Can't Decide if I'm Hurt or Angry or Both

[libby74]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

I can understand not wanting anything to do with the guy and his family, but to completely cut her off and never try to at least work to some resolution eventually.. .that's harsh.

I hope nothing happens in your family that someday makes you regret this.

We aren't the ones who packed up in the middle of the night. We had told her that we obviously couldn't stop her from dating this guy, but that we wanted nothing to do with him. It was her choice to sneak out. If she had moved out to live in her own place and pay her own way, like the adult she pretends to be, the boyfriend wouldn't be an issue. She could do whatever she pleased and we couldn't say a thing about it.
Of course we want to work things out with her, but we can't do that until she owns up to the fact the she really messed up. She hurt us more than I ever thought possible and she owes us a heartfelt apology.
I hope nothing happens in our family, too; if it does, we won't be the ones that have regrets.

 

[strange_wings]

Originally Posted by libby74

I hope nothing happens in our family, too; if it does, we won't be the ones that have regrets.

You say that, but you would.. If you didn't you wouldn't be human.

Give it time. This is still far too raw for everyone involved. Then see if you can seek family counseling with an unbiased third party. There's too much hurt pride for everyone to handle it as is.
Think about the future, what if there's eventually grandchildren involved? Would you love to be in their lives? Or if the relationship seriously soured with the guy she's with - to the point of abuse, would you want her to know she had someone to help her get out of it? (many women don't because they don't think they have anyone to turn to)

You know to know what's messed up? All my life, from the time I was 3-4, I heard about how much my mother never even wanted a child. How my father thought I was stupid. There was a lot of verbal abuse and even some neglect (medically, they'd let me get incredibly ill before even considering medical treatment). I even cut ties with them both completely for over a year, I think it was a couple years before I even spoke to my mother again. I've forgiven them, mostly because I now understand a lot of what made them behave the way they did (not that it excused it). Life's too short. The family members that I loved and who were always there for me growing up when my parents couldn't provide the love I needed are dead.

 

[libby74]

Stangewings (I wish I knew you're 'real' name) I'm so sorry about your past. No child should have to put up with what you did. It sounds as if you're a survivor, and have tried to make some sense out of a bad situation.

Not to diminish anything you said, but the situation with our daughter is so different. She's been told her entire life how we chose her, over other referrals and bios of other little girls, we chose her. She's always been told she could be anything she wanted to be, all she had to do was put her mind to it, that we would back her choices. The choice with this bf is the one we simply can't back her on.

Before she moved out, she actually told me how the bf and his family were involved in drug trafficing. She spoke about it so matter of factly that it scared me. That's the #1 reason that she's to stay away from our families. I tried to explain to her that the bf's family doesn't work; where did she think they got the money to buy the drugs for resale. After she looked at me blankly for a few moments, I asked her if selling stolen goods might be their source of income. "Oh, well, it could be," she said. Mind you, our daughter is not one to keep things to herself. Until I made her delete them, she carried around pictures of her Dad's military collection in her cell phone---items that are worth a small fortune. When we tried to tell her that she was almost asking someone to rob us, she thought we were nuts.

And you are entirely correct; the situation is still so incredibly raw, at least for my DH and myself, that nothing can be resolved yet. I do believe that we will manage to find our way back to each other eventually, but I know that I need time to get over the pain she's caused me.

 

[larussa]

I would be highly peeved off right now and I certainly would not go to the baby shower. I would also end the relationship with your SIL, she told you just how she feels and yes it was a slap in the face.

Going to that shower may just stir up lots of trouble and things could get worse. I would just stay away from your daughter as you have been and now include your SIL, I really feel bad for you.

 

[strange_wings]

Originally Posted by libby74

And you are entirely correct; the situation is still so incredibly raw, at least for my DH and myself, that nothing can be resolved yet. I do believe that we will manage to find our way back to each other eventually, but I know that I need time to get over the pain she's caused me.

My real name is Amber. I'm just a little weird about giving it out since I'm overly private about some things.

Oh and my parents did that, too - not the stolen goods part, thankfully. I knew how wrong it was at 4 years old and always worried they'd get caught and I'd end up in foster care. Heck of a thing to for a kid so young to worry about. (I was an odd kid, read the newspaper/watched the news too much)

Don't misunderstand. I'm not asking you to become chummy with her bf or his family. They sound like real losers!

And yes, I know you were wonderful parents. That's why you're so hurt, you gave her everything (opportunity wise). That's where the hurt pride bit comes in. But kids grow up, they do stupid things and they have to fall. This may be her learning experience. Lots of young adults do this.

And I truly do hope you can all settle this in the future. No matter how mad you all are right now, I suspect you all do still care deeply for each other - it wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't.

Hope for the best (in the future) and be strong till then.

 

[butzie]

Just go. You would give all this up plus a chance to see your daughter?

Originally Posted by libby74

I know a lot of you read my thread in late July about the trouble DH & I were having with our daughter---how she moved out without telling us, then lied to everyone about it. We haven't heard from her since July 29 (altho' she went to DH's place of business on his day off and asked another employee to tell her Dad 'hello', and sent me a friend request on fb 3x---can you believe that?!)

Anyway, my brother & his wife are expecting their first grandchild in Dec., and the SIL is throwing a baby shower. She told me about the shower a few days ago, and I asked her if she was going to invite my daughter. She answered that she was; I said, "I just can't come if she's going to be there" to which my SIL replied, "Well, we'll miss you." I was surprised, to say the least, but managed to say, "I don't want to cause any drama at the shower, so I'll just send a gift."

This SIL & I have been friends for 35 years; I was her confidant when she & my brother almost divorced several years ago; when she was in the hospital last year and almost died when her pancreas shut down I was there on a daily basis; I'm her only daughter's Godmother. For some reason I feel as if she's slapped me in the face. I know this is how she is--she gets an idea into her head and absolutely nothing will change it. She believes that if my daughter and I both show up at the shower everyone will get along as if nothing ever happened. That's not the way it would go, believe me. I know how awful this sounds, but if I ran into my daughter on the street I think I would slap her face. I will not, and cannot, attend a baby shower with her sitting across the room from me. Now, because of my SIL's attitude, I don't want to go at all. I've never been particularly close to this nephew and I barely know his fiance anyway.

I feel as if maybe I'm making a big deal out of this, but I've been wearing my feelings on my sleeve for awhile now and this really hurt me. There's no talking to her about it because she is always right--always. I guess I'm not really asking for advice as to how to handle this, because I've already made up my mind. I think I just needed to get this out and hope someone would understand how I feel.

 

[libby74]

Originally Posted by LaRussa

I would be highly peeved off right now and I certainly would not go to the baby shower. I would also end the relationship with your SIL, she told you just how she feels and yes it was a slap in the face.

Going to that shower may just stir up lots of trouble and things could get worse. I would just stay away from your daughter as you have been and now include your SIL, I really feel bad for you.

I appreciate that, honestly I do.
I had a horrible thought pop into my head yesterday and now it's all I can think about. If and when the neighbor that my daughter is living with gets tired of her, she'll obviously have to leave. I'm convinced that my SIL will offer her a place to stay and my brother, to keep peace at home, will go along with it. Hopefully, I'm worrying about something that will never happen, although knowing my SIL it wouldn't surprise me.

And I truly do hope you can all settle this in the future. No matter how mad you all are right now, I suspect you all do still care deeply for each other - it wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't. Hope for the best (in the future) and be strong till then.

Thank you, Amber.