Christmas present dilemma

[jennyr]

I know the title sounds funny just after Christmas, but this concerns a present I received.

My family all agreed that we would give only token presents this year, as everyone is feeling the credit crunch. Almost everyone followed this dictum, and we all had fun finding or making inexpensive but unusual gifts. However, my younger brother ignored it all and bought expensive things for everyone, slightly embarrassing but that was his choice.

But - he has given me the latest, sooper-dooper coffee machine! It makes expresso, cappucino. latte, and has an integral milk frother. It would not disgrace a small coffee house. The thing is, I don't drink coffee! Coffee actually gives me a headache and stops me sleeping, whatrever time of day I drink it. I am a tea person, and so are most of my friends. Even my French friends who do like coffee prefer to drink tea at my house, because I make it properly and it is a change for them. So I will rarely use it even for company. When I do make coffee I have a small cafetiere that is quite adequate.

And I don't have room for it on my counters, which although large have a huge variety of machines that I do use regularly already there. So the coffee machine will sit in its box in a cupboard, waiting for a visit from my brother and his partner. I phoned to thank him, and did ask what put the idea into his head and he went into paroxyms of delight about what a great machine this was, and how it had revolutionised his life having such great coffee available all the time. So I chickened out and couldn't say anything, save that I would open it the next time I had friends round who drink coffee.

He bought it of course in the UK, so it has British electrics (that work here with a change of plug) and English packaging and instructions, so I cannot exchange it or sell it here. And my vacuum cleaner and bread machine (both essential to my life) have conked out in the last month - if only he had given me the latest version of one of those!

I love him dearly, and I am very grateful to him for thinking of me like that and trying to improve my life. But what can I do? I am sure there are many unwanted gifts out there that cannot be removed for fears of hurting someone.

 

[emrldsky]

This is sticky, because if you're honest, it could hurt his feelings, but if you're not, you could end up in a crunch.

If it were me and my brother? I'd just say that I don't drink coffee, that it actually causes more health issues, and ask if he'd be hurt if I sold it online to someone who would truly appreciate the wonderful coffee it would make. It seems as if it wasn't a sentimental gift, so I wouldn't feel too bad asking.

If he had given me a story about what a wonderful sister I was, and how he wanted to do something good for me, make my life easier, etc., I'd be hesitant to say anything.

 

[katachtig]

I know how hard it is. Every year we draw names but my in-laws (who have been told not to do extra for us) gave us a towel warmer which did not fit into any of the bathrooms. I decided to be up front with them because any alternatives like take it home and leave it in the basement for years seemed worse. I think being honest is the least painful of the options for everyone.

 

[ldg]

That was really lovely of him!

I think you should take a deep breath, pick up the phone, and call him back. Tell him you chickened out saying anything the first time, because so much thought went into it, and it made you feel SO nice that he wanted you to be able to enjoy making something you love quickly and easily.... the problem is, you two don't see each other enough, because that would be the only way he could know you don't love coffee. Take another deep breath, and keep going.... You've been in a dilemna about what to do about it, because it is SUCH a wonderful gift... but, in all honesty, you're pretty sure he'd rather you had something you wanted to use all the time - as he put it, that was the point of such a wonderful gift! You really don't want such a wonderful machine to sit in the back of the closet, only to come out when he visits. ....you really hope he's not upset, but you know he put thought and a lot of money into it, and especially these days, you didn't want it to go to waste.

Depending upon how he reacts... (which since he seems wonderful, I'm sure will be with total acceptance of the situation!)... ask him to either donate what he spent to his favorite charity - or let him know you'd rather have a new bread maker.

Everyone wins with honesty - especially when expressed with love and care.

 

[alleygirl]

A friend of mine gave me a lovely, very strongly scented candle that I can't even take out of the box due to Riley's breathing problems

However, with something as expensive as your coffee machine, I might wait and bit and then tell him you worry that it won't be properly appreciated at your place since you don't drink coffee and only take it out for guests. See what he says, maybe he'll have some advice?

 

[ruthyb]

Wow, thats a tough one... I'll have it

, sorry thats a joke. I really don't know what you can do, than otherwise like everyone else suggested and explaining to your brother, I have been in this situation and yes it is probably one of the most hardest things ever as you don't want to seem ungrateful but I totally understand where you are coming from. x

 

[rapunzel47]

Jenny, I think Laurie pegged it. The truth, presented as sensitively as possible, is the only way to go. Even if he's initially put off -- which I doubt very much -- at least you won't be in a situation somewhere down the road where he's saying, "well, if only you'd said something..."

 

[februa]

Im going to offer different advice: See what other types of drinks it makes, and maybe youll love it.
I do not drink coffee ever either, and my new Tassimo is AMAZING for tea and hot chocolate. Makes me a tea way faster than I can boil water, and living alone, comes in very handy if guests show up (especially if they are the kind that likes coffee! I feel fancy offering cappucinos/espressos to people who know I dont drink them, and everyone is happy!). If I want a flavour of tea they dont make, I run a hot water cycle through and add my own tea bag. So it might not be as useless as you think. These also are already big re-gift items: could it be that his love of coffee inspired him to be gifted with 2 machines and he figured the extra would be great for you to use with company? In any case, I love mine so much that I would give it as a gift to almost anyone. Im debating buying a second one for lab - we'd all be able to make someone we like!

 

[ruthyb]

Originally Posted by Februa

Im going to offer different advice: See what other types of drinks it makes, and maybe youll love it.
I do not drink coffee ever either, and my new Tassimo is AMAZING for tea and hot chocolate. Makes me a tea way faster than I can boil water, and living alone, comes in very handy if guests show up (especially if they are the kind that likes coffee! I feel fancy offering cappucinos/espressos to people who know I dont drink them, and everyone is happy!). If I want a flavour of tea they dont make, I run a hot water cycle through and add my own tea bag. So it might not be as useless as you think. These also are already big re-gift items: could it be that his love of coffee inspired him to be gifted with 2 machines and he figured the extra would be great for you to use with company? In any case, I love mine so much that I would give it as a gift to almost anyone. Im debating buying a second one for lab - we'd all be able to make someone we like!

What a fantastic idea. x

 

[cococat]

I had to return an expensive gift this year, I didn't like it but it had to be done.
That said, we use our coffee pot to make tea. It works really well that way. We never touch coffee, but the "coffee" pot gets used almost daily for tea

 

[dusty's mom]

Originally Posted by cococat

I had to return an expensive gift this year, I didn't like it but it had to be done.
That said, we use our coffee pot to make tea. It works really well that way. We never touch coffee, but the "coffee" pot gets used almost daily for tea

The coffee pot makes better tea than the iced tea maker!

 

[nekomania]

I bet that thing makes some wicked hot chocolate...

 

[carolina]

Ok... So... It is a gift, there is the whole politically correctness thing, but in the end he is your brother, and he gave you a gift to make you happy, not to give you migraines... Just talk to him, he will be ok... Maybe a little sad that he didn't remember you didn't drink coffee... But I bet if you tell him that you are going to get something that you need and that will solve a problem or two, like the vacuum, he will be happy with the solution.
I guarantee you that he would be sadder if he got there next year to a brand new, never used coffee machine.
What your brother wants is to make you happy - coffee machine, vacuum, bread machine... Potatoes, Potatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes!

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Hmm... that's a good dilemma! I too use my coffee pot to make tea; but if you don't think you would use it for some other option, then I'd talk to your brother. Especially if you have good communication with him. If I were your brother, my bubble might be burst a bit that my gift wasn't as great as I thought, but I'd still rather you have something you will use and appreciate.

I'm wishing I had better communication with my father in law, who's gift to DH and I arrived today: video lectures on physics, with a study book, by some MIT/Stanford educated professor. And he WILL ask how we enjoyed them!

 

[jennyr]

Thanks for the ideas - I never thought of using it for other drinks - I will open it (carefully) and read the instructions to see if that is possible. I do love hot chocolate, made properly. I don't really see how it could make better and fresher tea than I do already in my teapot, but I will investigate. If I can use it, I will, as I really don't want to hurt him, and if I can honestly tell him I don't use it much for coffee, but wow for the hot chocolate/mulled wine (now there's an idea!) whatever, then I am sure he would be happy.

 

[margecat]

I know just how you feel! My co-workers all have known for years that I am a diabetic--and guess what they all give me each year? Cookies, candy, etc. (I don't even like candy). One of my friends also has given me Christmas gifts that I know I had given her a few years before--and my fave was a wedding gift (given 2 years after the wedding): an old (1994 was the date on the box; I was married in 2004) bread machine that smelled as if it had been stored in her basement for years. And yet, she's well-off. I wonder just how stupid she thinks I am? (Shiortly after my diabetes diagnosis, she gave me a chocolate Easter bunny, saying, "I thought you'd like this so you can test your blood sugar after eating it to see how much it goes up." She was serious.)

Also, at work, we have a staff member who is an obvious anorexic. Yet, I once heard one of the candy-givers mentioned above trying to give her candy as her Christmas gift, saying, " I know you won't eat this--but I wish you would, Jane--you need to eat!" (I always get Jane something I know she will, and can, use.)

I've also seen things I've given close co-workers donated to the staff tag sale. Two years ago, I gave everyone home-canned cranberry relish, and other similar things. I have reason to believe that very few ever opened the jars. What a waste of my time and money (canning is time-consuming).

I also watched my brothers and SILS give Mom tea every year for Christmas. Problem is, I've NEVER seen her drink tea--she says she hates it. Her family assumes, because she is British, she loves tea! (She is a coffee drinker, however.)

All of the above is why I now only give birthday and Christmas gifts to DH and his immediate family. I know you don't always get what you want, and I expect a few dud gifts along the way, but it seems most of the gifts I get are totally useless, and my givers know this, but don't care. It's a shame, as I love to choose just the right thing for people. I'm also trying to simplify holidays and my life, so I don't want knick-knacks anyway. I'd rather remember the good meal and times shared with DH's family and my friends, than dust off gifts. I don't want to sound unappreciative, but what I mean is that the people and your memories of them are far more important than a knick-knack. I usually donate the stuff to the Goodwill, but keep the memory of getting the gift.

 

[jennyr]

It is difficult sometimes to be gracious, but I think we have to try and see the thought behind the gift. Having said that, some people can be thoughtless, but they are not necessarily mean. On our budget drive this year, many of my family gave charity gifts - a donation in the recipient's name. This is not as boring as it sounds - I am now the proud 'owner' of a goat that has been donated in my name to a village in Uganda, and also of some children's toys that went to an orphanage. My nieces, who are very wildlife conscious, got 'save the whale' donations. My brother had some trees planted. These are imaginative and thoughtful gifts for people who really don't need any more clutter in their houses, and yet do general good.

 

[sillyjilly]

Originally Posted by MargeCat

I know just how you feel! My co-workers all have known for years that I am a diabetic--and guess what they all give me each year? Cookies, candy, etc. (I don't even like candy). One of my friends also has given me Christmas gifts that I know I had given her a few years before--and my fave was a wedding gift (given 2 years after the wedding): an old (1994 was the date on the box; I was married in 2004) bread machine that smelled as if it had been stored in her basement for years. And yet, she's well-off. I wonder just how stupid she thinks I am? (Shiortly after my diabetes diagnosis, she gave me a chocolate Easter bunny, saying, "I thought you'd like this so you can test your blood sugar after eating it to see how much it goes up." She was serious.)

Also, at work, we have a staff member who is an obvious anorexic. Yet, I once heard one of the candy-givers mentioned above trying to give her candy as her Christmas gift, saying, " I know you won't eat this--but I wish you would, Jane--you need to eat!" (I always get Jane something I know she will, and can, use.)

I've also seen things I've given close co-workers donated to the staff tag sale. Two years ago, I gave everyone home-canned cranberry relish, and other similar things. I have reason to believe that very few ever opened the jars. What a waste of my time and money (canning is time-consuming).

I also watched my brothers and SILS give Mom tea every year for Christmas. Problem is, I've NEVER seen her drink tea--she says she hates it. Her family assumes, because she is British, she loves tea! (She is a coffee drinker, however.)

All of the above is why I now only give birthday and Christmas gifts to DH and his immediate family. I know you don't always get what you want, and I expect a few dud gifts along the way, but it seems most of the gifts I get are totally useless, and my givers know this, but don't care. It's a shame, as I love to choose just the right thing for people. I'm also trying to simplify holidays and my life, so I don't want knick-knacks anyway. I'd rather remember the good meal and times shared with DH's family and my friends, than dust off gifts. I don't want to sound unappreciative, but what I mean is that the people and your memories of them are far more important than a knick-knack. I usually donate the stuff to the Goodwill, but keep the memory of getting the gift.

You have JUST described my life to a T with my side of the family. Every single year it's the same. Me and DH spend the time to get people what they want, what they'll use, practical and thoughtful gifts and they always LOVE them! My sister "requires" a porcelain doll and an angel ornament every year, and every year that's what she gets. And every year from her I get CRAP! Stuff I'll never use, don't like and has no thought or meaning behind it. Stuff she grabbed out of whatever place she has been staying then that she doesn't want anymore or whatever thing she found at the dollar store. I don't mind getting cheap things, but make it a cheap thing I'd like or wear, not some big gaudy orange ring that you KNOW I'd never wear that will change my finger colors. Or some weird book that is nothing I'd ever read. I've read the same types of books for YEARS and YEARS, if you had spent ANY time with me in the last 20 years you would know what type I like. I will read a dollar store book, but I hate romance books! And my DH gets the same type of crap. One year she got him a paper weight that's not a paper weight since it has no flat spot which basically looked like a hug tennis ball size marbled rock! Have no idea how to explain that one. No practical use unless he wants to kill someone with it some day! (probably break his toe with it first) It's the same thing like that every year, though this year it was nothing. Which I grant you is better than crap, but why I am spending my hard earned money on them, for nothing in return? They only show up to eat the food, get their gifts and then they are gone for another year. I am thinking next year I am only going to buy for my father and his wife, and maybe my brothers girlfriend. She has thought and meaning behind hers. I told my sister if she didn't have any money, DRAW me something. She draws really good, and I would LOVE something like that! But nope, crap again! She didn't even get anything for her kids! And most years she has me get them something and tell them it's from her. They are 18 and 14 now, they've known for years that it's been me, especially since the gifts come with me, wrapped the same and they say thanks to me.

Ok, my rant is over. I think I just needed to vent!

Thread Hijack is now done!

 

[alleygirl]

Jill, I think your sister and my brother must be related

 

[katachtig]

Originally Posted by jennyranson

It is difficult sometimes to be gracious, but I think we have to try and see the thought behind the gift. Having said that, some people can be thoughtless, but they are not necessarily mean. On our budget drive this year, many of my family gave charity gifts - a donation in the recipient's name. This is not as boring as it sounds - I am now the proud 'owner' of a goat that has been donated in my name to a village in Uganda, and also of some children's toys that went to an orphanage. My nieces, who are very wildlife conscious, got 'save the whale' donations. My brother had some trees planted. These are imaginative and thoughtful gifts for people who really don't need any more clutter in their houses, and yet do general good.

I keep wanting to do something like this with my in-laws, but no one seems that interested even though we all admit that we don't need anything.