Dealing With My Parents And All Of Their "assets" (and Quirks!)

[les26]

The thought crossed my mind that if you refrain from saying anything further about this to them, wait, and I'm guessing your mom might surprise you. Without you talking about it all the time, she may decide, on her own, to do something.
Or if you haven't, ask her, "why do you say yes you want to, and then don't?"

This has been going on for YEARS, there is a lot more time that it isn't talked about then it is, I have asked her many times why she doesn't do something about it and it is always an excuse....she says she is fighting with my father about it because both their names are on some papers, now it is this car in the garage, or a million other reasons. I have said my thing several times about this especially about 6 years ago, then I wait to see what they do which is nothing except talk about it here and there and when she does talk about it I offer help and try to get things going yet it goes nowhere, it is an endless cycle, they are getting older, both had health scares last year so it would make sense for them to do SOMETHING NOW, anything would be a help, she keeps saying she wants to sell the row homes and the garages, I tell her that would be a great start, you would feel so much better just doing that, if she doesn't want to sell them then stop saying you want to and I try to help and it goes nowhere and I get upset. So once again, I will sit and not do anything, I did that about a year ago and watched and waited, yet we have not moved 1 inch since then. I guess I just have to resolve myself that this is how they are, this is how they want to be DESPITE my mom saying she wants to sell this and move and just watch nothing get done, and when the time comes I will have to take on this massive undertaking of dealing with all that it involves.

 

[Furballsmom]

You're right, and I'm with you on this. It stinks, really.

 

[Boris Diamond]

It's frustrating to watch someone throw money away. A friend recently tried to get his mom declared incompetent. What was happening to his 92 year old mom was an ugly situation and I won't get into the details here. In the hearing she seemed fairly sharp, but after careful questioning, the clerk decided to have her affairs turned over to her son and sister, declaring her incompetent. That was in May. She appealed and it is still going on. There may be a settlement that involves a situation less than having her declared incompetent and turns her finances over to the son and sister. Something like that is easier to get done and is not so hurtful to the person as having her declared incompetent.

I know her fairly well. I have known her for 50 years and I deliver food for the feral she is trying to get into her house. I know that this situation has led to some very hurt feelings from her. She feels very resentful toward her sister and son. And yes, I told her in no uncertain terms what I think of the situation. She told me that if I did not accept what she was doing that it would effect our relationship. I told her that she needed protecting and that I would not back down from this.

As this story and 1CatOverTheLine 's story above illustrate, an effort to have someone declared mentally incompetent can turn out badly and lead to very hurt feelings. Though certainly it needs to be done in some situations.

Is there something you can do short of an incompetence declaration? The decision about granting control of just finances mentioned above might work. Or can you just tell them that since you both have agreed that what they are doing is crazy that you want to step in and help them? Be firm but calm. You might try setting up an appointment with a real estate agent and making sure they get there by taking them. At this point, I suspect that if anything gets done you will have to be the prime mover.

You should definitely talk to an attorney. One with experience with this sort of situation could give you some advice about what people in similar situations have done.

It is a difficult situation and I don't envy you the choices you will need to make. All my best to you.

 

[Mother Dragon]

Have you considered that this might be a form of hoarding?

When my mother was in nursing home, the residents all hoarded food. The staff had to "shake down" the rooms frequently to get rid of moldy sandwiches, fruit, sugar packets, etc. We finally realized that these people grew up during the Great Depression, when there frequently wasn't enough food. That memory stuck with them and so although there was plenty of food available, they still subconsciously feared there might not be food later.

Perhaps your parents have a fear of not having a home. It's not rational, but it may be something they just cannot control.

I know this has been going on for a long time, but sometimes things become just too daunting and they may be avoiding it because they feel they can't cope. And pride keeps them from letting you take care of things.

One of the scariest parts of aging is losing control of your life. First you can't drive. Then walking gets hard, and with everything someone takes over, you feel more and more helpless. And so you assert control of whatever you CAN control. Perhaps you get picky about food, or the way things are arranged or what's playing on the TV. If you can control even some of it, you feel less helpless.

I know this sounds preachy, but you're too young to walk in your parents' shoes. When you get much older, you're going to see the world much differently.

In the mean time, some words of wisdom from someone who's now sadder but wiser.

Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's all small stuff.

 

[les26]

Have you considered that this might be a form of hoarding?

When my mother was in nursing home, the residents all hoarded food. The staff had to "shake down" the rooms frequently to get rid of moldy sandwiches, fruit, sugar packets, etc. We finally realized that these people grew up during the Great Depression, when there frequently wasn't enough food. That memory stuck with them and so although there was plenty of food available, they still subconsciously feared there might not be food later.

Perhaps your parents have a fear of not having a home. It's not rational, but it may be something they just cannot control.

I know this has been going on for a long time, but sometimes things become just too daunting and they may be avoiding it because they feel they can't cope. And pride keeps them from letting you take care of things.

One of the scariest parts of aging is losing control of your life. First you can't drive. Then walking gets hard, and with everything someone takes over, you feel more and more helpless. And so you assert control of whatever you CAN control. Perhaps you get picky about food, or the way things are arranged or what's playing on the TV. If you can control even some of it, you feel less helpless.

I know this sounds preachy, but you're too young to walk in your parents' shoes. When you get much older, you're going to see the world much differently.

In the mean time, some words of wisdom from someone who's now sadder but wiser.

Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's all small stuff.

Yes this could very well be a factor, they have lots of stuff jammed into the house where they live now, books, other things and we at times do say it looks like they are hoarders! And part of it is that my father was the 3rd child and for some reason I was told his parents didn't help him with schooling or buy him much like they did the older ones; I still recall my mom telling me of a time many years ago when he was on the phone talking to his brother and cursing and saying "and they wouldn't even but me a @#*&^%$$$ baseball glove!", so in a way his buying things over the years albeit not doing anything with them could have been his way of saying "I don't need you, I can buy what I want now" which I can understand, but it still needs to be addressed and they have to realize they aren't going to use these things, but as long as they can afford to just let these things sit they will, cars, homes, everything.

You made some great points, and you are right, I don't know why they are doing this because I'm not them. But it just is so frustrating when my mom complains to me about it so I try to help yet it goes nowhere, it's almost as Deb tells me "she is probably just telling you what she thinks you want to hear". But if she has no intentions on doing anything then I wish she would not talk like she does, that only makes me feel like I should help but she doesn't want me too?

It just goes round and round and round......

 

[micknsnicks2mom]

i'm not sure this would be something that could help you and/or your parent's situation, but have you considered asking your parents to allow you to maintain and 'improve' the properties and assets (like your dad's cars) they own, on their behalf? you would provide the time and energy on these projects, while your parents would finance them (since these are their assets). i mean, you could organize and have done the things they've been thinking/talking about doing with their 'assets'. i think that if both you and your mom and dad were in agreement on this, they might be able to...realize some of their dreams, while you'd be able to raise the value of their assets for them (and likely relieve some of the...stress you're feeling) -- maybe a good thing for everyone. you might start by maintaining and improving just one asset (possibly the 1973 Mercury Comet), and move on from there -- allowing your parents to feel the joy, the happiness of the experience, and to build...good will between you all in this and future efforts of this type.

you might approach your parents with, 'will you allow me to help you in what you'd like to do with_______ (asset)?'

let your parents keep control of their lives and assets for as long as they're able to, but be there with them, to help them. and as they become comfortable and more comfortable with you assisting/helping them, this might very well help to prepare them for a time when they really do need for you to handle things for them.

 

[1CatOverTheLine]

Don't sweat the small stuff.
It's all small stuff.

There's the truth.
.

 

[les26]

i'm not sure this would be something that could help you and/or your parent's situation, but have you considered asking your parents to allow you to maintain and 'improve' the properties and assets (like your dad's cars) they own, on their behalf? you would provide the time and energy on these projects, while your parents would finance them (since these are their assets). i mean, you could organize and have done the things they've been thinking/talking about doing with their 'assets'. i think that if both you and your mom and dad were in agreement on this, they might be able to...realize some of their dreams, while you'd be able to raise the value of their assets for them (and likely relieve some of the...stress you're feeling) -- maybe a good thing for everyone. you might start by maintaining and improving just one asset (possibly the 1973 Mercury Comet), and move on from there -- allowing your parents to feel the joy, the happiness of the experience, and to build...good will between you all in this and future efforts of this type.

you might approach your parents with, 'will you allow me to help you in what you'd like to do with_______ (asset)?'

let your parents keep control of their lives and assets for as long as they're able to, but be there with them, to help them. and as they become comfortable and more comfortable with you assisting/helping them, this might very well help to prepare them for a time when they really do need for you to handle things for them.

Oh yes, this is a very good idea, but they wouldn't go for it, and I know this because my mom offered many times to my dad to pay someone to fix all these cars up and his answer was "he was going to do it" and of course nothing ever got done on them and won't now, not at this stage of the game. And the homes, they should just be sold as is and let someone either fix them up and flip them or just live in them; they don't want to pay any money to fix any of them up and try to sell them, plus I really don't think that they DO want to sell them, they just keep hoarding them as we said a few posts ago.

After church this morning Deb & I drove up to see their "mansion" that they paid cash for about 8 years ago; the weeds were about 2.5 feet tall all over the yard, you could barely see parts of this beautiful home, it was pathetic. The neighbor had used to run over some of it with his riding mower but my mom kept saying she was going to hire a company to cut it, God knows what she told this neighbor but obviously she never did that. They are lucky that no one reports them for it, lucky the only neighbor that can see it is a good distance away, lucky there are trees between the properties. It was horrible, they have an inground pool and the home is gorgeous, and it is on top of a hill and it is just so quiet and peaceful, it is like a resort and everyday could feel like a vacation day but it just sits there, empty, depreciating a bit more each year, it is sickening, but what do I do? Force them to move up there? Force them to keep the grass cut even if they don't live there? Force them to sell it if they aren't going to move there? This is my problem, times 5.

Thank you for your ideas, they would work if we were dealing with people who are in touch with this world, but obviously they aren't, and every thing I would want to do would be met with a negative response, I am 100% certain of that. Maybe I should have them sell things to me for $1, then have me sell them and split the money with them? They wouldn't go for that either I'm sure....