a big incentive to be out on my own (which is what it was intended to be), and I did just that.

I agree with you. I guess what I'm saying is that if she is acting as an adult she should be given a little more leniency from Mom. I think that is the biggest reason why her siblings have encouraged her to leave. They depend on her and it seems as if she isn't "spreading her wings" and making a life for herself. Now if this is how she wants to live; then fine.

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

When I was a kid, my grandmother would send me to the store with eggs to trade them for whatever she needed from the store. She didn't trust my sisters with the eggs.