conflicted...could use advice?

[lauren_miller]

I am so sorry you are going through all that family drama. I understand completely. My husband and I eloped because of his crazy family. His grandma Mary was not invited because she's a controlling psycho-path and she had a huge tantrum because she wasn't invited and she called everyone in the family and told them lies about us. So we eloped, didn't even have a ceremony. My friend is an ordained minister and she just signed our wedding license for us and turned it in.

I don't have any wedding pictures and we never had a reception because of the family stuff. I don't regret it or feel bad about it. It was very simple just the way we wanted it, "sign here. Okay you're done."

I think you should just go to your brother's ceremony and skip the reception. I also think you should stay away from the crazies in your family and do get some counseling. If you're depressed all the time that is definitely not normal and you could benefit from talking to a professional about it. The professional may be able to prescribe something to help you feel better.

 

[laureen227]

i'm sorry for your pain

but have little advice to give, except about forgiveness... not sure of your belief system, but our pastor preached on forgiveness this past spring, & this quote is similar in tone/meaning to what he said:

Forgiveness is not a cruel demand that a sadistic God imposes on the hurting. It is the painful but healing door to freedom. It is surgery on the heart that extracts the poison of bitterness so we can move forward into a healthy life

 

[3catsn1dog]

Im so sorry for you having to go thru all of this. Your thread hits close to home for me. My mom and BF cant stand each other (they do fake it around me but manage to insult each other at the same time.)

On the note of the finances and you and your DH arguing, trust me, when your finances start working themselves out so will your relationship. I went thru this just 3 months ago, BF and I fought so horribly bad because he would instigate stupid little fights which both of us would blow out of proportion. I never realized it till he started working but he was acting like a tool because he was so super stressed about money, bill, and not being able to provide for his family. I really think that men take it a million times harder when it comes to financial trouble than women do, its like the "Ugh Me Man...You Woman Ugh" complex.

As for your family, honestly do what you feel comfortable doing. Just because someone is blood related does not give them the right to trample all over you and expect you to be ok with it. You dont have to feel obligated to do anything for anyone just because they share blood. You can choose your family because they are the people who thru thick and thin stand by you 100% NO MATTER WHAT! I deliberately avoid my family as much as possible because I know they will never stand by me thru everything and they only want me around for what I can do to them. Example, I share the news that Im finally replacing my unsafe car. So what does she say..Not congratulations but asks if she can have my cavalier. Well for one we are just transfering tags because we just redid the registration, so Bertha gets no tags and I am NOT accepting financial responsibility for another driver, one who I know for a fact drives like a lunatic. I dont care if she is my mother, if she cant afford to repair her own car than she should not own one. Its not my fault that we can afford to buy a newer used car..forreal the darn car we are getting is 8 yrs old the only reason we are getting it is because it has 5 miles on the engine, and the body is perfect and its an explorer exactly what I wanted!!!

I hope this all works out for you and your dh. Just remember no matter what you two have each other.

 

[calico2222]

In my opinion, going to the ceremony and not the reception is fine, especially if going would require staying at a hotel and paying for an additional day of car rental that you can't afford. HOWEVER, if you go to the ceremony your husband should go also. If he is going to wait in the car then neither one of you should go. Tell your brother that you both would love to be there but finances are tight and you don't think your car will make it. A 6 hour drive isn't like a drive across town and I'm sure he'll understand.

Personally, I think your husband is being petty. Marriage isn't just about joining of two people, it's about becoming a part of each other's family as well. He doesn't have to love your family...he doesn't even have to like your family, but he should be able to be in the same room with them FOR YOU. I'm not saying your husband should "forgive and forget" and pretend that everything is hunky-dorey, but he should be a big enough man to be able to stand beside you proudly as your husband and show them that your marriage isn't the mistake they thought it would be. Even though he isn't close with his family, family is obviously important to you (or else you wouldn't be this upset) and he should respect that.

Weddings can bring out the worst in people sometimes...especially mothers who have their own idea of what their daughters wedding should be like. I agree that your parents treated your husband horribly during the planning but you both have to get passed that. It sounds like your parents tried to bridge the gap by wanting to come in the end. Maybe it was just a way to try to make your day more miserable, I don't know. But no one can change what has happened in the past...now is the time to move forward and try to repair the damage.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you!

 

[februa]

Originally Posted by calico2222

Personally, I think your husband is being petty. Marriage isn't just about joining of two people, it's about becoming a part of each other's family as well. He doesn't have to love your family...he doesn't even have to like your family, but he should be able to be in the same room with them FOR YOU. I'm not saying your husband should "forgive and forget" and pretend that everything is hunky-dorey, but he should be a big enough man to be able to stand beside you proudly as your husband and show them that your marriage isn't the mistake they thought it would be. Even though he isn't close with his family, family is obviously important to you (or else you wouldn't be this upset) and he should respect that.

^^THIS. Your family is also his family now. I personally dont agree with someone refusing to *try* and forgive, its really harmful to carry around those types of negative feelings and anger by choice, and forever is a long time - especially given your ages. Can you really handle this kind of hatred in your family forever? Something has to give. I think you have to either demand your husband make an effort to at least tolerate the family in support of you, or you have to completely cut your entire family out of your life all together. Otherwise you will continue to be stuck in this awful hurtful position which you absolutely 100% dont deserve. Your parents were wrong yes, I totally agree with that. But the consequences of forever....are they forbidden from seeing your children if/when you have any? Yikes!!!
As for the wedding, I do really think you should go because you clearly love your brother, and also agree that it should not be a problem to not attend the reception for the reasons youve mentioned ($$ really). WHat I do not think would be ok would be for your hubby to drive down there and "wait in the car" refusing to come out, making it seem like the reason you are leaving is because he has been waiting for you all day. I think that would be a really bad decision, and if you go, it needs to either be you alone, or you as a united front together on your brothers special day.
Major that you get out of the middle of this sad situation

 

[frankthetank]

Thanks again everyone for the replies!! I really appreciate the vibes and advice. I am pretty okay not having a relationship with my parents. It doesn't mean I am holding hate in my heart though. I have forgiven them, but it doesn't mean that I plan to have a relationship with them. I don't believe in holding onto hate, as in the end I think it only hurts the person holding it. So I have chosen to forgive what they did, but it doesn't mean that I have actively forgotten what they did, and how they treated us, or plan to try and restore the relationship.
I have a lot of my mom in me, and I hate that. My mom had a temper while I was growing up. If she was mad, she screamed, threw things, slammed doors, called us names. It was h*ll. I unfortunately have her temper and I hate it....literally HATE it. She would freak out on us for tiny little things, throw something, scream then cry and beg forgiveness and pretend everything was okay. Most of my life, all I wanted was to get away. I grew up catholic, taught to always honor my parents, and in my family, you always respected your parents and their wishes. So even if we were being screamed at and treated poorly, we were to respect them. My first times hearing swear words, was always my mother yelling at us, calling us names. I was always afraid to disappoint them, to hear that I was a disappointment, or that I did something wrong. i felt I never was able to live up to their standards, even as I worked hard, got good grades and had a future. They are judgmental to anyone different then them (not even going to go into all that...it would be a whole page of crap)....
So basically, the relationship I am trying to preserve is with my brothers. I was close to them my entire life, and it sucks having grown apart as they have both moved out of our hometown. At first they seemed supportive, having known how our parents are....but now I am not sure. My older brother went to college, and aside from coming home for holidays he never sees them (they used to cry about how he must hate them bc when he went to school he was barely in contact with them...) and my younger brother was the baby who was always out to please them.
Anyway, just wanted to mention that I am not really interested in a relationship with them, and to some of you I might sound like a bad person. And maybe it makes me one? I am just trying to do what is best for me....and my husband as we are now a family with our kitties. And yes, sometimes I wish he would just go with me to the ceremony but I respect his wishes and his feelings on why he chooses to not attend. I don't believe in forcing someone to do something that I know hurts them, and while no one can understand while this situation hurts him, because they don't know all the surrounding info, it does hurt him deeply.