Child care questions

[laceface]

Fiance and I have been arguing about this lately, and I am curious about the opinion of others on this situation.

Luckily, neither of us believe in spanking our children. I have seen many children that are spanked that learn to retaliate in this way to others. I am a believer in time outs and consequences. How about you guys?

The aspect we disagree on is whether or not we want our children to be raised with "yes sir" and "yes mam". I personally do not like it. I grew up in the north, and it seems to be less common there. I don't see the need for it- he says it is a respect thing, but respect is tone, not word choice (in my opinion). How do you guys feel about this? And what area do you live in?

 

[stephanietx]

I am a fan of natural consequences. Let the child learn that their choices determine what they do/don't get to do. I also believe that there's a time and place for spanking, but am a bigger fan of consequences. However, you have to stick with the consequence for the duration, be consistent, and be prepared for the backlash. One of my favorite books to recommend to parents is "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leman. He's a big fan of consequences.

Forgot to mention, that I grew up in Texas and I didn't learn to say "Yes, ma'am" or "No, ma'am", but I do agree with your husband that it does show respect. I'll take "yes" over "yeah" anyday!

 

[trouts mom]

I won't be raising my kids to say "yes sir" or "yes maam". They are human beings, not slaves.

 

[laceface]

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

I won't be raising my kids to say "yes sir" or "yes maam". They are human beings, not slaves.

I love you right now, lol. That is exactly how I feel. We were arguing over this in a particular situation. If you have a teen on the computer, and you ask them to do something... he thinks that if they say "One second," finish what they are doing, and do as you ask...that is still disrespectful, because they didn't jump. I would rather they honestly tell me they are doing it in a second, than have them say "yes mam" and still be there ten minutes later. I don't expect a child to jump at my commands- as long as they do it in a reasonable amount of time!

stephanietx I can see situation where spanking might have it's place, but only in life threatening type situations (ie, don't go in the road, and time outs aren't working, or severely hurting siblings... but I still don't think I could, lol) I am a big fan of consequences. Granted, I don't HAVE kids, but I have worked in daycares, and on buses. I have a kid who the biggest deterrent with him is "If you can't behave, we are talking to momma, and you aren't holding your baby sister!" Tell him that, and he is an ANGEL!

 

[zohdee]

I raised my children with respect. If you give it, you will get it.

I have spanked my kids. That only happened when one of them did something that endangered them. My son ran away from me in a parking lot once and he got a swat on the behind. I guess a swat is different than a spanking tho.

I am also a fan of saying "we" instead of "you" when disciplining.

 

[Willowy]

I am against spanking--I feel I was severely emotionally damaged by normal, non-abusive spanking, and, while I know that doesn't happen to everyone, I just don't think it's worth the risk. Plus the kids I know who are spanked frequently are horrible, nasty, violent brats. I just don't think it models self-control and mature behavior to kids.

As for ma'am/sir, I think it's kind of weird, LOL. The only times I even hear ma'am/sir anywhere is from store clerks who don't know your name (excuse me sir! You forgot your credit card! Etc.) But I have never lived anywhere Southern, maybe it's different there. I don't think that respect is dependent on using certain words.

 

[laceface]

Originally Posted by Willowy

Plus the kids I know who are spanked frequently are horrible, nasty, violent brats. I just don't think it models self-control and mature behavior to kids.

I know exactly what you mean! Our little nephew has learned that hitting is what you do to get what you want. His momma slaps his hand if he tries to grab somehting he shouldn't. So, if you cover something you don't want him to have, he slaps you to say he wants it...scary cycle there!

 

[cruisermaiden]

I was raised in the South (Atlanta, GA) but we were not raised on the "Yes, sir" "Yes, Ma'am" kick. We were taught that was something you should say as a term of respect for someone, but not used regularly for our parents. It was mainly something you used with other adults, like grandparents, teachers, neighbors, etc. It was not something we were punished for not saying if we were otherwise polite.

I was spanked as a child, maybe a little more on the hitting side than just spanking but not far over the line. I am not emotionally traumatized but it or anything, that I know of. DH and I have not discussed yet if we plan to utilize spanking if/when we have children. My brother refuses to spank his children because he says being spanked made him fear our father, but then it seems he is sometimes emotionally too hard on his kids, which I think is just as likely to cause the same problem.

Thin, Fuzzy line that one.

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by laceface

Fiance and I have been arguing about this lately, and I am curious about the opinion of others on this situation.

Luckily, neither of us believe in spanking our children. I have seen many children that are spanked that learn to retaliate in this way to others. I am a believer in time outs and consequences. How about you guys?

The aspect we disagree on is whether or not we want our children to be raised with "yes sir" and "yes mam". I personally do not like it. I grew up in the north, and it seems to be less common there. I don't see the need for it- he says it is a respect thing, but respect is tone, not word choice (in my opinion). How do you guys feel about this? And what area do you live in?

well, i'm w/you on the 'yes ma'am, no ma'am thing - but i was raised that way. i think we're comfortable w/stuff like that because of what we grew up with.
similarly, i'm ok w/spankings, depending on the offense. intentional, wanton misbehavior - when the child is fully aware that this is NOT acceptable... then i think it's ok; assuming, of course, that this is a child who responds to corporal punishment. for some children, spanking is the only punishment they respond to. for others, a time-out is far worse.
i'm an example of the kind that DOESN'T respond to time-outs. my sister did - she HATED them! i couldn't have cared less. consequently, i rarely received them - i have a very intelligent mother [also an educator, like me].
my sister rarely spanked her daughter, because it simply wasn't necessary - she responded more to a stern talking-to. but her oldest son [very much like me in personality] got them.
once, he took a toy golf club & destroyed her gladiola. now, he was about 5 at the time, & had seen her working in her garden often. she did talk to him, & explained how cruel an act that was. he seemed remorseful - but the following day, he did it again! that 2nd time, she spanked him. he never did that again.
i do think that spankings should be given w/the hand, not a tool - if you're using the palm of your hand [bony] on their behinds [soft], you are far less likely to overspank, because that would cause you pain.
ETA: i think unkind/nasty words cause far more harm than spanking, myself. also, i was raised in the South - several of my cousins were raised to say 'yes, ma'am/yes sir' - just not us.

 

[ut0pia]

I'm totally with you, I hate hearing children say "yes ma'am" and yes sir to their parents!! It's as though they are soldiers or something..

 

[sharky]

Originally Posted by laureen227

well, i'm w/you on the 'yes ma'am, no ma'am thing - but i was raised that way. i think we're comfortable w/stuff like that because of what we grew up with.
similarly, i'm ok w/spankings, depending on the offense. intentional, wanton misbehavior - when the child is fully aware that this is NOT acceptable... then i think it's ok; assuming, of course, that this is a child who responds to corporal punishment. for some children, spanking is the only punishment they respond to. for others, a time-out is far worse.
i'm an example of the kind that DOESN'T respond to time-outs. my sister did - she HATED them! i couldn't have cared less. consequently, i rarely received them - i have a very intelligent mother [also an educator, like me].
my sister rarely spanked her daughter, because it simply wasn't necessary - she responded more to a stern talking-to. but her oldest son [very much like me in personality] got them.
once, he took a toy golf club & destroyed her gladiola. now, he was about 5 at the time, & had seen her working in her garden often. she did talk to him, & explained how cruel an act that was. he seemed remorseful - but the following day, he did it again! that 2nd time, she spanked him. he never did that again.
i do think that spankings should be given w/the hand, not a tool - if you're using the palm of your hand [bony] on their behinds [soft], you are far less likely to overspank, because that would cause you pain.
ETA: i think unkind/nasty words cause far more harm than spanking, myself. also, i was raised in the South - several of my cousins were raised to say 'yes, ma'am/yes sir' - just not us.

I agree with the highlight 100% ...

Also what a lovely showing of all kids are different and require different methods.

I was taught mam miss and sir , I grew up in the Southwest

 

[Willowy]

Originally Posted by laureen227

i think it's ok; assuming, of course, that this is a child who responds to corporal punishment.

IDK. I daresay I was a child who "responded" to corporal punishment, i.e. I never did it again. But then I ended up with pretty bad panic attacks related to the experience. So did my brother, who is pretty much opposite to me in personality. You would never think that anything in life would affect the two of us in the same way, but it happened. I suppose a parent has to consider the risks. I know my mom would never have spanked us if she thought this would happen. She never once spanked my (much younger) youngest brother after seeing what it did to us older two. He doesn't get panic attacks.

Of course there are worse things than being spanked that can happen to a kid. But it's still a risk.

 

[cococat]

Hitting doesn't solve problems. Violence is not the way to solve problems. I agree with using your words and your brain instead of just resorting to physical force or slapping, hitting, etc. to relate to little human beings (or other people).
Why does society think it is OK to slap and hit little children but it is not OK to do it to adult people you know and love or that you dislike, it is called assault. As if children are "less" of a human being because they are young. Those are my thoughts.
I live in the South and I do not like the yes mam, no mam/sir.

 

[3catsn1dog]

I have used swats on the butt to enforce something but it has to be beyond MAJOR for me to even think about it. I have found that timeouts work the best I even have a designated chair in my house specifically for time outs...Its so well known that NOONE (even the adults) will sit in that chair. LOL 99% of the time though time outs were enough to enforce that what was done was wrong and there were no other consequences needed.

That being said I dont agree with the maam and sir aspect. I was raised to say Mr, Miss, Mrs to the grownups in my life and even at 26 the adults that I was raised around are still refered to as Mr.... or Mrs.... even after they had given me permission to call them by their first names. I just add Mr or Mrs to their first name. Thats to me is a sign of respect for them but I dont need to call them sir or maam. My dad tried to get that whole soldier reenforcement with us kids and it did not work whatsoever and to this day he still tries to bounce a quarter off my brother or sisters beds when they stay at his house. They just laugh because they dont even make their beds....

 

[laceface]

I don't feel so alone now! Though, I kind of think that the good pet owners tend to translate into good parenting. You wouldn't smack your animal for doing something you don't like, so why smack your kid?

I have seen situations where the corporal punishment made sense. My older sister, for example bit for a long time, and she bit bad. She once bit my mom while she was carrying her up stairs, and my mom nearly dropped her. She had been using time outs up until this point. didn't work. So, when she got to the top of the stairs, she bit her back. She never did it again. I guess she just didn't understand it hurt. My mom tried the same thing with my little brother and his head butting- didn't work there, his head was too hard and it didn't hurt him, haha.

I also sort of like my Aunt's school in Texas, which is a highschool. When kids get in trouble, they have the option of either in school suspension/detention, or they have a paddle. The kids adore their teachers their, as they are very hands on, and have the lowest fail rate I have EVER seen. My aunt actually tells her kids to choose the paddle so that they can get back in class- and they choose to do this for her. It is amazing to me that that works.

 

[kscatlady]

I definitely agree that respect is in the tone. I would never want my son to call me ma'am!

DH and I are firmly against spanking. Thank goodness we've been on the same page about most parenting issues!

 

[swampwitch]

I believe spanking is abuse. We've taught our child that no one has the right to touch her body in any way, without her permission or implied consent. And she does not have the right to physically hurt others, either.

What does spanking teach? If someone doesn't do what we want, we get to hit them. What if a kid is hitting out of frustration? We whack them a few times to to teach them not to hit?

I know lots of people were spanked as kids and it was fine to them. Maybe for some a swat on the butt is no big deal BUT too often the spankings happen when the parents are tired, angry, frustrated and the spankings get out of control and the child is beaten.

I have no problem with yes sir and yes ma'am, but I grew up in Texas where it's normal to hear. Our daughter doesn't say those, she would be considered a weirdo here if she did, but unless adults request she uses their first names, she calls her friends' parents by their surnames, with Mr., Mrs., or Ms. in front as a sign of respect.

 

[zohdee]

IMO spanking is NOT abuse if done as a last resort.

So many things I would like to say but it would be a most unpopular post that may draw ire from many.